Still somewhat confused

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#1 Nov 6 - 6PM
DLP75
DLP75's picture

Still somewhat confused

It's been ten weeks since my blind sided phone call, and it seems like a lifetime. The hardest part for me now is that during the course of the day I will miss her very much and want to see her or talk to her. Then I came to my senses, and instead of remembering the sweet, lovely lady I knew in the beginning, I force myself to think of the faultfinding, picky, jealous, nagging,argumentative, immature woman she REALLY was. I second guess myself so many times asking myself, was she REALLY that way, or did she REALLY say that? The answer comes back the same all the time, that she was. I know it's partially that I was with her ten years, but I am just so confused as to why I still think about her so much, when I know deep in my heart that I will and have not contacted or responded to her, and my mind has enough data I've revealed to myself that she is definitely a textbook narc. I just wish I could go a day without thinking of her.

Nov 16 - 8PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I get it all that you are

I get it all that you are experiencing. I was married to one for 12 years, and together 14 and we have a child together. I got d and d'd early last year and still have issues and occasional pain. 14 years under the same roof is a long time, and I have been told 2-3 years is about right for me. Sharing custody makes true separation impossible, so the triggers come more often and sometimes physically as we pick up/drop off our child at each other's homes sometimes. Bang bang bang. I so relate to the idealized version of her that you remember, and my memory plays the same tricks on me sometimes. I also relate to the jealous, spiteful, depressed, self-pitying, argumentative, immature, passive-aggressive avoider that was predominant for many years. It was a pain in the ass alot of the time. But I was in for the long haul, and was shocked when she got entangled with her dream come true co-worker/gym mate. I lived in crazy town for a few months before I wised up and moved out and filed for the divorce. Best move I ever made, should have done it sooner, with my 20/20 hindsight I can see that, lol. Do what most of us do here and try to find a willingness to work on you and look inside and find a way to grow as a man through this experience. I discovered and joined a couple of groups, started reading alot of spiritual material, and try to remind myself daily of what I do have to be grateful for in my life. I haven't done the nc thing perfectly, but I am doing fine and moving forward most of the time. Sorry it took me so long to notice your post, but I have been hiding out taking calls from the x for a couple of weeks and therefore have had my head up my ass. I pulled it out a couple days ago and am back on form and ready to rumble. ds
Nov 18 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
DLP75
DLP75's picture

Thanks!

Thanks so much Done sourcing for your comments. We weren't married, and the reason was that just as it seemed everything was going good, she'd start some kind of argument, cut off contact with me, and give me the silent treatment until she wanted to reel me back in. I'm sure she told the new guy that her and I were "just dating" so as to sooth her guilt. Oh, that's right, they have no guilt. Anyway, the day's seem to get better for me as I go through the grief and let the shock wear off, and my mind starts seeing more clearly of the problems this woman has. It's sad that they don't start their deviousness until later on in the "relationship", so the poor guy she's with now will not see things even if he wakes up before I did, until it's too late. They say the only way these people even start to see their problem is through a traumatic experience. I don't wish any physical harm on her, but I really would like to know she somehow could hurt for this as much as I have. I know there's no chance of hurting for something you don't feel though. You talk about spiritual help. I have always professed to be a Christian, so I have really leaned on the Lord through this.Thanks for your comments as all the comments on this forum has and still is helping. Have a great day!
Nov 13 - 5PM
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I completely understand

It's very confusing. It's "cognitive dissonance" and our mind's effort to make sense of the disconnect lead to obsessive thinking. Grieve. It's like a death. The death of our ideal love. Sometimes we mourn the loss of an idea masquerading as a person, though ten years is a long time. I'm sure she's more than an idea. It's hard to let go if because they "love bomb" ya, which is the same thing cults and pimps do to get us hooked. Write a list of "things I will jot forget", which is a lust of all the hurtful things she's done. God Bessie you. Hang in there.
Nov 7 - 3PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi DLP75

I feel that you may want to read the alternative forums on this site. "Share your Story" is just ultimately about initally getting it off your chest and then moving onto "all about him/her" or the "path forward". Once you have got it off your chest you might find it more helpful to read how others are dealing with their dilemma of dealing/coping with how they are managing their experience with the disordered. It will help you so much more. Hopefully you won't remain so stuck if you are exposed to how others are dealing/coping what you/they are going through. Hope that makes sense for you. Take it gently and treat yourself well. Dee x
Nov 6 - 9PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

DLP75...

I am sorry you are going through this...The only thing i can say,is to take your time to grieve,we all here have beenthrough stuff that is not easy to process,in our hearts...the brain gets it,but the heart...i wish you lots of patience with yourself,it takes time,read a lot about this disorder,it helps.Have a goodnight

Aceonelady

Nov 7 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
DLP75
DLP75's picture

Thanks!

Thank you aceonelady, I appreciate the encouragement. I always knew people wore masks, but definitely not to this extreme. Thanks again!
Nov 7 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

DLP, I have some good news...

and some "not-so-good news..." :) The good news is your thoughts of her are normal, normal, normal at the 10 week stage. Ten weeks is a short, short time to undo ten years worth of "relationship illusion." So in a nutshell, the not-so-good news is you can expect her to take up room in your head (rent free as we like to say around here) for some time to come. I know how much it bugs you, it drove me crazy that the disordered freak who almost totally destroyed me was in my head constantly), but I am here to tell you more good news: IT DOES GET BETTER! I am 12 months and one day total NC as I write this to you. I go for entire days (except recently because of D & D date triggers, etc) without even thinking of him. I noticed at around the four month mark I sometimes didn't think of him until later in the day (up until then it was there first thing when I woke up in the morning). At the six month NC mark I realized a day or two here or there where I didn't think of him at all! These days, he is very, very small and shadowy in my mind and frankly I prefer not to think about him. His "power" is all gone! Dried up and I'm mostly free. This will happen to you, too. It just takes time. I had six years in disordered hell, so I knew it would take more than six weeks to undo the damage and re-train my conditioned brain. It's a process and I'm still working it, but I want you to know I am happier now than I ever thought possible and you will be too. I wouldn't go back to the chaos and self-doubt for a zillion dollars (and I could really use the money!!). My life is full and happy now, an adventure that I love and embrace. Yours will be, too! Go easy on yourself and be patient. Time and distance and NC under your belt really do work wonders! Most sincerely (determined to never again be) spinning. THE DISORDERED ONE IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OR THE ENERGY

spinning

Nov 8 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
DLP75
DLP75's picture

Thank you!!!!

Thank you soooo much spinning! You know as well as I, That a huge part of relief is knowing others experience the same things you do, and it's nice to hear what I'm experiencing is "normal". I try to educate myself as much as possible, and it IS amazing how narcisstic she really is, I just don't want to obsess over the desease so much that I feel I'm going crazy over this. I guess the one thing that lingers is the shock factor. Anyway, I DO so much appreciate your comments and encouragement. Thanks again!
Apr 18 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Domo
Domo's picture

Still spinning