Talk sense to me please: think N did a drive through when I agreed to meet him...

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#1 Jul 1 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

Talk sense to me please: think N did a drive through when I agreed to meet him...

Of course you all were right. I think I got sucked right back into believing the magical nonsense when I agreed to meet my N when he showed up 11 months after moving away and abandoning me. We had a romantic dinner out and he acted totally in love with me for 6 hours...we talked of spending some time together later this summer - we talked of healing - I said I did not know if it was possible. I said lets see if we can be friends...secretly hoping he would fight for me.
He clung to me for hours (no sex - just hugs and kissing) - he did not want to leave.
He then left town without saying good bye. Since he went back East, I have received only two texts.
A "thank you" for wishing him happy father's day and a "enjoy the sunshine" text because I am on vacation. I have sent much friendlier texts...he has never called - I have called him to say goodbye before I flew on long trip.
He has NEW hooker looking girls on his FB, even grosser than the one I saw last Jan. It appears he added a new bar lady to FB while in town visiting for that week, someone about 30 years younger, stupid, illiterate, stumpy, same thing with tight short cheap clothes, heavy make-up...Yet I was his his only ever long term girlfriend (I am nice looking, educated and natural - look like a politician's wife if you know what I mean).
Looks are not the point - he totally is still on his image, ego trip and I thought he was being sincere with me! I swear I really thought he still was madly in love with me! He insisted he has no girlfriend, and this I believe! Instead, he has numerous bar hoes!! He has made no attempt to make me feel he really cares about whether we ever see each other again. He is CRAZY. If you could have seen him, just hugging me like a baby and saying he has no idea why he let us break up. Please help me not be crazy too!!! I have to say that I am doing well, despite this second round of cruel treatment because I did so much work all winter reading and letting go, and I really did not expect he would follow through but I thought maybe a little effort would be made to keep contact - but no, I do not exist again...I am still thinking of moving but it is harder now to be excited aafter letting myself see him - if I move there will be even less chance of ever seeing him. I cannot handle finality yet but I am not devastated like January...
If I see him this summer, I don't want you guys to give up on me, I got it bad because I think he does love me - but why do I even want to be near a crazy person?? but I do.

#2 Jul 2 - 9AM

onwithmylife

Ifinallygotit, have you

thought about therapy, it could be the turnaround for YOU, because you still seem totally hungup on him, it is like your head knows but your heart is totally struggling, the more you contact him and expect him to act normal, the more your life is being wasted on him ,when you could be out there enoying yourself and even meeting a nice,normal man. I spent over 2 years after the breakup trying to contact him and make him see the light, IT WILL SIMPLY NOT WORK, i do hope you see out a professional, someone well versed in NPD.I did on numerous times and it was very helpful.It sounds to me like you are trying desperately to change someone who will never change, very sad.

#3 Jul 2 - 6AM

ruby01 (not verified)

He knows exactly what he is doing

and it has nothing to do with love. He knows what makes you tick and the only heart involved is yours. Pleeease protect it! If I know anything its that the more you accept and excuse the things they do the stronger they get and the weaker you get. IT ONLY GETS WORSE FOR YOU GUARANTEED. When you first started seeing him you were aware something was a bit odd but then YOU modified your behavior to keep things going with him. If you think back before the N on previous relationships maybe you will remember what a real one is like. Because you have lived your life worrying he will never come back if you do what YOU want to do I think you have maybe forgotten what it is that YOU really love to do. Him telling you "No you won't move." Screw that. It's just an obvious mind f-ck for his benefit only. Imagine how puffed up it makes him to think I can just stop in and see Ifinallygotit when I'm in her town and keep her stuck there just waiting for me to pass by again while her life passes her by. He doesn't care. You know it is messed up because you are trying to stop so that is a big step be glad that you are not 10 years back. It will continue until you stop it because he is perfectly happy with the way things are. You have moved forward. Now is the time to shut the door and LOCK it. You can do it. Think only about yourself. If you have to write a letter maybe do as others say, write it and post it here. Don't send it to him he will make a mockery of it and throw it in the trash. You are moving forward and that's fantastic just keep going! xxx,Ruby

