For those having trouble with NC- advice straight from the Narc's mouth

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#1 May 28 - 10PM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

For those having trouble with NC- advice straight from the Narc's mouth

Heading to bed and ready to start at day 1 of my own initiated NC, but wanted to pass on a few tidbits of info that might help people out there who are currently struggling with NC.

My ex-N is a self-aware narcissist. We were having a conversation a two days ago (not about us, but about someone else's situation) and here are the words straight from the N's mouth. I am copy/pasting this VERABTIM from an email:

"If someone pisses me off, I just erase them from my life. There is nothing worse than being ignored. People hate being ignored. Engaging in the back and forth and drama only feeds into them. Silence and not acknowledging their existence cuts them more than any words ever could. I laugh when they make a scene about it because I know just how much I'm affecting them. It's so entitled and demanding. I would never give someone the satisfaction of knowing that they affected me in any way."

Straight from the classic Narc's mouth. Just think about it for a bit. Take these words and turn it right back on them

Good night

May 29 - 6PM
Monica
Monica's picture

What does it mean if they refuse to erase ANYONE from their life

My xN was just the opposite. He wanted to keep everyone "friends." No one got "erased." He never closed a door on anyone. I BEGGED him to block me so that I could rage at him (via text) and let out my anger without him knowing what I was saying. He refused. "I want ur friendship." My response? "Fuck friendship!" I think it worked out in my favor to be able to rage at him...over four years of never standing up for myself, never speaking out against the way he treated me and other people...coming out all at once. I got it all out. Then blocked him again. Permanently. Mine has political aspirations. I guess he thinks he can't make "enemies" if he wants to run for office. (Well, that little solicitation arrest may be a wee bit of a problem for him.....!) Well....I made it clear I would never allow him to be elected to public office. DNA is a beautiful thing. And it is my civic duty to not allow a pathological liar and cheater and narcisist to be elected to public office. Unfortunately, he chose an honest, trustworthy, credible victim.
May 29 - 9AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

This is so so true. I even

This is so so true. I even told the psycho that the fact that he ignores me tells me that I get to him otherwise he would have no need to do so. Then I invited him to read up on the silent treatment and that its never about indifference. I told him that I know that I'm anything but non existent to him that I get to him and I know it. He recently opened a business in which he got the idea when he was with me. There have been artcles written about it with specefic references to things that he knew would get under my skin. I have not reacted to it. Haven't even acknowledged that I know about it and guess what? I got a phone call from a restricted number on my cell phone at 2:30 am on a week night. I have never gotten a call from a restricted number before especially in the middle of the night. He can't stand that I haven't gone off on him or even mentioned his new business. Just know this the more they ignore you inactuality the more power you have over them. It sounds counter intuitive but it really is true
May 29 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
Used
Used's picture

ignoring

i dont agree, they more they ignore you the more power you have...ignoring them and going nc is my power and always will be....if they ignore you its b/c they dont give a toss.
May 29 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Used if you read about the

Used if you read about the silent treatment it is NEVER about indifference and ALWAYS about anger. When they don't give a rats ass they just tell you to fuck off and don't contact them again. I have to disagree with you here there ignoring of u has nothing at all to do with indifference and everything to do with anger and rage. Everything with them is oppositeland. When they are raging they go quiet. When you get to them they disngage.
May 30 - 6AM (Reply to #18)
Used
Used's picture

gettinbetter

myexn told me a few times to f..k off and dont come back, and so i didnt contact him, and he always came back always, i never approached him...and i am now 19mnths nc and he is back again[or trying too]so perhaps i just dont get it. for the first year of nc.. he tried to get back, then he tried to join a club i am a member of [he was turned down] he left me alone for a few mnths, and now he is back again, and tho when we were together he used to dissapear, when he appeared again, he never ignored me, but i got so fed up with it, i began ignoring him until i felt like talking again[i sound like a narc], then after his ow came to me and told me she had been in a relationship all the time me and him had been friends....i dropped him for good....he is definatly a narc and a sociapath, and i dont even understand why he has tried to come back this time, he doesnt speak he just stands and stands and sneers... pretty spooky realy.
May 29 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Deecbee

