Today I'm pissed off!

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#1 Apr 17 - 3PM
sara-smile
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Today I'm pissed off!

Last week was a weird one. I thought about the Narc more than I have in awhile but nothing near obsessing. It was just random thoughts that I pushed out of my head as quickly as I could. Today the thoughts of him are coming at me like bullets. I keep trying to push them out of my head but it's harder. I'm remembering more details now than I have before. Details about the things the new GF told me in her stupid email about how wonderful their lives are together and how good he is to her son and blah blah blah PUKE! Details about our relationship is coming back to me. Stuff I haven't thought about in a long time. Good stuff and bad stuff. My sister told me last night that I'm repressing memories and that is only going to be worse for me in the long run!!! She said I'm not dealing with all of this in a healthy way and I'm going to break soon if I don't deal with hit. (She doesn't even know half of what all has happened!) I don't want to think about it!!!!! I don't want to work through it! I just want to forget he ever existed! BUT I do not want it all to come back at once and end up in a mental hospital! I hate that man with every ounce of hate I have in my body! I hate that my life has come to THIS! INSANITY! Stupid dumbass NARC!

I've been reading a lot on the forums the past week because it helps me to remember how awful he really was but it also enrages me because so many women are hurting because of these psychos that are allowed to walk among the normal people taking what they want and treating people like doormats with NO punishment and no consequences! They just move on to the next victim and continue on with their sad pathetic excuse for a life that they don't even see as sad and pathetic!!!

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I have no idea what is wrong with me today. I'm raging mad!!! There is no revenge, no closure, no harsh words that effect them so it leaves us with all of this pent up rage and nowhere to put it!!!

Thanks for listening. I hope tomorrow will be better. I have to go back to work and see him after not having to do that for a week!!!! I'd rather eat dirt than go to work tomorrow!

Apr 17 - 5PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I think

I commented once to you that you will have extreme ups and downs it didnt hit me until about three weeks NC, I started to go crazy with the anger I had inside, I wanted revenge, I still fight that, knowing he will get away with what he did to me. Yes that is what they do Sara they go from one to the next and the next they are parasites on this planet. It is no easy recovery from being with them, it sucks and its the most unfair thing that has by far happened to me, nobody here deserved what happened to them, they rape people LIVES to the core that is why it is so essential to NEVER EVER contact them and stay far away as possible
Apr 17 - 6PM (Reply to #23)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

NLB

I know you are right. I've been NC about a month and the rage is getting worse. (I really didn't think it could get worse) I DO NOT want him back so I have no desire to contact him. I wouldn't give his big fat ego such a treat! He would love that! I'll never contact him again. I hope he drops off the face of the earth and when he drops I hope it's painful! :)
Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

good

Glad you have no desire - I really didnt struggle too much with wanting to contact mine either, maybe once or twice I had a bad moment but then it passed - what I struggle with is all the fricking damage I am left with, the bastard did a real number on my mind. I was so fooled and so conned he must still be laughing at me, that only tells me how fricking sick he is so I have to let it go
Apr 17 - 4PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Girl YES! I have had

Girl YES! I have had repressed grief and trauma just below my consciouness now for 15 years which is why the trauma bond has tightened. I only saw this man 3 times last year and in many ways this has been far worse than round one when I was with him constantly and we worked together too. All I can say is do not stuff this! when he comes back and trust me he will show up again probably years from now. It will seem as if the bad memories have faded a bit. You will well it was a long time ago and then whamo! and once again the trauma bond will deepen. I dont know that everyone on here is trauma bonded necessarily but I know I am. I have had some very truamatic experiences with him and he just added to the list with his text Im getting married. So for me I know I gotta unwind this thing. I am hoping that my insurance is gonna cover the therapist she seemed to think it would. I hope so or I wont be able to go. My husband wont quite understand why we need to be paying for a therapist.
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

gettinbetter

Part of the reason I need a therapist is so I'll be ready for him when he shows back up! I know he will and I dread it. I want to be so healthy by then I'll just laugh in his face!
Apr 17 - 4PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Question for everybody

I have GOT TO FIND A THERAPIST! How do I find one that will understand what I'm dealing with? Any suggestions? The one I have now is just pitiful. I need a Narc Specialist! LOL
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Does your company offer a

Does your company offer a work/life assistance program?
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

gettinbetter

Yes, that is where I got the current therapist. He's a nice man but he's NOT what I need. He wants me to tell myself over and over how wonderful I am. He knows nothing about PTSD, Narcs or anything else I'm going through. I'm going to have to find one myself since the one the assistance program sent me to isn't working.
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
Steph
Steph's picture

Search for a therapist that

Search for a therapist that specializes in abuse and in PTSD.
Apr 17 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara

Yep, you summed it up! You r just going thru the process! It comes and goes, no one can understand the mind of these nut cases! They have perfected the insanity! All we can do is learn from this and keep moving forward! Hugs idealkn
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Idealk

Are you home?? I'm glad ya'll had fun but I'm glad you are back!
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara

I'm back, lots of narc stories! As for a therapist, ask around, I found my from an alcoholic friend! Same kind of addiction!
Apr 17 - 3PM
TLSM
TLSM's picture

UGH! ASSHOLE!

