I met Wottaprick almost exactly 2 years ago, Sept. 11 2009. I`d been without a relationship for nearly 5 years, he was still living with his wife but they led separate lives (she confirmed this to me in writing, and wished me more luck with him than she had had).
2 weeks after I met him, he wrote me a love letter. I mailed him back that we hardly knew each other, but agreed to meet him.
We began dating on a regular basis. EVERYTHING everyone says about the idealisation phase was true. I was on cloud nine. I introduced him to people, saying he was my reward for good deeds. He DID say we were soulmates! He expressed the fear of my dying either before or after him, because he would then be without me. He wanted us to die at the exact same moment. He wanted to marry me.
On 23. Oct. we started a relationship (ie. we went to bed together). He used to take time off work to mend my kids bicycles. He phoned me every day and we talked for hours. Whatever we did together, it was always wonderful and the time was always too short.
Around Jan. 2010 we started to discuss finding a place where we could live together. He bought a house close to where I live and work (although it was an hour`s drive from where HE worked and his family lived, I tried to talk him out of this but he wouldn`t listen). He signed the contract at the start of May, we got the keys on May 15th.
For me, it was the first time in my life that I had ever got what I really wanted.
May 21st I had to go away for a weekend workshop with one of my choirs (I`m a professional musician). Wottapricks work takes him on a regular basis to places like Chile or Spain, where he often stays 2-3 weeks. I had always given him a wonderful send-off and re-entry, cancelled things to be there, nice meals, backrubs, getting my kids out of the way - you name it, I did it. The Friday I left, he spent the whole morning before I went in front of the computer, monosyllabic and mean. When I said I was going, he came hangdog to the door and said, like a little boy, "Don`t I even get a kiss?".
He had promised to take care of my children while I was gone, it was only Friday afternoon, since their big brothers were coming for the weekend on Saturday, and they are 12 and 14, but I had never left them alone overnight before. I rang as soon as I arrived to let them know that I`d arrived safely, but no-one answered. Wottapricks cellphone was switched off the whole weekend (which had never happened). By the time I returned home (Wottaprick wasn`t there, although I texted him when I was coming) my nerves were frazzled. Worry about the children had ruined my work weekend, too.
I didn`t attack or criticise him, I wasn`t even angry, but I was hurt and puzzled. I just asked him if he had switched his cell phone off deliberately.
It`s probably stupid to put this in here, but it`s how I feel. Ever since I was a child, I`ve had a really ambivalent attitude towards ladybirds. They´re pretty and cute, I`ve often had one on my hand, but when they decide they want to fly and that smooth shiny carapace suddenly splits down the middle to show those awful crumply, black disgusting wings, it ALWAYS makes me jump.
Wottapricks reaction to my asking if he`d switched his cell phone off deliberately made my soul "jump". He looked at me with a coldness I`d never seen in him OR IN ANYONE ELSE and said, "You can move into my house, because I don`t want to see you on the street, but we are not together any more".
I was so shocked, I don`t remember anything after that. And for three days I lay on the sofa amid all my packed belongings drinking, having cancelled all my appointments and work commitments and trying to summon up enough energy to cut my wrists. And every so often Wottaprick sent me mails like, "I`d like to paint the bedroom green, what do you think?" as if nothing had happened, which TOTALLY disoriented me.
Well he apologized, kind of. And we moved, kind of. A week after we moved, we went on holiday, a holiday I`d won (I`d never won anything before, either) to a vignard in Tuscany owned by friends of his. The vignard was 19 kilometers away from the next town. I`ll draw a veil over the holiday. Based on what I`ve since learned about narcissists, my guess is he went into narcissistic depression due to only having a Secondary source (me) to draw from. We were there with his car, and I made the mistake of giving the money I`d saved for the holiday (I`d been saving for six months) to him to take care of (he weighs 100 kilos, I weigh 50 when I`m happy and by then I wasnt happy) because I was afraid of being mugged. Suffice it to say, we didn`t go anywhere, we didn`t do anything, we didn`t eat out once in 2 weeks and I walked 19 kilometers at midday (40 degrees in the shade) just to get away from him. We broke off the holiday four days earlier, because I just couldn`t stand it anymore.
