Susan32's story

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#1 Apr 26 - 7PM
Susan32
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Susan32's story

The ex-Narc in my life was a professor at my college (and 15 years my senior). I had him for only one class... freshman lab. It started off on the wrong foot. He told me he was writing a book of philosophy, that it would take him a decade to write (it would've hit the presses in '06) Naturally, I bragged to my friends about it (since he didn't tell me to keep it secret). When he found out that I told my friends, he called me "crazy" behind my back,interrogated my pals, and it all started with broken trust. I took him to task for it. He admitted that yes, he had hurt people in his past, and didn't know how to relate to others (understatement)

Over the following 3 years, we spent lots of time together-having lunch, he helped me with my writing, went to concerts/lectures. People assumed we were lovers. I had to deny we were having sex. A LOT. I saw him as a friend,despite his bullying, negative comments, and that he'd call my friends/family "weird." He treated me as a friend. His colleagues seemed to avoid him, for the most part.

Finally, after 3 years, I made myself vulnerable and admitted my feelings for him. I had tried to break it off with him my junior year, asking him if he liked being in my company (he said yes). He practically begged me to still spend time with him,despite the fact he was acting sad&guilty. He acted as if he were hiding something. So, when I revealed it senior year, he took it on himself to berate me in public, often reducing me to tears, and I was the one constantly apologizing. After confessing my feelings, I found out he already had a girlfriend-in LA. I found out he was an inverted narc--the type who constantly drubs himself to get sympathy. When he told me I "didn't appreciate his masks" and basically admitted that it was all an act because he was a "nice guy",I was devastated.

This experience from a decade ago still devastates me. There's also the shame that he was a professor, and I should've known better. It's awkward that my fellow alum and some of my former professors want me to come back to visit. I find the prospect too painful.

My friends who were looking out for me warned me. One of them bluntly called him "the Devil." There are students who thought there was something evil about him. His utter lack of emotion frightened people. It's like everybody else could sense something wrong with him, but I was too smitten.

Am I alone in this?

Apr 27 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Bump for my story

Relevant in a way, considering the 17 year old student who wrote about how a band teacher took advantage of her, impregnated her, and got her an abortion in a school essay. Yet she's being "not so innocent",a slut, and a "woman scorned" (because she found out the teacher was also having sex with her best friend)
Dec 14 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Bumping again...

This is for you, Still Hurting. It better clarifies whatever the hell happened... Too bad Hallmark doesn't make "Thanks for not marrying me" cards.
Dec 18 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
Jean
Jean's picture

your ex-Prof

Just a quick comment on this - I had a brief encounter with a Narc professor and to this day (6 years later) I still have a twinge when I think of him. Partly because I, too, had never been attracted to a professor and somehow I fell for him. Nothing happened but boy did he mess with me for the short time I tried to get close to him. I ended up quitting my PhD program because he was my advisor and he was like a brick wall - never saying what the problem was but just coldly and indifferently giving no support or encouragement whatsoever. Now I understand what his problem was but at the time I blamed myself for having "feelings" for him. He would inappropriately but cleverly cross boundaries with students. I think I still have a twinge of anger against him because he abused his authority so nastily. I am SO grateful nothing ever happened with him. I seem to have a weakness for these intellectual PhD types - first N had one PhD, latest one has a PhD plus a JD. I think I will just go get my own gosh darned PhD!
Dec 18 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

This was a weird one...

The ex-Psych professor would share personal feelings with me (yes, they tended to be negative, for the most part), and he made sure the final D&D was public humiliation. He claimed I was acting inappropriately... but I was NEVER called to the Dean's office. My professors were understanding. My senior essay advisor called the ex-P "different" (understatement of the century), and the Dean (who was also one of my professors) said that my essay on "Anna Karenina" was my way of trying to make sense of whatever was going on with the ex-P. She didn't condemn me. What's weird is that even tho I didn't write my "Anna" essay in the first person or use personal experiences... she knew exactly what it was about. In spite of the ex-P, I managed to graduate and get good grades. He REALLY could've damaged me before his colleagues. I could've dropped out. Or been expelled. I'm glad my "relationship" with the ex-P never got to dating or marriage. As he said himself "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life." "No support or encouragement"-The ex-P REFUSED to be my senior essay advisor during the final D&D. I found another professor in a rather short time (he and his wife attended the same church as myself)... and my friends and I found the change a HUGE upgrade. I never got that much support/encouragement from the ex-P. One of my friends said my junior year that my professors were so kind&understanding because they couldn't stand the ex-P's BS. To put it mildly, they hated his guts for what he was doing to me. Some Ns/Ps are able to circle the wagons with their colleagues... he lacked the charisma, and was too lazy to do so. "I seem to have a weakness for these intellectual types"- The ex-P had a PhD as well. But it took him SEVEN YEARS to get a master's at UVA. With the ex-P, it seems like I turned the tables. A year after the D&D, he published a paper about Wittgenstein&Augustine. It was probably in the pipeline my junior year, knowing how those intellectual journals go. Not exactly weekly mags like PEOPLE. I wrote my senior essay on Augustine. The ex-P never wrote about Augustine again. If I wrote about Tolstoy or Wittgenstein, would that sully the subjects for him?
Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OMG Susan!

That is so funny - but you know... Maybe you're on to something.... I know they say NC BUT...You could probably make a fine mint marketing Anonymous "Thank you for not marrying me" cards.... There is a silver lining in EVERY cloud... "LIKE"
Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It could be a musical card...

