They don't change for the next person do they?

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#1 Jan 3 - 11AM

Dee30

They don't change for the next person do they?

i know it's some stupid thoughts. But for some reason, maybe because I feel like I have no self-esteem left, I think my exnarc will change into a better person for the girl he marries. And that would just prove it was all my fault..i don't know i kept obsessing about that last nite. Especially after he told me she is better than anyone. contact does equal pain.

#2 Jan 5 - 1PM

c_jennings

I sure hope it wasnt just me...

I think we all have the same thoughts Dee...its the confusing nature of the disorder since they are such talented manipulators...remember though that at one time he most likely told you that you were amazing and the most wonderful woman he ever met... mine told me all those wonderful words and then one day 3yrs into marriage he told me these words "This is ALL wrong. You are ALL wrong." he wanted to move out and i would not give him money to do it so i turned myself inside out to become ALL right, whatever that is, resumed my role as narcissistic supply and he stayed for another few years till i finally figured out how crazy it was....and it still took alot of therapy to figure out what the hell had happened and i STILL relapse into the crazy thinking at times... It is very difficult to see them engaging in what some may see as a "happy normal " relationship and you begin to question yourself...rest assured that he will not change and this woman will be cast aside like you were...it will just depend on how long it takes her to see through him....

#3 Jan 4 - 7PM

lightandlove

No sadly - they do not change ...

8 months out of my destructive, abusive and toxic relationship with my ex-fiance and one of the greatest joys I have been blessed with is one of his former girlfriends coming to my aid for support ! He always referred to her as nuts and yet one his so called friends mentioned to me about a year ago that she had reached out to his friends 5 years ago - her fear was that something was very wrong with him. No -one listened to her and she always felt as if it was all her fault. That was until I asked a mutual friend to put me in contact with his ex-girlfriend. This woman is a superb person, beautiful, intelligent, talented and full of life and energy ! When we first met face to face - it was as if we had met a soul sister - we are so much alike and we are born only 24 hrs apart !!! We have become great friends and have shared our most intimate and darkest experiences of the one bad man. When she heard that he was engaged to me - her response was, FINALLY a woman strong enough to pull him into line ! Sadly, this was not to be. I was no stronger than her and we both agree no that no matter who the woman is, no matter how stunning, how smart ...it just won't work and it's NOT because of her ...it's all about him ! Please rest assured that it's up to you to make the break, it's up to you to choose no contact ... I failed to do this and ended up receiving a text threatening me with physical violence back in November 2011. The day you realise that what you had with your ex is not love ... that is the day you will start to move on ! You are not alone ! Sandra

#4 Jan 4 - 7PM (Reply to #33)

Dee30

Sandra

He made me out to look like the psycho gf. His friend who I talked to actually thought I was psycho. but i guess he did make me look like the crazy one in the end. He drove my insecurities to the point i was constantly checking up on me via phone, but HE planted all these insecurities in my head, flirting with women in front of me, talking about threesomes etc..but no I ended up looking like a psycho gf. And i'm sure he told his friends i was the pyscho and prolly to the girl that he is gnna marry..i am trying to understand all the shit he put me thru was not love. it was HIM projecting all his insecurities on me and make me out to be the crazy one. It still hurts tho knowing i was never the person he made me out to be.

#5 Jan 4 - 12AM

dulcinea441

They may change some of their

They may change some of their tactics depending on who they're with and how they might stand to gain from the relationship - but no, they don't truly change who they are: they are still manipulative, abusive, and incapable of empathy or love.

#6 Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #31)

mystwoman

You nailed it, dulcinea441.

You nailed it, dulcinea441. They may change some of their tactics and morph themselves according to what they think think will work with their new supply. It's all still just an act. The narc is the exact same abusive, manipulative, disordered person, devoid of empathy, that he's been all along. The mask will come off eventually with the new supply, and this next person will see the ugly narc underneath just like I did. It's been interesting (and entertaining) to me to see how xnh "changed" with OW. When he was with me, his overall persona was "race car fanatic/rock star wanna be". He wanted to be a NASCAR driver or the drummer in a famous rock band when he grows up. Since xnh will NEVER grow up (he's 50 years old), none of this will ever happen in reality. Now that he's with OW, xnh has morphed himself into "cowboy" and drummer in a local country music band (complete with the boots, cowboy hat, western shirts, the great big new pickup truck, playing at the local county fair, and I'm sure, tons of bullshit clinging to him (okay, I'll admit that xnh has always been full of shit so that's not anything really new - rofl). However, the entire 16 years xnh was with me, he always swore that his EVER playing country music was "beneath him", and he referred to it as "cat stretching music" because of the twang from the guitars. Xnh always told me playing country music was boring for him to play, and it was beneath his "lofty" skills. Therefore, HE would NEVER play in a country band. Personally, I actually like almost any kind of music (including country) so I think this demeaning attitude was something xnh and his brother (who also plays drums) decided. I guess OW must really like country music because xnh has certainly morphed himself into a completely different persona than the one I thought I knew. It's been entertaining for me to watch. Xnh must have given himself whiplash changing into something OW wants to see. He's mirroring her, and I KNOW that it won't last. She'll be seeing the ugly person xnh truly is when his mask slips off...and her discard and devalue by xnh will have started. The cycle of "narcdom" always continues. I have NO doubt about it. Narcs never really change (for anyone).

