tootsgee's story

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Apr 21 - 3AM
tootsgee's picture

tootsgee's story

You have to go.

I first met N while leading a walk for a social group we were both in. (Note to self - social groups either cyber or real-life are full of Ns) I didnt really take any notice of him - he looked like a boring middle aged divorced man... not much to recommend him. I remember he asked me loads of questions.... (mmmmmm) and then he started texting me and I remember being a bit wierded out cos I hadnt given him my number ... I had posted it on the site but it still felt like a bit of boundary encroachment.

He started to ask me out in text ... but then didnt actually ever set a date... I was playing it cool but if the truth be told just the fact that he wanted me (or seemed to) had got my interest. I was at a point of just completing my recovery from a relationship and had been single for 18 months or so. I believe that I didnt think i would ever find anyone so this little attention I was grateful for.

He didnt ask me out but came along to another event I was on... we chatted and then as the day went on and we moved into the evening we were still chatting but he was chatting to other people - there are lots of socialable people in this social group and I believe I sealed my own fate that night cos when I look back on it - I think it could have been any number of women that took the bait... I think he was lining up more than one... but my desperation was such i made it easy and as we had had drinks I kissed him - and that was the moment that nailed me in.

after that night it was a whirlwind - texts, calls, declarations, meals, compliments, flowers, texts, calls, declarations, meet my family, meet my child, ive told everyone about you. lets go away for the weekend. lets go on holiday....I love walking, I love camping oh Ive waited all my life to meet you. You wont ignore me, you wont be argumentative, I bet you wont cheat on me….. on and on he went.

I was hooked... I thought I had found the one.

On our very first date he told the lie that would dog our whole relationship the most. He said I have two step children and my own son but I have always been open to having more children and getting married.

Other lies – I believe were – I NEVER lie I ALWAYS tell the truth, I have NEVER been unfaithful, I like to be settled down.

We had our first weekend away after about 4 weeks and on my return I sent a text to my friend saying I hadn’t really had a good time but I didn’t really know why…. And that I think was the end of the wooing period.

Over the following few months I was uneasy, I didn’t feel heard, I started to be criticised all the time, he was starting to isolate me and my confidence was dropping.

After about 6 weeks we had the baby conversation.. I am 42 so if he wasn’t up for it I needed to know. Anyhow after saying that he was up for it he then had a total turnaround and said no he wasn’t. So I said ok I understand but it’s a deal breaker for me so we cant carry on. He went I was devastated. I went to my ‘friends’ (now a minion and fan of his) and cried for hours. He started to text me and say how sorry he was and please could he come back and talk to me.

We talked and he said – he had thought about it and he would like to have children especially with me. So we were back on … blip over…… I was scared stiff though because I had completed melted down over the break up .. the intensity of my heartbreak was shocking and not like anything I had known before which also made me believe that he was the one!

We carried on and there were what seemed to be many great times… but the mask was slipping and the criticism was getting worse, the undermining, the gaslighting, the ambient abuse BUT I couldn’t recognise it … I just didn’t feel right. I would have days where I just cried all day and couldn’t get out of bed but I couldn’t tell anyone what was wrong. It was like I was breaking down.

I started to feel more and more insecure that he would leave me for another woman especially a friend of mine I was becoming insane with jealousy.

On our holiday which was in Month 3 he didn’t speak to me for the whole day – just pretended to be asleep on a sun lounger because I questioned why he had rung this woman. I didn’t see what was happening to me I just blamed myself for being insecure and unstable with jealousy.

After him telling me time after time that he loved me … leading me to believe we would buy a house together, get married etc .. there was a night where I said to him something like … well if things carried on well we may get married…etc… and he stopped cold and said… why would you think that … I have never even had that thought …… have I said something to lead you on to make you think that would be possible…. And I couldn’t defend my statement … I was just blank .. and this was another moment that sealed my fate….. I was struck dumb.. I texted my friend the most desperate and heartbreaking text… now when I used to think of breaking no contact I reread that text …

It was the moment I realised all was not well… but had I walked away then I would have saved myself so much trouble but I did not.
I just went downstairs and cried and cried and he slept .. got up for work like nothing had happened and went to work away for a week. I tore myself to shreds for the week and then was all malleable and desperate when he came back … and that happened time after time…

Things were on a downward slide from there on in really…. There was a time where he told me I was being difficult and all I did was complain… I kept trying to make him see there were two sides to everything and it wasn’t just about him and this would make him tell me I was too emotional and couldn’t ever just be happy…..
After one of this times he said he wasn’t sure about us … and listed a long list of my misdemeanours … everything I had done wrong since I met him.. I tried to defend myself and spent a good long while trying to convince him not to finish with me… but he wasn’t having it .. he wasn’t sure about me cos of all these things I had done…. I couldn’t convince him so I left .. the next day I rang him and tried again to convince him… (god writing this now makes me sick) but he wasn’t having it… Finally I gave up… within an hour he texted me and said he was willing to give it another go….. WTF!

