Tigerlily`s Story

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#1 Sep 9 - 2AM
Tigerlily's picture

Tigerlily`s Story

I met Wottaprick almost exactly 2 years ago, Sept. 11 2009. I`d been without a relationship for nearly 5 years, he was still living with his wife but they led separate lives (she confirmed this to me in writing, and wished me more luck with him than she had had).
2 weeks after I met him, he wrote me a love letter. I mailed him back that we hardly knew each other, but agreed to meet him.
We began dating on a regular basis. EVERYTHING everyone says about the idealisation phase was true. I was on cloud nine. I introduced him to people, saying he was my reward for good deeds. He DID say we were soulmates! He expressed the fear of my dying either before or after him, because he would then be without me. He wanted us to die at the exact same moment. He wanted to marry me.
On 23. Oct. we started a relationship (ie. we went to bed together). He used to take time off work to mend my kids bicycles. He phoned me every day and we talked for hours. Whatever we did together, it was always wonderful and the time was always too short.
Around Jan. 2010 we started to discuss finding a place where we could live together. He bought a house close to where I live and work (although it was an hour`s drive from where HE worked and his family lived, I tried to talk him out of this but he wouldn`t listen). He signed the contract at the start of May, we got the keys on May 15th.
For me, it was the first time in my life that I had ever got what I really wanted.
May 21st I had to go away for a weekend workshop with one of my choirs (I`m a professional musician). Wottapricks work takes him on a regular basis to places like Chile or Spain, where he often stays 2-3 weeks. I had always given him a wonderful send-off and re-entry, cancelled things to be there, nice meals, backrubs, getting my kids out of the way - you name it, I did it. The Friday I left, he spent the whole morning before I went in front of the computer, monosyllabic and mean. When I said I was going, he came hangdog to the door and said, like a little boy, "Don`t I even get a kiss?".
He had promised to take care of my children while I was gone, it was only Friday afternoon, since their big brothers were coming for the weekend on Saturday, and they are 12 and 14, but I had never left them alone overnight before. I rang as soon as I arrived to let them know that I`d arrived safely, but no-one answered. Wottapricks cellphone was switched off the whole weekend (which had never happened). By the time I returned home (Wottaprick wasn`t there, although I texted him when I was coming) my nerves were frazzled. Worry about the children had ruined my work weekend, too.
I didn`t attack or criticise him, I wasn`t even angry, but I was hurt and puzzled. I just asked him if he had switched his cell phone off deliberately.
It`s probably stupid to put this in here, but it`s how I feel. Ever since I was a child, I`ve had a really ambivalent attitude towards ladybirds. They´re pretty and cute, I`ve often had one on my hand, but when they decide they want to fly and that smooth shiny carapace suddenly splits down the middle to show those awful crumply, black disgusting wings, it ALWAYS makes me jump.
Wottapricks reaction to my asking if he`d switched his cell phone off deliberately made my soul "jump". He looked at me with a coldness I`d never seen in him OR IN ANYONE ELSE and said, "You can move into my house, because I don`t want to see you on the street, but we are not together any more".
I was so shocked, I don`t remember anything after that. And for three days I lay on the sofa amid all my packed belongings drinking, having cancelled all my appointments and work commitments and trying to summon up enough energy to cut my wrists. And every so often Wottaprick sent me mails like, "I`d like to paint the bedroom green, what do you think?" as if nothing had happened, which TOTALLY disoriented me.
Well he apologized, kind of. And we moved, kind of. A week after we moved, we went on holiday, a holiday I`d won (I`d never won anything before, either) to a vignard in Tuscany owned by friends of his. The vignard was 19 kilometers away from the next town. I`ll draw a veil over the holiday. Based on what I`ve since learned about narcissists, my guess is he went into narcissistic depression due to only having a Secondary source (me) to draw from. We were there with his car, and I made the mistake of giving the money I`d saved for the holiday (I`d been saving for six months) to him to take care of (he weighs 100 kilos, I weigh 50 when I`m happy and by then I wasnt happy) because I was afraid of being mugged. Suffice it to say, we didn`t go anywhere, we didn`t do anything, we didn`t eat out once in 2 weeks and I walked 19 kilometers at midday (40 degrees in the shade) just to get away from him. We broke off the holiday four days earlier, because I just couldn`t stand it anymore.