#4 Jul 2 - 1AM

girlsinger

I would never evebn think I had that power

Hi The ball is in your court precious One You were given all of the seeds you will need for the journey of this life its YOU that must water them.., I suggest you begin listen, breaking an addiction especially the N addiction is a golden opportunity to take that and grow or to be in reverse this time next year your choice so, there are no magic words, I can say Im just one more girl who was deeply and unspeakably wounded by a Narc so I certainly dont have any potions or incantations to offer in fact no other person but YOU can choose your life or, you can do what you have been doing choose HIS life all healing begins with one concept "Im done" and you have to really feel that way then you must be willing to plow headlong into the ocean of healing of surrender but first the courage to detox. you must be willing to give up his magical Misery tour and I will pray for you...I wish this for you. wow I wouldnt accept "enjoy the sunshine" from anyone especially a narc not now, seriously, what kind of statement is that anyway now he really knows you will accept anything I dont need anyone to command me to enjoy the sunshine the sun shines for me without the N the sun shines, for us all....period he's telling you that because he sure is enjoying the sunshine'the rain the fog without YOU, that is for sure Im tempted to say "Im sorry" that there is nothing I can do or say that would change your mind but the truth is that Im glad there is nothing I can say because even if I could (which I cannot) that would cheat you out of your healing and all healing is an opportunity for enligtenment we were born alone and will die alone unless we are with a narc then we get to live alone while alive only we are really dead with them irressistable, isnt it? as they say in the "course in Miracles": whatever brings you to your knees is your entrance into heaven.. maybe you prefer N-hell, sounds like it no shame in that, lots of folks do they are just not finished not broken enough havent lost all yet they still cling to the promise that NEVER delivers they think they have hit thier "bottom" but sometimes "bottom has a basement" please think long and hard please do your best for you just like you did for Mr. wonderful, 50year old ( you do realize you will be his nurse soon) and even if his highness did take you back how could you imagine coping with his MONSTEROUS PERSONALITY! wow hey, what's another decade? I have given you all I know, I promise Im sure the other precious ones here will also give you thier best as well so where are you going to be next 4th of july? looking through facebook to see who he's screwing ? wow, now, that sounds like too much FUN! as I said ball is in your court... be blessed K

#5 Jul 1 - 11PM

ifinallygotit

your comments are helping

Please keep on helping me break this crazy addiction - it was the hugs and kisses that got me all bent out shape. it feels like we belong together when we hold each other. Reality is what you say: he is not even thinking of you!!! (that would be me!) Night

