Strongblackcoffee's story...

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#1 Jul 18 - 11AM
strongblackcoffee's picture

Strongblackcoffee's story...

Hello Kindred Spirits!

From my understanding, I titled it as my story and then I can continue to add posts to this subject as I go...someone let me know if I am wrong :-)

I am new here, but not new to the N in my life. I spent almost 11 years with him (I REALLY thought I could change him); the last two of it trying to get away.

I was successful with the NC for 42 days thanks to a lot of willpower, a helpful therapist, and a cadre of good friends...and AT&T's Smartlimits which let me block his numbers from my phone. He had sent me a mean text telling me to never f'n contact him that is what I did.

Ahhhh sweet relief.

On Day 43 (I marked them off on a calendar EVERY morning, for the previous day), he called my work cell phone. I had no ability to block it and frankly did not recognize the number until I clicked on the answer button....

Yup, you guessed it, sucked right back in. The next two years were miserable for me, but I just could not bring myself to ending it with him...I must have really liked the taste of those crumbs he was throwing me.

Finally, at 6:32 PM on Saturday evening, I sent a message to him I had wanted to yell for at least the past two years...basically telling him he was the same old "SH" (my affectionate term for him with my friends s***head.) "You lied and then picked a fight with me to cover going on a trip with your EX. You are a liar. I am done with you."

I sent it 30 minutes before his plane was scheduled to take off; made sure it went through, and then immediately blocked his numbers.

I must admit that the thought of him reading that text, sitting next to her on a plane for several hours, with no recourse to me, THRILLED me.

I had been piecing this trip together for the past several weeks and was careful to not tip my hand. He began lying to me about his sister needing some help and he "may have to go help" blah blah blah. I knew it was a lie but I played right into it. It sickened me to do so. His level of detail was astonishingly strong, and when I didn't ask any questions he just kept giving more and more detail.

I told him i would be happy to drive him to the airport...the next day, eureka! His SIL was going to take him...

I offered to look for a good airfare on the internet...and what do you know...his brother was going to cover the flights...

Plus, he mowed my yard, fixed me dinner, and wanted to "spend as much time together as possible" before he left...I faked a stomach virus and pretended to puke just to keep him at bay. I was waiting....

Funny thing, the day before he left, he "got what you had" regarding my stomach virus... ROFL!

I only spoke with him by telephone once that morning as I was out of town (wink wink) and when he called that evening, I asked one question about the trip, how long his layover was going to be in the ficticious city that he said they had to fly through. He told me about an hour and a half, and I told him I would make sure i was "not in a meeting" at the time so he could call. He erupted!

Yelling at me for not supporting this trip, you all know the mantra.

Instead of engaging, I calmly replied "I really hope you have a good trip" and immediately hung up the phone.

He didn't bother to call me back because he had gotten exactly what he went fishing mad at him and a clear mind to take his trip.

I let it be.

I knew better.

I sent the message, and he may not have given a rat's tail, but boy I sure felt good! He loves the drama of the confrontation, and there was NO WAY he could do anything sitting in that airplane next to her with NO PHONE for three + hours.

Don't get me wrong, I know my day of reckoning is coming with SH, but the relief I feel to actually let him know I know is good.

I have a lot of things to work through, and I know how agonizing the NC is, but to do it on my terms, without his drama....really does feel good.

Carrie Underwood's "WASTED" got me here. I love that song.

God bless to all of you working through it. I am right there with you step for step.

