stuckinarut's story

Here’s my story. I have known this man for 10 years , married for about 6. Trying to understand if my husband is a N. We have a little boy who is an angel. We started dating when we were in grad school then got married 3 years later after I found out I was pregnant. Now he keeps telling me that he would never have married me if I wasn’t pregnant and he did me a favor instead of running away. I also found him googling a few days before the wedding as to how much he would have to pay for alimony if we were to say. Red flag? I choose to ignore since my main goal was not to bring a child in the world without being married and a father.
So to say we had a rocky start is an understatement. The pregnancy time was a nightmare. I was needy, hormonal and wanted him to spend more time with me. But he was and is obsessed about working out in the gym ,watching movies, doing his own thing. He didn’t even want to have sex saying that I was too big. He admitted to me that he would much rather masturbate than have sex because that is “easier”. He also said he would masturbate to girls at this work, people we knew. There was also violence during the pregnancy. One time he hit me really hard and my arm was all bruised. I began so disturbed by the violence about how I could endure that, but I never called the cops. I wanted to hurt him too although I knew I was not as physically strong as him. I would pinch him because I thought that was the only way to hurt him. He is very strongly built. Days went on, our son was born. He seemed really attached to him, would do stuff with him. But our relation kept deteriorating. I didn’t feel the intimacy and would avoid sex. He would walk out when he felt like, initiate fights, be verbally abusive etc. I started to rebel. I used to lock the door and not allow him to enter sometimes when I was really mad at him. I would not cook for him. I would give him ultimatums for not doing the chores, order him around. Things were so bad for 3 years. We tried marriage counseling and the therapist told my husband that he was depressed and told him to consider anti-depressants. My husband lost it when he heard that, cause in his mind I was the cause of all the problems and we never went to therapy again. He would keep moving out of the home, go stay in hotels, also got his own apartment couple times, saying it was impossible to stay with me. I would always beg him to come back after a few days but things would not be different. Then 2 years back he had an affair. He has known this girl since childhood, kept in touch with her through email for the last 5 years. It is long distance but he has travelled multiple times to be with her. When I found out about the affair he moved out and continued his affair. Then after 7 months he decided to come back and work on the marriage. I took him back. Then one day I found he was still emailing her. I confronted him and he said why he would not, Nothing is working with us. He said he needs to have a backup. He said I have not changed, that I still order him around, lose my temper. He decided to move out again. I so want this situation to end but I keep thinking I am to blame because of my temper, my pinching, withdrawing sex etc. I don’t know if I actually pushed him away. But then again he doesn’t want to initiate divorce and wants an “open” relationship. I should add that the girl he is having an affair with is also married. There is just so much to say, I want him back on one hand and want him to be far away when he is being how is is. What should I do? I have stated therapy already and it is helping. I hate that my son has to be a part of this. I am so messed up
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