Trapped no more's Story

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#1 Jan 8 - 1PM
Trapped no more.
Trapped no more.'s picture

Trapped no more's Story

I have recently separated FOR THE FINAL TIME & INDEFINITELY, after 24 years with my husband. It was absolutely horrendous over the past few years, while I was desperately working hard and trying everything to save the marriage, following his inability to sit down and communicate about our problems, which either resulted in them being covered over and not addressed, or him crying real tears (apologising and pleading with me to forgive him and try again), or if i persisted, it would result in his anger, verbal abuse and then self harm during our confrontations, (nothing was every discussed or resolved. He always expected it to be forgiven & forgotten, only for the same thing to happen again), crying and begging/pleading with me not to leave him and not to end the marriage. On our last attempt to work things out, the same/worsening behaviour happened during a confrontation. I then knew I had to end the marriage, as the rages were becoming increasingly, verbally abusive and his self harming in front of me, more dangerous. I told him i couldnt go on, and wanted him to get the proper help he needed to behave rationally during confrontation with me. If not, the marriage was over for good this time. After threatening suicide, he made a serious attempt while out in his van. Found many hours later, he was taken to hospital and then was later treated in a mental health hospital as a voluntary inpatient. I was relieved, as i thought at last he would tell the whole truth of what he felt, his inability to discuss our problems and help create solutions with me, and tell the truth of how he behaved during rows with me, and the fact that he was punching and butting walls and stabbing himself with scissors etc in anger and frustration and finally get the proper treatment he needed. SO I THOUGHT. But NO!! Instead, after sharing everything for 24years, he declined consent for the doctors and staff to speak to me, or to give me any info re his diagnosis and treatment. He txt me from hospital, to tell me that he would give me what I wanted i.e to be alone and for him to move out of the house. He told me following a lot of verbal abuse that I was no good for him, he didn't like me, but he had been too attached &too weak to leave me in the past, but he will find someone who loves him for who he is and someone who is less critical and judgemental of him. He asked me to split our savings 50 50 equally, he would continue paying half of the mortgage, but he hates me for breaking his heart, ending his marriage and for ruining his life. He asked me to pack all his belongings up from the past 24years and leave them outside, as he had got himself a flat and would be moving out and not coming back to the house. I couldnt believe he was actually saying this after treatment, and after me waiting in hope, hanging on for so long, for him to get the right treatment, so as to try save our marriage, even when i knew i should have got out years ago, (and tried, but give in and went back) . He came to the house a few days later to collect all his stuff from outside, and that was the end. Although, Neither of us have ever done the Internet or Facebook thing. (a little too private, plus bit like dinosaurs re modern tech), because of the stark contrast in his behaviour and attitude towards me and the complete opposite to his previous, always desperation to save our marriage and repeated claims of wanting to be dead if he had to live without, because it left me very confused, to say the least, and so out of sheer curiosity I decided to look on Facebook.
This man was like a monster, and was so evil looking, full of hatred and anger, smirking, telling me how he was so bitter, and how he pitied me, and how I would be sorry for what i had done to him. His behavior was so extreme ,and the complete opposite, to how he had been throughout the marriage, i.e. he was for the most part, almost the perfect husband and gentleman. Almost too good/perfect to be true. Day to day, he was consistently loyal, generous, kind, very very thoughtful and caring. Always overly passive and idealised me to the extreme (except when we were having a confrontation, at which time, he would either remain silent, walk away or if pushed, explode into an ugly destructive rage) years of him pleading and begging me not to end the marriage and claiming he would do anything to save us, (even though he changed nothing) i recently used a friends profile to search on Facebook to see if he had set up account, as I was feeling very very confused, discarded, hated and abandoned, after me staying in the marriage, hoping and giving everything I had to try force change&fix things, and for far longer than I knew was right and healthy for me to do so. When i done a search on facebook, i was utterly shocked, that despite never using a computer before, he had a Facebook profile set up while he was in the mental health hospital, had befriended a
woman 13years our junior while in hospital, and has since posted photographs of the two of them on holiday all over his page. Plus her declarations of love for him. I had no knowledge of personality disorders etc up until recently, but while I have been trying to piece everything together and make some sense out of all this madness, I have come across lots of information which strongly suggests a personality disorder. He told me that I would never ever know what his diagnosis was, because I didn't deserve or care enough about him to know. He told me to spend my life thinking about it, but i will never understand, as neither does he. He said, lets just call it serious attachment, but its completely gone now, and i never liked you anyway. Followed by a whole load of abuse, hatred and insults on my looks and character. None of which i had ever heard from him before. After months of thinking and agony, i firmly believe that my husband has borderline personality disorder with narcisstic traits. I am extremely isolated were I live, and have no family or support there, and after coming across your website and work , have found it really insightful and comforting to know, that there are many other people like myself, struggling with the confusion, pain and aftermath, of loving, sharing and relating with these disordered human beings, who idealise and then demonise and discard, without any apparent feeling at all. Thank you for your support and your excellent work. I sincerely appreciate you and this forum, as it provides me with both information, knowledge and most of all, connection to people, who truly understand what I'm going through right now. Love and much healing to everybody.

Jan 8 - 5PM
thenewjane
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what you have been through is awful

Jan 8 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Trapped no more.
Trapped no more.'s picture

the newjane, Thank you so so

Jan 8 - 1PM
Tori
Tori's picture

So sorry you have spent so

Jan 8 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Trapped no more.
Trapped no more.'s picture

Dear Tori,

Jan 8 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Dear trappednomore,

spinning

Jan 8 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Trapped no more.
Trapped no more.'s picture

Spinning. Thank you Thank you Thank you

Jan 8 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Hunter
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Welcome