StartingaNew's Story

Here goes!...My story...

I have mixed feelings about actually sharing something so intimate, but I'm hopeful that this will begin a very important stage in my life: Starting a new chapter in my life...one that's all better than the rest...

As far as I can think back I've had a rough upbringing. Oddly enough I barely remember my childhood. I sometimes wonder if it's a defense mechanism of mine to block out the bad memories. Both of my parents separated when we were young, but I lived with my mom and my sister. She's was extremely verbally abusive..so much so that some of those words are still very vivid in my memory. My dad always struggled with being an alcoholic so he was barely around even though we loved being with him because it was a break from being with our mom.

By my early teen years I had it. I couldn't take living with her anymore and ran away to live with my dad. This forever changed my relationship with my mom and in a way she's never forgiven me. My dad though had a big responsibility of dealing with a teenage daughter while battling his own demons. Needless to say it didn't work out well and while in high school I met my son's father...my very first NC.

It was a bad relationship from the start. It involved drugs,physical abuse...you name it. Within a few years I had a son. I have to say it did help me slowly but surely open my eyes to him and finally after one fight that left my physically scared for months I was done.

Fast forward a few years I was better and in college. Here is where I encountered my second NC...or as I like to call him VP I was in denial at first not wanting to admit he wasn't the man for me because of the way we meet (in college) and he wasn't as bad as my son's father...but 11 years after we met I was miserable, broken and looking for a way out.

Now to jump back a bit I happened to meet another NC while being with the VP (and this was a scape goat since I was so unhappy with VP. We will name him the Devil or D for short..because as the saying goes the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he did not exist. I realize D has always hoovered...even though I kept my distance and it had been about 8 years since I last saw him because I knew what D was about...and it wasn't about being in a relationship with me...it was to keep me right there when he needed me.

Fast forward to a lil over 2 years ago...VP broke up with me while I find out he's trying to date a younger woman at his office. I can honestly that first month was like pure torture. I never thought he would do that to me...no matter how bad it got that he would leave after 11 years. But, he didnt...he did something worse. Since we shared our apartment he left and went to stay with his mom and left me in the apartment that was in his name because he knew I didn't have anywhere else to go. This allowed him to exert control over me while allowing him to go out and have his fun.

Finally, I got to the point where enough is enough. I slowly but surely started to grasp the notion of moving on. In the meantime I decided to join a dating site. I was lonely and meeting anyone in a club was just out of the question. After a month I actually meet someone who sparked my interest...and it took off.

I can honestly say that relationship was my first normal healthy relationship with a man. I can not classify him as NC nor will I ever. He offered me a romance that I had only seen in the movies. But, I didn't realize a very important lesson: The importance of giving myself time in between break ups. While this man was the best I encountered this far...didn't mean he was the best man for me. And I had to learn it the hard way. I didn't see the warning signs. There were signs that me and him were not right for one another, but I didn't want to face that facts.

In June we got into an argument through text but we had agreed to go my family party regardless...since I was so upset I ignored him the entire time and he left the family party early and I stayed...without realizing this was the last time I was going to see him. 6 days later after him not taking any of my phone calls or text messages I sent him a very long emailing letting him know I'm sorry for the way things ended but I really wanted to make it work. I pleaded with him to just talk to me but if I got no answer then that would be an answer and I'd have no choice but to move on. I prayed that he would see the woman he feel in love with and see that I was worth making it work. 6 hours later in what seemed like an angry and disorganized e-mail he choose to end our 2 year relationship through e-mail.

I was not prepared for what was to come. The pain, overwhelming feeling of rejection,shame, fear...you name it I felt it. Which now I realize made me extra vulnerable to the NC coming right around the corner...

Here I am devastated and heart broken about my breakup and at this point I know I can not date anyone for a long period of time. Out of the blue "D" texted me asking me to meet up for a drink...I should have known better but I just couldn't help it. I was lonely and I thought he was "safe" since I knew a relationship with him was out of the question...I could just enjoy his company. Well...4 months later and I'm worse off than I started after the break up. This has progressed to a booty call status and I feel used but for some odd reason I'm struggling to break free from "D". I can not...at times will not let him go. Even though I know it's necessary in order to return to my path of healing and recovering.

This has bought out horrible tendencies: Cyber stalking, obsessing over him, allowing him to come and go as he pleases. As bad as these relationships have been...I've always been in a relationship. I feel I've completely down graded myself to a level I know is not becoming of the woman that I am. So...here I am. Trying my best to start a new. Wish me luck!