Very shortly after we returned, he started blaming me for the fact he had to drive such a distance to see his family or go to work. He began to talk about getting a flat close to where he had previously lived and only coming "home" at weekends. He stopped taking me anywhere or doing anything with me. Every time I did something "wrong", he threatened to sell the house, move out or both. I tried to take the pressure off him by doing all the work on the house myself. I laid tiles, installed a bath, laid new water pipes, tore down walls - every dream he had about the house, I tried to fulfill. He never praised or even seemed to notice, increasingly I got to hear remarks (at HAPPY, HARMONIOUS TIMES!) like, "When you`ve finished installing the bath, I´m going to send you to a beautician" or "too bad I can`t take you with me as my secretary when I move to F.".
After a particularly nasty episode where he just dumped me at 2am 200 km from home, we entered therapy together.
I broke off the therapy after three sessions, after he told the (female) therapist that he had threatened to break my violin because he was trying to calm me down, as I was hysterical, and she BELIEVED him.
I broke off the therapy because, after I had made myself very VERY vulnerable and admitted that I have abandonment issues (which he cruelly exploited)she said, "Tigerlily, you have to leave the past behind you and recognize that you have the chance of a better future with Wottaprick".
In short, she was as captivated by him as I had been, was doing me damage, and was costing me money. So I blew the whistle and refused to participate.
At this point I would like to interject that I have a reason for calling myself "Tigerlily". I am, to my misfortune, so empathic that I`m only just learning to distinguish between other people`s feelings and my own. But I am a fighter, too. My response to being dumped by "wottaprick" and having to spend nearly 200$ getting home, for exaple, was to knee him in the balls the minute he opened the door. All of which just served to convince him I was unstable, unbalanced and aggressive. I still loved him like crazy. I couldn`t understand what had happened. I struggled and struggled to find the magic formula which would make him be the same way again as he was when I met him. And I also blamed me.
In April 2011 I moved out. I was a nervous wreck. I hardly ever saw him any more, and he would just start yelling whenever he saw me coming.
I got "hoovered" a total of five times in between then and now. Each time he said he loved me, and wanted a "new start". Each time he dropped me again like a hot potato because of something I said, did or was (particularly successful or loved by others, he always punished me for that).
Nearly a month ago, I gave him until Sept. 12 to make his mind up whether he wanted a relationship or not. He mailed back that he didn`t need a month to decide, he was ending it now. I mailed that he was getting a month to decide whether he needed it or not (he changes his mind every 5 minutes). In the meantime, I "discovered" narcissism and things began to make sense which hadn`t made sense before. I mailed him some of my findings, thinking if he could recognize himself, then he probably wasn`t a narcissit. He didn`t answer.
4 days ago I sent him the following mail.
I`d like to make it plain that I insisted on a month`s grace because it served MY interests. A month was the longest period necessary for ME to come to a decision regarding this farce of a relationship I have suffered under with you. But actually I don`t need a month. I already know that I never want to see you or hear from you again. I have burned your letters, erased your mails and your mail address and buried everything else.
Since I started researching narcissism, so much is clear. I now know that your disgusting behaviour in K. was due to the fact that you just couldn`t stand it that J. loved my paino-playing so much.
I cannot wish you all the best for the future, any more than I could a vampire, because your well-being depends on the suffering of others. The best I can wish you is that it may some day dawn on you how little you have in common with "normal" human beings".
I got an answer IMMEDIATELY, and that`s the main reason I`m posting this. I`d love some interpretations of his "Narcspeak".
I think your hypothesis about narcissism is wrong. You had gifts and love and time from me, I don`t think a narcissist would do that. But if it helps you to separate from me, I`m quite willing to support your theories.
We both need to accept that our relationship has come to an end and that we would both prefer no further contact. So, to put it clearly, up until now I have erased your mails AFTER reading them. From now on, I will erase them BEFORE reading them. Agreed?
All the best.
It took me a couple of hours to find my way back to the person I was when I mailed him after reading this, and I can`t figure out why. I was all disturbed, confused and crazy again. And this is how he always did it, so I need to be able to see through it, otherwise I might end up hooked again.
Incidentally, I sent his mail back to him pasted to an old "Daemon Mail Failure Service", having changed all the relative data, which made me feel somewhat better!
Thanking anyone who reads this, and hopeful that someone will give me an interpretation.