Stories of red flags that we ignored. Anyone have any?

OMG! I'm so sorry that he did this to you--and that you missed it. I missed so many. One big one was him working his ex girlfriend back into his life, who he said was "a great person" (just like he said to me after the D & D!) She returned all adoring and looking mesmorized, and of course, now that he's got me out of the picture she is working with and for him. The part that makes me laugh is that she's old enough to be his mother-- oh did I mention that he hates his mother.... I wish I had ended it when this came up, and I almost did. Now I'm so happy to be away from this sleaze, and feeling badly for her, because she got hoovered back in big time. I'm really mad that I wasted years on this narc, but happy to be laughing at how predictable he is! And delighted to be free! The red flags to me don't cause regret-- they are proof positive that I was dealing with a very twisted "person."

OMG YES! i discovered he was twice the beast i thought he was when i was going through the six months of D and D after our 8 years of being together. I did not actually know this man it all, it really was sleeping with the enemy. all the mean shitty bent and twisted things he has done since we parted in June have shown me just how evil he is and was. i projected the good, shy guy image on to him, when in fact he was always a slime sucking predetor in bad clothes. he is now suing me for defamation of character.. Ha ha what character??? and I cant wait to meet his slime sucking lawyer. he sent me a email note "the war is on." Damn right it is! and im ready for combat. I will flight dirty its the only way. I dont want revenge. but the truth will out. I discoverd how much a lying piece of shit can destroy your life. Im back and he should be trembling. I gave him a chance to walk away clean and he played with that too. he will be crapping himself soon.

What a jerk! It supposedly never occurred to him that the REASON he had your car in first place was to get breakfast? Sometimes these narcs are absolutely mind-boggling with their lies. One of my very first red flags happened within a month of starting a romantic relationship with xnh (we'd been just friends/co-workers for a couple of years before). His oldest, grossly favored daughter needed surgery for a clogged tear duct in her eye. He told me that his ex-wife (whom he was supposedly legally separated from) was going to be at the surgery as well. Fine. It's her kid, too. However, xnh promised me that he was going to stay in an "It'll Do Motel" down the street from where his ex-wife and the kids were staying, and he said that he was taking his own car because he couldn't stand being the same vehicle with his ex-wife for the long trip. I must have seen through a chink in xnh's narc mask because I sensed that something wasn't quite right. I brought up the hotel/transportation topic with xnh specifically because I somehow didn't trust this situation deep down. I should have paid attention to my instincts. They were right. Low and behold, xnh called me from their hotel room the next morning, after he'd just spent the night in it with his supposed "ex-wife" and their two kids. He was all excited because they'd had a happy old time the day before with all of them playing in the pool and going out to dinner together. Xnh acted just like it was "old home week" for him. When I confronted him with what he'd told me about his not staying with them and taking his own car, xnh's comment was, "I NEVER told you that. You must have heard me wrong. I've always known I was staying with them. She paid for the room, and we all rode up in her car together." At that point, I called xnh a "lying sack of shit", told him we were finished, and hung up on him. When xnh came back from his "venture", he waltzed into my office schmoozing and all "remorseful" about his behavior (aka, he was upset that I broke up with him, and he was no longer in control). WHY in God's name I ever gave that turd a second chance and took him back, is completely beyond me. I KNEW he cheated, but somehow managed to delude myself that he wouldn't cheat on me ever again. Looking back, this was actually THREE red flags all wrapped into one. I, also, saw that xnh was a mooch that let his "ex-wife" pay for the hotel, used her car, and I'm betting she bought the gas and dinner as well. The third red flag was that xnh lied just like a rug. If brains were dynamite, I sometimes couldn't blow my own nose. The red flags were flying high right in my face and flapping HARD. I not only ignored them, I apparently shoved them out of my face and then continued blithely on with xnh. Looking back, if I'd stayed broken up with xnh, I would have saved myself SO MUCH heartache and pain. NEVER AGAIN!

