Tightening their grip

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#1 Nov 23 - 1PM
justwantpeace
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Tightening their grip

Have you ever felt like the more you pull away the more they try to tighten their grip on you? I tried to be logical even though there is no logic with them. I want things to go email and no other forms of communication regarding child. the more i pushed for this, the more he said im dictating. he also said Im no his boss. He keeps changing his story. Tells me im difficult and why cant i just cooperate. feeling very frustrated.

Nov 23 - 4PM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

time to put my big girl

time to put my big girl panties on do what has to be done again.
Nov 23 - 4PM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

thanks

thanks for the replies. i just needed to hear some comforting words to remind me im doing the right thing. i think the holidays are bothering me to. this is the first year after our divorce and he married his ow. i have been doing so good and all of a sudden bam. i feel like having a crying spell. I dont know where it came from either. i like the nc. it really works for me. he doesnt like emailing. he pitches a huge fit at doing that. he likes the text messaging. i really think i am still scared of the what will he do if i dont do what he wants. today started with a huge mistake on my part. he had texted me that he didnt know what i wanted at times. i replied and said i dont want anything from him. well for some reason that set him off. he said i was being mean and ugly and there was no reason to say anything. now i just feel like crap. then we have therapy on monday with sons therapist. it will be just he and I this time. i really think therapist is picking up on him. he all of a sudden doesnt like this therapist and doesnt think therapy is helping. i hate the 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. thanks im going to check out that post.
Nov 23 - 4PM
Alive
Alive's picture

Jutwantpeace

exact same words as my ex narc. EXACTLY the same. Of course i felt terrible, guilty and the fear just got to overwhelming. Please read every word of Briseis post, AGAIN AND AGAIN. CONTROL and even more control. I have set boundaries now with ex narc and take what im getting, It's ok, i can deal with him now, i have accepted him for what HE is. ALL my reading, support from this forum and Breises poltley telling me to get MY POWER back has worked also i had a bit of a breakdown weeks ago. I have been off work, on medication and i am having therapy soon. Best thing that could of happened. We all try and be logical but to no avail. Email him arrangement times etc, he DOES NOT have to have contact with you. Block everything, advise the school of the situation, emergency numbers give to a trusted friend/relative so he can call in a emergency. In hindsight their will be a reason why he wants to be in CONTROL of the arrangements, im sure it will come out soon, mine did he wanted to change the whole custody arrangment, now i know why, everything to suit them and not the child, but hey i have my POWER back (just in time) Do you feel you are being hard on him? If so then don't,please, i have tried and tried every way possible to be reasonable and understanding, in the childs best intresest this is the only way to go forward with these errmmm oh yes fathers :) If you set boundaries that don't their manupulation win then you have 'won'.We need not win the battle but the war, although these battles are very exhausting ;))
Nov 23 - 3PM
Briseis
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Definitely. Anytime you

Definitely. Anytime you pull away, a Narc can sense it with his Narc spider man senses. Since Narcs MUST be in control, of everything, at all times -- you pulling away is reacted to with MORE attempts at control. The more I pulled away from my Narc (before I left him), the harder he tried to engage me. He went to incredible lengths to "maintain" his sense of control. And you are right, it makes NO logical sense. It is not logical, unless you understand what motivates the Narc. And what motivates them above all else is that they MUST stay in control (whatever that means to them). They must stay on top at all times, or they fear being victimized. They gladly victimize others because in their addled brain, this ensures they themselves will not be victimized. Are you trying to dictate? You bet your ass you are. And you SHOULD. What commandment on Moses' tablet said only HE could dictate? You can dictate too. Somehow I felt guilty when I attempted to control my own life around the Narc. They really get those brainwashing hooks in there deep. Of course you can dictate what you want. You want to communicate only in email? What can he do . . . really . . . if you refuse to communicate in any other way? Will he come to your door and shout and scream? Call the cops. Will he blow up your phone with texts and messages? Get another phone, hand out your number to everyone BUT him and keep his voice mails and texts to show the cops/lawyer WHY you are filing and injunction that you only communicate in email. You don't have to put up with this. That you think you don't have a choice is because you are still struggling with the Narc brainwashing. That you have no right, in yourself, to dictate YOUR immediate life. That you are a bad person for saying NO to him, a selfish bitch. Yeah . . . well there are worse things than being a selfish bitch. Cowering from him is one, and another is putting up with his bullshit. Much worse. Be difficult. Be very difficult. If that's what it looks like to him, then so be it. All you are doing is getting rid of a source of pain in your life. You don't exist to sponge up his rage. You have every right to not put up with it. I was very afraid of what my Narc would do if I did not just go along with him. I felt guilty and selfish when I resisted his idea of "cooperation". Narcs couldn't actually "cooperate" with a fireman if they were on FIRE. He's tightening his grip? You tighten yours. You DO have a grip, too. And rights. It's time to enforce them, give yourself permission :)