Staystrong.10.10's Story

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#1 Oct 1 - 1PM
staystrong.10.10's picture

Staystrong.10.10's Story

Hi All,

Today is my day 1 with the forum... I don't even know where to begin to tell my story... it's going to be a long one. Sorry...

I had an almost 3 year relationship with an N and left him about 2 and a half months ago. He and I worked together, I finally left the company, moved back to NYC from NJ, left him and moving on.

I remember day 1 when I started working at this company, my boss introduced him to me because he's the design director and I was the fashion trend analyst for the company. I remember as soon as he walked out of his office, his eyes lit up when he saw me. From that point, he would walk by me everyday with an intense stare. Then, he started to engage conversations with me, drop cute and flirty emails. I knew he had a girlfriend at the time plus he's from the office, I made sure I had my space. Finally, one day he came over said to me he broke up with her and he's been thinking of me every day. So I went for my first date with him, after that I just fell for him so deeply, so strongly. Because I found him understood me so well, my interests, my values... little that I know, he did his studies just like any other Ns.

At the very beginning, he would write me beautiful poems, send me flowers, telling me I was the best thing ever happened to him and he promised me the world. But there's one thing he made very clear:” our relationship needs to be underground, no one can know. Because it is not professional to date someone in the office". I agreed.

8 months into our relationship, the hot and heavy love from him became cold and nasty. He would blame me for every little thing: i.e. I didn't iron his shirt sleeves well enough; I didn't make a sandwich for him quick enough... I was so confused: how can I be from a perfect girlfriend to the worst??

Finally I received a phone call from the police dept at 4am asking me to go in to pick up his car and all his personal belongs, because he was arrested for DWI. I don't drive (grew up in NYC), I had 2 cab drivers drove 1 car went to the station and picked up his car... my suspicion made me go through his blackberry when I got his belongs from the police. He was cheating on me with 2 girls from our office. He was with 1 of them the night he was caught for DWI. I cried, but I waited for he to get back. He called and cried on the phone to me that he can't be in jail, help him! 2 days later he was released, I made him dinner and told him I know about the other 2 girls. He looked at me with no emotions, said to me, "I know". Then, he said, "did the cab drivers come in the house??" I said no, that's when he slapped me across my face, then said, "you slept with the cab driver!" I was in shock, didn't know how to respond... I cried and this was the 1st time I broke up with him.

Within 2 weeks he begged me to go back that he made a mistake - beautiful words again... I went back. About another 8 months later, caught him cheating again (with someone diff in the office), it lead to another break up. With extreme confusions, I took him back again. 9 months later, again (someone in the office), this is when (2 1/2 months ago) I finally left him.

I made it out! I actually started seeing a psychiatrist since this Jan. She pointed out that he had NPD. I can never forget the last conversation that I had with him, my break up conversation. One thing I said to him, "you said you want to have a baby with me, do you still think that way" he's response was, "if you had a baby, who's going to take care of me?" He added, "do you really want to throw everything that we had away?" my answer was, "I had nothing with or from you, it's empty" then I calmly picked up my stuff and left...

This is my story in brief... sorry for the long essay. Thank you for reading it...

ox everyone, please stay strong... we will get through this!

Oct 22 - 10AM
chickon2's picture

Dear staystrong

I had no idea he hit you.. I am so so sorry for that... That made my heart hurt... I am so happy that you left him for good.. How they have a way of getting us addicted to them is unreal. Gentle Hugs to you...
Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
staystrong.10.10's picture

Thank you chickon2!

thank you chickon2 for your loving hugs!!! xoxox i'm really confused too how we are so addicted to them. my friends were all shocked when i told them that i will be staying with him after he hit me. then, there's another incident, he hit me again, then chocked me... I am feeling so much better now, for me being upset with/over him does not happen that often any more. especially, after I joined this forum, people like you make my life much more easier. because of the encouragement like what you had. also again, NC is def the way to go!!!! love, xo
Oct 2 - 6AM
Alive's picture


You are strong aren't you!!:) I hope that you will still keep posting and i really have to say, thankyou for posting it. The baby comment he made was truly shocking. Take care x
Oct 3 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
staystrong.10.10's picture

thank you Happynow! i'm working on it

Thank you Happynow! I am working on it being a stronger person! :) Thank you for your encouragement. I was a very strong and independent person. But b/c of him, I started to doubt myself on every single thing that I do, every single decision that I make. My friends kept on telling me, "open your eyes! you need to leave him, you are not yourself anymore, he brought out the worst of you." but I didn't listen. I guess I wasn't strong enough to face it... it scared me to leave him. But, finally, because of my therapist pointed out his problem, really helped me to move on!! --- he is not going to change. And now, I started to go to concerts again, enjoying gallery shows, hanging out with my friends. I realized, how much my OWN LIFE was missing from the last 3 years!! I'm now starting to tell people, "I'm HAPPY now!!" (Just like your nickname :)) I am! I finally found myself again! xoxoxo
Oct 2 - 1AM
girlfriday's picture


