StillStanding's story

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#1 Nov 22 - 9PM
Epiphany's picture

StillStanding's story

It's my nature when something baffles or hurts me to try to understand as much as possible. I've always believed that within the deeper meaning and understanding can come closure. I don't know what I believe anymore.

I met my XN almost 3 years ago. I was coming out of a 14 year marriage, I'd been outsourced and laid off from my job of 19 years and I think I was very vulnerable. I'd always taken such pride in the fact that I was capable, strong, independent, smart, spirited, extraverted, outgoing. Well you get the idea. I was also cold. In other words no one was getting in to hurt me. It's why I sit here today so baffled by who I have become. I was duped, abused, violated, used and left standing alone reduced to a puddle and a mess. My life is now a mess and the only person I blame is me.

He was charming, made me laugh, feel special, perfect and wonderful. There were so many red flags that I ignored because I think I needed it. Within hours of meeting him he wanted to be intimate. That didnt happen but it didnt take long. We lived almost 100 miles apart and even in the beginning he had this very odd way of saying "these are you designated days". He would ask me to come, I'd stay in a hotel and he would then make me wait until he determined the hour I should come, if we had a sleep over, when I would be dismissed, etc. I was confused. He'd invite me to drive up and MAYBE we'd get together, then hang out with like his 5 friends, keep me away until he was ready. Bizarre. I did not understand. I was normal, nothing about any of this was normal.

He would beckon, determine, dictate how and when everything happened. He emailed me dozens of times daily and you could tell he was hiding things but I did not know what. He had a 10 year old and days with his son were NOT spent with me. He had no desire to introduce us. I'd been to his house, which he bragged was paid for but also a disgusting bachelor pad. You know, smells like cat piss, no toilet paper, dirty, 80's decor, used furniture, beer bottles everywhere. I wasnt impressed but I did give him props for not having a mortgage. It wasnt until much later I found out his parents had paid for the house, his car, etc. He had acquired nothing on his own. He worked to pay his child support and keep his family appeased. He would have me come after 6 on Sundays when his son went home and stay until Wednesday when he had his son again. It was during those days I saw the drinking problem but not until a few months in that I saw things I'd never imagined in my life. Weekends without his son were sometimes spent with me but mostly with his pig friends. And trust me, these guys were all single, all married once or never, had one kid, some had life long STD's, were total losers that lived with their mommies and basically had no jobs. In their 30's. They did and still do direct him about who was acceptable. When I became a problem they told him how I was no good and I was discarded. I was constantly baffled. Like really? How old are you? Removing age and the lack of any responsibility whatsoever as a factor they all grossed me out. My XN was average looking at best but I was insanely attracted to him and I still have no idea why. He's small, balding, no chin, but my god he could kiss. I missed kissing, apparently too much to see the sun for the moon. I don't know what was missing in my life so much that I continued this charade. It should have been over after 2 months.

At 2 months he invited me for the WHOLE weekend. Oh he must have been falling for me, I finally got a whole weekend!!! Friday we played, drank, had awesome sex (well I always thought it was awesome but I've come to realize how selfish it was). I of course went out of my way to be the best lover he'd ever had. It was exhausting and empty but oh how I tried. Saturday, a day I'll never forget, along with many other days of the week. Anyway, we got up Saturday morning and he immediately started drinking. I try not to judge, with my unemployment I'd been known to tip the bottle earlier in the day so I didnt think too much of it. He sat in front of his computer to play a video game, World of Warcraft. Now I'm perplexed, how a man in his mid 30's plays video games but I take my place on the couch and stay there for 14 hours while he gets completely bombed. A dozen beers, 750 ml of Jaegermeister and a ton of marajuana. I don't know how much I left my corner of the couch that day. If you found a safe and clean spot in this place you didnt move much. I had never seen anyone so wasted in my life. He passed out on the floor in front of the computer. I was able to get him up and into the shower. Not only was he drunk he has terrible BO so I was killing two birds with that stone. I have never seen anyone like this and I'd had plenty of drunk moments in life myself. After the shower he started screaming at me and calling me a whore, swinging at me, demanding I leave him $100, then trying to lay on me, kiss me, have sex with me. Trust me, this guy wasnt getting anything up. I think I was in total shock. I secured him on his passed out side, packed my bag and hit the road to go home and I smiled the entire way while I said to myself "oh hell no" and "good riddance". Gross, gross, gross. What a pig. Then Sunday came and he starts texting me, calling me baby, acting as if nothing ever happened. I told him what he'd done and that so was I. Then his friends start texting me how sorry he is, he was drunk, he didnt mean it, let him explain, make it up to me and I was sucked back in again and was for a couple more years. Because you know he really felt bad! If I could do anything in my life over again, that would be the very moment. I would have NEVER been treated that way or accepted that apology. It felt so good leaving his house that night. Why on earth did I ever get sucked back in?