I was still married when I met mine on a ski holiday - mixed party of about 40 people. I was going through a rough stage with ex-H and so one night there was a party and everybody was drinking etc. He cornered me and I ended up listening to the sob story that was his life. RED FLAG. He love bombed me after the holiday and I was flattered because of my marriage situation. RED FLAG. He invited me to his club with my friend and paraded me like a trophy - look at me and what I have snared scenario. Told him I felt it was inappropriate and that I didn't want to know and when I tried to get away he proceeded to smash a wine glass in his rage in the car park because he was so upset. HUGE RED FLAG. I tried to break it off numerous times but he would always waylay me on my way to work with love letters etc. RED FLAG. My best friend told me that I would never be free of him. HUGE, HUGE RED FLAG. His mother was totally irresponsible and he paid a huge domestic bill for her, around £800 which I thought was odd at the time. Friends even told me that he would never be free of her until she was not around any more. How true that has panned out to be. RED FLAG. But obviously girls (and guys) I knew better because 99% of the time he was a sweet, gentle, caring bloke who used to tell me to text him when I got home safely and was always concerned for my well being. Until I got divorced that is, and then the mask came off and the lying, cheating and secrets went into overdrive. The fireworks really began - gobbledygook, broken promises, projection, gaslighting, passive-aggressive behaviour, selfishness, ST, stinginess and total confusion. TOO LATE, he had me hooked! And because I was dealing with the divorce, a young child, irresponsible ex-H, demanding job and low self esteem, I was vulnerable and no match for the P. So I ignored everything just in order to survive, or so I thought. BUT, never again will I allow this to happen to me. I am older, wiser and more informed and as Sparrow reminded me yesterday, better to be by myself than lonely in a relationship with a P/N. And boy was it lonely. Love to all. Dee x

Here's my red flag...he invites me to his vacation house and he's been drinking heavily and there's a whole bunch of people around. He follows me around and starts talking about his big bed. Next, he gets me outside (pitch dark) and all of a sudden he grabs my hand, while I had my back to him, and he puts it on his dick. OMG!! I was so shocked when I figured out what I was touching and didn't know how to react. I never saw him pull down his zipper...the whole thing was so disgusting and humorous at the same time. While he had his pants down, some people came out and I had to stand in front of him so they wouldn't see "it." LOL Needless to say, I got out of there pretty fast.

Just a few weeks into getting involved with my XN in a LDR I had sent him a nice cheery email hoping his recent surgery recouperation went ok. He was home resting. Did not hear from him for 2 days until I got an email back that said was spending those days downstairs on his sofa playing video games (he's 46 going on 16). I guess too "busy" to contact me playing Angry Birds and other BS! Another time he showed me an email from his ex Wife #1 (he's on Wife #3) and in it she wrote about how he refused to talk their teenage son for a year and three months, with not a phone call or an email. And from what she said in, the poor son pleaded for communication with the N which was completely ignored. My first glimpse of his Silent Treatment capabilities. And last.... I once said to him when we he had started pulling back and basically making me feel like shit and how I pleaded with him how much I missed him that he should "Put himself in my shoes" He replied," I can't I don't wear heels." I should have fled then....

I like this game! For me the list is endless. I met him in NYC at a high End hotel where I was staying with friends! My friends are very beautiful and wealthy, one look at them and it's obvious! They asked what he did, he LIED, "dog trainer" would not cut it with this crowd! He said he was into buying and selling antiques, a high end antique dealer!! Huh???? I swear, I knew right then, but I let it go.. What was I thinking?? Bald little Gnome! Hunter

I could write a book on the red flags that I ignored! Key word "I" ignored. I was aware of each and every one of them and made a concious choice to ignore them. My bad..... But I have learned from this and will never make that choice again. Never.

we were a LDR, and every time we met in places where he would have business meetings & we would have a wonderful time. I was so enthralled with the attention and the excitement that, in looking back, I remember how many times we would always do what he wanted do. Case in point: last year while in Chicago I wanted to go to the top of the JHancock building. Nope. While in NYC, I wanted to go by Ground Zero. Nope. Every single night but one was spent with his fraternity brothers. (what fun!!! woot) Yep, thats' what a 54yo woman wants to do when she sees the love of her life....let's go spend it with your frat brothers!! why didn't I think of that?? geez-O-Pete! another red flag...I ran the NYC marathan on 1989. no "Wow You Ran a Marathon???? That's Fantastic!" He was always too busy talking about himself, his material belongings. another red flag....while shopping FOR HIS NEW CONDO while visiting him, which is ALL that we did while I was there...we were in a Hobby Lobby or something...a lady I was talking to dropped something, he walked right by, didn't look back or help her pick up her stuff. i was so embarrassed by his behavior. and last, but not least, which I've mentioned here before, is that he wanted me to pick up and move my son & me almost 1000 miles, without any form of a commitment. And I almost did, God help me!!!! He would not move because of his two ADULT (yes, ADULT) daughters and his investment business, which would easily be managed long distance. Shoot me now!!! What, in the wide, wide world of sports, was I thinking???? This is the same man that dropped me via text. Ya think I would have had some kind of clue, especially at my age. Damn. My brother passed away in April, and I got no empathy or sympathy from this man. None. Helloooooooo....

