Steal your joy

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#1 Nov 18 - 8PM

Amazed

Steal your joy

Do you find, the pathological N strives, literally, has the ambition, to steal your happiness, your joy, your pleasure, you simplicity, and your esteem? YOUR LIFE!!

Is this not so contrary to the continuity of a relationship, and why would they aim at this, where does it ultimately get them?

Ahead? Ahead of what?

What a poor goal in life, to try to stress, take advantage, ruthlessly exploit, use, abuse, and knowingly hurt others and think that's what makes you proud.

#2 Nov 23 - 3PM

Marie

Made to feel crappy about good things

Yes, my N did this to me. In the beginning I believed I was imagining it. How could this great guy who adored me be trying to throw a monkey wrench in my career? But he was. After awhile I learned not to be honest about my week whether it was busy or not. Those were the days he'd call and be on the phone for hours or constantly texting, IMing. So many times I'd have to call a client last minute to get more time on a project or pay high messenger fees to get jobs in on time. Right before we broke up the month of August I was to close up shop to spend with him. As I began clearing my calendar he began the D&D once again. I also found yet another woman outside of OW number one in his life. I changed my plans and took a temp spot at a company to help my horrible financial situation. His comment was if that's what you want to do. He had promised to give me a ride down to the train on the mornings I worked to make my commute less hectic. My first day back in an office after working out of my home for 10 years was exciting. It felt great! I called him at lunch to tell him about my day. He had this cold, dead monotone voice and all he could say was you sound happy as if it were a bad thing. He made some excuse that he had to go but I could tell he wasn't happy for me. I tried to call him later that night but he never picked up, didn't answer the email I sent him and wasn't online for days after. When my next work day approached I didn't bother to call and ask for a ride. I'd had enough of him bringing me down every time I'd found happiness for myself.It was the beginning of the end for our relationship.

#3 Nov 20 - 12PM

GettingOut

Steal Your Joy

STBX was very good at this. Still is, actually. I would be happy about something, for example, getting a promotion at work. He pseudo congratulated me and then went into this long spiel about his education and how even though he got promoted last year he would probably get one again. He always took happy away from me. Another time, where it is mentioned how it appears they like to see their victims miserable....he had hit me and I looked up at him and he was smiling. As he walked down the hallway he was strutting. Another time he had insulted me and I told him so to which he replied "*chuckle* well, looks like I hit a nerve!!" and he actually did this little dance and walked away.

#4 Nov 20 - 12PM

itreallyisabouthim

I read something about how

I read something about how they are very angry with their mothers and are acting out at women in their lives because of this. This "fits" in my situation and does help me understand why he targets me, someone who had his children and whom you would think he would respect and try to build up, not break down. Does this sound right to people who know more about narcissism?

#5 Nov 20 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

it may be partly anger at their mother HOWEVER... new research has PROVED they are missing grey matter, parts of their brains are malformed and certain brain chemicals are missing or messed up.... so it goes a LOT deeper than Mommy-hate and you have to read what you see VERY CRITICALLY because many psychologist have their 'pet theories.' For me NOT HUMAN was RIGHT ON THE MONEY and TRUE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#6 Nov 20 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Ellen

itreallyisabouthim

Hi there, Funnily enough i was just saying this today..........now i've made the connection that he actually did want to cause destruction i said it's cos he hates his mother and we must all pay. It's a shame it's so difficult for people to admit they are angry with their parents. Some people spend all their lives angry with everyone else except the right one. My mum is an example of this, i believe she is angry with her dad so she married a man like him. She also takes it out on shopkeepers, colleagues,bystanders lol. It's one of the reasons she joined politics so she could vent her anger at society. I feel sorry for the people who are just doing their job and come across her. Anyway i'm bl**** angry with his mum too now!

#7 Nov 20 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

4joys4

Mother Hating

My first N hated his mom. My second N was angry at his mom for being an alcoholic, but at the same time, she overcompensated and spoiled him rotten. I don't like all this mother hating. Mothers are always to blame. But at the same time... I know one of my sons has a lot of anger at me because I divorced his dad. No matter how much time goes by, and how much I tried to open the lines of communication and heal us both, he stayed drug addicted and angry and manipulative and abusive. I can't take the hurt away that he felt back then. My other kids werent affected in this way. But my ex spoiled this one. Always called him his baby even as an adult. Helped him over and over when the rest of the family wanted to do tough love. So this one learned to manipulate. Weve done therapy and everything. I wish he werent angry at me. I wish there was something else I could do. But theres not. The ball is in his court. Whats my point? I dont know..lol Maybe theres a mother connection. Maybe its in the genes. We just dont know.

