For those of you that have stayed NC when N contacted you...

Hi PF, I have been N/C for coming on 7 months now and as my son pointed out, the fact that he is in jail helps. I cannot say how I would do if I did not have the "cushion" of jail to protect me. He is due to get out anytime now, depending on his good time. He could get out from now until Feb sometime. I will use all the tools I have learned on here to avoid him at all cost cuz this one was a physical abuser (none of the others had that component). Meanwhile back at the ranch since he left, my two previous X's both decided to make their moves on me in my vulnerable state. I did o.k. with the XXX, however the XX was making headway when I was like: what the f--- am I doing? Letting this guy back in (conversation wise) when I am recoverying from the X. He calls again after weeks of his mind games on the phone and skype (he was in Iraq, now he is back) the day after Thanksgiving. I at long last said: who is this? which I'm sure pissed him off. Then I said: I cannot talk with you anymore, you treat me like human garbage and you are not good for Goldie. I have no more time for your mind games, CLICK. Some people would say to just hang up if you hear their voice which is what I will do next time, however, with this one, I'm not involved with him anymore so I had no fear of getting back with him if I told him to piss off. Next time he calls I'll just go click cuz he calls on a private line so I cannot see his number. This is it, there will be no more conversation. Cuz, thanks to this site (the steps) and other growing I have done, I FINALLY GET that conversations with these people are to no avail. It's like being on the merry go round, it just goes round and round and round and there is never any real understanding or change which takes place. Same shit different day. The XX, I've known for over 5 years now and he just does not get it and never will. This realization helps me a lot. When I think of the Narc, I think empty words, mindless bullshit, lies, games, manipulation, cheating, ect..... and the desire from me to try to explain, to try to fix it, to try to change it ect.... is gone. That for me has been my big aha moment with all of this, that talking to the Narc is a complete waste of my emotion, energy, and time. They rarely ever "come clean" and if they do, it's just to throw you a bone to keep you off the real track with an alledged honesty which barely scratches the surface as to what they are really up to. I think the key here lies within our thinking. Once we realize that talking it out and trying to get them to tell the truth is an endless pitt of despair, then it becomes easier to let it go and stop the talking which in my case, is what has always sucked me back in. Listening to his words is what sucks me back in, so if I don't listen to his words there is no reconciliation. Sounds simple yet in practice it takes time and growth to get to this point. I spent many years with many different guys trying to talk it out and looking back on it now it was a futile exercise in emotional surgery which most assuredly hurt me far more than it ever hurt them and for now, today: it is all about me and what I need to do to recover. Their needs, thoughts, desires, are just not that important to me anymore. This is about survival, my X taught me that. For months it was all about his survival, and today it is about mine. He can fend for himself and that is as it should be. It is not my responsibility to caretake for a grown man. He is not my son. I have one of those already, thank you. You want my love, then you damn well better be loving me back or else, get out and leave me alone. God bless, Goldie

This post really hit home with me as since mine assaulted me physically (for no apparent reason), I have had numerous forms of contact and ignored ALL. For my own safety, but if I hadn't found out WHO I was dealing with I may have succumbed. After the night he attacked me I was very shaken up, physically and emotionally. I couldn't get my head around why he'd done what he'd done and while he was still locked up over the incident I went to his mum and dads to return his keys. They were both so full of compassion when they saw the state on me, his mum hugged me and cried with me and kept saying 'what the hell is wrong with him, you are the best thing that has ever happened to him'. I had a barbeque and full set of patio furniture at his that I'd taken round to his house the previous week, as we'd thrown a party for his dad's 70th birthday. His dad thanked me profusely after, saying it was the best party he'd ever had. Sorry, I've digressed a bit, but they promised to fetch my furniture round the next day. (I've never seen it since). Five days after the attack I got my first text message from him...it just said 'sorry. I still love you xxx'. Yep, that was IT. I couldn't f*cking believe it, no explanations, how are yous?I ignored it, I was seething and didn't quite know what to make of it, but I'd discovered my very first site on APD and was slowly becoming AWARE. A few days later I got a much longer text. It was ALL ABOUT HIM, how he didnt want to go to prison, he didn't mean to do it, thought I was a burglar (that was the icing on the cake), he loved me, I was the best thing that had ever happened to him BLAH BLAH BLAH. Again, not once did he ask how 'I' was. I ignored again. Then a week later he was waiting in his car for me at the woods where I walk my dogs (this was the first sign that he was back with his psycho ex as she's passed me in the car on the way there and that was the only way he could have known, I was on red alert at this point). I was shaking like a leaf, I got the dogs back in the car as quick as I could and fled. The following day was the first time I reported anything to the police. They wanted to go arrest him for breaching bail conditions, but I begged em not too as by this time after reading all the info on APD I was terrified. They respected my wishes and told me to report any further incident. Things quietened down for a couple of weeks, then he rang me. I let it go to answer machine and he left a message. His voice was shaky and he got himself muddled a few times, but in essence it was about returning my garden furniture and ended with a declaration of loving me forever (creep). I reported this to the police straight away and while an officer was at my house taking a statement later that day, he texted me. It said if I didnt let him know about the furniture he'd get rid of it! I must have been frustrating the hell out of him by now YAY. Again, I pressed for no arrest as I felt safer that way and they agreed. Following day I received a set of photographs in the post. He'd taken them on one of our first trips away together but then lost the camera, he must have found it, had em developed and thought they could be his winning ticket. I cried when I looked at em. He'd written on the inside cover that he couldnt bare to look at em as he'd cry so hard so wanted me to have em and he loved me forever (retch). This time when I reported, the police had had enough and went and arrested him anyway. For a week or so after I was in Paranoid City, just praying for the trial date to arrive and get it over with. I had no further contact until 2 days before the hearing. He followed me in his van and was shouting at me to pull over. He was rearrested over this too and went to the trial via the prison cells. That was all a month or so ago now. I've had no further contact, unless you include the OW verbally abusing my daughter at her place of work last saturday evening? I wonder all the time if I hadn't found out about his disorder if I'd have gone back. That frightens me so much more. Once we KNOW what these guys are we have to be strong and keep to our convictions, not just for our own safety but our SANITY! Ermmm sorry, I went on a bit there. I hope I got a point across though? xx