So it began. I moved in with him, gave up my 300k house to my soon to be X husband, moved, was in a huge metropolis and looking for work. While he worked, I scrubbed and cleaned, prepared meals, did the yard work, anything to make him think I was amazing. I didnt give him rent but I bought all the food and booze. Trust me, booze was a several hundred dollar a week expense. I learned how life was. Every night was drinking night, except Wednesday and every other weekend. Once he had me and I'd moved he told me we were "friends". No longer perfect or his girlfriend I was his maid and servant and I could not turn back, I had no where to go. I tried to commit suicide. Oh imagine his disgust. I remember thinking in that moment as I downed a bottle of lorazepam with booze how could I have made such a huge mistake? I may have been in the process of losing my beautiful house but it was clean and safe and I'd worked my whole life for it and here I was, strange town, strange house, strange man, strange life. This guy that was so fun and had made me feel so alive turned so cold and was a bastard unlike any man I'd ever known. The minute he had me, moved me in, he turned so fast and cold and I had no idea people like this existed. I did not know what devalue and discard meant. So I tried harder. After two months and having squatters on our couch, all playing video games, eating my food, drinking our booze, I spent every day not knowing how the hell this happened. In July 08, he threw me out because he wanted to have a party. I wasnt having a f'ing party but he looked at me in the car and said "I dont want a girlfriend anymore". I had nowhere to go. I slept in my car the first night and asked my X husband if I could come back to our house until I found another place. He graciously let me. I was a complete mess. What the hell was going on? I had no idea.

