Still struggling....

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#1 Apr 18 - 12PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Still struggling....

I'm still struggling with my situation so much. Sometimes I feel back at square one and not sure if she IS a narc even. I still seriously question this...WTF?!?!

I remember an event very clearly that should make me believe she's a narc. I have a life-threatening allergy to pecans and walnuts. We were out moonlight bowling....her and her husband, and me and my husband. I ate a hazelnut (i know, why push it:) out of my husband's drink......then started the lip and facial swelling....then the wheezing and difficulty breathing....feeling you could faint anytime. It is a very scary feeling. Well her HUSBAND rushes to get me an epi pen as my husband is helping me get to the car...her husband asks if I'm OK...looks concerned....calls to check on me while I'm in the ER. NOT HER!....she didn't seem phased at all by the event.....and supposedly she LOVES me. Her husband emailed me the next day asking if I'm OK and how that was so scary and he's glad it all worked out. I got nothing from HER. She didn't seem to care that I was in such serious condition....in fact seemed annoyed with her husband's concern for me.

Anyway, I saw narcette's car parked at a store I went to Saturday evening and it brought me so much pain. I almost cried just seeing her stupid ass car! It is a black car with tinted widows, special wheels, and a vanity plate(of course!) so you know it's hers. I'm sure she was there with her husband having a grand time on a Saturday night. Then I'm right back to all the ick....how could she say she's not in love with me anymore after all I did and all we were to each other??? She's not suffering like I am....it's not fair and that pisses me off.
I guess I'm a little surprised that I'm still struggling to accept all of this :(
Thanks for listening!
~KG

Apr 19 - 12PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Perfect example of no empathy

That's a PERFECT example of how they have no empathy. They take no notice of our struggles until it absolutely reflects upon them somehow. My first BIG RED FLAG is much the same as yours was. I was on a group camping trip in college with my ex Narc and a bunch of buddies. Just a group of young kids hiking around the woods and up a mountain. Well, I had bouts of asthma back then, and I over exherted myself and started wheezing once we reached the top. Then I stopped breathing altogether. I was literally frozen panicked, unable to draw a breath because my windpipe completely closed up. My best friend had to pin me to a rock and hold me there in order to get me to calm down. She was quietly ordering me to breathe. You would think my new BF the narc would have shown ANY sort of concern or seek help? Nah. He was too busy chatting up with his buddy. In fact I thought I saw him shoot a look towards me that said how annoyed he was about it. Its almost like he thought that I was making it all up. It was an act to get his attention, or something. Well, can you say PROJECTION? His whole life was about acting. Making things up to get attention. So naturally he would think the same about me. He was the one who suggested, organized, and "led" the whole camping trip in the first place, so in his mind I was just trying to steal his thunder. I was incredulous about this the whole time. But what is even more incredible was that I didn't kick his pathetic ass to the curb the minute we got back home. Oh well. It looks as if we are all n the same boat on this one, eh? They are that good at what they do. But as far as our part in the whole fiasco....I think we are coming from a place of fear. I finally figured out that I have always been afriad of letting these types of people go...for fear of having nothing to replace them with, or fear that I might replace them with something equal or worse. To this day I still haven't figured out where that fear comes from, and if I never do I guess that's ok, because at least I am armed with the knowledge that these douchebags exist, and how to sopt them and just say NO!
Apr 19 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I have decided to stop

I have decided to stop calling your narcette....an a-hole. It's not right. It's not Christian. It's funny. lol But, it's not beneficial... I don't look at mine that way either. I look at him as a broken man. A broken man I need to stay away from, an abuser...but, that's what I think these people are. Broken. Abusive. People we need to stay away from, because they mean us harm. It's hard to grasp in this life...that someone would want to harm you, and you've done nothing but be kind to him/her. But we make these people bigger than life. This is but a blip on the radar screen. This isn't cancer. This isn't my kid is in a hospital dying. This isn't losing my job. This isn't being homeless. People worse off than me...and they have no choices. I had a choice to remove this man from my life. And I did. He was like a cancer, no doubt. You have the same choice. Don't make her bigger than she is. Heal. Figure out things that caused you to gravitate to her to begin with. In this, will be great freedom.
Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #30)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Oh Deidre...you're so sweet

Oh Deidre...you're so sweet :) I know you don't mean it. I think it is OK to goof around a little and make light of these very heavy situations when we can :) I LOVE to laugh...and you help me to do that here. But I agree...I'm not hateful or vengeful towards narcette. I feel bad for her....she is sentenced to a life of emptiness. However, it doesn't mean I'll allow her to feed off of me and cause me harm. But I understand what you are saying :) ~KG
Apr 18 - 5PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

KG!

