Today is a sad day

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#1 Dec 28 - 12PM
betty2020's picture

Today is a sad day

Many have read the condensed story i posted 30+ weeks ago here on AAH. A lot has changed in my life since that day i walked out for good. It was so difficult to make that choice and to trust myself enough to make a choice that would ultimately save my life.

I took a chance that he would go on with life and be happy with someone new and that she would now fill my shoes in a way that I could not do for him. I tried my best, but it was never good enough yet....somehow... I believed that someone was out there for him that could and would give him a wonderful life. Maybe she was better than me. Maybe she was prettier, smarter, better career/money or maybe she is just a better person all around that will fulfill all of those endless wants and desires that were forced upon me that i could not give him.

I really believed that i was the source of his problem. I believed that he could be the better man if i could just give him what he needs. I believed his character was defined by the person i was not nor could ever be to him. Still yet i hung on. I tried to become this person with every ounce in my soul. Yet, my best was not good enough.

I left that day thinking about the future. How he would fare in his new happy life that was yet to come. It sickened me as i was emotionally bankrupt, withdrawn and incapacitated. My physical appearance had taken a drastic turn for the worse, suffering from moderate to severe c-ptsd. I thought i would never regain my strength, never find my way to peace, never feel normal in a real way again. Still i questioned if i made the right decision. Should i have hung on longer? Did i miss the opportunity to have the perfect relationship with him because I could never quite figure out what it took to make him happy? If i went back and tried harder, would this make the difference?

Months have passed now. I have had no contact and have done my best to avoid all that are in his life that have reached out to me seeking answers to him and what he is all about. I received news today that has left me shocked,devastated and very sad. But more than anything else grateful and relieved in my decision.

I have been contacted on and off by the OW the past few weeks. She wants answers to his strange and bizarre behaviors and actions. She has been suspicious about his double life. The true self.

I received a text msg this morning from her. He beat her bad and she is missing some of her teeth. He has been abusing her for sometime now. She is lost, scared and broken beyond belief. This was the woman that was suppose to give him the happy life i thought he would find. This was the woman that would fulfill his every need, want and desire. This was the woman that was to make him the better man that i could not achieve.

Now, this is the woman he has beaten, bloodied, knocked out her teeth, emotionally left her broken and shattered beyond recognition. This is the women that is crying out for help but not having the strength to take that chance that maybe her decision is the right one. Not believing that her best is not good enough. Struggling to try harder to make him happy and be the good man that she wants him to be. She believes that she is the problem, she can find a way to fulfil his wants, needs and desires. Believing that if she leaves she will be passing on an opportunity for when he decides to come to her a changed man. Believing that someone else is out there and will fill her shoes if she lets go.

This woman was exactly me less than a year ago minus one element; the physical abuse.

As you can see, nothing changes in a disordered persons life. They repeat the patterns and it only gets worse for every victim that comes their way.

If i would have stayed. I would be her right now. I would be sitting here alone, scared and lost. Bruised, battered, emotionally destroyed, missing teeth and still thinking of ways to make him the better man that i know he could be. Living on false hopes and dreams that would never come to pass. Maybe if i was lucky i would get out with my life, then again maybe not.

I shed a tear today in sorrow and gratitude. I am free.


Dec 31 - 11AM
helldweller's picture

betty and the ow

I have had nightmares the past month thinking about the other women. I have no idea if they stayed with him after I talked to them. I would bet they did. There is nothing but nothing I can do to stop them, to save them. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had in my life. There is nothing to compare to it. I remember when I first suspected he was cheating. One of his girlfriends rang my bell at eleven at night looking for him. He explained it away: "She's crazy. She's stalking me. I haven't seen her in a year." I wanted so much to believe him, so I chose to believe him. But it was never the same after that night. Every time he was gone, every time he didn't answer, every time he had to work unexpectedly, I wondered. Over the course of three years that followed I became a bundle of nerves, suspicion, fear, torment. I know this is what's happening to them now, just beginning this horrific journey with him, headed for the inevitable ending where they, as I did, realize all of their intuitions were spot on, and all of their beliefs in love, trust, decency--that they don't always come through. This poor, poor woman. I have not a bad thought for any of these other women in my narc's life. I feel like a mother who desperately wishes she could learn her children's lessons for them.
Dec 30 - 2PM
ClusterF's picture