September 08 I found a job, a roommate and moved and XN was back within one week. I stopped at his house to get mail or something. Had not seen him in months and we went and partied that night and he spent the weekend with me at my new place. Game back on. He was in love, we were in love, I had pneumoia the next week but I was to go cook for him and his son, be on call for sex, I was so sick and I never said no. Hell I never slept at my new place and by November he was begging me to move back in. I was so reluctant. He begged and promised and I gave in. I was there all the time and it would save me money so I gave my notice on my month to month for 12/15. On 12/14 when we went to get the moving van his loser friend was there and said to him "you know, once they move their furniture in they never leave". Before we left that night, he looked at me and said "this is just until you find something else". I was in such shock I could not breathe. I had a place he'd just asked me to give up, he begged me to move in, I'd given my notice and before I even moved my stuff he was already telling me to find something else. I was devastated. How could I move in now? But now I had no choice. They unloaded the furniture into the hallway and went to play ping pong, video games, drink, get wasted and I was left to move all the heavy beds, tv's, everything. He did not help at all. I was in such shock, I didnt want him near me anyway. It only lasted 4 or 5 weeks. He had actually found a lump in my left breast so I went and had a mammogram. They contacted me and told me they needed more tests. He never said ONE word to me about it after he found out the lump was really a lump, after he initially begged me to go get it checked. It was 3 weeks (holidays) before my scheduled appointment. It was the most horrific, disgusting, sleepless, him being drunk and our house never being without drunk people, strangers, drinking every night and partying until 2 or 3 AM, when I had to be up at 6 to go to work. I'd go to bed, lock the door, try to sleep and the party just went on around me. I was such a mess I almost lost my job. I think if it had not been for the good graces of my boss knowing my situation I would have. Waiting for breast exam results, no sleep, being treated like a total stranger in this home. People stopped in and stayed for days. Ate the food I paid for. I'd make my lunch for work and wake up and it would be eaten. I never knew who was sleeping in the house. He'd let any loser off the street drink, party and stay there. He would be drunk every night and come to bed and want to have sex. Every morning he would roll over and say "pants off honey" and I honestly thought giving him sex would make him love me. One night he would not take no for an answer. He pinned me down, put his hand over my face and took what he wanted, I fought for what I could, until I just laid there and cried and he finished. I will never be the same. I see that in my dreams, nightmares, it was horrific. I now dont even remember how I functioned. He raped me. But it was ok because he didnt remember doing it. He did not understand how I was reduced to this crying little weak baby. How could I? His friends would call me names, lock me out in the snow, tell me to F off and die, call me freeloader, bitch, shove me, hit me. He never stopped them or said anything to them, stood up for me. Ever. By January I was such a mess I went to my doctor, I was on the floor, a mess, he put me on anti-depressants and inquired if I was safe. I lied. After my breast biopsy (he went to the bar that night and never asked how it turned out) we had a big blow up because he spent 2 days drinking himself almost to a coma. He punched me, left bruises on me, told me he was going to fuck other women, I was not able to function here anymore, the cops were there, twice in one night, I couldnt work the next day, I told my boss why. He found me a place to live and moved me out in 4 days. XN went to the bar that Saturday too, never helped move, never inquired where I'd be going. And so this went.........

He was back in Feb and in love with me. I had my own place so a reasonable sense of safeness. He waited until the day after Valentines, so he didnt have to spend a nickle on me. It was good until days before my birthday in June, then he broke up with me but at 2AM the day after my birthday he was back. Texting me, missing me, loved me. Perfect, the birthday was over and not acknowledged. I'd gotten my divorce settlement, take him to Vegas, buy him expensive PGA tickets, baseball, hockey tickets, rock band, computer shit, clothes, shoes, whatever he wanted. In 3 years he has given me 2 DVD's, ear buds and a blanket. That is for every event. Birthdays, anniversarys, Christmas, everything. But I was to cook, clean, be on call, buy his groceries, he had no money, jump when he said jump, be perfect, do what I was told, when I was told and all was right with the world. More breakups, more make-ups. Every time if I would balk about feeling used, undervalued, his drinking with his friends or ignoring me for days/weeks on end I was put out like trash. I never understood. How do you love on Sunday and hate to the point of 'you are garbage' by Tuesday. I always forgave, tried to forget, thinking he made me happy. The very little I got I was to not complain about. The minute I did or disrupted a party night or event for him I was ignored, discarded once again, a used kleenex.

This man has been so drunk that when I've asked to him to just sleep he put a knife to his throat and told me he'd kill himself. He's asked me to go to the kitchen get a knife, stab him in the head and kill him. He has told me my father (who I adored and is now dead) never loved me and that I deserved the beatings I got from my stepfather. I told him these things because I thought I could trust him. When I balked and fought back because it hurt me immensly he told me I was garbage and put me out again. Everything always turned to benefit him. I was not allowed feelings or to stand up for myself or to resist anything he said. I was to shut up and take it and if I did nothing then I was a good girl and rewarded. If I took the stand my real brain told me to and told him how horrible, drunk, pathetic and disgusting he was well you know the door I was shown.