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#7 Jan 4 - 7AM (Reply to #30)

janemarie

I couldnt have said it

I couldnt have said it better!!! dulcinea441 is dead on!! They change to accomodate their next victim..to suck her in and drain her just like they did to us!!! But their disordered psychotic minds NEVER change!! xoxo

#8 Jan 3 - 10PM

Gravity

Hardtobelieve

Hardtobelieve, we've ALL been there. But I promise you, it will be no different with her. Absolutely NO different. I like this quote: ""If you want something to cry about, cry for the N's new victim(s), the innocent, unmarked, un-inoculated prey. The victims are carefully chosen, and I feel sad for them." She is a victim, just like you were. Even if he treats her well to her face, I can promise you he is scheming behind her back. All she is, is supply. She will find out sooner or later that he is cheating on her, or that he is up to some other ridiculous scheme. She is no better than you. Think of this in an objective sense, no matter WHAT you did to him, no matter how much he cared for you, the way he treated you was WRONG. The kind of person that would treat another person the way he treated you is not a good person. Best wishes for a narc free new year! xoxoxo *hugs*

#9 Jan 4 - 1AM (Reply to #27)

freaked

Gravity....

Darling Gravity, I am so thankful that today I DONT CARE about what he does or does not with the ow. the ow is not the issue... the issue is the narc. I am so crystal clear about this today....sometimes, I mentally thank the string of ow since past 20 yrs... who singularly and collectively helped me gain the mental strength reqd for survival. I don't even care to blame the stupid narc anymore...have reached a strange phase in my healing...where I am just unable to blame ANYBODY....... I am TOO WEARY FOR RANCOUR. I just want to LIVE IN PEACE.... Heaven only knows whether i can have the wherewithal for that Lisa, Goldie, Scoop.... today I apologise for arguing with yu... in the beginning this is what you had advised me...but it has taken me 6 months to reach the realisation. the truth has certainly set me free.......... but now I want TOTAL FREEDOM...... i don't want to be chained down anywhere or by anyone anymore....

#10 Jan 4 - 7PM (Reply to #28)

Gravity

Freaked

Freaked, That is SO wonderful to hear! I was here for quite some time as well before it finally registered, but once it did there was NO going back. I think a lot of times we can comprehend this stuff on a logical level but not quite on an emotional level. It definitely takes time for your heart to digest all of this along with our heads. Admiring your strenght! xoxoxo *hugs*

#11 Jan 3 - 7PM

tresor2

The mask

stays on as long as it takes to get and maintain whatever they're after...money, status, sex, connections, real estate, housing and on and on. It has nothing to do with the OW or YOU; it all has to do with what they are after. This is hard to understand at first but, it was never about you. There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong. I know how much it hurts but never forget you were dealing with a sicko; a sadistic narcissist who cannot relate to your pain and who simply does not care. Of course they're going to pour it on with anyone new. They're not going to snag anyone if they act like assholes from day one. That's part of the game. After that, there are many variables that come into play to determine how long they maintain their act. My N once told me all he cares about is money. I later found out that his multiple lives included having relationships with rich women who could provide him with loans, help him with getting his book published and those he could convince to invest in real estate with him. Of course he treats them well; nobody is going to loan money to psycho. Guess what happened in the end...he lost everything due to GREED, bad investments and bad timing. The rich ex is suing him and he will lose his house. I have no doubt he'll find another rich woman to bail him out. I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HE WILL LEARN A LESSON AND CHANGE BEHAVIOR. I was the small fish with not enough money and status, and was therefore tossed back into the ocean. He selected the BIG fish and both are now suffering. He would never listen to me and if he had, he wouldn't be near bankruptcy. Oh well. So you see, they live a lie. They don't know how to take the honest route; the route of truth, honesty, integrity, grace and faith. It's normal to obsess, especially when they've showered you with cruel and hurtfull statements but, remember, all that was was them projecting their wounded sickness on you. The intent was to hurt you and keep you guessing. None of it was true.