Oh, there were many! But I don`t even remember all of them now, I was thinking last night. When we were so called in a long distance "thing", we had a place where each of us was putting stuff for the other, like music, movies (mostly me), and on fb. And I remember we were going steady, and I put him "TheScientist - Coldplay", with a nice video, if I remember correctly. I saw that right after, he gave signs of backing off, and put a picture out of the blue "Best Sex Ever!!" - a picture with a guy in the baththub, and the feet of a woman doing him a bj. And him starring widly and vivdly at the sky, with a smile on his face!" RED FLAG!! I was like..uhm..ok-ay. And was asking myself, could I do that to him? Do I see myself in that role?..(That was him trying to arleady push things with me, introduce me to the REAL Mr. Hyde). After that episode, he saw I was hesitating to make anothe rmove, so he put a song from "She`s always a woman", a cover from billy joel. Veeery beautiful song at first glance, to sweep me off my feet again. I assume he did that, because he was sorry for that episode with "Best Sex Ever", because in that picture, THERE WAS ALL ABOUT HIM! red flag. But yes, wanting to believe, I ignored that and carried on. It`s funny how in his songs, he projected to me the exact same things he did himself. I will post a fragment with translations, just for the fun of the subject: Billy Joel cover: "She can kill with a smile ( He can kill with a smile) She can wound with her eyes (He can wound with his eyes) She can ruin your faith with her casual lies (He can ruin your faith with his casual lies) And she only reveals what she wants you to see (And he only reveals what he wants you to see) She hides like a child, (He hides like a child) But she's always a woman to me (But he`s always a man to me..well, not anymore:] She can lead you to love (He can lead you to love) She can take you or leave you (He can take you or leave you, but mostly always leave you) She can ask for the truth But she'll never believe (He knows the truth, but he twists it, as he likes) And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free (And he`ll take what you give him as long as it`s free) Yeah, she steals like a thief (Yeah, he steals like a thief) Chorus Ooooh she takes care of herself She can wait if she wants She's ahead of her time Ooooh and she never gives out And she never gives in She just changes her mind And she'll promise you more Than the Garden of Eden (Yes, yes, he will promise you more than the Garden of Eden) Then she'll carelessly cut you And laugh while you're bleeding (True, very true, that`s exactly what he does) But she'll bring out the best And the worst you can be Blame it all on yourself Cause she's always a woman to me hmmmm hmmmmm Chorus Ooooh she takes care of herself She can wait if she wants She's ahead of her time Ooooh and she never gives out And she never gives in She just changes her mind She is frequently kind And she's suddenly cruel She can do as she pleases She's nobody's fool And she can't be convicted She's earned her degree And the most she will do Is throw shadows at you But she's always a woman to me" You can switch for anu line, "she" with "he", and you`ll have the exact description of the N. He put that song for me, but was projecting these things onto me. When you think about it, it`s NOT a love song at all, isn`t it?! I can only assume, that maybe his mother or someone really did those things to him once, maybe when he was younger. Whoever did, did an excellent job, he learned those things perfectly. And applies them, and adds all the anger and revendge onto the people who dare to come closer to him. The Sad part in all of this, is that this guy won`t stop here, I know it. And look how many of us are here on this site! Can you imagine there is a Narc for each and every one of us?.. These guys must be made in an incubator somewhere, and then spread all over the world!

Second time online with him at a Movies and Music site(he had made comments on a video i uploaded)he said he wasn't going to be online a day after because he was depressed...about being in a shady relationship and he wanted to get out of it as quick as possible....He said he was 'DIRT'...Another time 2 months further he said he was going to stop contacting me at that site because i cwas too good to be true...i was maybe a man playing the rol of woman...and he just went offline .I remember it was a Saturday afternoon,i cried my eyes out...some hours later he cameback online and posted his picture for me,a beautiful smiling afro american...and he said sorry for what he had said...and gave me his cell number and asked me to call him...i thought,no i won't but i did afraid i would hurt his feelings maybe he would think i wasn't calling him because of his ethinicity....Then everything went very fast...Me on Skype with him and when i would ask something he wouldn't want to talk about or i gave my honest opinion about something he would hang up...then hours later calling me back and i asked him if he had gone shopping or something he would say no,i was selling my ass alover the parking lot....and i got very,very anxious,,,,he calling me very pissed off(i could hear on his voice)and i asked what happenned he did tell me he was grocery shopping(at 10 pm saturday night)and a gay guy with his friend also in the shop did not say anything back to him when he said hallo,what's up...he was very very full of rage...he said they walked away from him without giving a response....now i realize what i have been trough for 2 years...we were in a LDR....