In Dec 09, 4 days before Christmas he'd been driving my car, I took it to drive home and my transmission went out on a 4 lane major interstate. I called him and told him I was scared and stranded, he told me to call him back then turned his phone off and left me. In a city where I have no friends, on a major interstate, where the weather was zero degrees and I had no options. I called my boss, basically the only friend I feel like I have, who obviously must think I'm the epitome of pathetic. XN called me 5 hours later and I would not answer, nor would answer any call of his after that. I was car less, scared, so angry I'd been left out there and he turned it on me and told me I was crazy, unreasonable and ridiculous. Of course. No Christmas for me, no New Years. He left a doormat in a plastic bag for me. A doormat!!!! How appropriate. He took his gifts, new shoes, clothes, which he desperately needed. Gifted for his son. BTW, he'd let me around a lot before then, weekends with his son. I brought food, cooked for them, catered and was used more. They both treated me pretty bad. The 3rd week of January 2010 I'd been sick for days, I went to the doctor, I was pregnant, ectopic pregnancy. I told him. He told me I was disgusting, that it wasnt his baby. The shots to dissolve the pregnancy didnt work and my tube ruptured, I had to have emergency surgery. He was more than willing to be back as soon as that evil baby was no longer an option. I was left with thousands in medical bills. I was left with a horrible broken heart but You know, not his problem. Back together again! Break up before my birthday. We email, tease, break up, make up. Every time I feel like he changed, he never did. I'd push back about something and I was shown my place on the proverbial curb.

All this time, every time, my anger grew. I lashed out, I text message terrorized. I was angry and mean. I felt guilty and horrible, I felt mad and crazy, just as he said. I went to treatment, to therapy, I emailed his parents and told them what a horrible scum bag he was. I fought hard, for me. I always knew this was a sickness so dark. I have spent hours in the car with drunk and high XN. I have been called whore, endlessly, for hours, punched, told to go F other men for money, that's all I'm good for. I have gone when called for, done when told what to do, given up everyone and everything in my life to sustain this sickness. After one breakup and drunken bad fight, he locked me out (AGAIN) and after a couple of hours of him not answering the phone or door I rammed his garage door with my car. I got a DWI that night after he called the police and told them I had a gun. That has left me barely able to buy food for myself or be mobile. I think maybe the stress made me so sick I have been in the hospital twice and they found a growth in my colon on a CT scan. I wont have the colonoscopy they tell me they need to determine what it is. I just cannot take more bad news right now. I'm afraid it will kill me.

When does it stop? He had me where he wants me. All family and friends estranged. Alone. Broke. Scared. Where did my life go? My strength, my spirit, my sense of right and wrong?

I feel crazy, a lot. I let him back even after he gave me a criminal record when I have lived my life free of all of that. It came down to him making plans with me and standing me up because he could not tell his friend that he and I had plans. I went ballistic. I have been devalued and made to sit on the sidelines and wait to be told when I'd get to have time with him, where, how, how much, how we'd have sex, what I'd cook, how I'd behave. Every time my anger got worse and I fought back harder. Every time I've been told what a nut I am. I think I was just fighting for my dear life. For what I know is good and beautiful and still respectful, in me.

Today I wrote his eulogy to him. I wish he was dead, although I'd never do anything to hurt him I'd love nothing more than to expose him. I want him to hurt every hurt he's caused me. To his parents who enable his bad behavior by believing all his lies. He knows how to manage and decieve his funds enough to drink, gamble, lie and keep them funding him. I know broke. Broke isnt eating out several nights a week or pool league at the bar, or bowling or nights out drinking, any of that. I'm so broke I can't buy food or leave my house except to work. The friend I have left brings me food, has helped me with money for gas and getting my license back. But there's no nights out, no movies, no meals out, no fun. How can he? He owes me thousands, I'll never see it. But you know, I'm just the crazy girl. How he has no thought, remorse, feelings about the situation he's put and left me in but continues on with his life as if there never was a life with us, medical bills, thousands for what he owes me when I financed his good times, his whims, his total fucking bullshit lies.

