For those who have ex's...imagine what life would be like if you were still together

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#1 Jun 1 - 4PM

Deidre40

For those who have ex's...imagine what life would be like if you were still together

Frightening, no? lol

I have had my ups and downs throughout this whole ordeal. First, as most of you know--I did the breaking up. I am proud of this fact. lol I showed him that I wasn't afraid of saying goodbye to something abusive--him. That said, even when you do the breaking up, you still feel discarded, sad...you still have to go through the healing process as if they were the ones to walk out.

I was doing really well with everything...because I stopped going onto that website. Then, he was banned. I thought--perfect. I started going back onto that website. And...it hit me, that the site just is a constant reminder of him. Of us. Of what was...and frankly, what NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

So, I'm done with it. I have to find the courage to just stay away from it for 21 days. This time, not SAY 21 days, and do 7. But really stay away from it for 21 days, and reassess how I feel about it when 21 days is up. Experts say that it takes 21 days to kick a habit...hoping they're right.

But, I got to thinking. What would it be like if I were STILL with him. It's been nearly two months now, since we broke up. Imagine being with him all this time. UGH. I can't! The thought is scary to me. I think he would have become absolutely beyond horrible to me. ESPECIALLY since I broke up with him, and he would have wanted to make my life hell. I remember we got back together after we broke up for 24 hours, and he couldn't be normal for that long.

So, I thought I'd post this. Imagine yourself back with your ex. When you're thinking of breaking NC. Or mulling around in your mind about him/her. Think back to how they TRULY WERE. Not the fan fare, and sweet nothings they whispered into your ear in the beginning. But, think about the horrible acts they did...the horrible things they said.

I also thought today of how he told me he loved me after THREE WEEKS. How he referred to me as 'wife' this and that. And I got this aching feeling in my stomach. He probably has said I love you to countless women...not just those he married...after a few weeks. For he knows not what love truly is.

But, think about that ladies and gents. If you were back with your ex's...what would that look like? I guarantee...it would look grim. Be thankful you're out of the chaos, pain, and turmoil these people bring with them.

Thanks for listening, and being here for me. {{hugs}}

#2 Jun 5 - 3PM

Deidre40

lobo

what a funny dream, in a way, no? lol I commend you for breaking it off. And for those here who were broken off with, I commend you for staying NC...whether you break it off yourself or not. They twist it all around as though they did the breaking off. What-the-fuck-ever! lol I know the truth. We all know the truth. I just regret, letting him into my life. Believing he could be different with me. He was mean to people. I saw it. I heard the stories of his marital past, and yet still agreed to date him. I found a smug comment he made to someone about me today on the website. OLD OLD COMMENT. He said...''I knew I'd get her.'' With a weird smiley face. So...that is really the only thing that still sticks in my throat, and can bring me to tears--STILL. The fact that I knew he was a jerk, and yet I still invited him into my life. Ugh. Never again, will I ignore my gut. But, had I not invited him in...I might still be attracting narcs. This painful experience caused me to take an inventory of my own life. He has been the third narc in my lifetime that I've gotten serious with, and I had to look into why. Dealing with all the pain this has brought about, led me to dealing with the demons of my childhood, and finally grieving over them. So, guess it wasn't all for nought. Here's to healing, ladies and gents!

#3 Jun 5 - 9AM

itsallgood

Without a doubt, I would be

Without a doubt, I would be extremely ill if not dead.

#4 Jun 5 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

Deidre40

Isn't that so sad, when we

Isn't that so sad, when we think about where we'd be? I think it helps to think about it, so some of us stop missing these people. I did pray for him today at church. I wish him no harm. I just wish that he'd give his life to God. With God, anyone can change. But, he has to want to change, too. I don't think narcs see anything at all wrong with how they treat people, as they view everyone else as being the problem. lol I remembered the dream a little bit ago! He was visiting, I ended up pregnant...and he asked me to get an abortion. I remember telling him no, and him threatening me that he'd leave me. Then, I woke up. Yeah...definitely my subconscious at work there, telling me I did the RIGHT thing by ending things.

#5 Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #31)

Susan32

I dreamt a dream

What's weird is I recently had a dream about the ex-Psych prof and I. We were sitting side by side, arguing philosophy. He couldn't stand that I was RIGHT... I defended myself... and he stomped off in a huff. How different from a dozen years ago when I had romantic dreams about him. I still pray for the ex-P too, that he finds God. Only God is capable of such healing. Saul was a major Narc, persecuting Christians&enjoying it, sadistically relishing the execution of Stephen... but then he took the road to Damascus. Only God can do what I cannot. Let go and let God.

