Still trying to understand -did I have a trauma bond?

I am STILL going over things about the N in my mind. The time clock next to my profile name kind of bugs me in that I feel pressured, like I SHOULD be way past him and not still thinking so much about him. (self imposed pressure)

When some of the newbies post after 2 weeks that they want the grief cycle to be over I understand but also say get comfortable, it will be awhile!

The good news is that I do feel like I am finally getting back to ME and I have been doing better and started off just by keeping a commitment to exercise and get out of the house more. I fell into a depression after the surgery and his disappearance. I never thought Yoga would be hard, but I found my self crying during exercise so often, I had to make peace with that too.

It was like I had a physical wound down my chest, like someone cut me open. I would have pain in my chest, I guess anxiety but also heartache.

I was tied up in knots with CD and could not sleep, eat or talk to anyone that understood. I did go see one therapist but she provided me no real help or feedback. I wanted answers so bad but none were there.

I posted yesterday that I felt like the harder or longer we loved them, the hard we fall, the harder it was to get back up.

I wonder what it was that about him and what he did to me that knocked my world off it's axis the way he did?

I did not feel like I would return to 'normal' in the beginning. It was awful to feel that way!! He slowly tortured me with his silent treatment. While I was recovering from surgery I would just lay there and blankly stare, I could not pay attention to the TV or books, my mind was so focused on him and why he was doing this. As we waited for the background check to come back I wondered what I would find. My worse case scenario was that he was really married and a serial cheater, master liar. And that is what came out.

My cancer biopsy was not something I was concerned about - can you believe that? the real test results I wanted weren't going to come from me.

While I was laying there recovering from surgery and grieving he was with his wife and racheting up the supply!!

God it hurt me so much. I was in disbelief, like they must of messed up something and got another narc with the same narc name?! I would just shake my head and say 'no, he's not married' and 'no, that would mean he lied to me about everything from the start'. My Mom would say it again and repeat the report details. She was livid with him too.

Was this a trauma bond ? I was so deeply hurt by him that it has somehow scarred my mind? that I am so affected by him emotionally he destroyed me for a while that I am some how different and changed?

I am embracing accepting what I can't change and that I know after learning about NPD logically I understand that this would of never worked and I honestly say I do feel happy that I was not lied to for a longer period of time.

I have read and read on NPD it seems I never get sick of it yet. I feel I still have more to learn. I didn't trust my own judgement after I came out of the fog.

I felt like he did this all so intentionally just to see if he could and enjoy it & he just to teared me down in the process. I don't get how or why he went through all the effort just to emotionally wreck me for loving him.

The way he was right before he left, turning my questions around on me placing blame on me while lying to my face! I got SO CLOSE to the truth while I had him there and yet I was powerless because I couldn't confirm it.

I am still trying to understand and yet I can't put into words what that really means.

I have made peace with the fact he takes up so much of my brain/thinking because I had NO CHOICE but to make peace with it.

If you had a trauma bond is it somehow more difficult to let them go? is it more difficult to forget?

thanks everyone