Very shortly after we returned, he started blaming me for the fact he had to drive such a distance to see his family or go to work. He began to talk about getting a flat close to where he had previously lived and only coming "home" at weekends. He stopped taking me anywhere or doing anything with me. Every time I did something "wrong", he threatened to sell the house, move out or both. I tried to take the pressure off him by doing all the work on the house myself. I laid tiles, installed a bath, laid new water pipes, tore down walls - every dream he had about the house, I tried to fulfill. He never praised or even seemed to notice, increasingly I got to hear remarks (at HAPPY, HARMONIOUS TIMES!) like, "When you`ve finished installing the bath, I´m going to send you to a beautician" or "too bad I can`t take you with me as my secretary when I move to F.".
After a particularly nasty episode where he just dumped me at 2am 200 km from home, we entered therapy together.
I broke off the therapy after three sessions, after he told the (female) therapist that he had threatened to break my violin because he was trying to calm me down, as I was hysterical, and she BELIEVED him.
I broke off the therapy because, after I had made myself very VERY vulnerable and admitted that I have abandonment issues (which he cruelly exploited)she said, "Tigerlily, you have to leave the past behind you and recognize that you have the chance of a better future with Wottaprick".
In short, she was as captivated by him as I had been, was doing me damage, and was costing me money. So I blew the whistle and refused to participate.
At this point I would like to interject that I have a reason for calling myself "Tigerlily". I am, to my misfortune, so empathic that I`m only just learning to distinguish between other people`s feelings and my own. But I am a fighter, too. My response to being dumped by "wottaprick" and having to spend nearly 200$ getting home, for exaple, was to knee him in the balls the minute he opened the door. All of which just served to convince him I was unstable, unbalanced and aggressive. I still loved him like crazy. I couldn`t understand what had happened. I struggled and struggled to find the magic formula which would make him be the same way again as he was when I met him. And I also blamed me.
In April 2011 I moved out. I was a nervous wreck. I hardly ever saw him any more, and he would just start yelling whenever he saw me coming.
I got "hoovered" a total of five times in between then and now. Each time he said he loved me, and wanted a "new start". Each time he dropped me again like a hot potato because of something I said, did or was (particularly successful or loved by others, he always punished me for that).
Nearly a month ago, I gave him until Sept. 12 to make his mind up whether he wanted a relationship or not. He mailed back that he didn`t need a month to decide, he was ending it now. I mailed that he was getting a month to decide whether he needed it or not (he changes his mind every 5 minutes). In the meantime, I "discovered" narcissism and things began to make sense which hadn`t made sense before. I mailed him some of my findings, thinking if he could recognize himself, then he probably wasn`t a narcissit. He didn`t answer.
4 days ago I sent him the following mail.
"Hi Wottaprick,
I`d like to make it plain that I insisted on a month`s grace because it served MY interests. A month was the longest period necessary for ME to come to a decision regarding this farce of a relationship I have suffered under with you. But actually I don`t need a month. I already know that I never want to see you or hear from you again. I have burned your letters, erased your mails and your mail address and buried everything else.
Since I started researching narcissism, so much is clear. I now know that your disgusting behaviour in K. was due to the fact that you just couldn`t stand it that J. loved my paino-playing so much.
I cannot wish you all the best for the future, any more than I could a vampire, because your well-being depends on the suffering of others. The best I can wish you is that it may some day dawn on you how little you have in common with "normal" human beings".
I got an answer IMMEDIATELY, and that`s the main reason I`m posting this. I`d love some interpretations of his "Narcspeak".