Repeat after me. SHE IS AN ASSHOLE. You knew I'd say that. :D LOL I am sorry KG. I am somewhat fortunate in that the narc and I don't live in the same town or state. I can only imagine your anguish running into her...seeing her car. Here's the thing. Regardless of what this woman is...a narc...an asshole...a pissy bitch...lol She is not what this is about anymore. It's what she represents. THAT is what I figured out for myself. There is a God-shaped hole in all of us, that can't be filled with anyone. Not even a healthy person. There could be something you are lacking...that you FEEL you are lacking, and the natural tendency is to run back to memories of her. Because on some level, we all stayed in these dysfunctional relationships to fill a void. To fill something we lack. Or lacked growing up. So ...my advice. would be to really reflect on why you are struggling with this...and try to find closure TO THAT. Because once you find closure to that? She will start to evaporate. I promise you this. NC will become easier. I have NO DESIRE to hear from the guy I broke up with. Granted, seeing him online will trigger emotions. But, I'm not a robot. I will allow myself to feel those emotions...until I don't anymore. But, what I won't feel anymore, is the need to fill a void with the asshole anymore. So, this is less about them, and more about us. Yes, they hurt us. But, they're gone now. If we keep hurting...can we still blame them?? Just something to ponder. I'm praying for you, chick. {{hugs}}
Apr 18 - 6PM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Well Said Diedre!

KG Listen to Diedre... AND I need my memory refreshed...Narcette is crazy twisted pissy bitch right? We were up to four adjectives weren't we?... On a serious note KG...think about what everyone here is saying...we will play the tapes early on...and it takes time...and it's ups and downs...don't get frustrated because it's not just vanishing... Day by day, step by step... Hugs!
Apr 18 - 5PM (Reply to #25)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Deidre...You're probably

Deidre...You're probably right... I must be lacking or missing something. And I'm just crying now because I have no idea what it is :( I feel like I have a lot of work to do and I don't know where to start.... thank you for your kind words... and especially the hugs....REALLY needed that today ~KG
Apr 18 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Oh! Poor word choice...I'm

Oh! Poor word choice...I'm sorry. I didn't mean you are lacking. I meant more that what draws us to these types, and keeps us fixated ...THAT ...whatever THAT is...is really what will break you free. Not if she says sorry. Not even if she tells you she loves you. I have decided ...this isn't about them, anymore. I want to be free of making bad choices...I have chosen narcs to date before, and I had to come to the realization that part of that had to do with something lacking in me. For me, it was my childhood trauma. Now, there could be nothing lacking in us, and we start dating someone like this. Sure. That happens. But, what keeps us sucked in to the dysfunction, when they clearly have d&d'd us...THAT. Is what we need to get to the heart of. I hope you know what I mean...damn, sometimes I don't say the right words! lol {{hugs}}
Apr 18 - 6PM (Reply to #27)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

No worries D....I understand

No worries D....I understand :) ~KG
Apr 18 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

KG

It is hard to come to terms with but the incident with the allergy is a major flag...one that should in hindsight be one that is suffocating you with the thought of how disordered and lacking in empathy she is! Annoyed her husband was paying attention to you? How dare your emergency STEAL HER LIMELIGHT?!... This woman never loved you...she said she loved you...she is a stranger, she never bonded. You can believe her I love you's about as much as you can driving through a toll booth and after paying the toll embracing and absorbing the toll booth collector saying "I love you" it has about that much weight...not just with her but with a NARC which is I believe most of us have concluded she does live up to the name NARCETTE! It will take time, and yes, we replay the tapes and ruminate...but review your story again and really really try to absorb the BLARING message and evidence of who and what you were involved with. Hugs!
Apr 18 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Michele.....thank you SO very

Michele.....thank you SO very much for your support. I really hate sinking back into the pit of darkness and confusion....don't like whining, self-pity and feeling crazy...ick! Thanks for getting messed hair and a rumpled skirt because of her for me LOL! :)...sure is validating when others get irritated by what she's done. You'll never know how much you've helped me.
Apr 18 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Yeah....and then she'd say in

Yeah....and then she'd say in instances like this that she has to hide her feelings in front of her husband....she doesn't want him to know how she feels for me. It plants the seeds of doubt and I could never argue with her about that. And that actually happened a couple times....where she would be annoyed if her husband gave me any attention. In fact kind of gave him a hard time about it in front of others and once accused me of having a thing for her husband!!! Whatever! It's so f---ed up!! ~KG
Apr 18 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

She is an _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She is an _ _ _ _ _ _ _ !! Fill in the blank. :D LOL!!! She suspected you of cheating, because she was cheating. Look. You made a mistake, and you're trying to get right with your husband now. And that is commendable. She is insecure, jealous, and hurtful. Once you heal. You will be a different person, looking back on this, and you'll say...what did I ever see in her? Because you won't be that same person anymore. Trust me. Keep swimmin! ;)
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #22)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

ASSHOLE..... got something

ASSHOLE..... got something right today! :) LOL
Apr 18 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

KG

For lack of a better word - Narcette is full of shit! *fixing my hair now and straightening my skirt to maintain my demeanor* The load of bullshit lies in the fact that NORMAL human beings have feelings, and are free to express them...one of them being empathy another compassion amongst others...if she has to hide these feelings - I'd hate to be her kids! BULLSHIT DETECTOR ON HIGH ALERT!
Apr 18 - 1PM (Reply to #20)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

unfortunately she has three

unfortunately she has three kids....I feel for them. I'm feeling so awful now :( talk to you later....
Apr 18 - 12PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Her not being concerned with

Her not being concerned with your well being after your nut allergy reaction, is a perfect example of how they have no EMPATHY. Seeing her car there was a trigger and it's completely normal that it would affect you. You are early in the recovery here and you're expecting too moo of yourself! Be patient with yourself. It's a loooong process with many ups and downs. You'll get there:) xoxo
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Staying Strong!