#6 Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #32)

Deidre40

yes, susan...so true!! I pray

yes, susan...so true!! I pray our narcs have a road to damascus type of experience. It's never too late to find God. Unfortunately, when bringing God up to the exn...he would be silent. Not say much. Then, he'd change the topic. Because he was god in his own life. Hope you're having a nice day, girlie. {{hugs}}

#7 Jun 5 - 8AM

Deidre40

I had a dream about the narc

I had a dream about the narc last night. ha. I hadn't dreamnt about him really ever. But, it was horrible. We were dating, and I can't recall the details now, but I woke up in the middle of the night, scared. I remember that. And then I realized...dee, you're not with him, anymore. WOW. There isn't one day that goes by, that I have ever ever said, I made a mistake breaking up with him. I have never wanted him back. I have sometimes missed him, but never ever thought I made a mistake by breaking it off. Just sharing!

#8 Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

Lobo555

I had a dream about narc last night, too!

Was there something in the air? Dreamed he was sucking up, and I said, "Damn, stop hoovering me!" He asked, "What's hoovering?" I said, "You're trying to suck me back in, but it won't work." Then I walked away. Like you, I've never regretted breaking it off. It was the best thing I could have done.

#9 Jun 3 - 9AM

Happy1

D40

My narc would hate me even more now for my strength and knowing exactly what he is all about. He wouldn't like me and I wouldn't be with him. If we had gotten back together in the past 6 months I know it wouldn't have lasted more than a day. I truly wonder constantly what it is that I miss about this man. I don't know. I really don't know. He's evil. If I had remained with him, I'm afraid I would have taken my life. I felt that hopeless that I would never be able to leave my addiction. Now I know we all the strength to do it, but it's up to us and no one else. We have to do it all on our own w/ support of course. It's the hardest thing I'v ever done.

#10 Jun 3 - 8AM

Littleone

Thankyou for this! Let's see

Thankyou for this! Let's see what would my life be like if I was still with the narc- I would be stuck at home all day everyday with no petrol in my car or working car lights. No money because he took it all away. I'd be unable to buy any food for the baby or clothes for him. Certainly nothing for myself, id still be wearing my pregnancy clothes despite my son being 11 months old. Btw my N earnt a good wage.. I would no time to myself EVER and my son would still be repressed and not developing. Right, thanks for the cold water on my face, that woke me up. I'm done with this moping, I can't believe I missed him??!!!!!

#11 Jun 3 - 8AM (Reply to #25)

Deidre40

littleone

gosh, something about wearing maternity clothes still, and your child being nearly a year old...that really got to me. :=( and then he'd probably turn around and say...''why do you always look so dumpy?'' they're something. {{hugs}} and here's to better todays and tomorrows!!

#12 Jun 3 - 8AM (Reply to #22)

spinning

Little one!! Good work!!!

I know you are having a hard time but this is a HUGE STEP toward the path to healing. You know you are so much better off without him but don't 'feel' that yet. Trust me, you WILL!!! I wanted to reply to your 'I'm a shell' post but figure I'll put it here. What I did early on when I had CD so bad and was in such a fog and felt like a zombie was make lists. I made a list of the GOOD he so-called brought to my life and the BAD. Let me tell you, without much effort at all, the good list had four things on it. The BAD list was two pages long. My pen began flying over the paper. I wrote the TRUTH of it all and it was eye-opening to see in black and white! As you say, it was 'cold water on my face' and it did indeed help to wake me up. I kept those lists handy and re-read often. Little One, I am seven months NC and I am here to tell you that it does get better! It actually gets great. Once you turn the corner and focus on you and what you need to be whole again, great gifts come into your life. Think positive thoughts. Pray. Meditate. Recite affirmations. Whatever it is that will help you connect with your spirit, your higher self. Also, be kind to yourself. Know that you are a good, kind, loving, caring, intelligent person who was totally duped by a disordered 'individual.' This isn't a good thing so you're allowed to feel bad about it. But tell yourself that it happened. It is what it is and now it's history. You must concern yourself with the HERE AND NOW, not what happened in narc-ville-fantasy-hell-land. It was hell, wasn't it? Now you're out. HE WILL NEVER HAVE YOUR GLORIOUS SELF AGAIN! HIS LOSS, NOT YOURS!!! Little one, now is the time to shift the focus onto YOU and your baby and all the gifts you have in your life to be grateful for...not the least of which is that you will not longer be abused, confused, deluded and devalued by a sick, evil, disordered person! I am sending you the good vibes for peace of mind and strength and JOY! It is there. It will return. Three months is still early but I can tell from your posts that you are committed to healing and moving on. That is HUGE! Love and light and peace from (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. THE BEAST IS DEAD. HE NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