Thanks for completing what I always felt, it has been 2 years since we saw each other and when I sent him a card and postcard the last few months, got nothing back, he is using the ultimate weapon in his arsenal, pretending like I do not exist, well now it is fine by me, and it is HIS LOSS. This is really validating to hear from a narc!
May 29 - 2AM
candy
candy's picture

they know what they are doing !!!!

ive had silence for 3 months,at first i tried texing him a few times,but he never responded ... totally wiped me from his life, its very hard and soul destoying..... he knows exaclty how much this is hurting me and just doesnt care ..... never met anyone so cruel and wicked in my life... i will never got over the pain of being none existant !!! CANDY XX
May 29 - 2AM
Used
Used's picture

deecbee

I have done this to exn for 19mnths, totally ignored him, his ranting and raving, his threats, i dont even aknowlege he is there, so while I THANK YOUR NARC FOR HIS INPUT ...BEEN THERE DONE THAT STILL DOING IT ...WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT, AND WHEN AND IF YOU GET AWAY FROM HIM...HE HAS JUST TOLD YOU HOW TO DESTROY HIS VERY EXSISTENCE.....SILLY MEN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.
May 29 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

Yep, that was the best part

Yep, that was the best part of it... now I know exactly what crushes him. I know what makes him tick. It's so funny how much he has been giving away lately without even realizing it.
May 28 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

whew

this is so interesting and harsh (to apply to my own experience). unfortunaley, I think it is true. My EX N blocked me from his fan page and had his two best friends block me from their fan pages! I don't even know these guys as they do not live in this city. I think maybe he bragged to them that I was strung out over him after the break up and after he posted pics of him with new GF on FB. In other words, I now think he pimped my pain to get attention from his male friends (who he always cared about way more than me). He could be paranoid about exposure since you can post on people's fan pages, but you would think he would know my character after 10 years...I thought it was fear of exposure but now I think he was just getting supply from his buddies showing off that he had multiple women after him, a new Gf and an old GF back home pining for him ...this is so pitiful if true, he is in his 50's. i really think it must be true, unless he just got paranoid when I blocked him on FB and went silent for 2 months after seeing him with his new GF...Who knows, but either way it is bizarre for an adult to behave like this. We were never friends on FB - I knew he was deep into it but I thought he needed it to pump his ego and feel like he still had fans since he was a has-been ex celeb sitting on his butt broke in his basement...I did not hassle him about his cyber life because he seemed to love me and there was no sign of other GFs before he left...everything about this all sounds sick now...but, I guess your N was right, they enjoy knowing they cause pain - it makes him look popular and in demand to his friends!
May 29 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

They ARE scared of exposure!!

They ARE scared of exposure!! My x-N always completely blocked me on FB when we were on the "outs". More recently, when we tried the "friends" thing, he asked me no less than 5 times to not contact women on his page and notify them of things that were "not common knowledge". He's SO paranoid about it.
May 28 - 10PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

That is nothing short of

That is nothing short of wow...fascinating! I'm so glad you shared this. And glad he did, too. lol hope you have a good rest of your weekend dee!
May 28 - 10PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

OMG decbee. OMG. This is

OMG decbee. OMG. This is what mine has done also for months. And I made quite a show of affection for him lastnight...but it was only to calm the beast and protect myself and my family. I am SO enraged, So shattered, SO sickened, I will never, ever give this man the benefit of correspondence. I'm also downright just petrified of him. You're right, they love to make people wait...like cat and mouse. Sick.
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

I promise you they do things

I promise you they do things with specific intent and they feed off of others' anguish. What they suffer from is a feeling of chronic insignificance and making someone else writhe in agony makes them FEEL that significance they crave. It brings them alive. Reacting to them in any way, positive or negative, literally feeds the beast. I've always read about this concept, but now that I've actually seen it with my own two eyes, I have to scream it from the rooftops. They know exactly what they are doing. They are perfectly happy to never speak to you again as long as they know you are affected by it.
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
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Feeding off of anguish