Welcome, staystrong.10.10 Your story really wasn't very long. But you did a good job at getting across how sick and twisted and deeply narcissistic your ex is. I'm so sorry for what you went through. All that betrayal and extreme confusion. He's an evil snake who likes to see how much he can get away with. His tactic of taking the focus off of his cheating, and then twisting it around on you and slapping you is just astonishing. Congratulations for making it out. I know that the hell I went through in my situation ended up making me a much stronger person. So I hope that something "good" comes out of that situation for you and that it wasn't in vain. Take care.
Oct 1 - 10PM
moonshine's picture

staystrong 10.10

I understand how you feel. I also felt very connected and intimate with him in my feelings. After being feeling that way it comes as a shock when they do nasty stuff to us. Mine didnt cheat but said that he was always looking at OW when he was with was a very loosely defined relationship from his side....but we did all we did as a couple and that hurts. I had very similar conversations like you when i left his place. I asked him "did you ever love me?"...he said..."i love you in a different way".....i again asked him "did you ever love me"....he said"no". I was heart broken.....grabbed my stuff and felt awful...the silence was awful....the house that i laughed, played and was happy with is a place I cant even go to. I walked out of the house and didnt go back until now. i trusted that he will only do the best for me....and thats why it hurts much. I wish you well..
Oct 1 - 2PM
itreallyisabouthim's picture

You have been through the

You have been through the wringer. Congratulations on getting out - and count your lucky stars that you are not stuck figuring out how to co "parent" with this demon. I think it's fantastic that your psych detected the NPD. I have one who is hip to this as well and I find it (along with this board) very validating. I remember the first day I told her I now understand that not everyone is on the continuum of degrees of self-awareness; some people are not capable of this at ALL and we need to detect these people asap and leave them completely alone. She nearly gave me a standing ovation! I have not been on here much in the last several months but I wanted to say this board helped me tremendously even though I found it after I'd already parted with my N. It helped me understand what I was up against and how to navigate the sad path of co "parenting" that I am on with mine. Strength to you!
Oct 2 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
staystrong.10.10's picture


itreallyisabouthim, i'm sorry that you have to Co-parenting with your N. I can't even imagine! how hard that is going to be if I had a child with him. I've never mentioned in my initial essay that he has a son with one of his ex girlfriends - who I've never met. I knew he had a son when we just met and I knew there were some difficulties with him to visit the kid. He claims that she was "crazy" that she didn't want him to see his son. But then later on, I learned from his friends that he didn't want her to have the baby when she told him that she's having his child. Then, he didn't recognize the kid until he was 1 year old after a fraternity test. She restricted all visitations from him. At the very beginning of our relationship, he wasn't really eager to seek for opportunities to communicate with the child's mother, so he didn't really visit that much. But then, later on, I was the one who kept on reminding him that he needs to step up and go visit the baby every weekend (b/c he kept on complaining he didn't have chances to see him - well, he never tried). He’s always very busy with his own activities, his motorcycles, his cars, his houses... till today, I believe he only sees his son twice a month. Although, he acts that he's REALLY REALLY WANTING to see him... I was the one who prepped for his son’s b-days 2 years in a row. I remember the 1st time, I made cupcakes for the party, got balloons, toy cars... but at the end, both him and his mother told me that I can't be part of the party - because again, she's "Crazy"... Stupid me, agreed, went to my parents for the weekend. By the time I got back, all my stuff was hidden in the closet. The 2nd year again, after all the prep work, (he was in the garage working on his bikes) I was told not to stay again... which I never understood why... so tough! so strange!! I really hope everything is going well with you!!! Best wishes on that. xoxox
Oct 2 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Alive's picture


Please, if you have any great advice on co-parenting it would be greatly appreciated:)
Oct 1 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
staystrong.10.10's picture

So true!

Thank you for your response! What you said about "leave them completely alone" is so true, so right! I haven't contact him at all, no emails, no phone calls. Even when he was trying to contact me, I did not respond. It finally gives my own self back! I feel independent again! I hope you have been doing well!! and thanks again!
Oct 12 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
blueeyes's picture


I read it :(
Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
staystrong.10.10's picture

are you ok blueeyes?

are you ok blueeyes?