I cried when I read this one. Especially finding out that he had it planned for her. If nobody believes that they can and do escalate, this is the proof. Mine had. She's lucky to be alive even now. I'm so glad you are in contact with this woman, and hope for her sake that she wakes up and realizes her danger and acts on her fear instead of doing the deer in headlights dance. Best of luck and prayers to both of you.
Dec 30 - 3AM
jaycee's picture

Betty, very sad message

Betty, this was a very sad message, it left me with goosebumps. You are so right, they only get worse, there is no such thing as a narc going on to become someone different and becoming a happy individual. For months, as you know, I moaned and cried, oh, he loves her, he will become this great human being because he found the one........yeah, right, he became worse, more unhappy, more sadistic in thought. He let this girl believe she was the one, how happy he finally was, that lasted about three months into their living together. He was so stressed and so miserable, he couldnt even see straight, he realized, much much sooner than he did with me and all the ow, he wasnt going to be happy and wasnt going to be loyal to her or anyone else. He did everything in his power to hang on to me, his safety, and to torment her, until he figured a way to get out. Unfortunately, for him, shes as nuts as he is, they ended with him being charged with assault and battery and two felonies, all later dismissed, since she begged they court magistrate to drop the charges, saying it was just a misunderstanding, luckily, for my hN, the cop who filed, never showed up, so once again, my psycho hN walked away smelling like a rose. Although, I hate to admit it, but she exaggerated the whole thing, thinking she was ready to let him go, then realized, she wanted him so desperately, she went to bat for him. boy, is she suffering now, she even called me, looking for sympathy, i had none, as she could have cared less about me and my kids, as long as she got what she wanted. But thats another story, my point is, you are so right, and it is so sad, they become much much worse as they get older, and with each new woman, they become more and more evil. as for the ow in your case, she lost her teeth to his violence, his rage, his inhumane actions. You are blessed, you got out, you did the right thing, as did I, as much as anyone hates to admit it, leaving a narc, is the only way to becoming whole and safe. They are crazy, sick individuals and will destroy everyone who comes into their lives. I do feel sorry for anyone who is subjected to such rage, and pray that everyone here, and those who have no idea what a personality disordered monster is, can break free. I hope you find peace knowing you were brave enough to rid yourself of this animal. Im very sorry it continues to linger for you long after you set yourself free. I will keep you in my prayers, and please, dont be sad, rejoice you are in a safe place. xoxo Jaycee


Dec 29 - 11PM
Leah's picture

Betty, my thoughts are with you & that woman

Thank you for posting this so that we can keep you, the woman & the whole situation in thoughts & prayers. Also, it serves as a dark reminder that people with personality disorders rarely heal, because they don't know that they have a problem...and it only becomes more ingrained with age and resistance. My mother has BPD with NPD traits...she has only gotten worse with age. She left me two creepy messages yesterday. I refuse to call her back. Half the message is creepy-sweet and half the message has that narcissistic rage tone..."this is YOUR MOTHER." When I was a kid, when my mother fought with my dad, she would throw chairs at him or punch him. She once threw a plate at my head. Thank god it missed. PDIs are volatile, unpredictably dangerous people. I'm lucky that my most recent ex-N only demonstrated his tendency towards physical abuse through another object - he threw a tile onto the floor & smashed it because he cut it incorrectly. In that moment my whole body tensed in fear; I knew on some deep level that it indicated he was capable of a lot worse. Their rage makes them this way. It's horrible, and I'm sad that this woman is going through this. I hope she'll conjure up the will to leave and press charges. And I know how hard that is to actually do... Hoping for healing of the situation, Leah
Dec 28 - 11PM
justicejones's picture


Thank you for this eye opener. All we can do is pray for this poor girl. I think it is sad that a lot of us stayed so long because we thought that if we left, we would be missing out on the "changed man" coming around. They never change for the better, only for the worse. Thanks for all you do!
Dec 28 - 9PM
victimnomore's picture

betty2020 I too felt like this

I too felt like my NH was going to have a great life with the ow if I left him. I think this is part of the reason I stayed with him so long. I have been abused physically, verbally,emotionally and sexually and still I felt that he would treat the next woman like a Queen. I am so glad that I read this post tonight because I woke up today after dreaming about my NH and started thinking about how he must have such a wonderful life by now. I really feel bad for this woman because the abuse only gets worse. By the time I left my NH he was constantly pulling out his gun to control me. I know that I made the right decision to leave because eventually he would have used that gun. I will pray for her because no one should have to live like that. I am really happy that you got out. I am living proof that it only gets worse