This really strikes at the heart of it. In the past 11 years, only ONCE when I broke NC did I mention my anguish&pain to the ex-Psych prof on how he treated me. Now, it's state secrets&if he wanted to know ANY of my pains over the past decade, he'd have to have a security clearance. "Reacting to them in any way, positive or negative"-Now, most garden variety Narcs thrive on praise. My former Narc coworker (the massively obese one) loved praise&admiration. So did my former Narc boss. But not the ex-Psych prof. If he saw a positive reaction in me, he'd run for the door, figuratively if not literally. He'd be hanging the phone up on me if I were HAPPILY regaling him with stories of Yellowstone. If he thought I was laughing at him, he'd think of a way to end the conversation. Happiness did NOT feed the beast. "They feed off of others' anguish"-I think that's why the ex-P doesn't speak to me. If he told me of his Narc injuries, he knows I'd probably relish it. And laugh at him. When I used to deal Narc injuries (MOST were unintentional), I'd be apologetic, in tears. He could fake anguish&I'd be there to comfort him. I was apologizing to him during the final D&D because I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM. When I was happy about him being engaged, it was the sort of attention he did NOT want. He wanted anguish- and he was acting like the angry customer whose waitress had spat&sneezed into his coffee. That's why when I've broken NC, anguish is the BIG NO-NO/DON'T GO THERE. He couldn't stand ridicule (because it made him feel insignificant-I think he's the only prof who bolted out of the senior skit because it mocked him), he couldn't stand happiness. Being happy and/or laughing at him usually drove him away like the proverbial bell, book&candle. Both acted as forms of exorcism. If I wrote a long letter of pining, anguish, longing, hurt and pain... he'd LOVE it. Therefore I do not write it. If I write something as sappy&joyful as one of those straight-to-DVD Barbie fairytales... it bores him, makes him cringe. Therefore I write it. After all, the ancient Greek sorceress Medea mixed her potions carefully.
May 29 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
Daisyd
Daisyd's picture

Feeding off the anguish

Susan; Mine use to do that to me. I remember once I made the mistake of telling him that I lost 16 pounds over him in one month! During that month he only spoke to me once, it was horrible, hence the weight loss. I remember he turned that bit of info over and over in his hands like it was a gift! Sick jack ass. That was the last time I ever made that mistake of telling him what effect he had on my life. NC 3+ months, bliss.
May 29 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He'd prey on me when I was sad

I remember one of my friends from college (I occasionally hear from him) saying that the ex-Psych prof would AVOID me when I was HAPPY because it would mean I wasn't good prey. If I were sad, he hovered like a vulture. He ENJOYED negative feelings like:anguish, desperation, jealousy, sadness, pain. But positive feelings he couldn't handle. My Narc grandmother, my former Narc boss and former Narc coworker thrive on praise... the ex-P couldn't even bear praise. If I had praised the ex-P about his recent lecture... I would've caught Hell. (What's weird is that when I did the Info-Dump of Happiness on the ex-P... I found out about his lecture... AFTER I broke NC, well, my psychic powers did freak him out) It was my happiness he couldn't stand. There's a heartbreaking scene in "War and Peace" (the ex-P's obsession, thankfully harmless compared to alcohol&junk food) in which the Narc Prince Andrei realizes how happy everyone is WITHOUT him. He realizes he has a depressive effect on people. Whenever I was happy or successful, he'd avoid me. He'd distance himself. I honestly think that he did NOT like having a positive effect on people-seeing me happily declare my love sent him into rages/distancing/final apocalyptic D&D, and my classmates laughing at him thru the senior skit sent him running. Only ONCE in the past 11 years did I mention the pain he caused me. Other than that, I've done writing that would endear me to the California&Massachusetts Convention&Visitors' Bureaus. Being happy bored him to no end. If I had a "happy tone" on the phone, he'd find ways to end the call. If I were giggly in his presence, he'd accuse me of not taking him seriously&stomp off. Happiness keeps him far, far, far away.
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

decbee this is like an

decbee this is like an artifact that you marvel at in a museum, this quote from your narc that you have shared with us tonight! I can't thank you enough I really can't!
May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

PG

Artifact - you are too funny!!! Yes its like discovering how dinosaurs think...