Tramah's story

I met my ex when my marriage of 16 years was falling apart. I was completely smitten from the first message of "hi sexy", his standard line I now know. In all the reading I have done he was a little different to the complete "love bombing". He was still in his work clothes and had been drinking and I later found out stoned the night I actually met him in person. He did however message and ring me constantly from that day on. I ended up leaving my marriage a short time later and also left my children with their father, to move to his home town about 5 hours away. He told me he loved me in the first week I met him.
The abuse started 3 weeks after moving there. He flicked a cigarette at me and called me a slut because one of his mates looked at my legs, this happened in front of many of his family and mates. I felt so alone, I felt like I had no where to go and was very isolated, so I stayed.
The sex was fantastic, like I had never experienced before, he was very selfish though and didn't care about my feelings or if I was sick. I once had a sore back and was in excruciating pain, but he didn't care, he still wanted sex.
I always thought he was very selfish, everything was done his way, or when he wanted, what I wanted didn't matter. He had himself on a pedastal, and everyone did everything for him. He had no idea how to do anything for himself. He used everyone he could to get anything he wanted. Everyone in his life served him a purpose for what he could gain from them.
He has hit me, then said it was my fault because I pushed him and I deserved it. The last time he hit me, he hit me that hard he knocked me to the ground and my head was ringing that loud. I copped the whole "I'm sorry" and crying he would never do it again, the same as every other time he abused me.
Thinking back now, I know that he would bait me until I bit back and cause problems, then it would be my fault, so one of us would leave. We were apart more times then we were together in the 3 years we were together. But this suited him. I found out that he is addicted to porn on the Internet, I found emails of him chatting up woman and arranging to meet with him.
When we weren't together he would constantly be asking what I was doing or who I was with. I had to send him photos of who I was with, or he would video call me to make sure I was speaking the truth. However, when he was with other people, I didn't exist. He hated me having male friends, but he was allowed many female friends because they were "school friends" and it wasn't his fault I moved around to different schools.
He has called me a slut because his cousin looked at me in my bikini, he would go through my underwear if I came home for the weekend to see my children to see if there were stains in them, he would take my car keys off me so I couldn't go anywhere, he would take my phone off me, he has broken so many things of mine that I've had to replace, I would pay for nearly everything when we went away. He would take back gifts he had given me, but kept everything I gave to him.
His family have no idea he is this way, I now know that he has many personalities and they see the "good boy" routine. He would pick fights behind closed doors then act like nothing had happened and I was made out to be the bitch.
7 months into our relationship I tried to overdose and ended up in hospital, he bought me home to see my kids for a weekend after that, I had lost my job because of him. We had taken my car and he dropped me off with the kids, then whined all weekend I wasn't paying him any attention, on the way home he was picking for a fight, I was ignoring him. He was screaming at me, calling me psychotic, and saying i should of popped more pills and done myself in for food. He was speeding (which I later got a fine for) and smashed the windscreen. I told him to stop at a service centre and I refused to get back in the car, so he took my bag with my purse, phone and all my belongings, and got in my car and drove home and left me in the middle of nowhere. The police did nothing because I had consented to him driving my car. I moved back to my home town after that and he would come and visit me on weekends. I now know this suited him.
There is so much more that I haven't mentioned, but I think you get the general idea. He is 35 years old, lives at home with mummy and daddy, never payed one bit of rent to his parents, he lets them pay for his holiday home, he never pays his bills, and has no idea about responsibility. He would tell me that he wants to live my boring life, that he didn't want his life of partying, drinking and drugs anymore, that he wanted a family with me.
After the last time he hit me in January, I couldn't let him in, I shut him out, but he kept pushing and pushing and telling me that he was being "nice" so why was I being such a bitch to him. The damage had been done, but I loved him so much and just couldn't let him go. At the end of May he left for good back to mummy and daddy, but kept telling me right up to the end of July that he was coming back. I then found more indiscretions on the Internet he had been up to since November last year. I confronted him with it and he blocked and deleted me from everything and got with someone else 4 days later. I haven't heard from him for about 4 weeks now.
I am gutted, destroyed, he just wrecked havoc on mine and my kids lives then just disappears.
Some days I hate him so much, but yet I cry day and night because I miss him, I have gone into massive amounts of debt for this guy, I have done everything for him, I gave up everything for him and now I'm left with nothing, I only see my children every 2 weeks. I have almost lost my job, have cut back my days because I can't cope with the complete emptiness I feel and utter devastation. I can't sleep at night because I'm scared or hoping he will knock on the door. I sit here every day just wondering if he will contact me, knowing at the moment I'm still too fragile to not reply.
I just don't understand or comprehend how someone can play a game with you for so long, and get some form of enjoyment out of seeing you in pain, but yet cry to you they are sorry and I am "his life" and wants to be with me forever.
How do you keep going knowing that he used me, that he never loved, that he was able to lie about everything he said and done, and I believed it. I am at the lowest of lows I have ever been in my life and struggling to get out of bed each day, or to not cry over the slightest little thing.
I hate him for destroying me while he walks away and lives his great happy life like the last 3 years didn't exist just like I don't.