I miss so many things about the life I used to have. Boring. How horrible. What this pig did to me and my beautiful wonderful soul is the tragedy. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever trust another human being? I cant have anyone even touch me or put their arms around me. Will I ever forget enough to feel and have anything normal again?

I do not think I will survive another round of this. He emailed today and I could not look at it. I go and look at pictures of the bruises he has left on me so many times. The pictures of our baby I had living inside of me. My zero bank account. My legal bills and the financial devastation. How many days I went hungry and told him and he would not even respond or help. This tragedy, well it's my life now. I want to save me. I used to be kind and loving, helpful, wonderful, giving, sweet, strong. I'm broke, broken and sick now. I'm alone and scared. I want my life back.

Dec 27 - 7PM
justicejones's picture


What a discusting pig!! And to think, we keep falling for their stupid pleadings to take them back. You, I and all of us deserve better! Stay strong and never, ever look back. I know what you mean about how different you are now than before. I am so much different. I am not as happy and carefree. Most of my time is spent trying to figure it all out. I have actually become more self absorbed, trying to find answers and recovery. Your story is very sad, yet I can relate so much to yours. I am glad you are here and thank you for sharing your story!
Dec 25 - 6PM
CougarBabe7's picture


Stillstanding, you are an incredibly strong woman. I can hardly believe all you went through with your XN. Horrible! It's amazing the lengths that we will go to in order to be "with" these guys. I'm so thankful I got out WAY early with my N. Reading your story humbles me, because I clearly see now how far it could have gone. I too care about people and make a great codependent. But with counseling, informative websites such as this one, books and educational videos, I am learning to spot the N's a lot sooner than I was before. I hope you will continue to move forward into recovery and healing. God knows you deserve it! And thanks for sharing your story.
Dec 16 - 1PM
agartha's picture

My situation was milder, but oh that DRAW toward the individual.

A therapist I saw wanted to lay it all on my doorstep, saying I was codependent. I simply don't buy that in its entirety.... I am recovering after my own 3 plus years of situations of reach and withdraw to extremes, other women, a narcissistic mother-in-law, bipolar alcoholic son-in-law...and crisis after crisis after crisis. What amazes me is how difficult it has been to just let it go and turn away. Like you, I tried to comprehend what in the world was happening...and why I always seemed to fall short. He seemed the darling out in society. There seem to be copious numbers of stories like these....what has changed? I'm still looking at my own actions and just what the draw was. It's like a parasite - although now removed, seems to have left a marker of sorts. Thank you for your courage...hang in there!!!
Dec 16 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Epiphany's picture

Is constant crisis part of living this life?

Thank you argatha. I hope you're finding strength and understanding. I certainly don't understand the draw. If I saw this guy on paper I wouldnt even want to know him. Mine, unlike yours, was not darling out in society. Last Easter we celebrated at a bar, his choice. I had a horrible cough, would've preferred to just lay low at home but no. He could never sit still unless he was so strung out from days of partying.....anyway. While at the bar he wants to play some stupid video game, while standing there I cannot stop coughing and he looks at me and meanly says "STOP COUGHING NOW". People looked at him like he was an animal and I was a child. I shut down so fast, continued to play his little game until he wanted to leave but I never said another word. We finally left and he wanted to go for dinner, I turned my head as far as I could to the window and started to cry and he started screaming at me "DONT START THAT CRYING BULLSHIT". Once at the restaurant, which was basically empty he started in on a couple that was there with their baby. They were black and he was saying the most racist, vile things about black people. Then he started in about our sex life and how if he couldnt make me orgasm every time that we were through because he had to be able to do that, it was important to him. I'll never forget that day and how horrible it was. How small I felt. How a woman with strength, character and any sense of herself would've just walked away and never looked back. Seeing that monster sitting across from me, hating everything about him and yet I've gone back time and time again. Who does that? When I think of days like that I see myself as weak and pathetic. A woman with any grit would've closed that door at any behavior even close to this and much earlier and never opened it again. He said to me not long ago that "we had a good run" and it enraged me. That's how he classifies 3 years of this abuse. WOW. I know I'm not as affected as I once was by anything he says or does anymore but he still has the power to make me so angry. Now I'm learning to enjoy my time alone, I sleep fine, I don't cry, the intrusive thoughts are not near as bad and any warm thoughts I retain are pretty much overtaken by ones of pure loathing. I've always felt uncomfortable hating someone but I believe in this case it's justified.
Dec 21 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Alibi_10's picture