I am living for that 44th day :-)

Jul 30 - 9AM
Sunafterrain's picture


I am absolutely amazed at your story! That is almost EXACTLY what I did in "confronting" my ex. I understand how hard that is but you are very brave and VERY strong! I hope you can stick to your NC now. At first, no matter what is found out, it's still really really hard. You did the absolute RIGHT thing and what a major bust! When I did this to my ex, (his ass was on a flight to see his next target), it felt SO GOOD when I found out the LIES and then let him know i knew then NC NC NC....but he DID contact me again AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. He stalked me for over a month, then every two months. I had to reiterate TWICE, You're a LIAR. DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN, EVER! I wrote more, but you understand. They do not like giving up their power, even if they are CHEATING. It's unreal! HANG IN THERE! And kudos to you for your strength in what you did about your ex and how you handled it. Stay here and we will help keep you strong! Life WILL be better!
Jul 30 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
strongblackcoffee's picture


Thanks for your kind words and Congrats on confronting your N and standing your ground. Mine is hiding right now. I think really freaked him out tht i discovered the lie. I was not vague in my message, but he has never stayed away for long in the past. Perhaps it scared him enough to never contact me again. My fingers are crossed hoping so at least. I am impressed that you are able to withstand his contact. Although the broken hearted girl in me really wants him to contact me, the wise woman in me knows the best thing he could do is to drop off the face of the earth. You were a significant reason I will have NC with him today. Thank you and hugs! Coffee
Jul 23 - 2PM
strongblackcoffee's picture

Reckoning is coming...

They get back from their trip tonight. I haven't heard a peep from him since the NC text I sent that called him out on his lies. I am nervous. Last time we broke, it took him until day 43 to contact me, but that was because he initiated the breakup. I am in a pretty good place and am prepared for the temper tantrum I am confident is coming, but trying not to focus on it. Phones blocked; locks changed; email blocked; supportive friends who really want him out of my life for good, and all of you and your words of wisdom and support! Funny, these gut pains have been gone all week and are now back. Not a coincidence. Thanks for shining light on my denial! Coffee
Jul 23 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
happysoon's picture

looks like you are prepared

looks like you are prepared and have done all the right things! keep busy and good luck!
Jul 22 - 6PM
happysoon's picture

Wow Coffee! Good for you!

Wow Coffee! Good for you! Isn't it the best when you call them out on their lies and they can't respond? Stay Strong!!
Jul 22 - 7AM
BadaBing's picture

NC Calendar

Hi Coffee That is a great idea about the NC calendar! I have only been able to keep NC for short periods of time, the most is 2 weeks. I would love to experience 2 months. I am glad you found the forum it will be a great support to you in the coming months. Also sounds like your narc is also a real bully! hang in there coffee!
Jul 22 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
strongblackcoffee's picture


It really helps me SEE my progress. Those big black X's are my life coming back to me and putting him in the past.
Jul 21 - 7PM
strongblackcoffee's picture


....a bit since the last time I spoke to him a week ago tonight. Although I sent the text on Saturday, NC began when I hung up on him last Thursdsy evening. Has been hard! Struggling with doubts about what I knew in my head to be true. Each time I have found myself at that difficult moment, I asked God to help me find clarity. Each time he answered with some other confirmation I was correct or with sending memories of his lying, deception, mood-swings, over-reactions my way. They help remind me why I am here on the cusp of day seven. I have also found comfort in your words. Please know they are blessings for my peace of mind. I am embarrassed by the extent I was deceived. Mainly by the words coming out of the mouth on the face of a man I thought I knew so intimately. The real test begins when he gets back from his trip and is back in the same town. I have made it 42 days before in what I thought was just "our time of trial". Now, I know the truth. Just not ready to accept it, yet. Sigh Coffee
Jul 22 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
BadaBing's picture


you know what's sad? is that you feel bad for trusting. You have no shame in trusting the word of someone who should be telling you the truth. Trust is earned, and trust is ruined, I give my trust to easily. You have no reason to be embarassed and I am sorry you feel that way. The deception is not your fault - keep him accountable for the deception and ONLY him. It was his choice to lie to you , for however long he lied, he chose to do that - not you. NC is hard it is a process and it is imperfect. I try to think of it in small chunks because otherwise its' too overwhelming. So many things are overwhelming this days, emotions, anger, love, regret, fear. talk it out, we are here! glad you are here coffee hugs!
Jul 22 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
dazed's picture

