Some new found clarity

I have been given another gift courtesy of my experience dealing with an NPD.

I have been living under a separate roof from the exwn since July, 2010. The final divorce decree came 3 months later. We have shared joint custody, and 50/50 physical custody of our daughter. That, of course, keeps some limited contact necessary, and with that challenge comes many opportunities to engage, stay detached, argue, ignore, ignite, and extinguish our personal issues.

Also in this experience, I have had to watch as our child suffers the abuse that the exwn inflicts on her, sometimes with willful abandon. In watching this abuse, I found myself so angry at the Narc, that I sometimes feel as powerless and lost as I ever felt, even during the worst of the d and d.

The abuse continues, and with it so does the traumatic stress over it that I keep re-experiencing. I called a good friend last week, to discuss this very subject. I explained to the friend that I was calling to complain, not about the Narc, but about the fact that I kept getting triggered, and that feelings of hate and powerlessness kept cropping up each time I learned of my daughter getting the Narc treatment. I explained to my friend that it seemed that I had gone through this experience so many times that I had expected that at this late date I would be "over it", and that I should be able to just not emotionally get sparked by what had happened so many many times already. I complained to my friend that what I wanted was freedom, and that I wanted to not get triggered with that awful feeling, that I couldn't even determine the root of. This feeling that comes over me is not about my poor daughter, and her being abused. Of course that is a big issue, but my daughter and I talk about that, and we work through it, and we have open communication about her mother now, and my daughter even knows that mom is a sick (she calls her crazy) person. We do the best we can with that, and I make sure my daughter gets her feelings validated, and acknowledged.

What I am talking about is the feeling inside of me, which I realized is all about me and my reactions. I just didn't know where it was coming from, and why it hadn't subsided in such a long amount of time. My friend reminded me of what I experienced as a child of an emotionally and abusive mother, and it was like a huge beacon of light was turned on. I saw, immediately, that I was remembering what it felt like to be abused, and that my inner child was re-feeling the abuse (and the inability to change it)as it came to my daughter. I remember, as a child, feeling so powerless to change my situation, and feeling so isolated, and so powerless, and so screwed over, and so abandoned and removed from anything even close to fairness and kindness. And in that moment last week, I knew that in many ways, in many forms, I was still that little boy, lost and afraid, with no where to turn. He and I have made contact before, in therapy. But last week I discovered that he and I have more work to do...more layers to undo, as the veils become more and more apparent...and my goal is to make them more transparent, so that I can gain even more freedom, more clarity, more growth....and in that process learn more and more how to trust, and how to love deeply.

God bless you all,

ds