Constant Crisis

I read this with interest, Jade66 it stirred up some memories for me of being embarrassed in public by N's behaviour, lecturing me in the street about things, pointing out my multitude of faults and screaming at me not to cry - that really hit home. I can't bear to see people cry and would do anything at all to help, but he actually felt angry with ME when I cried unbelievable. His eyes would go all black and shark-like. I remember also turning my face away from him and crying silently. When he caught me, he said I was ugly with puffy eyes - which made me cry more! This abuse is insidious, and yes I have friends and family who love me, but he told me that nobody would want me and I believe him now. I am crushed, but I have lived through worse times and I don't understand why I can't just forget about this creep and move on. Reading posts where people are happier alone do help. Thank you.
Nov 30 - 12PM
truetotruth's picture

Jaded 66

Thank you for your story. I really get it. You last words were "I want my life back" I have written that sooo many times. I promise you if you hold on to that thought you will get there. I am SOOOOO angry!!! I hate that this man did this to you. I know this story all too well!!!!ALMOST EVEYTHING you have said is an echo of my past!!!! IVE HAD IT ( sorry) It breaks my heart all over again!!! You are AMAZING for withstanding the BS he put on you!!! You are still here!! You are no longer alone!!! You can be scared but know somewhere deep down there is nothing scarier than THAT BUTTFACED PIECE OF CRUD!!! I know the stresses and the worries....the money will come..... You are STILL kind loving and wonderful!! I know it!!! Its just hiding for survival....your whole world has been turned upside down and inside out!!! That girl is in there, yes maybe changed, yes maybe hurt but your soul is intact....I know this because I thought I had lost everything that made me human. You are beautiful and you are brave. You are here for a reason...somewhere the little girl inside knows deep down you deserve a fighting chance at a better life. I speak to you the truth as I know it....I am promising you, you will get your life back! You will feel liek a whole human one day and when you do you will shine!!! Hang on....
Nov 28 - 8AM
Leah's picture


Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a lot of courage and strength and you're going to get your life back. You have YOU! While my situation was a lot 'milder' than yours, I can relate and completely understand what you went through. You're on your way back to yourself, and coming here will help. It's helping me. These boards are a great source of support. Post however you're feeling, and someone will reply to check in and connect. Keep posting. You're already on your way. -Leah
Nov 22 - 10PM
ihavethecandy's picture


Wow, I am moved beyond words at the eloquence and power of your story. I am sending you so much love right now. You have moved me to tears. It is not pity that I feel for you. I am humbled and in awe of your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel honored. Continue this journey of self love. Make a stand for yourself! You deserve so much more and you will make it so!
Nov 25 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Epiphany's picture

