Today was a good day

I have had some lousy days lately. Full of tears, confusion, disappointment for falling backwards in healing, guilt thinking I may have caused the devalue/ discard, difficulty sleeping- I've been just a mess.

However today- I went to the mall and for the first time I didn't have to spend about 5 minutes crying in the car when I came out.

The mall was a HUGE trigger for me! So much, that I have avoided it as much as I can. It was because that was a place he and I went weekly and even when I would go alone I used to shop always thinking about what he would like.

I would buy outfits that were sexy... however not slutty. "I like that you know how to look classy and hot in public but a whore in the bedroom!" said the Narc to Jessika 'the narc pleaser'. Ewwww. And that kind of statement used to actually make me feel proud, ugh- Talk about brain washed!

Today I even went into Victoria secrets and didn't pick up an 'outfit'/'costume' to please him. I used to want to get his attention so much that I even bought their sexy Valentines day costume, sexy stocking, RED WINGS and all--- God... I was like a puppet for him- to keep the narc from getting bored or ignoring me.

I would NEVER wear sneakers or sweats when he and I would go to the mall together---- however today- GUESS what? I wore sneakers, sweat pants, AND a pony tail! NEVER could have done that with him. I did that once and he told me that he was upset that people couldn't see what a sexy body I had.... "who can tell what I got when you have an outfit like that on!??!?!" And believe me, during that outing he treated me like he didn't want to be bothered with me. In fact he laughed at me and asked me if i was depressed or something. "You don't even care what you look like!"

He wanted me to be his walking Barbie doll- The implied rules were make sure you show off the tatas... wear tight jeans to show the shape of the ass... wear high heels and always wear my hair down and dramatic- I always had to look like i was on my way to a F***ing photo shoot- however I felt so alone and hurt inside! AND STILL he didn't appreciate it. It was his standard and I had to maintain it!

I am a size 4 and he had the audacity to tell me that I needed to pay a bit more attention to my figure. Mind you I am someone who works out, etc. However, he likes the body of bodybuilding women (like his last girlfried (fitness model--- however I thought she looked very much like a guy- no body fat, however HUGE DD boobs!! Looked so fake! LOL!). I told him I will NEVER get that lean, bc I don't find the bodybuilder's attractive).

Enough of all of that!

Anyway, I had a great day. I found a new fragrance for myself. I gave all my old fragrances that were worn while with him away. I gave ALL of my casual clothes (except for a couple of jeans) to Goodwill. I got rid of my bedspread and all my sexy lingerie/ costumes and insane hooker shoes (worn only at home) were boxed up and packed into the garage.

I kept the Rolex, diamonds, big screen, etc--- hell, Im not crazy! LOL!

I feel like i am cleansing myself of him and it felt good today.

Just wanted to share that, bc for the past week my heart was hurting so badly that I felt helpless and doomed to be depressed forever. I was wanting a broken creature... a monster. I just pray that I dont fall in that hole again- it's so damn hard.

This rollercoaster of healing is tough, however I truly appreciate a day like today. Thank you God/ universe.

Thanks for listening!

Jessika