spinning

#13 Jun 3 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

Littleone

My god not-spinning, how

My god not-spinning, how right you are!! Thankyou for the list idea, I'm going to start that first thing. Im definately flipping in and out of CD, I think a poster sized bad list will help lol. Come to think of it, I can't think of anything to put onto the good list yet and about a million for the bad. What was i thinking ugh! This post just gave me the kick up the bum I needed, thank god for this website!! Xo Oh and yes, he did make fun of the way I looked... I wasn't allowed to buy makeup either, but then he would question why I wasn't wearing any?! Crazy disordered person.

#14 Jun 3 - 8AM (Reply to #24)

Deidre40

I'm so glad! Sometimes, it

I'm so glad! Sometimes, it takes us thinking of what life NOW would look like with them still in it, as opposed to what it ONCE looked like. To me? Things would have progressively gotten worse...he would have eventually cheated. (might have already, don't know) His ex wife would have become more of my life, without me wanting it. I think he would have raged more and more...and I would have probably have developed an ulcer. I was always revolving everything around his schedule, I wasn't sleeping well, and that showed no end in sight back then. I also think he would have kept me guessing as to when we'd be meeting up next. That was already beginning. I would joke...''guess we'll never see each other again.'' Laughing. He'd get angry...''I told you we would...stop obsessing.'' I wasn't obsessing. I was making a joke about the whole thing, but he had to control everything, even my ability to joke. He is a tool. Whoever ends up with him...good luck. She'll need it, and a bottle of valium.

#15 Jun 3 - 2AM

ifinallygotit

I would still be a yo yo

happy one week feeling all loved up - lonely and screwed up the next week wondering why I was being ignored, always catching colds, feeling unworthy - but I do miss the hugs and dog..sorry but I do

#16 Jun 3 - 11AM (Reply to #20)

terri

my many "ailments"

Your post triggered a memory. I'm a pretty healthy person overall. I would get the occasional cold or flu and after having my kids would get occasional migraines that were associated with hormones. But while with the narc, OMG! I was constantly sick with something. And other conditions would arise during the many breakups that we would have - IBS, backpain, imsomnia, nosebleeds - just to name a few. I noticed that I would often get headaches right before having to see him as the years passed. During one of the D&D sessions this last year, he actually complained about me not being able to do things with him because of "my many ailments". I'm waiting and hoping to see that as NC continues, my physical health will improve in time - along with my mental health.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#17 Jun 2 - 2PM

passionatebutterfly

If we were still together I'd

If we were still together I'd be right where he wants me, under his control. I can't even imagine the misery i'd be in. It turns my stomach to think about it. I certainly wouldn't be where i am today, that's for damn sure! xoxo

#18 Jun 2 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

Deidre40

passionate

This is really well said. Me too...I believe I'd be so unhappy. Confused. Crying. Angry. Suppressed. All the things I felt dating him, just 8 short weeks ago...I think might even have gotten worse. Knowing what I now know he was doing behind my back on FB? (see my recent thread) I can envision him eventually cheating on me. If he wasn't already. Who knows. At the end of the day...we are freeeeeeee!

#19 Jun 1 - 7PM

sara-smile

If we were still together

If we were still together I would probably be wondering every second of the day what he was doing or who was he talking to. I'd probably have some horrible STD and I'd be SICK all the time. The scary thing is my first thought when I read the subject was "I'd probably be dead"!!

#20 Jun 1 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Deidre40

sara

Oh my gosh...that is the funniest avatar! very cleva, sara. ;) lol!! Yes, I hear you. I honestly HONESTLY believe he would have started to cheat on me. We were having a long distance relationship. I would never have truly known. I don't believe he cheated. But, I believe he would have, eventually. Just a feeling I had. So...when you think of that sara, does it make it ''easier'' to let go of it all?