I find that day to day I may

I find that day to day I may struggle or not but overall I am better. I think that's probably true for all of us. The beginning is so hard and filled with disbelief and anger and hurt. After close to 3 months I KNOW my N is just a bad person but I still WANT to be with her. I have also felt embarrassment but we really shouldn't. We met someone, we trusted and we acted on it. My N was so over the top crazy about me and I had never experienced that. I just thought this was the most unique fantastic relationship on the planet. That she could dump me 2 days after discussing our wedding, get into a committed relationship with someone else within 2 weeks and then want to marry him after another 2 weeks (similar to what she did with me) told me this was not special at all, at least to her. For me it was and still is. For you, you loved and were vulnerable. No need to be embarrassed. Something innocent was lost and that is too bad. Keep going on. And post if you need. I really enjoyed you story. You are so clever.
Jul 22 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
strongblackcoffee's picture


Thank you so much for the courage to share your hurt and pain with me. It really helps. Even though we went through a breakup two years ago, I was in such denial, I couldn't see in him what I see now. It hurts to look so close and hard but I force myself to acknowledge how I was fooled, tricked, deceived, played, lied to, lied about. He ALMOST sucked the me out of me. I know she is in here, Im just going about bringing her out of this tremendous pain slowly. Godspeed on your journey to somewhere other than here. hugs, coffee
Jul 18 - 3PM
strongblackcoffee's picture


For all of your support and kind words. The locksmith just left! I have been reading lots of your posts over the past few days. It is so comforting to find people who can understand. I'm here for each of you in kind! Coffee
Jul 30 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Coffee- become a double expresso in your strength now!

now that he is back from his trip- this is the vulnerable time..I know I would always feel safer when my N was on a trip...fortify yourself now- put all the strongest armor on to not let him back in...not even a conversation about your text, what went wrong..or his possible pleas to give you an not allow a whisper from him into your world..NC all the way. Basically, I have disappeared off the edge of the world...I am gone from his sight, smell, and surroundings. I have vanished and this feels so so right for 2 reasons- I get stronger when I don't see him. I get clearer headed. I get resolute in my determination to never ever go back ! AND the NC is the sweetest revenge against him.. We are all here for you now...stay close to this board. Blessings!
Jul 18 - 1PM
peacelily76's picture

Welldone you!

What a brilliant story! Clever you! The attention to detail is unnerving isn't it? They literally cover every track so they think you will have no recourse. I however got in touch with another ex of his and know her story too. The similarities in his treatment of us is remarkable; the broken promises, empty words, smear campaigns, distorted reality, the swift moving on to the next narcissistic supply, how I started out as his angel, his beautiful girl and by the end of three years of hell had become the psychotic, deluded manipulative bitch (because I was rumbling him), the brainwashing of his new target, the brainwashing of an entire neighbourhood against me, the manic reinvention of himself, oh it goes on! Good luck with NC. It is the only way you will regain a calm mind and thank you for sharing your story. xx
Jul 18 - 1PM
prettypeeved's picture

I love him having the same

I love him having the same imaginary virus! Is there any depths they won't sink to? "Oooh, look honey, I have the same colour vomit as you!" Anything to be just like you so they suck you in :-)
Jul 18 - 1PM
SoaperGirl's picture

Hmm...almost sounds like the same guy

That's what I call my narc or officially: Shithead Turd. Good for you!
Jul 18 - 12PM
Hunter's picture

Welcome, can't wait to hear,

Welcome, can't wait to hear, part 2! But NC is the answer! Hunter
Jul 18 - 12PM
lillymarch's picture


I listened to the song lyrics you posted. I agree exactly! Run! I lost so many years. They don't change. Mine actually got worse over time. I waited and waited. They just can't see beyond their own nose. You sound like you're a strong woman. You deserved a real man in your life- no more psycho's!