It would be personalized, playing the 1812 Overture (it had its basis in the Napoleonic Wars, like "War and Peace", the ex-P's favorite book) A 3D montage card of scenes from "War and Peace",Leo and Sofia Tolstoy arguing... It would be an extravaganza. There would also be "Thanks for not having sex with me" cards.
Nov 14 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Bumping this topic

Putting this back at the top!
May 8 - 6AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Professor

Mine is a professor of philosophy. Mine has a collection of masks from all over the world which he hangs in the entry hall of his house. No matter where he lives, the masks hang in the entry way just as one enters. How's that for symbolism? Mine has been described as "sinster." Uses all his reading in philosophy & psychology to commit "mindf**k." Really screws his victims up. Too smart to mess with students--that gets one fired, revocation of tenure.
May 8 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Oh,he got tenure 7 years ago...

My ex-N would've claimed that I was the one at fault. He claimed that I was "hitting on him" when I declared my love... of course, if he had had ANY ground in his accusations, he would've gone to the Dean's office, and he knew that he would've been laughed at. I didn't tell him ANYTHING sexual (yet he claims I crossed the line&was improper) Since when was "hitting on someone" consisted of asking them about their family,or simply being emotionally intimate? My ex-N and I didn't go as far as boyfriend/girlfriend, sexual involvement... but people assumed that. It was cognitive dissonance for a lot of people when they saw us fighting... with him reducing me to tears... because they assumed we were having wild sex anyhow. My ex-N (who is a professor,claims to be a philosopher,his Wittgenstein/St. Augustine book never has been published) claims I didn't "appreciate his masks." Some of my friends thought he reminded them of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." A friend of mine at the time (who emailed me recently) said that I was my ex-N's beard... to make him look HUMAN.
May 6 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

posted on wrong story by

posted on wrong story by mistake.

spinning

Apr 27 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome Susan32

Welcome... - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - YOU must go NO CONTACT on him immediately - there is a great post in the My Blog section on WHAT NO CONTACT MEANS - read it and follow it. Change phone & cell numbers if you have to. NO CONTACT!!! He doesn't care how you feel. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. You did not choose him! YOU, as all of us, WERE A TARGET!! - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing please read the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim - Please remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with. 18 months for starting to deprogram plus one continuous year of therapy is a must! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 6 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Healing

This happened a decade ago... but it did take me 3 years to get over the PTSD.
Nov 14 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

ok Susan

Thanks for the clarification. I understand now. Sorry honey!
Nov 15 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Less regrets now...

I've been doing some introspection lately. Did I give in to the ex-P in SOME ways? Yes. did I give in to him completely? NO. I don't regret never having been physically intimate with him, he wasn't even worthy of one-night stand status, he was that WORTHLESS. He wasn't even worthy of eff buddy status or "friend with benefits." I don't regret never having dated him... that would've been too far. I have dated casually before, that went VERY briefly... and he wasn't even worthy of a romantic dinner and a movie. Really. I fell in love... that was human... but when it came to sex and romance... the line had to be drawn somewhere.
Apr 26 - 9PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

You are not alone in this...

In fact, you are in good company. We have all struggled to understand why we miss our xNs. In my case, reading other poster's stories and learning more about the N's/Sociopath's thought process has helped me in the healing process. My break-up is now over 3 years old and here I am, still healing. In your case, he had an opportunity to brainwash you for over 3 years...I know you must be hurting, confused, wondering what happened, why he went from this loving person to someone who doesn't seem to care anymore, and many, many other questions. You should know that our xNs think very different than we do, they are not normal. They are users and once they are done with us, they move on to their next victim. You should activate the No Contact Rule as it is critical to your well-being. The more you allow him to communicate with you, the more he will play mind games and you will prolong your pain. Also, understand that you will NOT be able to CURE him....there is no cure. Read other poster's stories and learn from our mistakes. There is a lot of information on this site regarding Ns and sociopath behaviors that will help you better understand the what/who you were dealing with. Do keep us posted on your progress and drop a line everytime you are feeling down or need someone's input on understanding what you are feeling and ask about ALL the questions that you have in mind...don't call him...ask us. Welcome!
May 14 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

9 Years Ago

What's odd (in a way) is that I almost called him 9 years ago... I talked briefly to a friend of his, she told me to call him. I NEVER did call him. I didn't want to hear his BS again. I almost called him 3 years ago... never did. So I've stuck to NC. Moving to another state was essential to NC. Besides,if you're going to not giving them supply/be an affair on the side,they're not going to want anything to do with you. They're like vampires. They hate sunlight. Once you expose them... they put YOU on NC.
Apr 27 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

No Contact--from his end

I DID send a postcard telling him how I felt. It was blunt, to the point, ending with "I don't see you as a potential boyfriend/love interest,not even sure I can see you as a friend." Great thing with postcards? Cheap, disposable, no return address. Don't worry-I'm in another state, and in another time zone. I felt for his girlfriend (who resembles me, is a decade my senior, is my cloned copy with glasses and is slightly taller) Instead of his acknowledging her existence junior year, all he did was act sad&guilty. (Good thing he's not a poker player, his "tell" would've had him out of $$$) They ended up marrying and having kids. Whether they're together still-I don't know, nor do I care. What was strange was that he acknowledged having problems communicating with others, and he admitted that he had hurt lots of people,as if karma were catching up with him. My friends hated him, and he didn't like my friends. They thought he was using me as beard-not to look straight, but to look human. Whether he was a high-functioning autism sufferer (autism&narcissism can be confused-since both involve self-absorption,difficulties relating to others,including empathy) or a narcissist,hard to tell. Is he still priding himself on being the cruel professor? I don't know. Do female students still consider him a condescending jerk? I don't know. Has another admiring student fallen under his spell? I don't know. There are some problems I leave to God and karma because I'm a mere mortal. I think humans are capable of conversion. This professor did horrible things-he is still human, like the rest of us. But only God can heal the sickness of his soul.