Thank You

Thank you ihavethecandy. I suppose today is appropriate to dig down and find things to be thankful for. I'm surprised how easy it is. Because the smallest things can leave us with gratitude. Although many invited me to share this day I chose to spend it alone, clean cobwebs not just in my house but in my soul. I have found the past couple of days, strength and courage in myself I thought I had lost. That it should never be possible for another person to break our spirit or remove from us things that do make us beautiful. Perhaps he was a heartless, cruel person but I am not and I don't want to be reduced to being a hateful, loveless, mean individual like him. His game was to make me feel mentally deficiant and watch me self destruct. So everyone would feel sorry for him because of what I put him through. My mean words and attempts to make him accountable for the vile acts he perpetrated on me are absolutely nothing compared to the lengths he went to brainwash, trap, manipulate and use me and always leave me standing to feel as if I had nothing in this world left but to love him. Know what I have? I have insight now into the pathological ways. I have forgiveness for myself and acceptance for the fact I gave my whole heart to another person. Regardless of my wounds I know there is nothing or no person that will stop me from giving my beautiful heart again someday. Maybe now I am smart enough to recognize abuse for abuse and pathology for pathology. No matter how I've reacted to his sick treatment of me that I was merely fighting to save myself. Today I finally washed the bedding. For weeks I could not bare to think it was the last time I might smell him, nor could I sleep in my own bed because of the memories. WHY? He smells like the monster and animal he is. I didnt just give my body, I gave it all. I think that regardless when you feel in love that is not a horrible thing. This year I give myself the 30 days to Christmas. He has ruined every holiday, birthday, special day for me for almost 3 years and he's not getting that, never again. I took my last breath as he pushed my head under and I fought back, fougth hard, for everything wonderful left in me and I came up with air. I've survived a long run of abuse, sickness, heartbreak and things so unthinkable they will never leave me but I will not let them own me. Everything he took can be rebuilt and there were also things he gave me that I will never thank him for but I am grateful for. I do not need his remorse or acknowledgment (which would never happen in the first place). Today I cleaned house. Burned every picture, boxed and removed every item, deleted every email. Blocked his phone, text and email. Even if he could get to me again well he just can't get to me. 2008, 2009 and 2010 may have been designated to his psychological devastation and trauma but I'll be damned if he gets to take even another day from me. I feel bad for his parents. They believe his lies and yet deep down I imagine it's easier to do that than to know your grown child is a monster. I suppose the lies we tell ourselves to protect ourselves are always a last ditch effort to not face truths and accept harsh reality. I know I did for a very long time. Sometimes facing the demons and slaying them, then walking away in self love is the kindest gift we'll ever give ourselves. This will not conquer my spirit, not anymore. I may not be whole but I'm fully committed to restoring the beautfiul, amazing person I am still. He could never fully take that. I guess that makes me the real winner.
Nov 23 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Epiphany's picture

I guess I am a dreamer. I

I guess I am a dreamer. I have always waited for him to say he was sorry. My worst was vile words tossed at him in reaction to how he treated me. I did not and I do not understand. Perhaps I never will. I have always believed that we all have a moral base, that inside everyone is goodness. I would never desert a soul, regardless of bad history. So I did not and do not understand. But that's me, I cannot stand to see anyone suffer. I guess this is exactly how I was so misled.
Dec 22 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Lil.Ms.Sunshine's picture


My XN always had a hard time apologizing. The best he ever did was, "I f**ed up." And he only said that because I'd just broken up with him. I know if he ever apologized, I would never believe there was true remorse behind it. So, I stopped hoping a long time ago. In the end, I told him that I didn't break up with him because he cheated on me; that I broke up with him because his lack of remorse frightened me. So, the next day after the break up, he called begging that he didn't have a place to stay and came over crying. And said, "See? You said I didn't have remorse." But, I tuned into his sobs and they were not real. In comparison, last night, a friend was trying to act strong, but I could tell he was deeply sad underneath.
Dec 21 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
ValiditySeeker's picture

I have waited 20 years for an apology but it won't happen.

I've stopped hoping for one. I still wonder why did it ever happen and why the H am I such a narc magnet? Every damn day I see one somewhere: the a-hole who jumps in the front of the line at the convenience store and tells everyone else to F off when they complain, the jackoff who tboned my car and was at serious fault but got out of the car screaming that I was fucking crazy. I was so shaken, I called my brother for backup and he told me later the dude had "crazy eyes." the bitches who were behind us at the Christmas parade who started threatening to beat us up (in front of all our little kids) because they couldn't see because we were in front. Uhm, hello? We got here first; if you wanted a better spot, YOU get here first! Every. Single.Day. There is a nasty biatch in my face. I stg, I need to get my aura cleaned.