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Something big just clicked - Christmas violence

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#1 Aug 4 - 3PM
peacelily76
peacelily76's picture

Something big just clicked - Christmas violence

I just figured something out.

Christmas 2009 - I was on the path of growing awareness that I was being abused and manipulated.

On Christmas Eve, my ex had cried because he didn't have his daughter or mum with him. I was a complete mug and lit a fire, made mince pies, poured him a sherry, made a big fuss of him, listened to him wailing on about his loss.

Christmas Day. My dad had died the previous year. This was the first Christmas where I could think about my Dad without all the numb shock. My ex had put music on really loudly and I was preparing the veg for our Christmas roast. I asked him to turn the music down as it was so loud it would have disturbed the neighbours plus I said I was suddenly having thoughts about my Dad and would he mind just turning it down a touch so I could be mindful of the thoughts.

He suddenly said, "Oh so that's what you're playing at! All the things you did yesterday was so you could score points for today."

He stormed out. Tried to storm back in again. I had bolted the door. He was yelling and roaring in the street to be let in. I grabbed my "running away" bag, phone, bank cards, laptop. Went to open the door. He slammed me against a wall by my neck and said, "You're not leaving, not today." His eyes were wild with weirdness.

I left with a struggle.

I now realise the temper tantrum and violence was because another man had taken over my thoughts for a few minutes and he was jealous.

That literally just clicked for me.

Wow!

Aug 5 - 11AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

peacelily76

just so awful what they do, such a waste of time and space. send me a direct message so we can chat sometime.
Aug 5 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

It's something, isn't it, peace?

Mine gave me a two week silent treatment because I 'paid it forward' to a dying WWII veteran by bringing him a balloon boquet I had gotten from a person who was happy about a story I'd written and I wanted to give it to this gentleman. I visited him on his deathbed and gave it. He remembered me for a few moments and it felt good. For that I was silent treatmented and ignored for two weeks. For being kind to an 84-year-old dying man. Why I ever spoke to him again I'll never know. Mine also began laying his hands on me as a form of control. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. After the first time I went NC immediately and made it 20 days. Unfortunately when he hoovered, I let him back in. Of course the violence escalated. Toward himself first, then toward me... The final D & D came because I was spending most of my time with my family helping care for my dying father. It was no longer "all about him." They are so sick, so twisted, so fragile it's scary. I'm so so so so so glad we're out. thanks for sharing peacelily. It reminds me of the REALITY I somehow failed to understand at the time. Never, ever again. Peace and strength and good vibes to you and all who stop here from, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION IN MY LIFE.

spinning

Aug 4 - 6PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

scary, thank God you

scary, thank God you escaped.! mine said I was never really there for him at his father's funeral. I dropped everything cancelled work and took a train for 6 hours, to rush to his side. I looked after his mother stood with her in the church etc etc. afterwards he said I was never there for him at all. shocking arseholes they are all so similar!
Aug 4 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

fooled no longer...

I think it's so weird about how no matter what we do they never felt like they were appreciated or loved or that we were there for them. That is all I did was 'be there for him', so much so that I was driving myself crazy! And still he says he never really felt loved. Well, that's his issue. I was there, I was loving, and I was an amazing person, lover, friend to this man. They suck!
Aug 4 - 5PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

what a creep

If the spotlight is not on him and his needs forget it, they are all little 2 year old toddlers and you always have to cater to them, glad you had your lightbulb moment!
Aug 4 - 3PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Isn't it amazing how looking

Isn't it amazing how looking back with "fresh eyes" affords such clarity. I am sorry you had to experience the emotional and physical abuse at all & especially at such an emotionally distressing time. Narcs suck. Nan

Nan

Aug 4 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You asked him to turn the

You asked him to turn the music down! You disturbed him , you were trying to take control, also why he wouldn't let you leave, He didn't give you permission! Also, you must ask if you are allowed to think of your dad! Idiot! I bet his daughter and mum had a nice peaceful christmas that year, while your was Hell Hunter
Aug 5 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
peacelily76
peacelily76's picture

His mum and daughter...

His mum died a few years ago and his daughter was with his ex wife all Christmas. He deserted his arthritic mum in a squalid flat. She was in so much pain and couldn't even cut her own toenails. He left her like that. He never helped to clean her flat. Apparently it was filthy. She was in too much pain to clean it herself. Then she had a stroke, and another and then died. Apparently he had a very dysfunctional relationship with his mother, as if the umbilical cord had never really been cut. I don't know because she died before I met him. His daughter was 6 months old when his ex wife left. She left because he had an internet porn addiction and refused to seek help for it. He was also lost in a fantasy world of being a DJ. Apparently, whilst his ex wife was still in their house but looking for somewhere to live, he went and slept with another woman in the bedroom next to his ex wifes. What evil person does that????? So, now I know all this, I have no sympathy for this person and kick myself for ever bothering with him. Evil and sick. It could have been me he did that to.