#12 Jan 3 - 7PM (Reply to #20)

HardToBelieve

Money.

This is my ex-narc in a nutshell. He said the only thing in life that matters something to him is money. He said he dated millionaire's before he met me. He talked about investing in real estates and wanted me to work for his company (sounds positive yes) but it was all about helping HIS company bloom, not earning anything from it myself of course. Too bad they don't change. I would like them to one day realize they've made huge mistakes, finacially, emotionally, morally...

#13 Jan 4 - 1AM (Reply to #25)

ifinallygotit

I think they know they made mistakes

When they lose all their money, fame, etc. BUT they do not care to change their tactics and character - they are fine with it and I think they just accept the consequences of it (losses) rather than consider a change. it takes pain and humility to have a spiritual shift in thinking - i don't think they are wired to do it. When they screw up and fail, they just lay low and wait for the next victim to help them run the same old game.

#14 Jan 3 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

tresor2

HTB

N's lack insight and therefore, cannot relate to how their behavior affects others. They are arrogant and believe that whatever goes wrong is someone else's fault. If one thinks they're perfect and incapable of mistakes, there's no motivation to change. To face themselves will be their demise...they can't go there. The defense system is made of steel. Therefore, they don't learn from their mistakes so there's no reason to change. They simply switch partners.

#15 Jan 3 - 8PM (Reply to #22)

HardToBelieve

Facing their fears.

Do you ever think there's any given time in life when they actually have to face reality and face themselves? Maybe not now but maybe when they're old, ill or on their deathbed? Or when family members leave them? Maybe they might not change but is there ever a time in their life when they are brave enough to admit to themselves that their life is a total lie?

#16 Jan 3 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

tresor2

HTB, Anything is possible.

But, I think it's a rare occurance for a N to actually face themselves. My N was brought to his knees...he is no longer a millionaire and his assets are gone but, I'm not aware of any change. He blames everyone else for his misfotune. The literature says many N's die alone and their symptoms get worse with age. I've heard that prisoners with PD have changed but, only if they've served more than 10 years. When it comes to psychology, there are no absolutes. Everything has an opposite. If you believe in a higher power, then you know anything is possible...whether a N will ever change is unlikely; pathological means permanent, more or less. But, I'm sure there are exceptions; there are so many variables. Please don't waste your precious time hoping yours will be the exception. Just keep working on you and life will unfold the way its supposed to.

#17 Jan 4 - 8AM (Reply to #24)

HardToBelieve

True

Interesting thing about being in prison and changing, I guess it's because they are forced to change their ways because they realize they aren't getting anymore narcissistic supply? But 10 years is a long time... True. I should stop thinking of him and focusing on me. I find myself going crazy analyzing too much..

#18 Jan 3 - 7PM

HardToBelieve

Future partner.

I used to think he was going to treat another woman better than me. But now I only believe so for two reasons: 1. The woman would be submissive and do everything he asks her to do. 2. She accepts anything bad he does to her. So in that sense he would treat her better because she would never object to anything! He would always get his way and be happy! Because he would want to be together with someone who would never question his authority. But in the long run, who would stand to live like that? And who would secondly even want to be that woman? We should be grateful we are not that woman! The only way they would live ''happily ever after'' is if she resigned her former life and devoted her every waking hour to serving his needs like a slave, which she will most likely not do if she is a smart person. So she will get tired of him, whether that's within the next month or in ten years.. But surely, once she does protest he isn't going to take it lighly and that's when she knows what she is up against! I used to feel sad by the thought of him treating another woman better than me or treating his EX better than me, but if he honestly treated his EX better than me surely they would still be together? But his EX is a bitch according to him so I reckon they weren't too happy.

#19 Jan 3 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

tresor2

They will eventually dump

and loose respect for anyone submissive and for anyone who allows them to do anything to them over time. They will get bored with a doormat and move on to someone who at least wiggles. Even submissive people snap and commit violent crimes against their abusers...I'm sure there are plenty of narcs walking around without a penis right now. Another outcome is that the submissive dies. Toxic relationships kill. Either way you look at it, these types of relationships never end well.

