Today is a sad day
Today is a sad day
Many have read the condensed story i posted 30+ weeks ago here on AAH. A lot has changed in my life since that day i walked out for good. It was so difficult to make that choice and to trust myself enough to make a choice that would ultimately save my life.
I took a chance that he would go on with life and be happy with someone new and that she would now fill my shoes in a way that I could not do for him. I tried my best, but it was never good enough yet....somehow... I believed that someone was out there for him that could and would give him a wonderful life. Maybe she was better than me. Maybe she was prettier, smarter, better career/money or maybe she is just a better person all around that will fulfill all of those endless wants and desires that were forced upon me that i could not give him.
I really believed that i was the source of his problem. I believed that he could be the better man if i could just give him what he needs. I believed his character was defined by the person i was not nor could ever be to him. Still yet i hung on. I tried to become this person with every ounce in my soul. Yet, my best was not good enough.
I left that day thinking about the future. How he would fare in his new happy life that was yet to come. It sickened me as i was emotionally bankrupt, withdrawn and incapacitated. My physical appearance had taken a drastic turn for the worse, suffering from moderate to severe c-ptsd. I thought i would never regain my strength, never find my way to peace, never feel normal in a real way again. Still i questioned if i made the right decision. Should i have hung on longer? Did i miss the opportunity to have the perfect relationship with him because I could never quite figure out what it took to make him happy? If i went back and tried harder, would this make the difference?
Months have passed now. I have had no contact and have done my best to avoid all that are in his life that have reached out to me seeking answers to him and what he is all about. I received news today that has left me shocked,devastated and very sad. But more than anything else grateful and relieved in my decision.
I have been contacted on and off by the OW the past few weeks. She wants answers to his strange and bizarre behaviors and actions. She has been suspicious about his double life. The true self.
I received a text msg this morning from her. He beat her bad and she is missing some of her teeth. He has been abusing her for sometime now. She is lost, scared and broken beyond belief. This was the woman that was suppose to give him the happy life i thought he would find. This was the woman that would fulfill his every need, want and desire. This was the woman that was to make him the better man that i could not achieve.
Now, this is the woman he has beaten, bloodied, knocked out her teeth, emotionally left her broken and shattered beyond recognition. This is the women that is crying out for help but not having the strength to take that chance that maybe her decision is the right one. Not believing that her best is not good enough. Struggling to try harder to make him happy and be the good man that she wants him to be. She believes that she is the problem, she can find a way to fulfil his wants, needs and desires. Believing that if she leaves she will be passing on an opportunity for when he decides to come to her a changed man. Believing that someone else is out there and will fill her shoes if she lets go.
This woman was exactly me less than a year ago minus one element; the physical abuse.
As you can see, nothing changes in a disordered persons life. They repeat the patterns and it only gets worse for every victim that comes their way.
If i would have stayed. I would be her right now. I would be sitting here alone, scared and lost. Bruised, battered, emotionally destroyed, missing teeth and still thinking of ways to make him the better man that i know he could be. Living on false hopes and dreams that would never come to pass. Maybe if i was lucky i would get out with my life, then again maybe not.
I shed a tear today in sorrow and gratitude. I am free.