Tried to Break into His Email... Freaking Out

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 29 - 2AM

meik11

Tried to Break into His Email... Freaking Out

So after almost 9 weeks no contact i tried to break into his email today...thought I was doing so well and moving on but the past week has been rough. I keep replaying all the lies he told me and I feel like I am right back where I started. Hurt, confused, angry... I have stopped myself from texting him several times because I know how pointless it will be. I just can't help but have these hurt feelings because he has not attempted to call me. I have been going through a really tough situation for a while now that he is very much aware of. I cannot believe that this same person who was telling me how much he loved me for 3 years has not even bothered to check on me and my son. As if I did something to him. More than anything else the lies are eating me up. I remember when I realized how much he lies... Why didn't I run? Sometimes I would look him directly in his eyes knowing he was lieing and not say a word. I feel like a coward for that. The truth is I was embarressed for him. Any body ever felt that way? I did not call him out on his lies because I did not want to embarress him. Stupid huh?... He was hurting me every chance I gave him and there I was thinking about not hurting him... I wish I would have told him to shut the F*ck up like he would tell me, then exposed him for the phony he is and ended it by slapping his $500 glasses off his face and kicking him right in the nuts!...

Oh I almost forgot... the point of me trying to break into his email was to see if he still had any riske photos of me or other women as well... I know girls... no point at all. Its funny how sometimes I can analyze my own behavior. I know it wasn't really about the photos as much as it was me wanting to have some sort of access to him. Still reaching for crumbs I guess... :-(

#2 Nov 29 - 9PM

Journey

It is not uncommon to want to

It is not uncommon to want to know every thing at this stage. The truth of every lie, the complete and undeniable proof of who they really are. But, to quote Hunter, "contact = pain" It is better to assume he DOES have pictures of ow, than it is to actually see them. Snooping at all creates obsession to find out more and more... it will drive you crazy and prolong the pain. The truth about a narc, is that they lie and withhold information all the time and that they are always in need of supply, so whatever you find out, it will hurt you. It is more important to accept what you know NOW. You have been NC for 9 weeks, that is great! Trust your own perception of how he's mistreated you and let that be enough. The further away from him you remain in EVERY way, the closer you are to healing... Journey on...

Journey on...

#3 Nov 29 - 9PM

Sparrow

Yep, your about right where I

Yep, your about right where I was at your stage..........it's terrible, but like everyone is saying, it is art of the process. Stay angry, but gear the energy more productively, like Scoop suggests. Breaking into some ones email is criminal, with real life penalties. He isn't worth it. Keep your head about yourself and draw lines in the sand to help you with your boundaries. You will be ok!

#4 Nov 29 - 9PM

las730

You are not stupid

I still want to read what he is doing That was the only way I knew what he was doing, outside of picking on me. It was very hurtful. I would journal what I saw to remind me when I waver what kind of person he is You will make it. He is not worth it - YOU ARE

#5 Nov 29 - 5PM

blueworld

meik11

i dont want to upset you further but you need to know if you tried too many times it will send him a alert and lock his email account up he will probably know its you and may contact you now its actually a crime to hack peoples accounts sweetie

#6 Nov 29 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

meik11

Yes I know, Unfortunately I

Yes I know, Unfortunately I didn't care at the time. Thank you for your concern. I just needed to get a grip and snap out of it...

#7 Nov 29 - 7AM

Hunter

Checking his email is contact

Checking his email is contact .. Contact = Pain.. Just fight the urge.. This sucks but time and distance is the only cure.. Hunter

#8 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

Anari

Oh so contact in general not

Oh so contact in general not spec with him but to do with him equals pain.

#9 Nov 29 - 3AM

Scoop

At about 3 months NC the

At about 3 months NC the shock has warn off and you are in mid cog diss , obsessive thoughts and the begining of rage ... the good news is what you are going through is completely normal and its consistant to the post traumatic stress being with a psychopath can cause . Im glad to hear you are having angry thoughts and its that anger that will keep you on the right path and help keep NC . Its a pretty scary place to be for you and it does feel like thoses thought will go on for ever but they wont , the important thing is to feel the feelings when they come , get an out let for the rage .. i use to stab a cusion with a pen screaming "die you f*cker" and i also rode my bike all over the place like a mad woman . I remember one of our memebers use to dig holes in her garden then fill them in .. what ever works for you . Stick close to the board , you will be alright .. Scoop xx

#10 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

meik11

Thanks Scoop, I'm doing my

Thanks Scoop, I'm doing my best not to let this affect me so much...

#11 Nov 29 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

uk lady

Meik

"He was hurting me every chance I gave him and there I was thinking about not hurting him... I wish I would have told him to shut the F*ck up like he would tell me, then exposed him for the phony he is and ended it by slapping his $500 glasses off his face and kicking him right in the nuts!... " I think the above qualifies you as reaching the angry stage!! Nearly spat my coffee all over the screen - LOL. You are so where I was at 3 months so I promise you, it does get better and you will move on. Read the steps again - it helps. Dee x

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