Struggling with my list

Let the truth set you free.. Do it.. Hunter

I was living with my guy for 8 years and lived everything in the pages of The Path Forward. From the Jekel and Hyde personality, to cheating, punishing and to ignoring me. I told him I was leaving last January. That's when all the pleas of change and how much he loves me happened. His requests for me to stay wasn't working so he changed the lock on our front door and when my kids and I returned home - couldn't get in. When I said to him that he locked us out, he said, "no I changed the locks". I said, "I didn't have a key." Have been out of the house since April 2011. Friends took us in for four months. These friends live right around the corner from my house. I avoided contact because I was angry and couldn't believe the horrible things he did. I remembered it all. He would drive past everyday to see if my car was there. I didn't block his number or change my email. In August 2011 I bought a home for me and my kids. Which he is not allowed near, and so bothered by that. Our home is peaceful, it's love, it's happy. Since last January 2011 to the present he has been wanting to show me change, love and make everything up to me that he says he knows he did in the past. I guess my question is would a true narcissist keep pursuing for so long? I would think if he is not getting the attention he would go back on his computer activities which he had done in the past. Could he realize that he truly did screw up? Lose someone really important in his life? Some days are difficult. Going from remembering the hurt, to remembering some of the good. Having to change your life from all that time. Also feeling wasting all that love on someone that didn't even feel it. But again, now he says he can't change the past he can only change the future if I give him the chance.

Sometimes you need to suffer it to move ahead....if you ignore it, it will keep resurfacing.... Pick a day...tomorrow the next day....and pscyh yourself up for it....then just do it...you may cry, get angry, want to scream, but when youre done, it will be out of you!!!!!! Kinda like a cleansing.....this will be the last time you are re living it in depth... Just do it!!! It's part of the process....it's painful, but it needs to be done!! xoxo

do the list when you feel ready, i remember way before this site and I was struggling by myself, i did a list of pros and cons and it was instrumental for making me see reality when all i was was still in love with the 2 faced man, I did one list on a piece of paper, have since thrown it out, but another small one i still have, wrote it on the back of a book i bought, called Get rid of Him, it is good to go back and still see how disordered he is and how petty he was in putting me down, to lift himself out of his misery.

to write a bad list on day 4 of NC. Basically it is like the drug addict or alcoholic who "needs" to be reminded of how bad their addiction was and where it took them. This is one of the major premises of 12 step programs. That you need to "remember when" and you need to share your story with another drunk in order to keep you sober. Helping others keeps you sober is the idea. They go on to stress your powerlessness against your addiction, the need for a spiritual power greater than yourself, ect.... You in particular have struggled with accepting how twisted and mentally distrubed your Psychopath is, so I would imaging that this is why it has been stressed in your case. As long as you FORGET that you were dancing with the devil then you run the risk of playing games with the cell phone and whatever other methods you may use to feed the addition. All you need to do is write down the major area's where this man is twisted and bad for Snowflake and leave it at that until you are ready to do a more in depth inventory of your experience with him. He is: a liar, manipulator, selfish, a cheater, violent, aloof, insensitive to your needs, cold, cruel, mean, vile, just a few like that may help you out for starters. Helping others also helps because it takes the focus off you and all your pain and also seeing others in that much pain reminds us that we don't ever want to go back to that life. I dont' mean helping them to the extent of not looking at yourself, just offering a newbie a few words of encouragement can make or break how they feel when they first come on the forum. Life with a PD most assuredly takes most of us off our spiritual path and belief's. We often find ourselves doing things and saying things that are just not us. We have engaged in behaviors that completely go against our grain in order to secure a speck of love, attention, affection, or a glance in our direction in the case of some because they give so little. This is a great time to revisit your spiritual beliefs and begin to reengage with what brings you comfort in that area as well. Your music, movies, and creative outlet project for the members here is fantastic. You are doing a great job and don't become discouraged. We do not always get a huge response on here when we first begin something new. Keep it up and you will see a stronger response in a few weeks. Any new project takes patience, time, and endurance. I am proud of you for being this and will take a few minutes today to find a few songs for the group. Big hugs and love to you Snowflake you're getting there, just takes time and patience. God bless, Goldie

i was the same way. i did not want to do my list at all. but here's the thing - the list is *the thing* that keeps me from breaking no contact. i read it whenever i am having a weak moment. then i just get so angry all over again and i have zero desire to talk to him.

Well done on 4 days NC! :-) Don't do your list until you are ready and I understand your fear of reliving everything as you write it down I did but my word once I got started I couldn't stop!! Pages I wrote and I cried until I ended up laughing and feeling the most relieved ever! I walked away from my list for a few hours after writing It and then went back.... And my god did I give those pieces of paper an ear bashing if anyone had seen me they would of thought I was mental but I couldn't help but see the ex smirking and telling me to get f****** at 8 months pregnant and for the first time ever I let rip! Did it matter it was just his memory I said it too - nope! Do I wish it could really of been him - yes! But he wouldn't of cared anyway! I also wrote a list of good things.... On it there was two words... Our son! After my exN got married I wrote him so many letters ( this may be good for you I don't know) and I got it all out on there but never sent them! Still read them occasionally they are a good reminder of where you were. So in your own time but will be worth it Hugs xx