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tougher for me this time around

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#1 Nov 10 - 7AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

tougher for me this time around

by now you would think I would be able to deal with this so much better...but this time around- he really made me feel like it was all my fault...told me he was removing the choker collar (as if I had him on a leash)

his reaction to my texts was really out of proportion and then he just went silent that day-(so I think I am blocked)

I know for sure I am blocked on his regular emails... because he set up some filters...after a huge misunderstanding and claimed he didnt have time to remove them and instead gave me this new email address.... that was sent to the email software he uses anyway...so that made no sense to me at all.

I guess I am most hurt because he was so beyond angry at me... and I feel like i did something wrong ... I dont feel i had him on some leash at all...more like the other way around.

just feeling really hurt- I guess before I just thought i was blocked this time I know for sure that I am. and for good.

and that hurts too that he keeps backupgirl and never does this to her at all. he will get mad at her but they dont not talk for days... that hurts

so - yea basically I am hurt...really hurting. and I guess this is like starting over for me... the tears again etc....
and i keep beating myself up that I knew better than to break NC. I guess too I just want to go back to the days when I would ignore him....

The one thing that is different with ME this go around is I am living my life... doing a lot, keeping busy etc...much different from the past. but when I stop....and realize he has ditched me it hurts.

Nov 10 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It's no different than going

It's no different than going a few rounds with a boxer in the ring that you have never won a single round with.....why get back in the ring? I think what you need to do, is remind yourself of the person you are dealing with. He is not normal, you are expecting a normal outcome from a not normal person! It will NEVER happen! And as far as him not doing this to the other women, you don't know that for sure. Besides, if he isn't now, he will eventually. That is their M.O. He is in your head again and you are finding yourself frantically hanging on, hoping it will be different "this time". IT WON'T BE AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT........ Stay strong, stay NC this time. Nothing good comes from contacting him.
Nov 10 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks sparrow- your right I

thanks sparrow- your right I guess there is a part of me thinking he really cares....or that I sent too many texts...and he was going thru too much stress as it was and it set him off. I guess Im mad too that he changed into the real him... I feel seriously conned..... he told me that he stays with the backup girl because she has put up with a lot of hurt from him...and never judges him (so I guess lets him do what he wants) so he said to give that up would be stupid.... he has done similar in the past but cant do it. she adores him.... thinks he is so great. I also find it hard to believe that he can just cut me off. part of me really thinks that a hit on something with saying that he found a replacement for me... that seems to set him off and he says I am making accusations. and also i think how can he hurt me like this knowing all I am going thru... everything... I know , I know he is not normal...but it is that part I cant get my head around.
Nov 10 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

He is not normal, but more

He is not normal, but more importantly, he is not confused. Everything he does, he is aware of. He is cold, calculated, and feels nothing for anyone. What he is doing to you is punishing you. Silent Treatment is the worst of punishments and they are masters at their craft. And his punishment is working........don't allow him to succeed. See him and what he is doing to you right now and take charge. Tell yourself you deserve better, because you do. Say out loud "who the hell do you think you are" as many times as you need to. Not to him of course, he doesn't care. Say it for you, because you do deserve better than this. Good luck and stay strong my friend!
Nov 10 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

exactly i do deserve so much

exactly i do deserve so much better and I do say that outloud a lot- who does he think he is...really?? he is nothing speacial..in the big picture really. not sure when he started the silent treatment.... because it never was like this before i think it was after I did it to him.... either way I guess it really is calculated......... and i am sick to death of being punished for nothing I have done wrong..nada! and the stupid thing with this Narc is he punishes me and it never worked... in his sick mind he thinks by punishing I will then magically change to the way he wants me to be...sick!
Nov 10 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

The silent treatment is the

The silent treatment is the worst. I have been through it more times than I care to admit. We always think, this will be the time they open their eyes, see us for us and appreciate all we are.......they don't, they won't, they can't........no more than we can be what they are. Whether you do anything wrong or not, it just takes the tiniest trigger for them to react. They coil, like a threatened snake. One time, mine suggested over and over again that I should "date" other men. He was relentless about it. I told him that I took his advice and went on a date. He was OUT OF HIS MIND and did not speak to me for a month. Never said a word about it, never gave me any indication that he was upset or angry.........just dissapeared. Only to resurface once again. This was ongoing for some time and I finally just decided he wasn't worth any more of my energy, that I deserved better, much better. He can no longer punish me. And you will be there one day soon as well. Remember, who the hell does he think he is? :)
Nov 10 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sparrow- are we dealing with

sparrow- are we dealing with the same Narc?? I think that is what triggered mine the most this time... i asked what he really wanted me to do...he said he wants the best for me...that if he called me one nite and I said I had a date he would be very happy for me...he wouldnt go into a jealous rage. so in the one text i said that I was going to go on a date to make him happy. he called me and said my texts were juvenile... and we were done ..having a clean break told me to leave him alone and hung up. the nasty texts and emails came later as he raged. I guess what I have to keep in mind is the dynamics have changed...before Narc was being supportive as friends first (all fake of course)..and we never would fight and he would nver think to do the Silent treatment.....that role changed into what it is now- and i guess for me I hoped it would go back to the way it was... but it cant because he couldnt keep up that act. to show how twisted he is...he believes it is good to take others for granted means you are comfortable with them. sick! and the nerve to say that he appreciated me being in his life the way I am... yes who the hell does he think he is really.... he is nothing ! i will say that all day today.
Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Nah, it would seem though

Nah, it would seem though that all of us here shared the same narc, because they are all the same. The silent treatment is rarely used early on.....it's their "ace in the hole" they keep it in their back pocket until it is time to use. It's just what they do. They are so predictable once you get a better understanding of who and what they are. You can almost set a clock to them. Mine, I could set a calendar to at least. He became my "petri dish" learning all I could about the behavior. They are twisted in the heart, and the mind. But they are calculated and will wreak havoc as long as you allow it. Say it all day, every day, until it is cemented in your brain! Good luck!