Susang's Story

Please help me get to nc

So here is my long sad story. I got involved with my n 2 1/2 years ago. He knew I was married. He had a girlfriend he had been with for 8 years. He is a trainer at my gym. He broke up with his Girlfriend shortly after we got together. Like everyone says -- he seemed terrific in the beginning. Even though we are from 2 different worlds, we seemed so compatible and perfect together. He was attentive an effusive. He was extremely complimentary. Once we started having sex it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I would be out of it for hours afterward. I am not sure when it started to change but he started breaking up with me telling me he was too in love with me to deal with the type of relationship where e couldn't have me full time. The pattern became one where he would breakup and I would call and text for days, telling how great we were together. How we were soulmates, etc. He would then tell me that I was always "keeping him in" and we would be together again. Gradually these breakups started occurring more and more frequently. He also started doing things like giving me the silent treatment and suggesting different men I should get together with so I "could let him go".  We haven't been "together" since november. Really meaning we haven't had sex since then, but we talk and text 100 times a day. We go out to lunch maybe once a week and sometimes he comes to my office so I "can lick his big cock". He is keeping me around until he finds a new supply - i know that.  He is frequently cruel and says mean things.  He told me today that he needs to find a new girlfriend soon because he "really likes to eat pussy". I am embarrassed to say but he calls me slut and whore. He tells me he is better than I am. He is always telling me about girls he thinks are hot and told me he wanted to hit on my Pilates instructor. He tells me I bore him at times and most conversations have become impossible because everything I say is criticized in some way. I find him extremely immature and unsophisticated. He is relatively uninteresting to me. Physically I am not even attracted to him. The only great thing is the sex and I don't even get that anymore. Intellectually I understand it all. When I am with him, I can clearly see that I don't want him, BUT when he rejects me I become this little insecure girl wanting to be loved. It is pathetic. I know nc is what I have tO do but I am not sure I am ready for it. Again I know I really have no other options but just can't find it within myself to do it. I am also very isolated with this for obvious reasons. So that is it in a nutshell. 

I am very nervous about posting. I have that paranoia everyone speaks of -- also I am married so I am concerned about judgement from others. I am trying to get up the courage for nc.   I understand it is the only option but then I get scared. Scared for what I often wonder. That I will miss our great conversations?  We don't have them. That I will miss his kind words?  There are none. That I will miss amazing sex. There is no longer any sex.  He keeps me at arm's length and feeds me crumbs. He moves toward me when he needs to get his fix.  I understand it all yet still can't seem to go nc. Any thoughtS??