Toonice's story

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 1 - 9PM

toonice

Toonice's story

Hi I am not sure where to start. I am divorced and started dating 20 mon. ago. I realized 9 mos. ago that this man is just not giving anything to the relationship at all.
He was wonderful to be with during the first 4-6months.

Then it all went downhill when I stopped agreeing with things in his life having to do with how he was dealing or better said.. Not Dealing with his custody of his kids.
He would just stop talking to me for days... nothing like he put me in NC?? I would call and he was like... nothing ever happened.
This past May 09 I had it with all of it and walked out left the key and took what few things I had there.

He never called nothing at all didn't try to talk to me. After 6 days I couldn't stand it and called.

At this time I didn't know he was a N.

It was right before his last custody hearing that he said to me,Do you think I am a N? I was surprised for I had heard this word but never knew what one was. So I went home that night and looked it up. Well his ex wife claimed he was one and then a month later his sister told me he had 5 of the 7 criteria? now why would she tell me this? So My radar went up.

months later and a lot of feeling like I tried hard to make this work and it is never going to. He claims that nothing in our relationship has changed ...??? but yet he no longer kisses me or hugs me or acknowledges me.
we have sex well not sure anymore.... been 2 wks? and that is about average.

The last time we fought he screamed at me that we were not married and he could do as he wished and then turned it all around and blamed me. Well that was it and I just let him go and ignored him. He blames everyone but himself for his problems.

my problem is I seem to get to about a week away from him and I break NC. I need a place where I can post my urge to talk to him so that I don't call him.

I know I need to be away from him he is toxic and has made me a miserable person.

my birthday was a perfect example he showed up 3 hrs late for our trip to the beach. had time to get a haircut though! and he knows how to push my buttons there too... I hate a certain way he gets it cut and when he wants me to back off and be in a pissy mood he does this.
he slept the 90 min trip to the beach. We ate dinner and went to the hotel.He went to sleep and slept in. I got up and got coffee and walked the beach before he was even up.
No sex Nothing... nope he was totally nonaffectionate and I decided to head home the next day. I was driving.

He didn't invite me to his daughters ballet performance yet I was invited in the summer?
now it is the holidays and I am not a part of his family suddenly. He can't expose his kids to me? his exwife is dating and the bf is at her house this week like at thanksgiving and he can't deal with it. So he needs me to not be around suddenly.

so I am running... fast as I can trying to shed the toxic ooze that comes from him.
just need support so I don't turn back and crumble and let him in again.

I know this has to end for there is nothing he can give for he is an empty heartless person with no feelings for anyone but himself. The last time I saw him I felt nothing it was like staring at a stranger I had no interest in at all. I guess I've started to finally detach.
thank you for listening.

#2 Feb 13 - 9PM

toonice

trying to stay NC

I am trying hard to stay NC. There are things that trigger me to think.. what if? But then I can usually get these thoughts out of my head. He drove by my house last weekend. I happened to be sitting at my desk and had the shade down but open and I saw him go by one time. He has not tried to contact me. Do they ever just go away? disappear? this last time of enforcing the NC he blew up at me first so maybe that is why he can walk and blame me for everything. I refused to help him with a task and told him. Grow up and be a man and do what you need to do and just get it done. you've had 4 days to write a rough draft and I am not going to write it for you. He hung up on me. oh well.... an hr later he called and he was enraged the worse I had ever heard him to be. I ended the call do not call me or come to my house. so far he hasn't. I keep reminding myself of how much of my life he wasted. How he used me to get things done and then took all the credit. he was emotionally not there for me yet wanted full sympathy every time he got stressed and got a headache. the part that will always boggle me even yrs from now will be how can they turn the emotion on and off? he could kiss like he truly was passionate and romantic. and then he could be cold as ice. he could be fun and laugh and then nothing but an empty shell. he could come over and snuggle up and hold me and make me feel safe or he could snore and be a blob in my bed. how does the brain do this?

#3 Feb 13 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

toonice

first off are you in therapy? That's a big one for deprogramming from the brainwashing and retraining the brain has it been 18 months of absolute NC? If not, you have a ways to go I strongly recommend making a side by side list: Good things about him vs. Bad things about him/ bad things he did or said take this list and post it in your bathroom so you must look at it multiple times a day. leave it up for a month or two. This will help you focus on the REALITY of him... not the FANTASY ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#4 Jan 3 - 6PM

TexN (not verified)

Toonice

As I was reading your story, I thought for a minute you were with my exN! He doesn't make an effort to see his daughter although he tells everyone I'm keeping his child from him), controlled when and if we were going to have sex, no affection, disappeared and wouldn't call for days, and then act as if nothing had happened, everything was my fault (or whoever else he could blame!), always late, "never had a chance to pick up my birthday present" (too busy working), had to cut his hair on the back by his collar cos they always "F***ed it up", ruined all holidays....Yes Toonice, he is very much a Narcissist. There is a post here that lists all their traits. I bet he has more traits than his sister told you. Be strong and get out! Don't waste your life on this loser! Life is too short! Believe me, I know about the struggle to not contact him. I knew my exN was a miserable horrible boyfriend but I just couldn't get myself away from him...I guess the best I could describe it is like being "addicted to him". Please, listen to the ladies here. He is very very toxic and will never change. What was the deal with the custody situation, if you don't mind me asking?