SO off we go again. By now he has suggested we move in together and so we are making plans to do this….

He then decides he doesn’t want children … I try to talk him into it but he isn’t having any of it … so I leave… then … he gets back in touch come over and talk about it … and he wants them again…..

This happened again … don’t want children .. so I left … then we go off for the weekend to talk about it and he spins me a whole scenario off… yes I want children. I want a child with you I want a little girl that I can put on the back of my bike and we can be so happy ( the little girl on the bike is what he saw when we visited some friends of mine who have a little girl) wont it be great .. we can be a family with my son and our daughter it will be wonderful … I love you …blah blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah
So im back in it … we are just about to move in together and his son says … I would love a brother or sister ….. I say to N isn’t that great that T wants a brother or sister N – I don’t want more children…..
Me – but you said …….blah blah blah … .
N – No I didn’t ….. I never said that…….
Me: Yes you did ….
N; No I didn’t … was I drunk??????

This went on for some time… By this point I knew it wasn’t going to happen – I knew the relationship was dying and that it would end…. So I didn’t fight him……I just stopped talking to him.
What I find astounding is we still moved in together .. I didn’t finish it then … I just let him move in… he just did what he wanted … moved in the furniture he wanted .. moved out my furniture which he didn’t want… took lots to the dump and took over my house… I just let it happen I didn’t really fight him.

Once in my home .. he uppped the abuse .. after a week I had finished it with him and made him leave. He was back tail between legs within days and telling me it was because of his divorce and the stress of selling the family home… Mr Charming was back and he moved back in….. this lasted for two weeks before the abuse started again …..
There were days when I couldn’t go to work cos I couldn’t get out of bed, there were days when the stress of being in conversation with him I would realise I had scratched the skin off my arms…. I was being gradually and systematically brought down.
I no longer knew what to wear, how to look, I didn’t see people very much and everyone I did see was no good for me apparently … he said: I drank too much, I snored, I wasn’t cleaning enough, I swore too much, I was too sarcastic, I used to many big words, I was emotional, I was blah blah blah blah blah.
He could have his son and myself in a state of emotional anxiety within moments and then walk away and leave the two of us reeling.
Because he was doing the same abusive shit to his child I was able to see what was happening and that finally opened my eyes… I started to read up on abuse and made a decision in my own head that after xmas I would make him leave . Over xmas things really escalated . there were rages, there was hours of silent treatment, there was making me feel insignificant, massive amounts of criticism and I was pushed to the edge. I was afraid I would hit him. Then on the last night I was pushed to the edge .. I had started to have suicidal thoughts I just said to him… you have to go… it was all I could say … I didn’t have any other words… you have to go .. you have to go ….
I went downstairs and just sat .. he came down calmly and said.. do you want something to eat… I said no.. he ate a bag of crisps like a pig and then went upstairs … he came back down about 10 minutes later with a box of Turkish delight and said.. do you want one of these? I said no… he then went back upstairs again … I think he was trying to goad me… trying to see if I would change my mind… he wasn’t read to discard me quite yet and it wasn’t his plan for me to make him leave… he had nowhere to go…. ( I wonder why) and he hadn’t quite lined up anything/anyone else.
So the next morning he was saying he wouldn’t leave .. but I stuck to my guns and made him… I haven’t actually seen him properly since.he came back once to pick up some clothes and then I wouldn’t let him come back again.I packed his stuff up and although we did talk on the phone … I realised I was wasting my breath and went LC until his stuff was out and have been NC since.
He moved across the road so I guess he will stay there until he has fixed up next supply or the one after …

He used me to make his transition to the city easier … that was my purpose … help him meet people and move to a new city. JOB DONE – OVER AND OUT!

Apr 21 - 8AM
Used's picture


Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
tootsgee's picture

Thank you Used. I am so

Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Used's picture


Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
tootsgee's picture

no worries... your right he

Apr 21 - 7AM
freaked's picture

oh tracey, your story is

Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
tootsgee's picture

thank you freaked .. I am so

Apr 21 - 6AM
Sparrow's picture

These guys are good aren't

Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
tootsgee's picture

thnk you Sparrow... Its

Apr 21 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
freaked's picture

Sparrow, i am no longer a

Apr 21 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
freaked's picture

but Sparrow....... i never

Apr 21 - 5AM
Trainwreck56's picture


Apr 21 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
tootsgee's picture

thanks TW... I was so fond of