So TRIGGERED, HURT & ANGRY!! ( in need of support )

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#1 Jun 28 - 4AM

jagged

So TRIGGERED, HURT & ANGRY!! ( in need of support )

I woke up this morning with the usual obsessive thoughts in my mind and feelings of been rejected they are not as bad any more, but my days still pretty much in limbo. One day at the time I know.

I went on FB and I found this quote that reassured me as I struggled all my life with intelectualising somebodies bad deeds on me:

‎"They did the best they could" — believing this about all those who have hurt us (or anyone else) not only makes a mockery out of accountability, but lowers the odds that we'll actually confront them about what they did (either literally or in therapeutic contexts), leaving us adrift in a no-one's-land of exaggerated tolerance, eviscerated anger, spiritualized avoidance, and other souvenirs of blind compassion... Robert Augustus Masters

I felt grateful for this and posted as my status.

further down I saw a comment of the N's BF in which he links the new web of the boat they both have been building for the last year and a half. It looks amazing but it has been the source of my heart/life project been jeopardise/sacrifice.

when this boat rebuilding project came along Jan 2010 (it was only going to take 3 months) He had already commmited to be the bass player and to help with the networking, web building, management of my band this was something he had asked for and pushed me to give him that place for over a year then.(He used to be the driver /tour manager)
He promised that his priority was going to be the band but far from reality the boat took all the attention. His parents gave him the money £50000, He sold out him self for something he didn't even wanted to do, just to prove to his parents that he wasn't a looser. So most of the time I was suporting him emotionally to carry on with the job dealing with the moods and reassuring him of the benefits of him finishing what he started. Even though my project was neglected, I understood that putting more preassure on him was going to make him more stress and it was already too much for him. So I litterally sacrifice my needs hoping that when the boat will be finished then he would focuss on what he said was his priority, The band.

but the time went on and we missed the first summer which meant no gigs and no money coming in for me.His mummy was providing for him so he didn't had and preassure in that respect.

Last summer we visit a house in Brighton and planned to move there from London to record the second album and start a new life together, the boat wasn't finished yet but the plan was for him to visit on the weekends till the boat was finish.
As soon I moved here where I didn't know anybody I couldn't deal with the hot and colds, I needed some reassurance or even support and warmth but he was too stress so he couldn't give it.

One day after an argument he said that he wasn't moving to Brighton and that I was the cause of all his moods and problems, he didn't wanted to talk with me for a long time.

I've x-plain this in another post it was just before Christmas (november)on the weekend that he was moving all his things to B, he gave me the silent treatment the cold shoulder etc and I felt so hurt and humiliated that didn't called him either.

He was holding to his new life on the cannal, cool life full of female attention.

All this months have been a real death from me a horrible painful isolated death. Struggling with so much Hurt, anger, CD, PTSD, feeling used and discarded when no longer needed.

Now to see that the boat is finished and he's got a new supply it feels like I have been sacrificed, crucified.

And I cannot be silent about it cause kills me but I have to keep NC.

I want to shout it out, I want revenge!!! I cannot wait for karma to do it for me, cause I don't believe in it anymore. I only have a perception that life it's not good to people that do good only to selfish N's. But I cannot afford to react. I lost so much of my integrity and he would always perceive me as a mad woman, witch, all the male projected negatives that men with controlling mums have. So to prove I wasn't like that I was not his projection I turned my self in to a silent suffering victim. I was a warrior once.

I know that you will understand. I whish I would have find you before...

Blesstest be

Monte

#2 Jun 28 - 1PM

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

Jagged

They did the best they could!!! Yeah right. I hear you. Actually doing the best he could would have been to take a flying leap off the white cliffs of Dover! Don't for God's sakes try to get revenge now, because that's exactly what it would be...revenge. And that backfires when you're mad. When you are near indifference is the best time to plan justice. But you have to be careful with that too, because it can drag you back into the drama. Once you reach indifference, it's probably best to cherish it and to bear in mind that truly...time wounds all heels! Your narc is a complete shitheel, waste of time and human skin. Be happy overjoyed, do cartwheels and hand springs that your association with him was somewhat limited in time. Though, of course, any more than 5 minutes spent with a narc is too much and requires decontamination for the spirit. Narcs are radioactive, soul wise. Even the basic fundamentals of trying to establish proper closure, threatens us with further exposure and another round of decontamination is required. There is just no dealing with them. None. I'm working out a kind of justice for myself, but it's post indifference, so it's not having the same soul effects. It does come at a cost though. I have to think about him. I will be so glad when my efforts reach fruition in a couple of months. It's true that the best revenge is living well. If you are still in Brighton try to connect with newcomers in your area. If you learned about boats from being with your narc and enjoy that experience, get involved with the boating community. Anywhere there are live-aboards would be a great place to socialize. From my experience a lot of those types seem to be friendly by nature. Good luck, My Dear. Everyone is pulling for you, wishing you well!--ER