Dec 28 - 5PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RE: Sad Day

Yes Betty, it is a very sad day for yet another victim. I am happy you made it out. I often think that somehow I was saved, that despite the pain and anguish, somehow, it would have escalated to that level. I just feel it in my gut.
Dec 28 - 5PM
Susan32's picture

That's tragic

I remember after the final D&D one of my friends telling me that the ex-Psych professor would PROBABLY treat the OW far worse than he treated me. I was subjected to emotional abuse. He never touched me-in any way shape or form, affectionate or not. When I read that she had borne him twins, and that he had married her a couple of months before the birth--I felt horrified for her safety, and that of the children. All I knew then (and now) is that his parents moved in with him to raise his kids. During the final D&D, the ex-P would angrily slam chairs in the library. All I suffered were verbal assaults, like you did. You were fortunate to come out alive and physically unharmed. Your guardian angels were watching over you. There were times when I wished the OW was an N/P herself so she wouldn't suffer like I did. I did NOT want her to suffer. It's sad that you learned that, and tragic for the OW. My prayers are with her, that she will find safety and healing.
Dec 28 - 4PM
M's picture

Oh dear..

just shows that N's do not improve. I pray for both you ladies...
Dec 28 - 2PM
mystwoman's picture

Amen, Betty! They never do

Amen, Betty! They never do change, do they? That poor woman. It's been interesting to me, now that I'm away from xnh how my perspective has changed about xnh's first wife. I used to just detest her, and like xnh, I blamed her for lots of things. I guess I paid too much attention to his b.s., and put way too much belief in xnh's side of the stories. Now that I'm away from xnh, I see his first ex-wife more as a "fellow victim" than anything else. I don't communicate with her more than just saying "hello", if I see her in the grocery store. However, I now realize that she has suffered the same abuse and hurt that I have. I now feel sad for her as well as myself...and I'm also VERY grateful to be away from xnh. Her and I are both lucky. No one deserves to be treated this way.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 28 - 2PM
Anne_'s picture

this is sad....

but a strong message to all of us. They just don't heal, don't they.... I hope she has someone to rely on. I'm so glad that you got out.... Hugs, Anne
Dec 28 - 2PM
lynn61's picture


heat breaking... thank you so much for your incredible words of hope, encouragement but also such grace towards this woman who could have been you. thank god for your emotional and spiritual health betty. much love to you this new year.


Dec 28 - 1PM
Deidre99's picture

This is horribly sad. I am

This is horribly sad. I am grateful you got out, but so sad for that poor woman. I hope she finds safety and peace in her life.
Dec 28 - 1PM
Briseis's picture


How sad :( I just want to call the police on her behalf :(
Dec 28 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
betty2020's picture

Its been on the table all

Its been on the table all morning. If i could without risking her life, i would. But we know that unless she is ready to make the final move and leave, she will deny the abuse and not press charges. This will make him beat her even worse. I cant take this gamble. I am not convinced she is ready. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 28 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Briseis's picture

Oh God yes :( That is

Oh God yes :( That is exactly right. If she were willing to LET law enforcement help her, that would be one thing. But if she has any belief at all that she can "get through to him", calling the cops is more likely to get her hurt worse or even killed :( I know the State presses charges even if the victim refuses to. But she sounds like she'll put herself willingly right in his line of fire.
Dec 28 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
blueeyes's picture

If she is not ready?

She will get worse next time :( This poor girl. Betty, I know it kills you to see this, probably in more ways than I can imagine. Idk how you remain in contact knowing the sadness. I hope she gets away soon... Especially since he got away with it this time. My mindset in August and half of sept was this : "Hey, maybe I am the one he treats better? Maybe he won't put his hands on me because I am strong and I do not take Bull S from anyone. He knows better than to mess with me physically. Now, if I can just get him to see the "person" he is deep down, then our love will grow and he will grow. I am strong, I can show him, get him counseling and we can be parents to these children. I can do this for him, I can do anything." Then he wacked me one good! I had gone to work with bruises. It was NEVER going to change. :( Time to ALLOW the police to HELP me. And they have. I waited a little bit to gain proof but I regret that too because that could have really killed me. Imagine him seeing the cell phone on record during the rantings? Dead for sure.
Dec 28 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
betty2020's picture

Blueeyes, Funny you would

Blueeyes, Funny you would write this post. One of the series of msgs today that she sent to me was her telling me how much smarter she is than him. How she got her fair share of hits to the face on him but she doesnt hit as hard as him. She believes she must be stronger, bigger, and smarter so she can win the fight. Yet, she realizes that he is a man, and a demented one and therefore it makes her fight back even harder. I hope one day that she realizes the only way to win is to walk away. Permanently and forever. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 28 - 1PM
Goldie's picture