"Dear Tigerlily,
I think your hypothesis about narcissism is wrong. You had gifts and love and time from me, I don`t think a narcissist would do that. But if it helps you to separate from me, I`m quite willing to support your theories.
We both need to accept that our relationship has come to an end and that we would both prefer no further contact. So, to put it clearly, up until now I have erased your mails AFTER reading them. From now on, I will erase them BEFORE reading them. Agreed?
All the best.

It took me a couple of hours to find my way back to the person I was when I mailed him after reading this, and I can`t figure out why. I was all disturbed, confused and crazy again. And this is how he always did it, so I need to be able to see through it, otherwise I might end up hooked again.

Incidentally, I sent his mail back to him pasted to an old "Daemon Mail Failure Service", having changed all the relative data, which made me feel somewhat better!

Thanking anyone who reads this, and hopeful that someone will give me an interpretation.


Sep 10 - 5PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

You pretty much got it all

You pretty much got it all figured out. The post traumatic stress is real. He got in figuring what you wanted, you needs, and mirrored and got you hooked in. Its all the same, its bullshit from a liar cheat and thief. Just know that at the moment he has a place in your head. Its a form of possession. Learning reading and posting facilitate the exorcism that will occur as he is burned away like a charred piece of excrement (sorry, I woke up kinda vivid today). Eventually the only thing left will be dust that will be blown away by the cool mellow breeze of liberation. You will be clear and whole again, even better than before! I like to be validated, and assume most others do as well. So heres yours... he is a narc of the intelligent type. He can put words together, and can project more colors and hues than a less gifted version. But the fabric is the same, and the mask just as obvious once dropped. He has gone back to the circus to re-apply the assclown make-up, and is trolling right now for new, old, and in-between supply. Its his function and purpose. More blood, more attention and supply. His intention in the email was to be in control, and to infuriate you at the same time. We know that their control requires our submission, that is the get out of jail card. He hoped you would be pissed, that gives them something, and for them getting something is critical. That is why No Contact is so brilliant and effective. It protects us and sends them on a new hunt for replacement supply. Win/win. Perfect. I always try to mention that with a mouthy narc youmust remember that NO RESPONSE is just as critical. If they contact: ignore, don't answer, don't call back, don't reply, don't blow the smoke signals back. Bite the tongue, restrain the pen, and move on with your free new life. Screw his gifts, love, and time! Narcissistic Personality Dosorder isn't a hypothesis, just ask anyone here. We all lived with it, of course to varying degrees and subject to different levels of pathology. Appearing to be loving and kind through acts of love, gifts and giving time are exactly the tools that a narc used to hook the supply, unless they think some other method will work better in a particular situation depending on their needs and the intensity of their desire. Him wanting you to have help separating from him is crap...he will always consider you when he needs something, unless something else is easier. As for his willingness to support your theories, assumes you need his approval. He would love it if you stayed hooked. I don't think you need his permission to think a certain way anymore, do you? The last paragraph was hysterically narcy....kinda said we don't need to communicate anymore!!!! do we? Its not a matter of what you or he "prefers", its a matter of "doing" no contact and no response! The power is yours, use it wisely! Be resolute in your conviction, and always run it up the flagpole here online, before any communication with him. ds
Sep 10 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
Tigerlily's picture

Thanx for answering!

Yes, I felt that too, that he`d love it if I stayed hooked. Towards the end of my time with him, he used to accuse me of being so focussed on him that I wasn`t really there. But by that time I`d been disengaging with him and re-engaging with myself for a long time. I was much more "There" than he was. HE was so focussed on him that he wasn`t really there. Assuming I`ll go on mailing him (which he does) even when I say I want no further contact is also abusive, I find! Thankyou for support. Assuming I`ll
Sep 10 - 3PM
brinamarie's picture

typical narcspeak

His response is so condescending and gives you the impression that this was a MUTUAL decision to go no contact. That's the most aggravating thing about them. Like hello!!! You made my life hell, now you're telling ME you don't want to hear from ME anymore?! No i don't want to hear from YOU! You could go back & forth until youre blue in the face. THey are so out of touch with reality, they feed off of what you say. If you said I miss you & love you and need you back.. He would say the same thing, or entertain it. If you say you're a disgusting excuse for a human being.. He will tell you how vile you are. THey are mirroring robots. DOn't give in and don't doubt yourself!!!! Honestly did you expect to hear "you're right - I'm sorry for how I treated you.. I deserve better". Come on, you are so lucky to have been honored to be given the time of day by him!!! ;) ugh, so arrogant & disgusting! Stay strong love.
Sep 10 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Tigerlily's picture

Thanx for answering!

Actually, i didn`t expect anything, I just sent that mail because it was good for ME and gave ME closure! It was the right moment for ME to go "ME, ME, ME"and I did (I never had before). But it seems as if his mail is really saying, "Mail me again, so I can erase it before I read it. Mail me, mail me, mail me" although his words say the exact opposite. Is this cognitive dissonance? Love Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 11AM
Tigerlily's picture

Thankyou spinning!