#6 Jul 1 - 11PM

girlsinger

no I dont

Hi "he just loves me and I know you know what I mean" you know what I swear, there was a time I did know what you mean then my life, my health, my future took first place and Dr Narc had to get off my bus he no longer deserved my fingernail clipping much less my heart I no longer know the secret handshake, so Im sorry I dont know what you mean because, I no longer abuse myself, and am not available to be used as a "disposable" he dosent think of you as the GF over there but maybe you need to re-visit hell on earth so that its really clear for you maybe im all wrong..he's worth another 10 years only you can decide that. all I can do is share with you that Ive been to the war and there are no sights to be seen no joy to be found no love no security..all win for him...all lose for me so, no deal Im not going to finish raising a little cute boy I like men grown up's its just not "cute" anymore and Dr Narc he is wildly successful, a genuis...that's fine I bless him but have no idea what that has to do with me with my life my needs my soul I have a destiny to embrace, enough already you seem determined that you have not had enough agony in my deepest heart I wish different for you I really do please know that but how do you save someone from themselves? I know all to well I cant for me, this healing from the N wound is an "opportunity" for a ladder out of hell do you think Im going to say no to that for a boy? a mean, but smiling little boy? not gonna happen please google "oxytocin" the bonding hormone you are chemically bonded that is what all that cuddling is about it takes 2 years of no taste, smell, touch, hearing thats what I meant about courage do you have the courage to see what awaits you? or is going back to a past that "really never was " enough? hey maybe it is for you who am I to say? we were all were addicted some of us refuse to be addicted anymore (BTW the word addict comes from a word that means "slave" got sick of being addicted so, some of us took "the cure" no matter how tough the pain we went through the detox it was hell but a different hell than with the N this is a hell that has an end, a beauitful light a bright future, a fair chance at love N hell...has no end N hell is an illusion N-hell is a prelude to the real hell that is what addiction is all about illusion I found that I loved reality even with its wierd & painful , raw days because they were ALL wierd days with the N N's hate beauty in all forms they hate your beauty, they will only take yours from you and trash you when they are finished but with a smile, of course! epsecially if it ever becomes about you (heaven forbid) well it's all about me now yes, its the hardest road I have ever traveled I love it just the way it is just the way its not Im so exhausted to think that I even spent that much time with a deeply disordered covert N they are the meanest and in that offhanded painful way they think nothing of trashing you after 10 years no explanation nessasary you know in the 2 years with Dr Narc I called him a total of 2 tiimes he callled me 3-4 times a day drove cross town daily to see me after long surguries but he was still a covert N-the deadly ones maybe your cool with the crumbs maybe you will take crumbs I cant live on crumbs I didnt know that before I do now... good night be blessed K

#7 Jul 1 - 10PM

gettinbetter

Ok Sweets. Here it goes. HE

Ok Sweets. Here it goes. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU BECAUSE HE CANT. HE JUST CANT. He can be fond of you, infatuated with you, enjoy your company, be super attracted to you but thats it. They do not have the ability to love. Love involves attachment. These people cannot attach thats why people seem as objects to them. They simply cant attach. Thats why you can have a romantic evening with them and then they dissapear. There is no attachment. They simply go Ok that was fun. Geez I really like I finally got it but tonite Im in the mood for someone else. They can turn it off and on for someone just like a light switch because they are not attached to you or anyone else for that matter only themselves. Please tell you are not considering moving to this mans city? for that would like throwing yourself under a bus. In order for you to heal and move on from this you have to come to accept that he does not love you. If you keep entertaining thoughts that he did or does its going to keep you stuck. In this case hope is your worst enemy You're a junkie and until you decide that 8 hours of feeling high isnt worth the months you endure of pain and suffering you are gonna be stuck. As long as you keep taking a hit your gonna be stuck. As long as you entertain thoughts that I think he really love me etc... your gonna be stuck. I had to learn this the hard way. Dont make it any harder on yourself than it already is. You know you cant have any real relationship with this man. So whats the point in talking to or see him? The point of it is that you needed a fix. This is filling a need in you. Fill up with something else anything. You keep filling it with a random visit from this guy and you will feel nothing by emptiness that you will never have satisfied as life passes you by.

#8 Jul 1 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

ifinallygotit

yes time has passed by

wasted 10 years - half the time in pain as he went hot and cold - just had worse year of my life recovering from the pain of his abandonment. i am doing better. I guess I relapsed when he came to town. now I started texting him again - I must stop. We talked of seeing each other this ssummer - never of me moving to his city. But secretly, I have thought of moving back to the city I was born in, where I still have family, partially to be near family and partially to be a 5 hour car drive from him instead of on opposite coasts. Before he visited me in June, I was all excited about starting a new life in a tropical place where I could pursue a sport that is my passion and run my business long distance and possibly open a satellite there. But since I spent time with him, I am losing the courage to move to a strange place where I don't know anyone and be even farther away from him. he will always return to the city I am in where he has family. he was born there and loves it. When I told him I was thinking of moving he went into total denial and said "No, you are not moving anywhere" and changed the subject. he could not deal with it. Maybe he does not love me but we are both having a hard time letting go... Good bye still is a painful word. Maybe I can do it but cannot say it.