Powerful Post

Dearest Betty, I am crying right along with you reading this. Clearly one of our biggest obstacles to overcome is the notion that we are not good enough for them and this may have something to do with why it is not working out. I went through that so many times as have most of the women on here. Why doesn't he love me as much as he loves the current OW, past OW, future OW? They must have something that I don't have. What can it be? How can I change enough to get that love I so badly need and deserve? I am the OW you speak of today and I am a part of you and what you describe you went through. I was yelled at so many times directly into my ears that I now suffer from pain and hearing loss. My neck is screwed up from being slammed against walls and thrown to the floor and it was only a matter of time when I would have had my teeth or head bashed in and I shudder to think of who is going to have to be with him when he gets out of jail. Some innocent victim in love with the idea of his love and being in love with him. Reminds me of Nicole Simpson and how she tryed so hard to keep O.J. happy until she had nothing left to give. This disorder has a definate progression to it and they will get away with whatever they can. Some receive the sexual abuse, some the physical, some the verbal and some all of it. Once they see that they can get away with that first cheat, that first lie, that first name calling, that first slap, that first hole in the wall it will only get worse. Hear my plea to all of you today and don't let what happened to this woman go in vain, if any of these things have happened to you, it will only get worse. You allow it once and they will take it to a new level every time or else dump you and leave you high and dry and find someone who will put up with their abuse. Betty I'm also saddened by what this women has endured and hear you loud and clear. I get it, the other women does not have it better. He did not love us and he does not love her. Thank you God for this site and the opportunity to recover from this nightmare and find self love and confidence in ourselves once again. God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
Deidre99's picture

The interesting thing I have

The interesting thing I have learned about that...the ow-syndrome, I call that that lied within me. Meaning, my need for approval and affirmation was so strong, I'd tolerate the bad behavior. I grew up in a verbally abusive household. I yearned for the love I missed as a kid, from someone else. I can't say that is the case for all here...or even many, but jumping through hoops so you can obtain crumbs of love from a total jerk, is not healthy. That is not what love is about. I pray for this woman, betty.
Dec 28 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
betty2020's picture

Thank you Goldie. It really

Thank you Goldie. It really does get worse. The fairytale land we envision for them after they move on to the next supply does not exist. Just another one of those fabled beliefs to add to the list. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 28 - 1PM
Used's picture


oh betty, how sad, but predictable, i am so glad you got out, so very very glad, and while i applaud your goodness in talking to her, it worries me to. AS a mod i know you know how many beans make 5, so i am not trying to tell you anything you havent thought of, but i hope you dont have contact with her, i believe it will take you back to a dark place, i so hope not.
Dec 28 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
betty2020's picture

Thank you Used. I understand

Thank you Used. I understand and very much appreciate your concern. My conviction stands. I made a commitment to help those suffering. Although she has a connection that is close to the heart...she is a victim non the less. I am sticking very close to Lisa right now and relying on her better judgment to lead me in the right direction. One that will help the victim and one that will keep me sane. This is something i would never recommend for us to do alone or without the guidance of someone that has a strong recovery if they ever found themselves in this predicament. I am lucky that I have such a person in my life. If not, im not sure how this news would have been received nor what actions it would drive me to take. Thank you for your concern hon. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 28 - 12PM
Happy1's picture


I'm sorry sorry for this woman and feel for her. I hope she gets the help she needs to get out of that horrible relationship. But I'm so glad for you Betty that you are out of that and know you've done the right thing. You have learned so much in the past year and helped all of us. Your support has been a tremendous help. I'm happy for you but very sad for this lady and the one after this one and so on.... Happy1
Dec 28 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
betty2020's picture

Your very welcome honey. Im

Your very welcome honey. Im glad to see you here btw. Missed you! xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 28 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Happy1's picture

Thanks Betty!

That means a lot! I missed you too! Your encouragement to me has brought me back to my safe place. I hope to be as strong as you and remain NC and get far away from my N. Thank you for sharing this and I will say a prayer for this lady and all of us that struggle. Happy1
Dec 28 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
spinning's picture

Thinking of you Betty,

and am grateful that you were strong enough to get out and move ahead, as difficult as it has been. Please stay strong. We need you. Thank you for sharing this startling story. I hope the woman finds the strength she needs to stop the cycle. Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning