Survivor101's story...

I don't know where to even begin. I met my exN 14 years ago. He was charming, handsome, intelligent and everything I had ever dreamed of in a man. At first he was all over me and we were very much in love. I didn't see the red flags and I don't think I wanted to see them. Slowly but surely he made me doubt myself my strength who I am. He used me in more ways than one financially, physically emotionally you name it. After the first time he hit me I think I switched off I remember very little of what happened it is like I blocked it all out. After the first time we were intimate he started acting different he wouldn't come close to me or talk to me or hug me even. I thought he was just depressed. I tried everything I could think of I tried being whatever it is that he wanted but nothing was ever good enough. Bear in mind I was the only person working as he sat at home all day doing nothing and if he did find work he wouldn't be there for very long either. He always found something wrong with his boss or the place or even the road he had to travel to get there. His needs would always come before the entire households needs, if he wanted a new computer screen I would have to get it nevermind if the kids needed something, I feel like I failed my kids. When I met him he was married but he left his wife pretty quickly after meeting me, maybe a better supply of NS. She probably called him on his bullshit. We have three kids together aged 6, 7 and 10. Two boys and a girl. There is so much to say but I can't put everything down here it would take forever. He has hit me in front of the kids sworn me told me what a useless bitch I am and made me feel absolutely worthless, worthless of being loved so I shut myself off to survive for my kids sake. We never slept in the same bed he only ever touched me when well I actually can't recall oh yeah when he hit me or pushed me around other than that nothing or he would start getting intimate with me then get up and say I must lose weight or that I am disgusting but then I would catch him later masturbating in front of his computer. He has also forced himself on me a few times and I never saw it as rape, was it rape? I am still so confused. Even after he would force himself on me I would still love him and feel like I wanted to be with him, I think there is something really wrong with me because no one in their right mind would feel that way. I ran up so much debt for him so that he could have the best of everything and now I sit with all the debt while his name is clear. He does not even pay one cent toward child support, but he is the best father ever according to him. He always blamed his family and me for all his failures and always always told the same stories over and over. My poor kids did not deserve this and they were being brain washed and manipulated just as much as I was. I had no support system his whole family are enablers to him. After I left him he tried everything in the book to get me to take him back and I wanted to I wanted to so badly that I didn't even care what being with him does to me. I lied to my girlfriend, yes I now have a girlfriend as I can't see myself ever loving another man, I kept in contact with him but told her I wasn't speaking to him at all but she found out almost left me but by some miracle stayed and we are happy now although I still can't be 100% intimate as every time I do I remember how it was with him, I don't know if this will go away?! It has been two and a half years since I left him but it still feels like yesterday. I still miss him and I don't know why. We were not physical with each other for over 5 years and I am worried as to why now that I want to be why I can't be with someone I love and who loves me back. I want to contact him I want to know that he loves me or misses me but I have to remember I was only a convenience for him I didn't call him out on his bullshit because he had beaten me down physically and emotionally I was broken still am to a point. My youngest daughter is starting to act like him and say things I know only he would say, they only speak to him over their phones as he can't be bothered to drive and come see them. It worries me that he is manipulating them but all I can do is love them and it breaks my heart to think I cannot protect my children 100% from him. He is religious fanatic and always used to throw God in my face, I did not come from a very religious background, so he used that against me too. I have to remind myself that all the things he said to me was just projection of what he thinks of himself. Now when I do hear from him I feel the old familiar warm fuzzy feelings but then I remember who and what I am dealing with and it helps. I really felt like I was going crazy and my health was no better but now is slowly getting back to what it was. I am so happy to have found this place to share with other people who have gone through what I have gone through, I have been reading all the posts on here for a few months now and I have finally plucked up the courage to post some of my story, I say some of it because if I had to put it all down into words it would be three books long. I am happy to be free or well getting there one step at a time one day at a time. He also likes making me look like a fool or making me feel stupid always twisting everything said and I just can't win that battle with him and I did fight back but it never did anything. He even proposed to me a few times after I left him and lied about living in his own house and even being the CEO of a new company but I later found out these were all lies just to get me to say yes. What a freaking lunatic! I thought he was my one true love he was the one and now I am grieving the loss of this love as fake as it was and that really hurts badly. I had everything so clear in my mind before starting to type this but now I feel like I am not saying it correctly or in the right order. Hope it makes sense to everyone.