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Today I Feel Like A Failure

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#1 Nov 28 - 3PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Today I Feel Like A Failure

I don't want to be going through my 2nd divorce. I feel like such a failure to have to have my whole life drug out in front of strangers. It just tears me to my core that the man I loved so much is not really there and never really was. I miss the little things - watching tv in the evenings together, curling up in bed, holding hands in the car.

I feel like a broken person who doesn't fit in anywhere. My emotions whirl a mile a minute some days and its all I can do to get through the weeks I don't have my baby girl with me. I avoid people like the plague because I can see right through them now...a "gift" I've never had before. It's a cool but scary gift to be given.

Today I got another flurry of court paperwork from stbxN. It's all financial stuff which seems to be all he cares about. I'd give him every last fucking thing I own if he'd just drop the custody case and go the fuck away.

The kids and I moved over the weekend with the help of some wonderful people from church. It is a new beginning for us and I have been very excited for that. But just now, I don't feel so excited. I just feel like a loser who gave her heart away to the first asshole who seemed interested.

Nov 28 - 11PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Thank You All

I really appreciate your support and positive thoughts. Some days this shit hurts so damn bad - those days are getting fewer and further between thankfully. Days like today I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a 3-way intersection with no sense of what the "right" direction is. My sense of failure comes from not knowing the "right" answer. I'm working hard, making visible forward progress but still feel aimless in so many ways. I don't want the disordered ones to win so I will stay my course no matter what. God but what I wouldn't give for just a little break...and a footrub.
Nov 28 - 9PM
freaked
freaked's picture

Greengirl, this message will give you another perspective

i am feeling exactly that way. Like I failed in life. I failed in my career endeavours because nh made sure of it. before my marriage I was a happy, bubby, humour loving, successful person. ALL IN MUD NOW. It is very hard to accept my life the way it is now. LOST EVERYTHING. Especially all my personal savings, jewelry, friends, relatives,... NOTHING IS REMAINING NOW. and what is even more horrifying is the LIMBO i have been cornered into. IF i apply for a divorce, nh will gladly give it because then he gets the absolute RIGHT to be rid of me without a penny. IF he files, then he is obliged under Law to pay me a settlement. I am being kept in the marriage as a servant without a salary. Greengirl, if you are getting the divorce from your n, then, as your well wisher I urge you to accept it as a gift from God. There is no future with an n. for me to be able to leave, i have to wait till my child gets a job and can support us both. until then, i am getting tortured and harassed by nh more than what any words can describe. It is like I am being kept as a prisoner in a cellar. to think that in the first year of marriage i was treated like a princess. IF only the mask had fallen earlier when i was still young and strong..i would have left..i would have RUN
Nov 28 - 5PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

A failure?

A failure? Never.............. Did you fail to love? Did you fail as a parent? Did you fail as a human being? The only thing you "failed" at was keeping a disorder man contented. And from what I know, no one has truly succeeded at that. So, where did you fail? Get that thought out of your head immediately. It doesn't belong there. He put it there, you have the power to get rid of it, and only you. Don't let him win.
Nov 28 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I'm miss the little things

I'm miss the little things too.. It's the big things that are important now.. The big things far out weigh the rest.. To the future .. From bad will come good.. be patient . If it makes you feel any better I've been walking around all week taking to myself " fucking son of a bitch.. I hate him"" Hunter
Nov 28 - 3PM
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Please dont feel that way you

Please dont feel that way you arent a failure, the only person in this mess that is a failure is your soon to be X-Narc......he is a failure in every aspect of his life, but most assuredly he is a failure in knowing what real love is all about. This also was my second marriage that has now turned into a disaster. He was the love of my life also, the man I waited my whole life to find....and boy did I find a winner when I found him....a winner in the fine art of taking a kind loving woman, and turning her into a shell of her former self, destroying my self esteem and confidence in myself...but I refuse to give him anymore of my time and effort at trying to save a marriage that should have never happened in the first place. Hold your head up high, you did nothing wrong except to fall in love with the wrong man..one incapable of love.
Nov 28 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

You only would have failed

if you hung around trying and trying and trying.....you accomplished a lot by getting out. Funny watching netflicks was the one thing that kept popping in my mind, I loved having someone to watch movies with. Now I have the dog sit next to me and watch haaaa more loyal. You are out on your own, that's a BIG deal good for you.