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Tortured IN & OUT of these relationships

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#1 Mar 23 - 3PM
momoya
momoya's picture

Tortured IN & OUT of these relationships

Here is something I am noticing: That most of us are tortured IN these relationships, often enduring long and endless fights over the same topics with the N, realizing that nothing will help or change it..YET ...still taking blame and fault and beating ourselves up...and the feeling of urgency when NC starts...the feelings that we can't make it, the doubts and negative thinking ...torture us when we leave.

do you find that you can't feel good about this situation either way? Even when you learn he IS an N? because even if you do get back with the same N, you know it won't last long before the same BS pops up again...and even if you don't go back to the N...you don't feel good about your choice to make a positive change.

We make it hard on ourselves. We do most if not all of the introspection and education on NPD and yet we don't treat our selves with kindness and love and fogiveness? ---We sure a hard on ourselves!

I was Not in a long term relationship with the N and so my sympathy really does go out to all of you that extracting your lives after many many years. It is not easy to change.

I think I believed in him so strongly initially that when I learned the real truth I was devastated that I not only could of been so WRONG but that LOVED HIM INTENSLEY and had faith in him.I was so dissapointed this didn't work out, that great feeling of dissapoint was stronger with him than anyone else.I really believed in this connection we shared.

This is a hard "life change" for us but either way I see that we are not as hard on them as we are on ourselves.

Best to all of you!

Mar 24 - 1AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

This topic is what I was thinking about today

The pain when in it and the pain while out of it. i was trying to remember which was worse. And honestly, the pain while in it was worse chronic torture because I could NEVER get my needs met and it weakened my spirit trying and always being let down. This acute pain sucks but I can feel my little spirit gaining strength every day which makes me believe it will not be chronic. The obsessing truly sucks though and I will be one happy person when I wake up one morning and open my eyes and do not have him on my brain... I REALLY do not want to get stuck forever in this trap from falling in love with a shallow low conscious disturbed boy in a big body! I am also looking at my part because I knew all along he was "different" human and not a soul mate -
Mar 23 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Momoya

You articulated the conundrum very well. What I think is one of the core challenges with this why it's so hard aside from the obvious that we were duped... Is that they really did "perfect" the illusion of perfection and we thought we hit gold...it was a terrible tease and a deep betrayal to find that all we thought and believed was a sham. You are right in terms of saying we are too hard on ourselves, as I still believe it could happen to anyone. If you come into it with issues, yea, this will definately bring it up to the surface, but I firmly believe it could happen to anyone.
Mar 23 - 9PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Momoya

"I think I believed in him so strongly initially that when I learned the real truth I was devastated that I not only could of been so WRONG but that LOVED HIM INTENSLEY and had faith in him.I was so dissapointed this didn't work out, that great feeling of dissapoint was stronger with him than anyone else.I really believed in this connection we shared." I identify with your statement. I think, regardless of time, the pain is essentially similar. These individuals, I mean cons, can make weeks seem like years. I'm hard on myself because I know that I can do better. I know that I don't have to stay stuck in the cycle. I owe it to myself to change. That, and I am perfectly capable of changing. I've made changes in other areas, and I can change in this way, too. Some things are simply more difficult to change than others, that's all. I know that the N can't, won't, and never will try to change at all. It's a wasted endeavor to scrutinize someone who will never change. I can't and don't have any expectations that he will change. I can only worry about myself, so I don't get caught up in that dysfunction again. If I'm not truthful with myself, I'll let it happen again.
Mar 23 - 6PM
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Tourtured!!

You wrote: I think I believed in him so strongly initially that when I learned the real truth I was devastated that I not only could of been so WRONG but that LOVED HIM INTENSLEY and had faith in him.I was so dissapointed this didn't work out, that great feeling of dissapoint was stronger with him than anyone else.I really believed in this connection we shared. Yes, those two things, being so wrong and loving him so much, have been very difficult to get over. I thought he was the best thing I had ever met which, like you, made the disappointment more intense. Thinking about it now makes me sad. There was so much potential, but it wasn't real which is hard to accept.
Mar 23 - 4PM
stillnotconvinced
stillnotconvinced's picture

Very well stated.

Very well stated.