#9 Jul 2 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

Done sourcing

You said, " When I told him I

You said, " When I told him I was thinking of moving he went into total denial and said "No, you are not moving anywhere" and changed the subject. he could not deal with it. Maybe he does not love me but we are both having a hard time letting go..." Please stop now. You are already planning a visit this summer, and then telling us to accept you back after. They accept all who come here, sick or getting better. I know I came here sick...and sick and tired...and willing to do anything to have a happy life...and I read what you guys wrote...and I changed the way I acted...and it helped...then I became willing to not talk to the exwn at all..I mean at all...and we have a kid that we share with 50/50 custody...most here don't have that challenge...and I don't even talk to her...I don't answer when she calls, and she does...I don't listen to the voice mails, ever...pain in the ass...I text only..and wish I didn't even have to do that...she uses texting, knowing I have to look, sometimes to give me necessary info about the kid and arrangemtns etc, sometimes just to screw with me...I pray before I read...I call a friend immediately after reading to decompress if she throws shit sandwiches my way...and I go on with my day. But I am done supplying...you my friend aren't. You need to be...no good will come to you through any contact with him...that is reality. Slinger is right, at some point to get better we just have to suck it up, feel the pain, and ride the wave out of hell. Contact will never give you anything but misery...hell is hell...I hope you do really finally get it, you are owned by this guy, for nothing...time starts to look more and more precious, and you are giving him so so so much time, it is sad...please stop giving him your time, use it wisely instead. Don't call, don't answer, don't text, don't read, don't respond, don't waste your life! You are worth so much more, and if you don't believe it then you need to see a therapist, because maybe you lost your way a little bit, and therapy will help you get back on track. We all need help, just not from you know who!

#10 Jul 1 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

gettinbetter

you gotta get tough and say

you gotta get tough and say no more! He gets not one more day one more hour or even one more minute of my life. He has already wasted 10 years of my life and he gets no more. Hes not having a tough time letting go. He left and has barely had contact with you. He told you some sweet things in the moment and he may have meant them at that moment in time but now that moment is gone and he is having new moments with a new flavor of ice cream. You are having a hard time letting go but HE IS NOT. I know its hard to accept. I have known mine since age 17 and we are now 44. I have been pregnant with his child. We lived 2 miles from each other. We went to neighboring high schools and went to college together. After college we worked at the same firm together he swore up and down that he would love me for the rest of his life no matter what yet he managed to tell me in a TEXT MESSAGE that hes getting married and this only 4 months after he had planned to come spend a week with me and saying how I made him happy and he really wanted to work on things and how much he loves me. I MEAN REALLY???? If you want to beat this addiction, you have stay grounded in reality. You cant indulge your thoughts in romantic fantasies. The reality is that he left you and didnt give it another thought. He is not sitting at home pining over I finally got it. He simply came into town and thought hmmmm maybe Ill call her to hang out and I know shell make me feel special. Yes I will call I finallygotit and so the wonderful evening began and when ended he was like ok I feel special. I really like Ifinallygotit but Im going home now. Outta sight outta mind. Next.....

