Soul Mates

Except for producing children and dragging them thru the mire......I wouldn't change the last 10 yrs. I don't mean I regret my children......that's not what I mean.....I just wouldn't have chosen this idiot to be any child's father.... Maybe he could not have hit so hard, or twisted my finger to where there is a knot on it forever that is ugly.....BUT BUT BUT.......I would go thru it all again to be where I am today. Life has a funny way of turning out. I am different. I am SOOOOO much smarter, I am a better mother and can educate and warn my children. I can feel people's energy now. My intuition is so strong and usually ALWAYS right. Being with a narc for so long, you got very good at reading and anticipating and gauging.......I like the new me very much. I am an authentic being, I was pretending before, and he grew to hate everything about me. Every little endearing thing he 'fell in love with me over', in the end, he hated. A true hate. He helped me find my soul. In the depths of despair, in the late hours of the night after a horrible fight, every holiday that ended in narc rages...... I have none of that. I like this quote......."Of all the happiness that man can gain, it's not from pleasure but rest from pain". Narcs live off of pleasure.....seeking pleasure. I'll take my rest from pain any day. Love to you all.

Like I loved him more than anything or anyone. Yet, I can't tell you why and I know it comes from the "young" place in me.

Absolute wow. Brings new meaning to the term "soul mate". Blessing in disguise? Sheep in wolf's clothing? The silver lining? Better be careful what you ask for lol. Who ever said a soul mate was an all positive happily ever after thing anyway? When I was much younger, I expected that if I did all the "right" things, my life would be good and easy and I'd have that perfect love that seemed so obvious on TV and the commercials. What a shock, that live is actually so much less boring than all that. So in my thirties I buried my head in the sand and just pretended if I pretended hard enough, I could MAKE reality into what I wanted it to be. Burying your head in the sand exposes your ass, and mine took a serious whacking. My suffering in the Narc relationship was 99.9% about me wanting him to be different than he was. I made my last (thank GOD) best effort to force reality into what I wanted it to be. I was utterly defeated, and for the first time in my life . . . I knew it. I gave up. It was like surrendering to God, or like the AA 12 Step folks who surrender to their Higher Power. Reality was my Higher Power. I could not wish it or force it to accomodate my little needs and desires. That left me having the choice to proceed forward as I was, and continuing to experience that old familiar misery, or, proceed forward into a scary unknown where I was not the center of the Universe, but just a bit player. I was more tired of the misery than I was scared, I guess. Reality DOES bite (y'all are probably too young to remember that movie). It is harsh as long as you forget your place. We have lessons to learn as souls or beings or Whatever that involve pain and loss and surrender. There's no other way to learn the most important lessons of life but through trial and pain. You can go one of two ways, at this point: Decide that Life sucks because you can't just have what you want when you want it, or try and figure out what Life wants out of YOU. It wants something. Discovering that is . . . very surprising LOL! And worth every minute :)

My experience with the Narc has definitely brought out the worst to question the direction and other issues of my life. He most definitely felt like a soul mate. He was what all I wanted. He did everything with me. We talked countless number of hours. Sure it felt very good. I thought those were the best times in my life. It was dream come true..but know what... deep down i know it was LIE. My theory is that it felt good because of his mirroring of me...my mind. Added to that i am a very imaginative person...very visual..i know i like to live in fantasy to keep myself entertained ..my line of work deals more with fantasy. I am hopeless romantic too. This added to the combination..it was like heaven. it felt like what i was dreaming for all my life has finally come along. But it was my OWN MIND that i was in love with. He was an image. ...just an image. the combination just worked..but its only AN IMAGE that i was in love with. It felt good because it was my own mind that i was feeling close to while he acted it out perfect to keep me in. I dont know if there are soulmates....but i know there are good people around....i would always remember anyone who would help me....in that case they all are my soulmates..who are helping me in my inner journey. As you have written...everything we need is already there...and what needs to come to us will come to us too when the time comes. I would like to leave you with a quote Carl jung wrote- "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes". I have been dreaming all the while... Thanks for sharing your introspection.

I love eat pray and love. Funny i wrote that passage to my Narc...and asked him what he thought. But back then i still believed in my definition of soulmate (hopeless romantic what can i say) But i too agree with you Nancy, this experience has really taught me that I have only myself to count on, other than that i have my spirituality (praying for hope and guidance and strength). Whats that saying...you come into this world alone and you leave alone... I know I have learned a lot about myself though him, what i want, what i dont want, who i am, whats important to me. So that is great. I am a lot wiser. But I am saddened that he broke that innocent girl inside me that believed in all that soulmate and fairytale ending. What a nightmare. A regular wake up call/break up would have been just fine.

There is a great section in Eat, Pray, Love when she describes soul mates as meeting your mirror - correct me if I mess this up because it's been a while since I have read it, but here goes . . Basically, the soul mate is the one who instigates your life change - once he or she has served his purpose, he is meant to leave your life. If he remains, he will only make you miserable and stop your progress. You see through him yourself - the way the narcissist mirrors you in a way during the seduction - and you "mirror him" he love the admiration and attention he gets back - you are his ideal mate. I know that after my last narc left, and I began the healing, I learned all about myself - what he was mirroring what he was showing me. He saw my needs and my dreams - all of my weakness - and he used them to hook me. Now I know more about myself then I have ever been able to recognize and I know I have emotionally matured. I'm moving on to the next phase of my life! Career wise I'm taking charge and becoming more aggressive, I'm more empathic and understanding, more patient, more calm . . . I need to learn how to trust men again, but at the very least, I know what to look out for and how to stand up for myself. I believe my last ex N was my "soul mate"in Elizabeth's definition . . . I don't believe that anyone else can complete you. Only compliment you - as often as possible ;)

So funny... I was just thinking of this today. Here's a quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" and I think Elizabeth Gilbert nails it: "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." So, yes... in this respect my ExN was definitely my soul mate.