the things we forget or ignore

I kept a journal of my relationship with my ex, too, and I went back and read it awhile ago, months after he'd walked out of my life with no explanation. It was like everything I'd learned on this site was written out in black and white in my own hand way before I even knew what was coming down the pike. It was unbelievable. He was/is, without a doubt, a passive aggressive narcissist - fortunately, he never, ever physically abused me or threatened me or raged at me, but he demonstrated all the other signs over and over again. It hurt to read it all - it was like losing him all over again - but it was fascinating at the same time.

Keep the journal as a reminder as long as you need to recover. You know from the trauma we have this fragmented memories, I was so blocked sometimes, that even if I wanted to remember the bad things he did, I just couldnt, I was completely brainswashed and totally traumatized. And you know there is a reason for it, your mind wants you to forget so you can move on. I recommend to keep the worst thing he ever did to you, that is totally unacceptable in your mind, and forget the rest. Let the amnsesia come over you, its necessary to have a better life after them. Big hugs

I frequently still have things pop into my head that xnh did to me during the 16 years I was with him. These narcs are real pieces of...something, aren't they? One of the scenarios about xnh that always hurts me deeply happened right before we got married (and I still can't believe I was stupid enough to married the jerk after this). Xnh had to go to Spain for work. While he was gone, I got appendicitis and friends had to take me into the emergency room at 4 a.m. one morning(night?) for emergency surgery. The appendix ruptured right as the doctor was doing the surgery. Because I was alone, and had staples and stitches in my abdomen, the hospital would not release me until xnh came home from his trip. I was in the hospital almost 5 days before he finally wandered in to see me. When I finally got released from the hospital, all I wanted to do was just GO HOME. However, it was apparently xnh's day to have his children. So instead of taking me directly home because I'd just gotten out of the hospital with surgery. xnh INSISTED that we stop at his ex-wife's house to pick up his children. He left me sitting in the car with staples and stitches after I'd just left the hospital for over an hour while he sat inside and bullsh*tted with his ex and the children. After all of this time, when xnh finally brought his children out to the car, the youngest one was obviously very sick. However, come Hell or High Water, xnh WAS having his children on HIS day instead of just leaving the sick child with his ex-wife. After we FINALLY got home, xnh left his oldest child and the sick youngest one with me, and decided that he HAD to go to work anyway. So even though xnh had thrown such a fit to about being with his kids, he didn't actually stay with them anyhow. He dumped them on me fresh out of the hospital, and left for the night supposedly because he "had to go to work". As it turned out, this sick child had strep throat and she gave it to me. Since I was home sick anyway, xnh left her for ME to babysit during the days afterward instead taking her back to his ex-wife, because (like he told me) all that I was doing was sitting on my ass doing 'nothing'. Therefore, I could just take care of the sick kid instead of recovering from surgery. He also made a comment that NOW he didn't feel that transferring a sick kid back and forth between houses was a good idea, and he DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIS EX-WIFE SICK. Asshole. However, if was just fine with xnh if *I* (his CURRENT fiance) was barfing with stitches and staples, and was a sick as a dog. All of this while dealing with a 4-year old with strep throat, that WASN'T EVEN MY KID, while he went blithely off to work every day. Xnh never so much as altered his own schedule even once. Neither did his ex-wife. Reading this make me realize (once again) WHY I hate xnh. lol. He was a true heartless, self-centered bastard. His actions towards me were NOT love. I must have had blinders on that were about the size of the earth to stay with this jerk. Never again!!!

Puzzle, I have a question for you. I went through my text messages and deleted them this morning. I had saved every one of them. Reading them now with a clear head made me realize how much of a fog I was in with him. I have also kept a journal of my time with N. I want to destroy it, but then again, I want to keep it. If I keep it, I know I will go back and read it and feel worse. If I get rid of it, I will reqret it. I'm stuck not knowing what to do. Give me your opinion please.

Jeez Theres only one word that describes this guy and starts with C and ends with T. Girl, this made me feel sick after reading it too. I'm disgusted. VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT. You don't deserve this treatment, you never did. He's a revolting pig. Isn't it amazing how much we lie to ourselves and repress the bad stuff?! More and more things will pop into your head as your healing gets further underway, make sure you get it out!

Painful as it is at least you have another clear picture of what the relationship was like. I think you are right that we do forget or ignore an awful lot of stuff that a healthy outside observer would be really shocked by.