things that i am not able to let go..need advice

I will add what mine said and it isa a slightly different twist, as they are not all total carbon copies, knew mine over 15 years, he never addressed me as his girlfriend, i found out when we were house hunting at one point, he had told a customer where he worked that he and his "lady friend" were looking to buy a house together, I found that term odd. I was invited to family gatherings and included which was nice, though later on I think he was jealous of my being so well liked instead of proud for himself.We did hold hands and kiss in public and he did say i love you, so there was a little semblence of normalcy but in the end he reminded me I lost a life,home and marriage because of what IIIII did to push him further away, note not one ounce of responsbilty towards his words or actions in the relationship..Excuse my English but in the end I was simply no more that a good fuck for him and it hurts now less than it did even a few months ago when I was still grieving over him............

I'll speak to each one of the things you mentioned, because each one is one I am having trouble with, too: "1 The fact that we lived as a couple and he doesn't even admit that i was his girlfriend (I was going through separation from my marriage when i met him and it made it easier for him to not to explain what we were)" -I met mine while separated, too. He never, after four years, called me his girlfriend except to me, when I would ask him if I was. He took his foster kid and my daughter to work with him once and told everyone, "this is my son, and this is my neighbor's daughter." My daughter thought of him as her father and the boy as her brother, and she is now in counseling because of the detachment and rejection. No one knew about me except two of his friends. Everyone else thought he was single, and he liked it that way. He wouldn't even let me walk to school with him, kiss him in front of anyone, meet his child's teacher or be on his child's list of adults who were authorized to pick him up after school. He even lied to the social service agency that he was single so I wouldn't be involved in his foster child's life (who he said we were going to raise together). I think half of this is wanting to be single, alone, not responsible for anyone. And the other half has to be free to troll for love, interest, admiration, sympathy. It was obvious to me that the narc thought he could get more compassion and sympathy from moms, teachers and strangers if they thought he was a single man raising a child alone. 2 He never talked about what we were (nor did i ask him to define ...i am stupid ..i know....i thought he liked me too as he spent all his time with me) and only said that he doesnt want a relationship with me when were together in bed for the first time. he started moving forward with the act and said "i feel bad for doing this to you because i dont want a relationship". i was shocked to why he acted very lovable like a boyfriend all the while. I was so into him at that time i could not ask him to get off me if he doesnt want a relationship. it was very confusing. i hope you would understand...i dont know how to explain it better. i also wish to add that he was the first person i have been with (the marriage had a religious twist to it as nothing ever happened as things were only for procreation). I waited for the right person to be in love and do the act. -This is awful that he was the first person you were every with. I am so sorry. Mine told me on our first "date" that he didn't think it was natural for people to marry or live together, but that he wanted children (?) He told me on our second date that he loved me. After his child came, he refused to have intercourse with me but would not tell me why. 3 he NEVER kissed me out of the bed room. He never held hands outside but acted as though we are couple. Whenever he saw OW or a potential interest, he would make it clear that I am a room mate and we are not together. I feel very used this way...i feel like a whore. i feel extreme shame for the situation i was in. i cooked and spend time as couple but the relationship was very dis honest. i feel disgusted with me to how i let this happen. -Oh, girl! I know how you feel! I would see him in the school yard and go up to kiss him on the cheek or hug him and he would literally push me away and say, "Ok, honey, you made your point." 4 all these things he said about the women in his past or the appreciation of OW in the present is stuck inside my head. it drives me crazy at times. I am not sure how to get past it. their bodily features, their interests and what not. -The times I had to listen to, "Cindy understands me, Cindy knows me, Cindy could teach you a thing or two." Cindy is his ex-fiancee, who he was with for ten years, who he dumped because he couldn't go through with it--twenty years ago! And then, about his "female friends" who I couldn't meet: "They are not drama queens like you, I don't want them to deal with your b.s." And about his babysitter, who would not even talk to my daughters because she was trying to break up the narc and me: "She is a great help to me. She doesn't bitch and moan when I ask for her help." ??????????? This was after a year of me crying and wailing about why he doesn't let ME help him but lets her. 5 to the fact that i caught him watching porn with the pictures of the women of his interest while i was in the next room planning to cook for him. i see this women and him everyday. -Not porn, but he had a framed picture of his ex-fiancee and her daughter on his desk, but threw away every photo I gave him of me or us or my daughters. 6 that he said he never loved me, he has always been looking at OW behind me all through our "relationship". -Mine never stopped saying he loved me, but he denied that he ever said he wanted to get married, live in the house together, or have children. my psychologist is the one who found that he is a N. My psychologist keeps directing me to do positive things but i feel he is not getting these points that are stuck in my head. At times i feel very crazy myself to have gone through such immense pain. -I know what you mean. My counselor keeps trying to focus on ME and I keep focusing on the fact that I can NOT let these things go. The thing that makes me insane is that he has given his life and love and family to this little kid who he didn't even know until two years ago, but he threw my girls and me away. When I see the child, he talks about "my house, my papa, my boat, my room, my uncles, my backyard" and it makes me insane. "That's MY house!" I want to scream! "My backyard!" "My daughters' room!" "MY family!" "MY boat!" I have said it before that I am horrified and ashamed that I despise this child, but I do. I would love nothing more than for him to go back to his mom so I'd never have to look at him again or hear his voice. Pathetic, right?

Could you be feeling VERY VERY VERY stupid right now? That you layed beneath him and let him have sex with you after that unbelievable put down? That you waited on him and and foot, giving him the best of you while he wanked off to porn in the other room?