You are so darn good at identifying the triggers!.... Bless you that IS a gift. Hugs!
Apr 18 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Thank you SS78 :)...I hope

Thank you SS78 :)...I hope you're right and I just need more time.
Apr 18 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

KG

Hi there, I have a few questions for you? Why do you have doubts, You're here right? Trust me she is a crazy narc! You need to move forward one way or another, your thoughts of this will take time to unravel, what are you doing for yourself to heal? Have you read, seen a therapist,gotten involved in a hobby or outside activity? You need to refocus your thoughts back on to You! Time and NC will ease this pain Idealk
Apr 18 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Idealk...I love how you just

Idealk...I love how you just get right to the point :) I doubt that she's a narc because she is married to a man....maybe she just changed her mind about being involved with me and handled it extremely poorly?? I give myself time during the day to be here...otherwise my day is consumed with my fulltime job, 4 kids and husband....I have to keep it together for them. This is something I'm on my own with...nobody knows the extent that I was involved with this woman and it's up to me to clean up the mess :) I think if I can be really sure she's a narc and own it to my core....I'll be fine. I'm at 10 days NC and I hope it will keep sinking in. Thanks IdealK....appreciate your support ~KG
Apr 18 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

KG

I'm very confused...when you say "I doubt she's a narc because she's married to a man" Narcissism is a personality disorder where individuals exploit others, use others, lack empathy, and do all kinds of nasty things, operate with a false sense of self and are chameleons obsessed with image...a FALSE ONE... SO...when you say I doubt she's a narc because she's married to a man...I am questioning your reasoning as if this were true, somehow we'd have to conclude that Narcissism is a personality disorder that does not affect women married to men...it "discriminates"... We know that is NOT the case... So...how does your statement AT THIS TIME...make sense to you?
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Sorry.... I guess what i said

Sorry.... I guess what i said isn't very clear. Idealk was asking why I have doubts about whether or not she's a narc. What I meant was I have some doubts because there may be other reasons that she acted like she did..... maybe because she's married and struggling with the issue of cheating..... and the other an issue of crossing sexual boundaries/identity since she married a man, then pursued a woman. Maybe these issues were too much for her to deal with and she acted the way she did because of that..... I'll never know ....
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

KG

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is one crazy chick. Stop wondering and start healing. You did nothing wrong. She is a predator. I hate her for you. Idealk
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Thanks Idealk!...And that's

Thanks Idealk!...And that's just what I'll do! :)
Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

KG

She is a Narc , an asshole ,and everyother four letter work we can think of!!! Teehee Be Strong Idealk
Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Idealk You crack me up :)

Idealk You crack me up :) LOL Thanks for the strength...I need it today! ~KG
Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
spinning
spinning's picture

kg,

are you doing a little better? I hope so. It's a process and your N is a particular piece of work. Plus there's the whole issue of exploring sexuality to muck things up (I hope that doesn't offend you, I just say that because it makes you particularly vulnerable since it wasn't something you normally did). Be gentle with yourself. BUT STAY AWAY FROM HER. SHE's a DESTROYER. You will feel better. Ten days is early early early. Just wait it out, stay NC, stay away from her and you will not only feel better, you will THRIVE! Big hugs to you. I send the good vibes for strength and healing. sincerely (think I've finally stopped) spinning!!!!

spinning

Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Spinning.....thanks so much

Spinning.....thanks so much for asking :) I am feeling much better today than yesterday! I think my dream actually helped. I am seeking strength today. Narcette is hoovering hard. She has sent 2 emails in the past half hour saying she's sad and misses me. I'm trying not to let it get to me. And...I'm not offended at all. It is a really mucked up situation. I appreciate your support so much. You're strength and level of healing inspires me :) Big hugs back to you! ~KG
Apr 18 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

KG

Ok you are doing all the right things. Good Job! Can you see a therapist? Narc or not this chick is a head case. Its so fresh that it will take time to feel better. Pretty soon you be saying "what was I thinking" Remember Liars, users and losers Idealk
Apr 18 - 12PM
momoya
momoya's picture

What if's

I think the disbelief is natural. It takes a while to accept it. I don't know why we get hung up on certain 'what if's' but even if she is not a N, she still did not treat you in a respectful and caring manner. She was often dismissive of you and your feelings. I am so thankful I don't have to see the EX or run into him accidentally. I really do feel for you all that have to continully see them. This will pass KG. Hang in there, NC brings so much clarity. All the best!

momoya