#8 Nov 20 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

NOT HUMAN

so it goes a LOT deeper than Mommy-hate it is in the genes and is cemented by nuture. There's also a HUGE biological component with BRAIN STRUCTURE, etc. NOT HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#9 Nov 18 - 8PM

tasha

yes Amazed

Seems that way doesn't it? My XNH reminds me of those things in Harry Potter Dementors that guard Azkaban Prison hehehe! They suck all the life out of you and all the energy out of the very air! The essence of Misery I call him hehe! I am a happy outgoing person by nature, he nearly destroyed me. With a calculated coldness that I cannot fathom. It made mine proud to have me barefoot and pregnant most of our marriage and systematically ruining my dreams and ambitions. But I don't hate him. My revenge is being me again and being the happy little ray of sunshine that I am hehehe!

#10 Nov 18 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

sarahb

thanks tasha

thanks, what an amazing analogy - Dementors! I struggle to understand and believe it but it is so true! And those of us like you that are full of life and have tons of friends and are happy seem to be most appealing as victims (and most likely to think our joy and love can help or "save" them.) intuitively i know its true but it is so hard to understand...b/c i guess they don't think like us! thx again for the awesome analogy!

#11 Nov 18 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Amazed

Tasha,,the floor is all yours,,and stay out of the abyss

They abyss that is their personality. One cannot understand it unless they have encountered it, like you and I have. They will obstruct, literally obstruct your life. They have a way, of covering all that you know, and making themselves the center of all consuming. They want you to be sumbissive. Under their thumb. Not you!! How can you function, on an alternate battery!! Your dreams, talents, ambitions, goals, aspirations, skills are yours. They try to obliterate these. Wow,,,incredible to realize they wanted to consume the very source of you. Get away from them at all costs!!!!

#12 Nov 18 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

tasha

Amazed

Yes I do keep my distance from my former husband. Yes all those things he did to me, it was like the light went out in my soul, my spirit and zest for life was dying a very slow painful death. And then we he discarded me. Took me ages to get over him, then only to come across a far more toxic,fast acting and leathal Narcissist. The one who brought me here. But I'm okay now as okay as I can be, I come here and I use the knowlege and insight that I learn here as a sheild to protect myself against being a targeted again. I've come accross other Narcissists-And it's like having X-ray vision you can see what's ticking in their heads, I'm a new woman, I've had an upgrade and I'm the 'new and improved version' of tasha. Woe to anyone who tries anything like that on me again-I'm armed to the teeth hehehe!

#13 Nov 18 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

quietude (not verified)

amazed

They just don't CARE about our feelings, especially because most of them are foreign to them! They do enough to keep us 'roped in', but it's an act for that purpose only. Shredding our self-esteem is all about control. It's easier to keep us under their spell that way. Their survival is key, so whatever they have to do to accomplish that is what matters to them. We eventually become miserable inside because we do realize it's all about them, and they really do not care about or love us. What keeps many of us around is their manipulation, brainwashing, and of course we are solidly bonded to them...they've made sure of that. I left my ex 'mentally' long before the actual break. It felt like a real love/hate thing. Funny how I'd cuss him out in my head all while being cooperative and loving.

#14 Nov 18 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

Amazed

What you said was key quietude, "they have made sure of that"

The N keeps you around, dependent on them, "hooked" because they have made it so. Through maniupulaiton, association, mind-control, and bonded to them through their choice of avenues. Yes, children you have with them, all about them (in their mind!!!) Your devotion to them (all about them!) when it is really love you profess for another human being, and humanity in a greater sense!! Through sexual predatory behavior and crossing boundaries to leave you stunned, paralyzed, and helpless. They get you to a point where you think you can't act for yourself. THIS is what is intimidating for them, and shows their weakness and insecurity. Underneath the venner,, the coating, is a very insecure, weak, and uncertain and unloyal demeaning enemy. They are foreign to your feelings, and will pin you as competition in a game they make up by themselves.