Your ex N is a dingleberry. I can't stand him. Remember how much of a DB he is! I mean, OMG! He wanted and did have sex with you BEHIND HIS NEW GF's BACK! And he was physically violent with you too!!! It's GREAT your angry!!! I wish I could get angry! I need to read your story again, cause I spaced that you two work together! OMG. What a nightmare! Total distraction! I wish you could switch jobs!!! Put a Kick Me sign on his butt tomorrow. AND MY EX N HAD CROOKED TEETH TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! We should go knock their teeth STRAIGHT!
Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

My ex-n had crooked teeth,

My ex-n had crooked teeth, too! What is up with that?
Apr 18 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

no kidding??!!

OmG! What if its the same guy? Totally kidding. Maybe they think so highly of themselves that they feel that going to dentist is a waste of their time? Its so funny, the ex freak is hot and sexy as hell, but with the jacked up teeth.
Apr 17 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

LMAO TLSM

Let's go! I think a baseball bat would knock their teeth straight OR knock them out and they can get freaking dentures! Here's my story. I just reread it and it made me SICK! How in the HELL did I let all of that happen?? HOW!????? http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/02/12/sarasmiles-story Instead of the kick me sign on his butt can I just KICK THE HELL OUT OF HIM??? I should have had him fired when I had the chance. I'm such a dumbass.........he got fired and I got him his job back! DUH!! ARRGHHHHHHHH!! Stupid dumbass Narcs!!!!!!!!!!
Apr 17 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

LOL! HA!

OMG! He was fired and you got him his job back??? It's NOT funny, but LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! You gotta KIND OF laugh. You obviously were still under his spell! I GET IT! That sucks!!! That is EXCELLENT YOU RE-READ IT AND IT MADE YOU SICK!!! Thank you for the link! I am at work and will read again when I can!!! LOVE THE SHIRT ON YOUR PIC! xoxoxo PS. I have said this before on this board... Every single one of these Narcs - Their faces belong on a box of Summer's Eve!!!
Apr 17 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

TLSM

Yes, I got the idiot his job back. He cussed me daily until I did. I was still under his stupid spell at the time but when he lost his job it was the beginning of the end for us. On a box of Summer's Eve! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! OMG that is hilarious! I knew I could get my head back on straight if I posted how I was feeling. I do not know what I'd do without this forum!
Apr 17 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Steph
Steph's picture

lol!!

"We should go knock their teeth STRAIGHT!"
Apr 17 - 3PM
Steph
Steph's picture

sara-smile

There is NOTHING wrong with you. You're at an anger stage and that is healthy. He shit on you and betrayed you, damn right you can be angry! I know, we all want that "quick fix" to feeling normal again. We don't want to FEEL the emotions....we just want OUT OF CRAZYLAND lol But.....there is NO quick fix. You really do just have to give yourself permission to feel your feelings.....whether that is overwhelming sadness followed with tears....or major anger followed with puching some pillows or throwing darts at his picture.......if I was you, I'd pin up a pic of him smiling and aim the darts for his crooked teeth:) ( yours is the one with bad teeth, I think?) Sara, everything you have written is a normal part of the aftermath....like it or not, it just is. Go with the flow of it. You are doing wonderful, even when it doesn't feel like it. Hang in there! xoxo
Apr 17 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

thank you staying strong

That made me laugh! Yes, my idiot is the one with crooked teeth! Thank you for telling me it's normal. I'm past the part of missing him and wanting him back. I can honestly say that but I'm just PISSED!! When does he get his?? I may take a picture of him I have at work and blow it up and throw darts at it. Maybe that will help. I'm going to put my running shoes on and hit the pavement and see if I can pound the rage out of me! My neighbors love the days I rage and run. I know they watch me out the window thinking "there she goes again......running down the road cussing and singing like a lunatic"!! Haaaaa! I know this will pass but being back at work tomorrow is going to just SUCK! He's been on vacation with the new GF and he'll do something to rub that in my face. They probably got married while they were gone. If so everybody start saving bail money to come and get me out of JAIL! :) Thanks again! This too shall pass I guess.
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
loveyourselffirst
loveyourselffirst's picture

Sara-smile

So sorry that you have to see him every day at work. I don't know if i could handle that. I haven't seen my NH in weeks but I do have to speak to him on the phone from time to time due to finances and home sale. I try to be quick and emotionless when I talk to him. Even that limited contact affects me. He's been so 'kind' and generous to me so that I would be grateful and make him feel good and that's bad enough - I don't think I could handle him being spiteful and intentionally trying to make me miserable. The fact that you can go into work and face him tells me you have alot strength. It will pass for all of us. I just wish it were a little faster in passing!
Apr 17 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

loveyourself

I'm sorry you have to talk to him!! I finally got the Narc to leave me alone about 3 weeks ago by threatening to tell his new GF about his shenanigans and to rat him out at work and get him fired! He FINALLY shut up and I don't have to talk to him. Talking to a Narc totally messes up your head. You see the Nice Narc and it hurts!!! You know in your head it's fake but it does something to us that makes us believe that JUST MAYBE he's not really a sick and deranged lunatic! I hope it does pass for all of us. My heart breaks daily reading all of these stories. I'd like to kick all the Narcs asses!!
Apr 17 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Mell
Mell's picture

Sara

The way you are feeling is 100% NORMAL!!! I am sorry that SOB has you down and angry, but it is NOT you--it is what THEY have DONE that make it impossible NOT to be angry!!! Hugs to you and ass-kickin' for your dumbass Narc--I can't stand him!!!