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Still having a hard time letting go.

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#1 Jul 9 - 6PM
drazia
drazia's picture

Still having a hard time letting go.

A week ago he left us. I have been in denile, frustration, depression, morning now all week. How can he say he loves me, but wont be with me? I asked him today point blank is this forever? He couldnt answer. So now I am totally messed up. I know in my head its done, but my heart is holding on.He actually told me to date others. You see if we didnt have a child together this would be a done deal. I would of cried and then forgotten about him. But he is part of my family now. My daughter keeps asking where Daddy is. My heart bleeds about it. I have been the best X in the world to him. I actually helped him pick stuff for his new place. I must be mental! He has been coming over alot to see our daughter and it pains me. He acts like Im not around. Makes himself at home. I finally told him he needs to get the rest of his stuff out of MY house. He said he wont come around if its too painful, but when he says it I die abit inside. I am trying NC unless its about our daughter. Told him he needs to tell me when he wants to see her so I can plan my time. He wants to do family things with us. I want that even though I shouldnt. You see he wasnt there for me at all when we were together and now that he has moved out he wants to be. WTF? Is it a game they play? I feel like I need to hate him to move on, but how can I hate someone who I still love? How do I look at my daughter and hate her Daddy she loves?

Jul 10 - 7AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Hi there, I too coparent with

Hi there, I too coparent with an n. It's extremely difficult and everything is a game. My advice is this- just because HE wants to do family things and stay over so your daughter will see him in the morning, does not mean that you have to allow this. Mine wants to 'build a relationship where we can talk to each other'- so he says. Well bad luck narc. He needs to have a relationship with his son but the level of relationship he has with me is my choice. I can choose to let him in or I can take the other road. The other road is my choice I am not his friend, although he can believe what he likes. He wants to do 'family things' yet he doesn't want to actually be a family. Sounds like he wants it all. But he made his choice. As a parent I would understand the confusion and worry about how all this would be affecting your daughter. But better to come from a broken home, than be in one. I only allow contact with EXN via text or email. I believe that if I speak to him or am caught up in the whirlwind again it will affect my son negatively. I am much better off being at peace and dealing with a piece of poo held at arms length, rather than in my face. My son is better off too. He might only be one, but he knows when mummy's stressed or upset. Go no contact physically and verbally. allow texts and emails only in relation to your daughter and nothing else. It's self preservation and survival. Ive had people who are in his circle call me immature and vindictive. But I don't care, I have to protect myself, my life depends on it.
Jul 10 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
drazia
drazia's picture

Not so easy

The no contact is also hard due to the fact when I said he wasnt there for us I ment it and this is what I ment. We lived together but I totally took care of our daughter. I did it all, Drs appts, dentist, play groups I take her to school, pick her up. When she is ill it is me who takes care of it and has to leave work and get her. He has never taken he anywhere beside Mc Donalds and its in my car( he has NO carseat and his car reeks from smoking) Since she was born I begged him to stop smoking in the car, get it cleaned and buy a carseat. He has not. So I WONT let him take her anywhere with out me and in my car. He isnt capible of taking care of her. Untill I feel she will be safe I cant let him take her. We were never married and I have not gone to court yet. He is giving me the $ I asked for so far. I know that will change at some point and I will have to go by what the courts feel is right but untill then I need to train him to be a Dad as much as that gives me pain I have to do it for my daughter. So I am stuck. I have to see him Im making it as little as possible, I will now not call him only tex and only if I have to. The rest I have to play it as it comes.
Jul 9 - 7PM
Journey
Journey's picture

So sorry Drazia

You are caught up in the cognitive dissonance - that is how you can hate someone you still love. Read about it for a better understanding. When he can't answer if it is forever it is because narcs can't close doors completely... they like to know if they need you again you'll have left the door slightly ajar. When they tell you to date... well, I hate to say it, but it usually means they are. But if you really were to begin falling for someone new their tune would likely change. He knows right now it isn't likely, so it is a safe thing he can say to you and if you find out he is dating and get upset, it gives him an excuse to then turn it around on you and say "well, I told you I was fine with you dating so why can't you be fine if I am". I don't know your story to know if he is or not, but they rarely mean what they say and rarely say what they mean. Read lots and lots about NPD to begin recognizing all of these tactics. Most of them are done for control only. Him wanting now to be a part of family things when before he didn't seem to care. Even the fact that he has left things at your house - it's all about convenience for him that you still have it or so he has another reason to stop by, or to keep you thinking about him by having these constant reminders surround you of his existence. As if having his child was not enough... Stay strong, keep learning and see him for WHAT he really is.

Journey on...

Jul 10 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
drazia
drazia's picture

Now he is messing with our daughter

He was suppose to come today and see her, but now he cant too tired. Yes he works nights, but dont tell her you will be here and your not. WTF! He was suppose to also get his stuff. I think he is really just tormenting me!
Jul 10 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
drazia
drazia's picture

Im starting to get it

I think you are dead on with it all. I think by being with me it fine tuned his skills. I am overly nice and caring. I kept thinking he would grow up. I didnt realize this was a disorder. Im trying to learn all I can. I really need to let go still, but its hard for me. I have a tendence of holding on no matter what not only to people but also things that are reminders. I get flash backs daily about the good times? Why when he has broken my heart? Im am trying to work on me. I guess I really need to do NC and cut him out like cancer. It will be hard to do with having a child I want to hate him, but in a way I feel bad for him. He in the end is going to be alone and I might have all of the stuff to do with our child, but I also will have all of the joy. Please everyone keep pushing me in the right direction. I know I deserve to be happy, I just dont know how to be anymore.
Jul 10 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
Still Not Sure...
Still Not Sure...'s picture

You are on the right path -

You are on the right path - you know what is best and you have already taken the right steps to get away from him for you and your daughter. Sadly, this probably won't be the last time he disappoints your daughter to get back at you. I too have a tendency to hold on to relationships that are very unhealthy - I think I'm a class codependent personality and turns out a perfect target for a narc. I didn't know anything about narcs either until a friend of mine sent me some info about it two months ago. Sadly, she won't talk to me anymore because I haven't gone NC yet. That totally kills me - and makes me feel pretty abandoned. But that's another issue I guess. You DO deserve to be happy. And totally get what you mean that you just don't know how to be anymore... I don't either. But we have daughters (mine is 3, but thank God it's not her dad that's the narc) - and we MUST show them what is acceptable behavior from a man and show them how to be strong women.... It's the major motivator for me...
Jul 10 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
drazia
drazia's picture

You are so right

Im getting tired of it all. I am so a creature of my word it is hard for me to get that most people are not like me. He made a bit deal telling her he would be here( she is also3) Now she is sad. She doesnt know that Daddy and Mommy arent together. She thinks he is working. I am starting to see what he is doing. I am not going to tex him or communicate unless I have to. Made that mistake. One tex he said he was coming soon, next how much he misses our daughter and that he wants to stay over so she can see him in the am then the next hes not coming too tired. He did that all to hurt me and I took the bait and texed back. Well Im done with it. Today I am going to put all his stuff in garbadge bags in the garage.