You are a huge inspiration to me!!! Way to have a plan!!!! It's verv very smart!!!

GOOD ON YOU for 21 days NC. I am approaching 5 months. He too is blocked form e-mail and phone. He sent e-mails through new address and most recently e-maill by proxy. I have received cards and letters in mail. Don't do what I did and read them. Just destroy. The anger it creates is enough. What do I do when I want to respond? I get on here and read ,read, read.

If his kids call, wish them a wonderful Thanksgving & that's it. If they ask about you just say "I'm fine." My xhn moved out a year ago tomorrow. I went NC (except for emails regarding custody matters)10 months ago. You can do it. My favorite thing is to hit "delete" when he texts or "reject" when he calls so it goes to voice mail. Do not waste your energy. Spend Turkey Day with family, friends, church---and be THANKFUL you are not with the NARC TURKEY.

I did not answer my phone or my door unless I knew who it was. If I didn't want to talk to them, I didn't answer. I imagine it will be bittersweet to hear from his kids. Ah, the price we pay :( . If you choose to pick up when they call, it will hurt some, but wish them a VERY happy Thanksgiving and a lot of extra happiness (they'll need it) and then you won't have to feel guilty about painting them with Daddy's brush. I was so sensitive, myself, that I'm sure I dissed people right and left who only meant well. It was just in so much pain. I am sorry about that. I was in extremis, and just could do no better than I did. Oh yeah, you asked for stories. I only got one letter, six months after I kicked him out (not including third party messages). It was my first direct contact with him. In fact, it's the only one I've had. The letter can't be thought of correctly without the context. An extremely overpriced cord of wood he and his drunk buddy cut that he'd promised me for free but I ended up paying for anyway. The letter came with the wood. It was an illogical rambling that contained both hoovers and threats and NEVER ONCE asked me how I was managing to survive the winter with five feet of snow on the ground, a farm full of animals, NO money, a well that kept on freezing and being a five foot tall city girl in a cabin on a mountain in North Idaho with NO friends or family anywhere in sight. The dog ate the letter. She chewed it up and ate most of it because I left it on the couch. I wrote him back a few letters but never sent them. Each one was a little different. One was thoughtful and compassionate, but firm. The other one was as vicious and cruel as I could possibly make it. I posted a third one on the support forum I was on at the time. I copied his letter, and rewrote what he REALLY meant in Narc Speak. And then I responded to his Narc speak. It got pretty funny. It was very cathartic :D esp with all the support from my forum buddies. That really was my first and only "contact" with him, unless you count the divorce trial where he was on speaker phone from prison. I didn't speak directly with him, and he did not hear my testimony (I heard his).

I do not know if this will help, but I did contact him and every time I did the letters to me got more and more hateful,slut,whore, offering free sex on the internet,etc. think of HIM a monster in your mind and don't give him the satisfaction, what freaks them out is to be IGNORED!!!!

he attempted contact through face book, my sis, and text the last 3 days, I did nothing remarkable, simply ignored him, think of the horrible way he has treated you, how he has poisoned you, devalued you, all that is wrong with an N-ship, you will want to throw the phone clean across the room when you see his number on caller id. stay~striving