#5 Jan 4 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

toonice

thanks to all of you

Well I survived the weekend.. my kids were in and out all weekend and my son has moved back here and has his own apt with his gf now but well... family closer is always better... and offer them a free a meal and they will be here ! Let's see the wonderful mr. perfect.... nc from him at all... nothing. Amazes me how someone can get up and it is New Years eve and your supposedly in a relationship and yet they can't even call you... oh wait. go out or have dinner..? this has really blown my mind that he didn't have any plans at all to even spend the time with me? so is he like dumping me? and then going to blame me for not calling him? well guess time will tell and only if he calls and leaves a msg. for I changed his ringtone so I won't answer it by mistake and have no desire to speak to him. i really don't want to talk to him which is odd for when my xh got caught cheating and left I wanted to talk to him constantly, still loved him. Mr. perfect well shoot... no love there it is obvious I wasted my time. Do they cycle in and out of an up and down phase? he went through a no cleaning not caring what he wore phase for like 2 months and then the weekend after Christmas when he ignored me on Christmas and I decided to go NC he was in a buy new clothes and lose weight and clean house mode. I went there to pick up my vacuum he borrowed and he had actually cleaned. well my thought is he is setting the house up for his next victim.... poor person. He was a very good persuader.... children.. he has 2 and 2 months ago he complained about the mom not letting him keep them longer one Sunday night and having to call them when he had them for a week. I said... why don't you ever call them? no one has told you that you can't. idiot never thought of it??? so now he calls but the kids don't really talk on phone they are 6 and 5. So now he claims the mother is telling them not to talk to him on the phone... ( I took notes and want to write a story about him!) he had 50-50 custody during his separation and the mom didn't like it so she played games and somehow got one of the little kids to tell that one of his friends "touched him" now... I am not sure what happened but the guy she blamed was a retired detective with grandchildren so well long story short he lost 50-50 nothing came of accusations it could not be proven and now he only has them everyother weekend and wed. at a cost of over $50K in lawyer fees in 3 yrs. one last thing... everyone keeps telling him that eventually the kids will be old enough to decide they want to live iwth him or she will want them gone more for she is dating. he is not pleased with this for "he is in a knife fight and he has to win" if she gives in then it is not the same. i feel sorry for the kids. well starting a new week and a new year and it is going to be better once i get all the toxin out of me.... hugs to all of you and thank you

#6 Jan 3 - 6PM

TexN (not verified)

Toonice

#7 Jan 3 - 12AM

becoming sane

Run!

Read,read,read... This site is so good Barbara knows just the right time to load up the board with articles that are so helpful, I start nearly every day with this site just to keep me tuned up and reminded of the traps they pull and to help in my detatchment from my narc.

#8 Jan 2 - 11PM

burton720

Definitely stay away. It's

Definitely stay away. It's the only way you can step far enough away from the situation to see it for what it really is. You're lucky in that you didn't marry the guy or have kids with the guy. Life is short. You'll end up wasting years on someone you'll wish you hadn't. I wish I had taken my own advice.... Good Luck ~

#9 Jan 2 - 12PM

agnesmurphy17

Too Nice

That strikes a chord . . . being too nice. Please, do not contact this man ever again. Just the description of your birthday is enough for me. The Red Flags are popping up everywhere! After a 20 month relationship, you can still get away relatively unscathed. All holidays are a reason for these guys to be b******ds! I won't even go into what mine did for the 2 of the 3 birthdays & Christmas seasons I had with him. My birthday is just a few days before Christmas. I was way too nice to my N & made too many excuses for his bad behavior. And, his bad behavior just escalated & escalated. Get out. ASAP. Don't look back. Anytime you want to contact him, write into this forum. You owe him no explanations. Just cut him off. Take care of yourself.

#10 Jan 2 - 8AM

ForeverLearning

Kick Toxic SludgeMan To The Curb

Hello - I do feel very bad for you, for all you have been thru with SludgeMan. The good news is, you have learned alot and so hopefully you can spot this quickly if you should ever encounter this behavior again when dating someone. Thank God that you are getting free of him now after 20 months instead of 20 years!!! He won't change, he thrives on and enjoys abusing you and making you feel bad. Rotten isn't it? I was surprised that his ex-wife and sister were already aware that he is a Narcissist. The one lucky thing he did was mention it to you, so that you were able to do some research on it and get educated on what was actually going on in your relationship. It all sounded so familiar with the beach trip episode.... him arriving late, getting the annoying haircut, sleeping on the way, no sex that evening, and avoidance of any sightseeing / not having fun while there. Unfortunately over the years I have been on several HUNDRED trips exactly like that with my Narc. This was before the internet was really around, and I wasn't able to research and learn about Psychopaths and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Get away, stay away, no contact. And try to remain positive and in good spirits about your future and enjoy your journey in this world of discovery and learning about life, and know that with patience and wisdom you will soon discover a great guy that is out there waiting to meet someone special like you.

#11 Jan 1 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

Welcome toonice

Welcome... get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - call a DV Center if you need to get an advocate ASAP to get this man completely out of your life - NOW - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. Your story is very very common. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing THANK YOU reading the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers NO CONTACT! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) and you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP.

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