So I haven't posted in awhile simply because I don't have anything new to report or say. I find myself continuing to swirl and not wholeheartedly accepting that my ex was an N -- even though anyone who has heard anything about him sees it in a heartbeat. I've been trying to focus on me and what I need to change about me, learning to find myself and my self esteem again, but everyday is a challenge. Lately I've seen so many people talk about hoovers and I have to admit, though I know what everyone will say, I am jealous. Part of me wishes my ex would hoover. I know it's not a good thing, but his complete silence makes me question if he was an N all together. I know it's most likely because I'm simply not good supply for him any longer and he's moved on, but if he did hoover, it would give me some validation and make me feel like I had the control. I broke NC before the holiday, foolishly trying to seek "closure" with him. No response. Not a surprise. He wants nothing to do with me and I should be grateful, because regardless if he's a N or not, he's just not a good guy to lie and cheat like he did. So I'm going to stop babbling on, just updating to say I'm still struggling. Still not seeing clearly and trying so hard to stop denying everything and work on fixing what is the issue within me that got me here in the first place. It's just hard. I haven't been able to sleep, I cry all the time, I honestly feel like I'm losing it. And tomorrow I need to go back into the office for the first time in 2 weeks and have the potential of seeing the OW and praying that I don't -- I don't need to have the trigger to start me swirling even more than I have on my own -- was she with him at Christmas, are they engaged, etc. I know it all doesn't matter, but I hate the idea of even seeing her.