Thanks spinning (and I`m glad you`re not any more). I don`t know quite how you figured I`m sweet, because what he brought out in me was anything but sweet, but I`m much-loved by almost everyone else, so thanx for reading between the lines. What most disturbs me about his narcspeak is that right after saying we BOTH want no more contact, he says he`ll erase my mails before reading them. And "Agreed?" is a question demanding an answer. As if he were trying to hypnotise me into mailing him. But also "If it helps you to separate from me, I`m willing to support your theories" makes me feel pretty ill, and I don`t know why. I need to know why, so I`ll be armed in the future, and not just armed against him, either. Is this gaslighting? I quoted his mail to my foster-daughter, she reacted with disgust but like me, was unable to analyze why. I feel it`s manipulative on a lot of levels simultaneously, but my mind goes foggy when I try and analyze it because it is so alien, so different to the way I communicate. Where can I find your story, Spinning? Love, Tigerlily
Sep 10 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Caligirl's picture

Tigerlily, that statement by n is so offensive on all fronts

and yet so subtle. It is disrespectful, condescending and arrogant, but the subtlety of it is how these N's work. First, I'm sorry you've been narced. I too am a fighter and probably gave my N the fight of his life. He was probably like a fisherman who went out to catch trout, but then realized he hooked a barracuda, lol. Welcome, and I'm glad you found your way to this site. Ok, as for: "If it helps you to separate from me, I'm willing to support your theories." Narcspeak for sure, but not gaslighting really. First off, in addition to all of the above, it is passive-agressive. It sounds nice, like "I'm willing to support your theories, if..." But you see it is also conditional, and in the worst way, "If it helps you to separate... (translation in narcspeak: if it will get you the hell away from me, the King, the perfect one who never does any wrong, I MAY do the worse thing imaginable to me and entertain your THEORY, and keep in mind, it is only a theory bc of course I would NEVER VALIDATE YOU and say you COULD be RIGHT, especially if I didn't blackmail you first with a tradeoff that benefits me like getting rid of you.") Sorry, I know. Honestly, if he is anything like mine, he wouldn't read it anyway. I once sent mine links on emotional abuse and silent treatment, and he didn't read them or tell me he did. My exN was very much subtle at times in this way, but other times he was overt with name calling, saying I was an idiot, to which I called him an ignorant redneck. Yep, a fighter. Rest assured, the longer we are away from it, the better we become. Hugs! xx
Sep 9 - 5AM
Hunter's picture


Same guy different body. Welcome to Narcville! NC and knowledge is power! Hunter
Sep 9 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Tigerlily's picture

Your message

Thanks Hunter. Thanks for welcoming me, too. Do you have any feedback on the Narcspeak? Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
spinning's picture

Tiger, what a sweet person

you are! And resillient, too. I am so sorry this happened to you but I am glad you know what you are dealing with. As for the Narcspeak, Hunter is right...this is part of their MO. However, his short little snippet to you is meant to rob you of any control over the demise of the relationship. It is, after all, ALL ABOUT HIM! He says he'll delete your mail before reading it...It is his attempt to wrestle control over ending the relationship. They always, always, always have to have the last word. Always. Good for him! Let him! Let SILENCE be your last word!!! NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT! It speaks volumes! I am so glad you shared your story and encourage you to read all the blogs here, work the steps and continue to 'get it out.' Knowledge truly is power and you will find much information and support here. Hugs to you, dear tigerlilly. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. THE SICK FREAK TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!


Sep 9 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Hunter's picture


Hun, they all say and do the exact same thing. You found a narc and now you need to recover from the emotional abuse you have suffered. The best way to start, you must read everything you can get your hands on, a therapist is very important and NC is key. Stay here with us and we will help you. This is not an easy journey but you can move forward if you do the work. Idealize, devalue, discard. That is how they operate. Hunter
Sep 11 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
howard's picture

Right on target

Hunter said it all in three words. Idealize, devalue, discard. That is the NPD. It couldn't be more concise. From everything I've read this is what it boils down to on every level. And all three categories are very abrupt which typically "stuns" the recipient. It's not normal. The over the top idealization is what pulls people in because it is unusual. Strip that away and it's nothing. It's not real. Hang in there and ensure you are surrounded by healthy people. There are so many good people out there and you will find them. You will do it! J