#15 Nov 18 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

NanC (not verified)

Barbara

You, like me, (I think) have been totally discarded. When these other ladies talk about how their Narcs still trying to contact them and "pretend" they still love them, do you ever wish your exNarc still thought about you in a loving way other than what he has convinced himself you have become? I have come along ways but I still think, from time to time, "too bad he wasn't who I thought he was". That was the whole reason I left my husband to begin with. To find someone that liked the country life that I like. I thought I had found him. I will never leave my husband again. I know people say women should not be some place for their kids sake, but I feel like this is the right thing for me to do. My little girl needs a "father figure" in her life and her needs will always come before mine. I, by no means,live a horrible life. He is a real knight and shining armor... (Just not that "fire" I felt with the N, that's all) I feel like I moved out, wasted 7 years of my life, and ended right back where I started. For that, I should have never left to begin with...I uprooted my children for what...the Narc?? OMG!...(Barf!)

#16 Nov 18 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

NanC

my exNH has not totally discarded me - I still have hints and requests to come back and "be a family again" - since we have kids together it's not going to happen and I am razor sharp with my boundaries. Psycho-Boy on the other hand, has totally discarded me. But he once said that if [I] "had left it alone, [he] would have been cool" meaning he would have spoken to me covertly after some time had passed. But considering what he did to me and my family and the death threats, predatory behavior - there was no way I didn't think exposing him wasn't the best thing for all involved. Including him. He's also said he "didn't hate [me] 7 years ago." Which is a slick way of saying he loathes & hates me now because I blew his little f**k-fest up and now people know he's a predator. So he's discarded me saying it would 'hurt his wife' if he spoke to me and he has 'no intention of listening to anything' I 'have to say.' (The latter being a typically pathological reaction) Do I miss the friend I thought I'd had for 27 years with Psycho-Boy? Sure. Sometimes very much. We had history. But he never had any intention of introducing me to his wife & family which is what I wanted! One of the last things he ever said to me was "I don't want to lose you out of my life. You're too important to me" (btw he said the same exact thing to his Calif. girlfriend; a 'canned' comment) Truth is, as much as I tried I was never IN his life. He never gave me a chance to be his real friend... he just used me for emotional support and free cyber/ phone sex. Other than that I could be clicked off or hung up on. I never had ANY intention of starting a sexual/emotional affair with him. Despite what he tries to tell people (I was stalking him for years... LOL) my attorney, the law and I all have verified proof that HE looked me up and HE coaxed and brainwashed me into this sick relationship. I didn't see him as a 'sex object' - but that was all I basically was to him. And that is HIS SICKNESS not my stupidity! There was no 'two to tango' baloney here - just my vulnerability being used against me so someone could use & abuse me and toss me away. He tends to pack up and leave when things aren't going his way. He does it online too... if someone doesn't agree with him there's no discussion - he just blocks or deletes and leaves. There's no courage there and I don't need someone like that in my life. I miss the Pretend-Friend-Guy I thought I'd had for more than 1/2 my life deeply. But the real guy? Makes me sick to think about him getting within 100 feet of me. And I must stay HONEST - I have had far too much trauma with pathologicals in my life, and it has scarred me mentally & physically to play denial or magical thinking games with myself ever again. It simply isn't worth it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#17 Nov 18 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

quietude (not verified)

amazed

Right! It is all a game to them. One of the last things my N said to me in an e-mail is "you win". Sure...because that's exactly what I'm thinking! (not) It's hard to think about how dependent I became, but it's par for the course with an N. It's funny to think of when I started ignoring my ex, if he was thrown for loop at all?? I'm sure the king of the universe couldn't figure out why in the world I would deny him anything! heh But no matter, he probably had another supply lined up elsewhere to make him feel are all nice and special again.

#18 Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

4joys4

I see it this way. The N

I see it this way. The N feeds off of your admiring attention at first while giving his best performance. It's not at the forefront of a plan. He just does it because it works and makes him feel so good. He wants more of this. So much more that you just cant fill up the tank. So he gets let down. Now angry, he is deeply hurt that he is not getting that same high. He felt so good and now you are incapable of giving that to him. (no one is capable). So the punishment begins. How can he hurt you? Where are your weak spots? It's really a set up for you, but to him, it is a very real and deep affront. He cant bear it. I dont think the onset is a plan of sorts. It's just his natural way of dealing with his world.

#19 Nov 20 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

itreallyisabouthim

So true about them wanting

So true about them wanting to eliminate our ability to support ourselves, to be independent. My STBX did a tap dance all over my career. He obstructed my ability to earn a living over and over and over. And laughed at me when I protested.

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