sureandhurry's story

Was my ex a Narc? Can someone clear this up for me?

I can't tell if my ex is a Narc, though after reading this site my suspicion grows bigger. We were in a long distance relationship for most of our relationship.

My ex was a strange guy. We hit it off almost immediately, had everything in common, it seemed. He had a huge appreciation for who I was, what my interests were, what I did with my life. I'm a fairly accomplished girl with a lot of goals, very driven, motivated individual. He on the other hand, is 25, still living at home with his parents, no college degree and hasn't held a job in two years. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why would I go out with this guy in the first place? Well, when I first met him he presented himself as "taking a break from school" and "in between, but still looking for jobs." He does his own creative projects here and there and was apart of a group of sculptors so I thought he seemed passionate.

In the beginning, he would wait for me to come home everyday just to call or message me. He would ask me tons of questions about myself and just really try to get close to me. It got to the point where we were talking for hours and hours everyday. Then we started dating and hanging out a lot. I was elated. I felt really comfortable with him and I noticed once we were a "couple", he started withdrawing. There'd be times when he'd withdraw for a week with no reason, only to come back with a series of doubts and blames about "us" "this relationship wasn't how it was supposed to be" or just..irrational reasons? I had no idea where this was coming from. Then I found out he's been lying to a lot of his close ones about his job and school situation and also stealing money from his parents to supplement his lifestyle. Our conversations turned from sweet to depressing, long drawn out conversations about his insecurities, how he's not worthy or deserving of me because he cannot provide for me, how his parents control him and make him feel trapped (when really they provide everything for him, his car, his phone, money for his daily hang outs and have no idea that he's unemployed and not in school) etc and each time I would have to reassure him completely that I adore him for who he is. It was very draining.

All throughout the relationship, I was very quiet and forgiving. Even when things bothered me, I tried not to let them do so and was always very patient. Only once or twice did I mention things to him and the only thing that really bothered me was that there was a lack of initiative on his part. He would get sloppier and sloppier with phone calls and text messages. It would be difficult to get a hold of him. In fact, I sometimes didn't know when I would hear from him again because there were times when he disappeared for one or two weeks at a time. None of his friends could get a hold of him either. So finally when he returned after a two week disappearance, I asked him what was going on. He said all he did during this time was think of me, he was depressed, he would drink, etc. He felt he didn't deserve me. His sleeping patterns were wrong. Of course, I felt empathetic and I really cared for him. I told him the worst thing he could do was not communicate with me and that I will not put up with this kind of behavior.

One day we got into an argument when he had come back from a trip. He promised to call me on his trip but didn't. At this point I was fairly frustrated and ready to end it. He started blaming circumstances like how it's difficult for him to include me in his life because I'm not there, how long distance relationships aren't how relationships are supposed to go, etc. There were a myriad of reasons that were totally different. I told him since he felt that way it's probably best that we end this now and that I do not wish to force him into anything. He asked me for more time and wanted to discuss this later then said that he didn't even want to discuss "relationship stuff" in the first place. He called back the next day apologizing, saying he recognizes there are issues at hand with him and that he wants to try harder and give this relationship his all. I was taken aback and things were okay for about a week. He called more, he texted lots. In fact, he was calling everyday, telling me how he had a bad day, etc. Then finally one night we talked for 2-3 hours and he promised he'd call the next day and then didn't. I never heard from him again. I tried calling maybe one or twice and texting maybe about three times. Never an answer. Finally I just messaged him that I won't deal with this and that I don't deserve to be treated like this.

At first I wondered and wondered what I could have done wrong but I couldn't find anything. I've just been trying to find closure this whole time. At first I thought he was depressed and possibly bipolar, it made me worry and want to keep in contact but now, especially after reading this site, I feel that he is just a narcissist? Friends that have known him from before have said that he was "always the type of guy who had big dreams, but never any follow through. He was always lazy and unmotivated but really knew how to talk." I just can't understand how he could just disappear and not have another thought? Or why did he all of a sudden run off after a shower of phone calls and texts and even coming back to me with those promises? Will this guy ever surface again? (I'm scared.)

Any words of advice?