SunBlossom's Story

Same Fool Twice

First I have to say, I am so happy I found this forum yesterday. I can’t seem to stop my tears from flowing and no one understands why. I have now found a community that understands the emotions I am going through, but I am determined to put an end to it once and for all. Here’s my story…

My son’s father and I lived together many years ago. He cheated on me, he made me feel like I was nothing and he broke my heart. When I found out I was pregnant, I also found out he gave me gonorrhea. This literally destroyed me. I immediately moved out and went back to my parents’ house. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to follow me and make things right. He somehow turned things around on me and told me that, we could have worked it out, but I chose to leave. I went through my entire pregnancy alone and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. He moved out of state and started engaging in criminal activity.

I was so angry and embarrassed at the time. I remember calling him so much at what time (this is what I call my temporary insanity period) and all he would do was hang up on me or totally ignore my calls. After a while, I got very strong (so I thought) and started to avoid him and his phone calls. For 5 years I couldn’t seem to understand that this was him. He has a daughter and her mother abandoned her. I took care of this child and gave her everything and all the love a real mother could give. How could he walk away from my child (that is his), when I was so good to his child (that wasn’t mine)?

One Christmas day, I get a call from his mother. She is begging me to come to her house. My 5 year old son and I go over there. She wanted to tell me, he was in jail for money laundering. I felt bad for him, but oh well, why are you telling me this? He hasn’t been there for his son at all. If my son saw him on the street, he wouldn’t know him. 2 days later, I received a letter from him. I remember not opening it and thinking, FINALLY, I get my apology and I get closure. I open the letter only to get a 2 paragraphs. The first was a bunch of jokes, like we were still old friends and the second was asking my mother to put her house up for his bail. I couldn’t believe the audacity and the nerve. I wrote him back and it wasn’t nice. He spent 5 years in federal prison and sometimes would write me, but I never got what I wanted… my apology. I wrote him a 6 page letter with every emotion I felt and asked him not to contact me anymore.

Fast forward to the present… It has been almost 10 years since I have seen him. My son (his son), is now eleven going on 12. During those years, my self esteem went to an all time low. I gained weight, I didn’t care about my appearance, I left all my friends alone and focused on work and my son only. I had not been intimate with another man and when a man showed interest, I immediately turned him into a brother. I moved up the corporate ladder and obtained 3 college degrees. The same week I graduated from getting the last one, is the same week he shows up.

Our first conversation was not a good one. He didn’t call me for 2 weeks. I felt so bad for my son, because I could tell he was excited and wanted to see him. When he finally called, I turned soft. We started talking until 4am and all these feelings came rushing back. He talked to me like his head was on his shoulders and I don’t know why, but I saw all of this potential in him. Before you know it, he starts coming to my house. He sees all the things my son and I have. We have nice things and my son has more than most 2 parent children, thanks to God. We start having sex and it is amazing and mind blowing.
One day, he tells my son he wants to marry me. I am just beside myself with joy. Everyone we know is so happy for us. I start to treat him like he is my husband and I start to help him out monetary wise. I see a difference in him, but I can’t put my finger on it. Something doesn’t feel right. I am a communicator, so I try on several attempts to discuss it. Each time, I can tell he is moving farther and farther away from me. I blame myself.

I now notice that every time we are together, one of his children’s mother calls him. She lives in another country, where he is from. I tell him, something is not right. They can’t be talking about the kids. He tells me I am crazy and she knows about me. I left this part out on purpose, until now… He now has 8 children, by 7 different women. When he was locked up, 3 were pregnant at the same time.

Little by little, he starts calling me names like, “fatty”. I lost a bunch of weight prior to meeting him and my self esteem was getting a lot better. I just could not shake the feeling that he was doing something. I started doing things, I would never do. I figured out the password to his email. I looked for trouble and I found it. Lots of naked pictures from 2 of his kids’ mothers, especially the one I had the gut feeling about. I confront him, because I want to bust him and I want him to change his password. I don’t want to be that woman. I never got an apology for the things I saw or his lies. Instead, he told me how wrong I was for going in his personal email. I figured the password out 2 more times after that. This last time, I won’t mention it, because who can be that dumb (besides me)?

Fast forward again… I had the power to tell him, I no longer want to be involved in a relationship. I stopped answering his calls. When I wouldn’t answer him, he would lose his mind. He started calling me back to back, like 20 times in a row. He would text me and leave voicemail messages accusing me of cheating and calling me names, I have never had anyone call me. He even told me in one message, my “private” smells. I am crushed. I am hurt and still keep waiting for an apology. He calls and acts as if nothing ever happened.

I didn’t mention, he has only been back in my life for almost four months. In that short time, I lavished him with gifts, am left with a $1200 phone bill and he doesn’t care about his son. I can’t believe I have been the same fool twice. I need to break these chains and he keeps trying to punish me. I feel so hurt and so used. Friends and family think I am a “gluten for punishment”, but I really want to be happy. I know I deserve so much better. I keep having these thoughts of revenge that come and go, but I know that is not the answer. I hurt because I am just finding out about a narcissist and he fits the profile. I’m angry because he will never learn his lesson and love me, because he is incapable of it. I’m angry because I still care and if he came along and said all the right things, I am not sure I am strong enough to not try. I’m angry because I don’t know my self worth. He is such a loser, but I keep thinking this woman will win and she will have this great life that should me mine.

Yesterday, I questioned God and got angry with him. When I did that, I started surfing the internet about narcissistic relationships. I FOUND THIS SITE. I immediately signed up. I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe this is all part of his plan and I’m so glad I found you! :-)