Today I feel nothing...which is good...

jealousy over who he is probably with ...... Strange the jealousy was the FIRST thing I got past, I asked myself what was I jealous of? The same empty, meaningless shallow sex and relationship he has with others? That very thing that I thought I was jealous of was the ONE thing I knew nobody in his life had that I never got and we know it to be true because they arent capable of giving anything to anybody. You can imagine all you want they are happier with someone else, and that person is getting the so called love you never got - sorry it just isnt so, they dont have it to give. I am not Jealous of who he is with I am very very SAD for who he is with especially the ones they promise a future with - because they will take it all away slowly and in the end and there is always an end you will be left feeling that your whole life and body was raped. I have been NC for three weeks now, I dont have cravings for him and I dont miss him. I dont miss him because I finally accepted who the REAL HIM is that takes a long time to come to terms with. For the longest time I kept saying, please come back to me, please show me that wonderful person you once were. But, he never did he just got more perverted and twisted and uglier, so what did I do? I hung on to that damn illusion and after awhile I realized that illusion was the relationship I wanted to keep in my head and why I didnt want to let him go. Oh sure every now and then he would throw a little act my way but it lasted what a day, a week? They will always discard the victims that they can no longer fool, its never that they really dumped you they just dont want to act for you any longer too much work and effort and trouble for them because there is always someone else new they can take for a ride to hell and back, someone else with stars in their eyes who thinks they have finally met the man of their dreams, they go from one honeymoon to the next, their life is just one big honeymoon, but in reality they are nothing but rapists and thats the reality I hold on to, they take under false pretense what was never theirs to take in the first place

It is at the point now if he does not call I don't even care, and it is a better day now when he does not call because I am no longer getting anything that used to be there for me in the calls. I am looking at everything now, and I am so angry at over how this all went down and how upset I have been hundreds of times over this? I did not know he had a personality disorder, but I think he knows. Maybe he did me a favor by pulling back. Like The Who says: "We won't get fooled again"

...kept getting lower and lower; going back after punishment by weeks of silent treatment and physical abandonment ... ...it is crazy and does not make sense. The rules were constantly changing and I was in constant turmoil trying to figure them out, knowing deep down inside that something would crop up just when I thought everything was okay. Still, like TNR1 I feel I have abandoned him, though he has abandoned me. Blocked me from his phone. Five years up in smoke. I am at day 27 NC and these past three have been very difficult filled with magical thinking thoughts of "missing him" and wanting to make contact. I have not, but really really fight the urge almost minute by minute. It's nonsense to "want" my tormentor; the person who brought me more pain that I ever knew existed in the world. To be worried about him; to feel sorry for HIM!!! I know there is much inside me to be fixed; I'm trying my best and am wishing it would work sooner. I'm disappointed in myself for having these "feelings." TNR1, thank you for this post and for your honesty to Bris's replies and the others. I hope more survivors will add their comments and experiences so we can continue to be strong. I want to have a good day and am so happy that you are having one. Sincerely (trying hard to stop) spinning

The clarity really starts to kick in after you get some NC under your belt :) Is he able to contact you? Are you ready to block him? The longer the NC went on for me it's like that obsessive/craving part withered and got weaker and weaker. The clarity got stronger. I agree, about that incredible high the beginning of the relationship is. Something about the Narc makes that more intoxicating than with a normal guy. Like Goldie says in her Story, "I never felt anything like it before and never want to again." The clearer I got with NC, I could see that this initial intoxication was . . . intoxication. It wasn't "good" because look how it ended up. Maybe real mature love is a lot less "intoxication", just more gentle and grounded as it begins.