Taking it personal - where I'm at

This part is proving to be quite the leap for me. And I'm a bit torn up about it. I read and reread the posts and they are sort of clicking with, but I continue to have this unlying thought of "why does he insist on doing this to me?"

I have been told by people outside of this forum to "stop analyzing it". And to not give up trying. By that they mean don't just throw away all things in my life that I have "fear" he may decide to show up at. They told me to keeping putting my foot forward and one day I will be able to get in the door without an anxiety attack.

I get that. It seems like an awful lot of effort on my part. Which I think sucks and is not fair. I base this thought on my other thought of he is probably prancing in the door KNOWING if I show up his presence is going to mess with my serenity level.

Don't take it personal. It's not personal. It's one of the tenets of the disorder. Yes, he is doing it on purpose, but no, he doesn't know right from wrong so this doesn't register as a wrong behavior. The same way having sex with me while wooing the OW was "I've done nothing wrong". He does not see it at wrong. He is not normal. His is disordered. Apparently VERY disordered.

The way my head seems to work is I have to find more stuff to read about possibly sociopathic narcs so that I can get some heavy hits on this one part about the seemingly intentional personal attacks.

I have to keep telling myself.... it's all about getting source with him.

I have to keep telling myself....you already know round3. You already have enough information. Give the healing time. It won't come overnight. Babysteps....

I have to keep praying for indifference.

round3