#21 Jun 1 - 5PM

mystwoman

The thought of this is enough

The thought of this is enough to give me nightmares (again). I did THAT for months after he left. If I were still with xnh, I have no doubt that by now he would be punching the crap out of me on a regular basis. He was working his courage up to it by the time he D&D'd. By now, he would have beat me down so far that his hideous P daughter would be back in my house with her squalling neglected newborn, and so would the hideous P daughter's drug problems and gang friends. In addition, I would probably be taking care of his hideous P daughter's baby while she parties, and xnh plays in his band outside in the band room (or gigging out in the bars with the band). According to what xnh continually told me, I never did anything but sit on my lazy butt and "play" on the computer anyway. Therefore, he seemed to think I should just be his personal slave. Asshole. Xnh would also be screwing other women right in front of my face, and threatening to divorce me constantly (just like he did for years). He pulled that one with OW during the last months of our marriage. I have had two broken ankles with the past six months (I have severe osteoporosis). I would be taking care of all that myself (just like I did anyway), AND xnh would still be abusing me for having health problems and telling me continually how I was ruining his life and "holding him back" from the life he supposedly deserves (along with maybe I should go away and die, and he'll beat the shit out of me until I divorce him). Xhn was NOT a real charmer underneath his illusion. By this time, I would probably have been in the hospital several times for all of the blood I was throwing up every day, or a morgue because my health finally gave out completely. My future survival if I continued living with xnh was looking pretty bleak. Every morning when I wake up, I thank GOD from the bottom of my heart that xnh pulled the final D&D, and I had the courage to finally say "Enough", and throw his ass out the front door forever. It actually did me a humongous favor. Getting him out of my life is one of the smartest things I have ever done. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#22 Jun 1 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

mystwoman

oh my gosh, mystwoman!!! what?? i had no idea it was that bad. I'm so sorry. :=( Thank God you are done with him. I sometimes wonder if he would have hurt me. He hit his last wife, and wife 3 and 4 had RO's on him...sooooo...made me wonder if I'd be next. I'm glad to be done with this man. I don't miss him. He is a scary person. I just wish I never met him. :=(

#23 Jun 2 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

mystwoman

Thanks Deidre. I am SO

Thanks Deidre. I am SO grateful every day that I am away from him. Like you, I regret the day that I ever met him. :(

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#24 Jun 1 - 4PM

Susan32

This is an important exercise

Exactly a decade ago, I learned that the ex-Psych prof&his girlfriend had had twins. He married her right after she gave birth. Even tho the ex-P&I weren't sexually/romantically involved, there were times I contemplated marriage to him (and he wanted to rush me into it) The ex-P wanted to emulate Leo Tolstoy... who married Sofia Behrs after only a weeklong courtship (that included his salacious diaries of his sexual conquests&stringing her along with her sisters) If marrying him had happened... I would've been as hysterical as Sofia. The way Leo mistreated her often drove her to suicidal thoughts&suicide attempts. He threatened to kill her when she was in pain after childbirth.. he emotionally abused her because of her breastfeeding problems. He'd avoid the nursery, even tho she bore him 13 children. He wouldn't comfort her when their children died young. He'd find ways to avoid her... even when they were in the same house. He often abandoned his family. He packed his bags, threatening to go to America when she was in labor with their youngest child. In the end, Leo abandoned his wife&children. He left them penniless. They were left on the Czar's pension (think of Russian Imperial welfare) I think marrying the ex-P would've been a NIGHTMARE. I dreamt a dream... but it was only a dream. The mirages disappeared, revealing an empty desert.

#25 Jun 1 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Deidre40

susan!

lol yes. If you had married that nutbag...omg. You would have been in tears, daily. And you would have been dressing to his liking...and if not, you'd have his wrath. Ugh. I also imagine your ex would have mocked you during your pregnancy, if you both got married and had kids together. He seemed weird like that. It's good to imagine life with the ex...if we start having CD, especially. I am not having CD. I think I'm just feeling like he's still in my life. Like that website 'ties' us together, and I don't want it to anymore. But, it requires me leaving it. But, it's time. It doesn't edify my life anymore. My personal life no longer entertains those people, so...they have no use for me. :=( To those I find to be true friends, they have my phone number. Thanks for chiming in susan. Your writing always makes me laugh. :=)

#26 Jun 2 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

Sometimes God says ENOUGH!!!

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus told His Father "if it be YOUR will, let this bitter cup pass from Me." In this case, I think God took away the bitter cup. I was betrayed, true... but this suffering was ENOUGH. Sometimes God allows suffering;Jesus suffered. But there are times God puts a stop to it. God only gives us what we can handle. I couldn't have handled being married to the ex-Psych prof&having his kids. "Your ex would have mocked you during your pregnancy"-He'd often compare me to Lisa in "War and Peace", despite the fact I wasn't pregnant: http://www.shmoop.com/war-and-peace/liza-bolkonsky.html He mocked me when I lost my grandfather-if I he had gotten me pregnant, how would he have handled THAT??? The ex-P had a morbid fascination with pregnancy, what pregnant women ate. He saw it as the ultimate control. That it would keep me from abandoning him. In fact, he impregnated his girlfriend around the time I left. As soon as I ignored him (despite being in the same city,he didn't have my contact info), she was expectant. Here's a conversation I had with a friend not long after- "She had his kid?" "Ugh. Even better. TWINS." "You would've been in tears daily"-I was crying so much during the final D&D that one of my friends said I would've wept more if I were the girlfriend/wife! How very true. "Your writing always makes me laugh"-Thanks. It's better to be teary from laughter, isn't it? Thank you!

