Tonight's Blog Talk Radio Show - Why a Narcissist Enters into a Relationship

Thanks for your feedback! Glad you found the show helpful tonight. Hope this answers your question: The following terms have been used interchangeably in our culture for years: real self, true self, inner child, higher self. These terms refer to the same core part in humans. It is who we are when we feel most authentic or genuine. Our true self is loving, giving, expressive, creative, and spontaneous. Overall, we feel whole and alive when we are in touch with our true self. In contrast, what has been called the false self, unauthentic self, or public self describes how we feel when we are uncomfortable or strained. Alienated from the true self, our false self is egocentric, selfish, withholding, envious, and critical. Our true self is who we are when we feel most in touch with ourselves. The false self is often used by individuals as a way to cover up their true feelings. The false self is inhibited and fearful. Once formed and functioning, the false self stifles the growth of the true self. The more developed one’s false self becomes, the more nonexistent the true self becomes. The true self plays no role (active or passive) in the conscious life of a narcissist. The false self serves many functions to a narcissist, the most important being that it acts as a shield or barrier to anyone who could potentially hurt, upset, or disappoint him. It can absorb any amount of pain. A narcissist typically invents his false self as a child. He is most likely experiencing neglect or abuse. By inventing the false self, he disconnects from himself so he doesn't have to feel any pain. He develops immunity to any abuse, indifference, smothering, or exploitation he may fall victim to as a child. He does not want to experience the feelings this mistreatment causes. Therefore, he invents a false self to protect himself from the pain. By projecting a false self to others, a narcissist is able to live in a fantasy world of his own creation. This projection acts as a defense shield to ensure his true self (buried deep within) can never be hurt again. It protects him from the pain of his reality. Another theory: According to Freud, if a child is over-indulged or under-indulged in any of the stages of pyscho-sexual development (i.e. oral, anal, narcissism, etc.) it results in what he calls fixation. Fixation describes an adult who is stuck or attached to an earlier childhood mode of satisfaction. An example: A child who sucks his thumb for too long gets stuck or fixated in the oral stage and may be more likely to become a smoker as an adult - oral fixation. Everyone of us goes through a narcissistic stage as a child. An infant does not see others as indistinguishable from the self. An infant or small child perceives the world as an extension of himself. Children feel that people, particularly mother, are present to cater to their every need. They know that if they cry, they can elicit an immediate response in those around them. They will be presented with food and cradling in response to any fussing or crying on their part. They see others as existing solely for their own purposes. This type of selfishness is natural for an infant or small child. An infant must rely on others to meet their needs in order to survive. According to Freud, this extreme selfishness, or narcissism, is a normal psychosexual stage of development between the stages of auto-eroticism and object- libido. In 1914, Freud published an entire article on the subject titled “On Narcissism: An Introduction.”2 Most children eventually grow out of this narcissistic stage. They grow out of it and learn to understand that others have needs as well. Unfortunately, not everyone grows out of this stage. If they receive too much or too little attention (neglect or abuse), they may become fixated in this stage, obsessed with getting their needs met at all times. Hence, the pathological narcissist. Basically, a narcissist disconnects from himself as a child and learns to live in fantasy world of his own making so he doesn't have to feel. This is why they are incapable of feeling for others. Narcissists do not experience the feelings that make us uniquely human, like love and compassion because their emotional growth was stunted at age 5 - the age when children believe the world revolves around them. It's sad, really. They never developed any complex feelings and only possess the gut instinct feelings we all need in order to survive - fear and rage. Basically, their needs were never met as a child and they are stuck in this perpetual state of wanting their needs to be met, but have the emotional capacity and entitlement of a five or six year old child. Like I said, it's sad, but something none of us can fix. We must accept them for who they are or move on if we want more. Personally, I believe we all deserve more. No one deserves to date a child in a man's body. I hope this helps. Sorry so lengthy! Hugs, Lisa