#11 Jul 1 - 9PM

Deidre40

I'm so sorry. :=( In reading

I'm so sorry. :=( In reading through this--I read it twice--I can't help but wonder, despite all I've learned about narcs...why did your ex do this? I mean, do they sometimes need ''supply'' that badly that they go to great lengths to pretend like this? Do they believe their lies? See, this is why NC is sooooo crucial. Seriously. It's not only to protect us from future hurts...but also, to shield us from all the crazy making questions that accompany breaking NC. The three or four times in what has it been...nearly three months of being broken up with the N...I always ended up like you are here. Questioning. Reeling with questions. Was I the crazy one? Is he telling people bad things about me? What did he MEAN BY THAT? On and on it would go. So, NC is the ONLY ONLY ONLY way to avoid all that. It's not about ignoring them. It's about regaining your strength and sense of self worth back. I didn't realize it extended to leaving websites you might belong to together, being on FB, lurking on things you know he's on...etc. But, now I grasp the need to avoid any and all places they might be lurking. I still lurk on that website we belong to. I have posted recently...but, made the decision (again) today to leave it for good. No more. He can carry on like the clown he is on there...it makes me sick that he thinks he is a king (he really does) and his minions are his kingdom. *eye roll* But, suffice to say. NC in ALL FORMS is the only way to break free of the horrible bondage we're in. It really is. It hurts at first. But, over time...and not as much time as one might think, if you're truly committed to the work of NC and living a new and refreshing life...you will get over this individual. I pray for my ex N. He is such a good actor. He pretends very well. In reading a few things he wrote today...he would come off slick, polished...and then he'd slide a nasty zinger in for my benefit. They don't change. They just have to replace who is in the kingdom, every now and then. lol {{hugs}} we are here for you, don't forget that.

#12 Jul 1 - 9PM

girlsinger

Ifinallygot it

Hi There I dont think there is any question that he loves you its just that its like a 5 or 6 year old, though he loves you for that minute, those 10 years and then when something else that is shiny comes along he loves that too much much more than you in fact you are forgotten completely if you are cool with being in a realtionship with someone that is 6 mentally and has NPD have at it... what I fear for you is that he has now been away and he sees that you are not confrontive in even an understandable way you will take his punishment, do his bidding and you will be his punching bag, his doormat you already proved that so remember the next D&D DEVALUATION & DISCARD will make this one look like disneyland there is a deeply disordered man inside there I just wonder why you want to cling to something that is so dead to continue breathing life into a past that is over like a dollar that is spent, at some point you would be wise to grieve but you want to keep the body on "ice" think about it, if someone can let you go after a decade, he will gladly let you go again, no problem only this time it will be way easier, and more FUN for him devestating for you. because he knows you dont have any dignity left he sees you as desperate he sees you as a mommie one that will love him no matter what, NO CONDITIONS because. if you did have your dignity you would not have let him rape you of it when when he dumped you and left you crying and in so much pain really..is anyone worth this? I would at least be in in-depth therapy if I were you if you are going back to him either way, you may want to consider it and find out what it is about myself that would let a man do this and be so "silent" I'd say that you are silent because you are afraid that if you speak up it will really be over its already over, really..more than over its been over since he was with the other women maybe even before...you dont really know but for sure, when he shows the world the proof photos on facebook wow what more do you need? what are you waiting for? him marrying one of them? I dont mean to be rough I just hear you and get it and I care...I know what its like to be devestated I also know what its like to recover myself its very hard work its my "holy" work to have self respect and dignity again maybe for the very first time, in this really honest way maybe this isnt the answer you want to hear Im sorry but you did ask so I did my best to answer from deep inside my soul we will be here if you decide to go back but my Lord I wonder if your womanhood your personhood can take and should take this soul rotting abuse like I said perhaps at least therapy you could really sustain alot of damage here damage that cannot be worked out on a website I hope you get in with someone good that can get to the bottom of your blindspot we all have one that is why they call it BLIND got courage? be blessed K