#27 Jun 2 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Deidre40

susan

Susan! What a great analogy...with Jesus in the Garden. I was telling Hunter today over the phone this very thing, that I PRAYED for God to do something, when I was still dating the narc. I prayed for Him to allow me to see the narc for what he was. And the night we broke up...it was the fight to end all fights. He was enraged, not letting me speak...he wasn't apologizing. I thought, God qued this up...this is my chance to escape. And I did. :=) Then, we got back together 24 hours later...and God was probably like...huh? lol So...we had an even WORSE fight 24 hours later...and that was it. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I KNEW. God wanted me out of this man's life. What a great way to view this susan...you're such a gem of wisdom. Truly. {{hugs}}

#28 Jun 5 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Susan32

"He sounds like a fictional character"

That's what my therapist says of the ex-Psych prof. He says that the ex-P sounds like a sleazy Rob Lowe character (except Rob Lowe is in better shape, has aged remarkably well). The behavior was THAT over-the-top. It fit in a soap opera, NOT real life. The ex-P is more like the famous fictional characters Don Quixote and Madame Bovary. Don Quixote is so enthralled with "Amadis de Gaul" that he thinks he's a knight errant and tips at windmills. He confuses reality with his fanciful fictions. He thinks he's a character in the stories he's reading... it's Sancho Panza who tries to give him SOME grip on reality. Madame Bovary is so enamored of her romance novels... that she thinks she's in a romantic melodrama. Her confusion of reality with fantasy leads to two failed adulterous affairs, debt, and her suicide. And the ex-P thought he was Andrei, Anatole or Pierre... depending on how he felt at the time. No wonder it felt scripted.

#29 Jun 5 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

Pulp fiction

The ex-Psych prof had such a tenuous hold on reality that he'd compare me to fictional characters. If a guy compares you to an ex-wife or an ex-girlfriend (even an ex-boyfriend!), there's at least equal footing... in REALITY. When I told the ex-P how self-centered he was, he'd constantly compare me to Lisa, he'd say, "The look on your face is 'why are you doing this to me?'" Because that's the look on Lisa Bolkonsky's face after she dies in childbirth from emotional abuse/physical abandonment. Lisa also says early on of her husband Andrei, "He thinks only of himself." The ex-P thought he was Prince Andrei: http://www.shmoop.com/war-and-peace/andrei-bolkonsky.html He compared himself to Andrei and how I was like Natasha, who's connected to Nature&makes Andrei wonder why she's so happy. When the ex-P said "Why are you so happy?" that's what Andrei asks himself when he first sees Natasha. Putting a woman in competition with former partners is bad enough. But with fictional characters? That's a whole new level of WTF. It's not like Natasha and Lisa actually existed. My Narc grandmother and my former Narc boss have more grounding in REALITY.

#30 Jun 1 - 4PM

hryan77

I really...

I really needed this...I need to think about how it got, the true him...and yes mine used to say how much he wanted me to be his wife, i love you came fast... he says now that he wasn't even in love with his now ex wife...maybe that's true since it seems he doesn't have the slightest clue what love is. To think he told me he loved me just a few short hours prior to the d&d...he did say it was over and done, but only because I confronted him on what i found out about an OW. I was the one that ultimately left and went NC and only broke once when I was forced to...but went right back to NC after telling him to keep whatever i left in the house. thanks again

#31 Jun 1 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Deidre40

hryan

yes...when I love you comes quick as you say--beware. Yanno, at the time...you feel on a cloud. Especially when you date a type like mine was...bad boy...tough...mean...and you are the woman who is melting his heart. WRONG. He doesn't have a heart to melt, you see. lol So...it's all a facade. I think that what we need to remember too, is if we are thinking about them with other women/men...what will stop you from being jealous and upset...is remember how it was laid out for you. From I love you, and you can do no wrong...to I hate you...leave me alone. Thanks for sharing this with us!! Hope it helps.

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