#20 Jan 5 - 3AM (Reply to #18)

ifinallygotit

tresor2

I learn so much from your posts. thank you!

#21 Jan 3 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

HardToBelieve

Yes.

You're right. Come to think of it, my ex-narc was unhappy with me standing up for myself and speaking what was on my mind but he also detested me for being submissive, keeping my mouth shut and agreeing to everything he said. So in conclusion, nothing I did was ever good enough. I wonder why these lonely pathetic souls don't just live in celibacy isolated far from civilization. Oh yeah, they might die if they were forced to do that. Bloodsucking animals.

#22 Jan 3 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Dee30

Tresor2

omg Tresor2 u r rite on. my exhusband tried to kill me when i was trying to leave him. And with my xnarc bf i was the doormat, i was submissive, and when he D&D i snapped i really wanted to plunge a knife thru him for the pain he caused me. Thank God i didn't, but I cant totally see how this turns deadly...

#23 Jan 3 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

tresor2

Deadly

I'm glad you didn't act on it but, we all have a breaking point if pushed far enough. There are many women in prison for committing violence against their abusers. Some have gotten away with it based on the battered women syndrome defense. The first 24 hours after leaving an abuser are the most dangerous. That's why getting support and help is always necessary and recommended. Years ago, I too had thoughts of blowing away N #1. I felt there was no way out but, luckily, I got rid of him by filing a restraining order.

#24 Jan 3 - 3PM

Goldie

No, what you see is what you get.

They have a PD; everyone gets to sample the abuse; not just you. God bless, Goldie

#25 Jan 3 - 2PM

jackguy

No

They don't. All the n's described on here have had ample opportunity to witness the pain and devastation their behaviour causes to others and the impact it has on them...they have no interest in changing. They don't care about people at all...we are only interchangeable objects to them. I found this difficult to accept about my own exn at first but as time has passed and I have had more nc...the realisation hits home.

#26 Jan 3 - 1PM

Hunter

Idealize,devalue, discard..

Idealize,devalue, discard.. Rinse and Repeat... They have a Disorder.. Hunter

#27 Jan 3 - 12PM

needing2know

Dee30

Yes in the beginning he will treat her better, do you know why? because every loving thing he LEARNED from you while he was with you he will use on her, just like they do to us, they turn on the charm and make us THINK they are the greatest thing next to peanut butter. (I hate peanut butter) lol but I can tell you from what I have seen and heard with my own eyes it will not last! She will actually get it worse than you did, when his true self comes back out, she will be where you are. Try to focus on yourself and not what he is doing and who he is doing it with, trust me it's not you, all the BS is him and what he really is. They really don't get better with each girl, they get worse. Take to heart everything you are told here and do the work, in time I swear you will get to a better place within yourself. He took a lot out of you as our narcs did us, but if you do the work and you truly stay NC at all costs you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong I know it is so hard and you have a right to have all the feelings and thoughts you are having, it's ok, but please stay NC first and for most, no matter that he throws your way. He just told you she is better because he wanted to hurt you , don't take anything he says to heart, he will get his in the end! And sadly so will she. A person can only put up with so much and she will be the next victim unfortunately.Stay strong, you are soworth the wonderful outcome of all this if you do the work, it's up to you.

#28 Jan 3 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

bgirl

omg needing to know he

omg needing to know he actually SAID to me when he left me....you're such an amazing person...i've learned so much from you. So the SOB took everything from me to put in his arsenal to use down the track? i feel like throwing up! :(

#29 Jan 3 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

needing2know

Thats what they do, but

Thats what they do, but again, the mask will fall!

#30 Jan 3 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

Dee30

Needing2know thank u

Thanks to everyone on this forum I was strong enough to initiate NO contact. otherwise i wud have NeveR have had the strength to even do that. I have my house phone number not changed yet just my cell. but thats changing today as well. U r rite. I am going to remind myself that its HIM not me. Its just because all throughout my marriage to a narcissist and to my current exnarc bf i was told it was ME. but then of course he is a NARC, thats how their thinking is! some days i wanna kick myself for not getting out sooner than i did. but i can say i am lucky i got out anyways..I am waiting and going to work on the light at the end of the tunnel..thank you guys!

#31 Jan 3 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

needing2know

we allknow how you feel, if

we allknow how you feel, if it wasn't for this forum and all the wonderful people and advise, I would have went after that SOB again and I would still be in a mess! He would still be doing the damage! But I am out, 5 months NC and I can tell you it gets better, just trust yourself and do the work, love yourself!

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