strenghts and qualities become imperfections and flaws

From: "Narcissistic Lovers"

When the N meets a new woman, a woman who appears to possess admirable characteristics he desires, he is immediately drawn to her with the magical thinking that she could be "the one."

In the beginning of their relationship, the N sees strengths and qualities in his partner he wishes to possess, so he immediately tries to convince her that they are meant to be together. His fear of abandonment intensifies his desire so he often rushes into things others would avoid in the early stages of relationships. Ironically, when things go awry in the relationship, the N doesn't have an issue with abandonment, as he usually bolts, without looking back.

...Those victimized often come to believe that an N is simply an insensitive player who takes what he wants and then discards it when he no longer has use for it. Convincing an N of this is much more difficult. His reality is warped and he actually views himself as the victim. Life seems so unfair to the N. He doesn't realize that his fear of abandonment, coupled with his fear of commitment, creates pain and insecurity in his partners. He is clueless to the fact that his lies and inconsistencies are what bring about the lack of trust in his relationships. Many times the N actually believes the narratives he spins for himself are true; therefore, his lies become his reality.

Because the N appears sincere, generous and giving in the beginning of his relationship, he convinces his charmed partner that he believes he's found the perfect mate.

The fear of abandonment causes the N to secure his relationship by charming or convincing his partner that she is "the one." Once she buys into his ardent affirmations, she commits herself to the relationship with him. The N's fear of commitment causes him to back away at this stage. The hunt, the chase, and the manipulation are the "highs" for the N. The possibility that someone as special as his partner could want him is what drives him to gain her possession. Once he has her, however, he convinces himself that she must be flawed to want someone like him and begins to notice things about her that weren't as obvious in the beginning of their relationship. However, when something goes wrong, the relationship is no longer "ideal" to the N. Once flawed, the relationship loses value to him.

Ironically the very things that attracted him to his partner initially have become the things that repulse him once she commits to him. What he has seen as strong independence morphs into stubborn pride. What he viewed as impressive organizational skills become anal retentiveness. He justifies his initial blindness to her flaws by convincing himself that he had been in a vulnerable state of mind when he met her or that he allowed his physical attraction to he cloud his judgment. He feels embarrassed that he could have mistaken his attraction to her for his ideal partner, but he rationalizes that his weakened emotional state could have caused him confusion.

As the relationship begins to deteriorate (in his mind), the N plans his escape. He feels no empathy for his partner and now sees her as the "bad guy." She doesn't "get" him (he doesn't see how his inconsistencies in behavior could leave anyone with a lack of understanding.) She is too needy (he is unaware that he actually caused her insecurities by continuously pulling away from her.) She is more concerned with her needs than his (how dare anyone have a life outside of catering to an N?). By staying with a flawed, self-serving, insecure, distrusting person, the N would be compromising his "integrity." He would feel smothered, overwhelmed and victimized. He would feel as if he were giving up any chance of ever finding his ideal love. Since he ultimately puts himself and his needs first, the N doesn't hesitate to save himself from what he sees as a tortuous existence, and flees...

...Material possessions, souvenirs from partners, people who have served as "good supply," music that reminds him of positive moments in his life and trophies representing achievements or accomplishments are all kept by the N as sources of secondary narcissistic supply. His efforts to discard and forget all sources of negative supply are equally as ardent as his efforts to hang onto the positive reminders. His ability to discard people he seemed to cherish at one time is not difficult to understand once you realize that people are mere objects to the Narcissist.