Swan's post on filling the void and inner happiness/lets dialog about this very important topic

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#1 Jun 4 - 11AM

Goldie

Swan's post on filling the void and inner happiness/lets dialog about this very important topic

The Cause Of Inner Emptiness

There is only one thing that truly fills the emptiness. Love. There is only one cause of inner emptiness: a lack of love.

But it is not a lack of someone else's love that causes your emptiness. Inner emptiness is caused by self-abandonment -- by not loving yourself.

Inner emptiness comes from a lack of connection with your spiritual source of love -- from not opening to the love-that-is-God and bringing that love to yourself through true thought and loving action in your own behalf.

When you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by staying in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.

Your ego-wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame -- that you are intrinsically flawed.

These are programmed beliefs that have no basis in truth, but they may be running your life. When you believe that you are not good enough, then you turn to others and to addictions to try to feel okay -- to fill the emptiness that you are causing with your self-judgment/self-abandonment.

Filling Your Inner Emptiness: Learning To Love Yourself

The truth of who you are comes only from your personal source of spiritual guidance -- whatever that is for you. When you open to learning with a source of higher guidance about the truth of who you are, and about what is loving action toward yourself and others, you open to the love-that-is-God coming into your heart and filling your inner emptiness.

This occurs when you shift your attention -- from protecting against pain and avoiding responsibility for your feelings through your addictive and controlling behaviors -- to learning, with your higher guidance, about what is loving to yourself and others.

Today, choose the intent to learn with your higher guidance about truth and about loving yourself -- even if you don't believe that anything is there to answer you -- and see what happens. You might start to feel full of love inside!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D

~Hope it helps!
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#2 Jun 5 - 6PM

gettinbetter

YES!

Both my therapist and my shrink told me this very thing. He said this is more about you than him. He told me Im in the middle of a storm and when you are in the middle of a storm you hunker down. You dont go out in the storm. For me this was all rooted in codependency it just was or is. I mean one word or lack there of could determine how was going to feel on any given day.

#3 Jun 4 - 1PM

janine

Looking outside for what is inside

Reflecting through the Narc what was wrong with me got me on the way to healing. Instead of enriching my life he took so much that I felt empty and drained. Of course I was drained, since I'd been giving my energy away trying to take care of him instead of myself. The day my therapist said that though my childhood had left a trauma I had too many inner riches to ever be as empty and lonely as the Narc was a turning point. I was suddenly able to see how right he was. That an empty person could not have led such an intense and joyful life. Otherwise my life would have been as shallow as the Narc's. That a lot of loss and grief within a short period of time had made me let in a person I'd otherwise not have touched with a bargepole. From there on it was an uphill climb. I'm learning to be as confident on the inside as I had always appeared to others. I am letting myself be who I am without judging. There's a Chinese proverb that when the pupil is ready to learn the teacher will appear. The good that has come of the Narc is that he taught me what not to be but also to have some healthy narcissistic qualities I had not been permitted to have as a child. Whenever I have prayed for guidance some new teacher showed me part of the way. I believe we can only love others if we love ourselves.

#4 Jun 4 - 12PM

gettinbetter

Yep. With my being a

Yep. With my being a codependent. I am very much like this. I have had a terrible addiction to the Narc. I read once that at the root of all addiction is abandonment. In my case it has been self abandonment. I have now had 2 licensed professionals tell me I suffer from codependency which I already knew. The shrink made the comment that when she says something good about me that I dont accept it. I dismiss it. I say well its because of this or that or the other. She said how about I just said because its true. She said gettinbetter you just dismiss the good things people tell you. She said your to for approval and praise will be insatiable because you never accept the approval and praise. So I guess in a way I understand a Narcs need for supply. I have a need to but mine is inverted to his. I think thats why I have always felt as if he was the Inverted mirror image of me. Back to therapy.....

#5 Jun 4 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Used

gettinbetter

that is an interesting statement..addiction/abandonment, but is it so and what is a codependant, but in a simple way not a complicated way i wont understand..can you give me an example.

#6 Jun 4 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Goldie

I usually don't cite Wiki

However this is an excellent description and it also specifically covers the codependent relationship with the Narc. Interesting read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency God bless, Goldie

#7 Jun 4 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Goldie

Wow that was a very profound statement Gettingbetter

"So I guess in a way I understand a Narcs need for supply. I have a need to but mine is inverted to his. I think that’s why I have always felt as if he was the Inverted mirror image of me." We need so much that we attach ourselves to another who takes so much, somehow thinking that the logical conclusion is that they will give in return which any normal person would. They can't give and we don't get what we need and it is a self-fulfilling prophecy which perpetuates the lie that we are undeserving and we don't get what we need and the pain in our empty hole gets bigger and bigger and it becomes the vicious cycle of abuse and mutual addiction. This becomes the dance of codependency. Wow good stuff, by George, I think we are beginning to get it. You sound good, like you are making huge progress. So difficult to change life patterns, yet well worth the effort. Keep up the good work, you are making major breakthroughs here. God bless, Goldie

#8 Jun 4 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

gettinbetter

Thanks Goldie. I am a

Thanks Goldie. I am a codependent and its just a fact. I dont see it as a dirty word. To me its just a pattern of unhealthy behaviors that need to be corrected. Unfortunately I think there are many on here that probably suffer from this as well. Not everyone but probably quite a few. Codpendents and Narcs are just naturally drawn to eachother. In many ways I was just like him. Suffering from the same core wounds. It just manifest in opposite ways with his being far more toxic than mine but nonetheless the wounds are still the same. We both look outside of ourselves for our worth. The psychiatrist said gettinbetter if everything was ok in your life you wouldnt have taken up with this guy you just wouldnt have and thats a fact. Therapy has been so good for me. I love the board but I have to say it isnt a replacement for good therapy. Im still not over this but Im working hard at. Im doing something about it. Im taking charge of my own emotional health for once.

#9 Jun 4 - 11AM

Goldie

I completely agree with this

This is where I am at now. I no longer look to the Narc for answers, validation, support, sex, happiness, or anything else. Their well is dry. The only one I can fix or fill is myself and this is what most of us come to after all the years of looking outside and looking to them for the solution. I came back to me, to learning about self love, self approval, and getting to be my own friend for a change. The answers do not lie in them, they never did, they lie in our own hearts, self validation, reflection, and self actualization. God bless Goldie

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