For those who are married? How did you tell them about the N/P?

Jewwell, I dont think telling your husband is going to make this all better. It may give you temporary relief but it will torture him. If you really care about your husband, you will put his needs and safety first, and that is not by giving him crushing news of this affair. So not a good choice in my book. You need to look closely at what you stand to gain out of continuing on with this N. Can he give you something long lasting? Will he be a great provider and soul mate? Is he marriage material? What is his patterns and track record in yours and previous relationships? Is he supportive, caring, kind, gentle, loving, affectionate etc... Can he give you what you need in a partnership? I would bet to say no to all the above. If you have answered no.... you are wasting your time with him and you are ruining your relationship with the person you are married to not to mention destroying yourself. Best advise on this: End this relationship the narc and work on your marriage. If you find in the end that you can not make this work with your husband then so be it. But a least you made the effort to make it right. In the end you can not control what this Narc does or doesn't do. If he tells him then deal with this when it comes to into play. But coming forth without the knowledge of whether he will or will not blow the whistle on all of this will only cause tremendous hurt to your husband and It may not be necessary. Especially if your intentions are to stay with him. If your going to tell him wait until you are completely out of it for some time and in therapy. There is a right way and a wrong way to break this kind of news. You have dug a deep hole my friend and where this all falls remains to be seen. Either way I believe your strong enough to survive this and learn from the mistake. Just my opinion for what it is worth. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

this has brought tremendous trauma in my marriage, obviously. My husband has suspected something as long as 22 years ago. He found out through email....i didn't tell him. that was 5 years ago, and he hasn't been able to trust me sense. I have a very calm, understanding husband. He was deeply hurt...but never "punished" me because of it. Crazy when I think of all the stupid things Narc punished me over. But we still struggle with it...he is still hurt over it...he still doesn't trust me... and we are still trying to figure out what to do about our marriage. Because the fact is, the Narc came into my life because my husband and I had no emotional connection. And we still don't. And I think I will always feel the desire to be with someone I am connected to - since that is vitally important to me. So he is very afraid that one day I may be gone...and that is definitely a huge risk in our relationship. I think your decision depends on your husband. If you think you might be physically hurt, I'm not sure I would do it. I was lucky that my H is calm and understanding. What kinds of threats are you receiving? My N threatened me to, but it was more of like work extortion...and I just sucked it up and cried all the time. I didn't share any of these threats.

Hi Jewwell - you may want to read my story - Morty's Story. A little different than yours - my husband knew about my feelings for the ex-narc long before the ex-narc did. My husband and I are still married - more like peacefully co-existing mainly because our daughter is so young. He's been wonderfully supportive during all this turmoil. But the circumstances are unique, as you'll see... I think the important thing for you to figure out is whether or not telling your husband at this point would accomplish anything. Since there are problems in the marriage, it sounds like perhaps you guys could use some professional help. But prior to that, perhaps individual counseling might help you? So that you can understand why you became a victim of the narc. And then so you can determine if you have the desire to do the hard work to improve the marriage? What are the bonds that hold you together and are they strong enough to make it worth it?

Before telling your husband, you have to ask yourself, why you thought you needed this affair. be brutally honest with yourself. Is this relationship you are in healthy, is everything ok? Are you using this N, to get away from your husband. Little back story to myself. I was with a normal guy for 6 years, then I met the N, and I did tell him, we brok up, and now we dated again for 6 months and I realized NOW, there was a reason why I cheated. He is a nice guy, but there was emotional abuse, he took me for granted, he used me for being there, he wasnt really commited to me, he didnt want to build up a future with me, he never let me talk, he didnt see me anymore, he belittled me. Again, he is not a narc, just a foolish, immature "nice" guy. And before telling him anything, I would think again, if somethings wrong with you and him. If not, dont tell him, go NC with the N and stay NC, and consider counceling, therapy will help you to process what happened. If not, I would talk with your husband about your real problems, the real one, I think then the N might be just a symptom... Hugs

I think I hear you say, your married to a normal man, yet your emotions are going to a N/P? If so, RUN home to the normal husband. Tell him? He will think or make himself really believe it YOU.....You will feel crazy and tired and possibly lose your marriage. Not worth it. You can try to tell him but it doesn't do any good for anyone.