#13 Jul 1 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

ifinallygotit

yes I do have courage

I do have soldier like qualities, in addition to taking years of shit off of him. I am in therapy (but need more but my funds are not great this summer) and she thinks he will do the exact same thing - want to have fun, not talk in depth about our issues and periodically disappear. I did talk with him about him having casual sex this year he was gone and that I would not sleep with him unless we got back together and he had an STD test - he seemed to respect this - but like you said, he knows I love him and have been way too easy on him - he was just glad for the drama of seeing me, the romantic kisses all that stuff he loves - the early stage of the game- he does not want the real thing, a solid committed relationship. I have no idea why he tried for so long to pretend to have one with me... I am thinking of writing him a letter and saying everything I have never said to him about how he devastated me. He truly does not have a clue and was all fun and games, although he panicked a few hours before he met me at the restaurant (no control over how it would go or how I would act). Of course once he saw I was happy to see his face, all the charm resumed, sweet, soft spoken, affectionate....I am addicted. We were absoutely wonderful together. I feel bad for me, I really do. The hooker on FB is not his GF or someone he would marry. He is such a screwed up Narc, and he lost all his years of fame, he was trying to prove to the "boys" he is "back". When we were together all those years, he really never liked it when I called him and rarely picked up. but if his "boys" were there with him, he ALWAYS picked up and talked in a fake flirtatious way with me to impress them that a woman was calling him! I know this is sick because he is in his 50's with this nonsense. I knew what he was doing, but I felt sorry for him that he went from being rich and famous to poor and unemployed and so I played along with it, thinking he was insecure and needed this ego boost - no idea he was NPD. I am really not the door mat type and early in the relationship broke up with him as soon as he was rude and neglected me. Later on, I accepted his weirdness more as "we" fell more in love. I think you are saying some important things to me: If he could dump you after 10 years, think how easy he could dump you after a year away with a new life in a new city screwing new women - makes sense that he could easily compartmentalize and see me as "over there" on a shelf while he goes back to his new life and ladies. I would never be with him sexually again if plays the field. In reality, we were not married or living together but we were exclusive. After we broke up, he did have a right to screw the moon if he wanted to - but where he was wrong is he never told me it was over long distance and that I was free to see new people too - he just went silent. I do think in his crazy mind I am still the GF and he is taking care of his needs - it is very disgusting to think about and I know it would take a miracle for me to ever trust him again or feel secure that he would not shut down - I know the future would be bleak for us even if he commits simply because he despises true intimacy and being accountable to someone - but in some weird way, he just loves me and I know you know what I mean. Besides being this ex-famous public person with a huge ego and huge need to maintain a false image, he is a also a quiet, homey type and I think that side of him, would like to have a real GF, not a bar hooker to flash on FB to show he is still Mr. Big. It is so awful, because I am a normal person, not a public figure like him. I don't even want to be a part of his fake life. I think I will probably write the letter, saying everything I have felt and need as a women and then never hear from him again as it will scare him to death. I am not afraid of losing him because I know I never had him. He would never have let me go like this if he really valued me. I don't mean to brag but other than having a really bad codependent relationship with him, I have WAY more to offer another human than he has. Thank you for helping me, I do believe you get me and get this. I do love him unconditioanally but not enough to throw myself under the bus.

#14 Jul 1 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

Forgive me, but I'm just

Forgive me, but I'm just trying to understand. You're not ever going back with this man, right?

#15 Jul 1 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

ifinallygotit

I am wrestling with conflicted feelings

we live on opposite coasts right now - I don't think he would ever do what is needed to bring us together - I think he would just want to see me every now and then and pretend we are still going together, have romantic sex and then disappear - I am struggling with wanting to see him again. Spending those intense 6 hours with him has made me long to be with him - we had a wonderful time. But now I know all about Narcville. if I didn't study all this, I would probably already had sex with him and be planning how to be with him. Instead, I have both feelings - the longing for him but the knowledge of the ass kicking that awaits me. Maybe he is doing the honest thing - screwing women casually there and saying he does not want a GF. He knows deep down he hurt me and maybe he knows he cannot do relationships. On a positive note, I live in two places and am on vacation in the warm place and have a tight community of friends here and having a wonderful time. I almost never miss him when I am here but when I go back to the city where we shared 10 years I miss him badly. I also do not like the city but have a business there - complicated life style and I am working on a possible major life change - not easy.

#16 Jul 1 - 8PM

Sparrow

I am so sorry that you that

I am so sorry that you that you have to endure this pain all over again. Don't be too hard on yourself, you did what you felt you needed to do. I believe we want to hold on to what we once knew, or what we once believed. That is very natural........just know now that it isn't real, at least not for him. It is very real for you though unfortunately. All you can do is start over with NC and continue to reach out. You will be fine in time. Hang in there kiddo! We are all here for you!

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