#3 Jun 28 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

jagged

revenge

ER, You've made me laugh... I have never experience these intense urges for revenge before in my life. I was always of the believe that life will bring justice at some point. I trusted life and it's magical marry go rounds.. I wasn't a resentful type either. I always forgived and forget. Once I reached the indiference stage I would't be bother even to remember what went wrong. Maybe that was wrong, or naif. But this last 4 years of just mainly shit has been the last drop for me.. I have been fantasizing about burning his boat, slashing his tyres, Exposing him on FB exposing him with his parents for which I also feel plenty of resentmen. today I was fantasizing on spray paint on the black slick sufice of the fucking boat "BAD KARMA DON"T BUY IT"! In massive big Red letters. But probably when I reach the indiference stage I will not give a shit... If I ever get there... Now with your support it feels much more likely than two weeks ago... Thanks so much x

#4 Jun 28 - 12PM

fooled no longer

I honestly understand and

I honestly understand and your righteous anger is justified you were the scapegoat, and he went sailing on. My story is different in the details but exactly the same in the hurt loss, sacrifice and outcome. Here how I rationalise it. Go for a walk, a long one, along the river at the beach whatever and start to talk to your self like a small hurt child, cos thats what you are. Breathe in love, breathe out anger with every breath. Sure come on here and fantasise on how youd like to set the boat alight with them both on it. Do that on here, we wont judge you. But let your anger out. or you will turn it against yourself. Also look around you, you sound like youre more grown up and talented than he is. It will get better just come on here and vent. Imagine hes a cockroach that you finally managed to get out of your house and life. Because thats what Narcs are, cockroaches with about the same depth of feeling as a cockroach. I know how you feel, love yourself, go now and do something nice for yourself. write to yourself what you are and how proud you are of your achievements. xx

#5 Jun 28 - 10AM

michele115 (not verified)

Jagged

All that you have expressed is a feeling we all have had at some point in our recovery. I empathize, relate and connect with all you have said. This is the reality. We gave them power temporarily but the fact is, we are in control of our destiny. Take time to heal, but rebuild. You did not need him to complete your dreams. He built a boat, then you my dear will build a yacht... AND you will do it feeling good and passionate about it because it is your dream and YOU own it. Do not let this individual scar you for life. This process is about our perspective. I realize you are still dealing with all the emotions that come with this so I am not telling you to throw your hands up and go out there tomorrow, but start getting your mind back in warrior mode...you will find his departure to be the best disposal of dead weight. Hugs!

#6 Jun 28 - 6PM (Reply to #17)

jagged

yes I did not needed him

to commplit my dreams. I had a colorful, creative and interesting life that he was so desperated to hack. literally jump in my boat. So he played mind games... but I did not know, I believed him and in him. He wanted to be part of my life, marry me, have children, play in my band build a community in my land in Spain. one day he would say how less than me he was because he didn't had anything to add to my life. I would reassure him. And open the doors for him to be part of my life. Other day he would acuse me of wanting to control him and turning him in to what I wanted him to be, I would see his mum in it and tried to show him I wasn't like that. them he would dump me and come back next day (This happened many times). he did not have room to dream in my life. another day he would say that maybe with a younger woman he would be alright. So I would ask him go. But he would not go. two days later he would say that he really loved me but he was so scared of the control I had over him. next the problem was the fact I had children. then sleeping with me gave him headaches. then he didn't love me enough to deal with his issues. at the end I was evil and his problems etc etc etc etc all this intermingle with a lot of back and forward, hot& cold for 4 years turned me in to a nervous wreck. To the point of not knowing how am I anymore. yes I had a yatch and now he has a boat and I don't have even my self. And I let it all happen.. because I couldn't abandon such a broken fragile being It felt inmoral to do so, but he didn't had any problem to boot me when he could stand on his own, when i had nothing left to give cause he'd taken it all. Michele this has already scared me for life, what I don't know it's how well the scar it's going to heal or how long will it take. Hugs thanks for being there from the depths of my heart.

#7 Jun 29 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Done sourcing

We see the emptiness

and we feel compassion. That doesn't make us bad or weak. Thinking we somehow can fix it makes us naive. Just naive. We don't have the power to fix this kind of brokenness. Not our job classification. We are human beings, not God. God doens't want me to suffer, and I always will suffer when in relationship with disordered narcs, period. No contact, no response when they start it, that is my mantra! om om om chant chant chant breathe breathe breathe Oh happy day when I wake up chanting instead of ranting, lol... Love you guys, sick as we are- ds

#8 Jun 28 - 6AM

Sparrow

You are still a warrior in

You are still a warrior in every sense of the word!!!!!!! You are here and you are healing and that take alot of strength, the strength of a warrior. We do this to ourselves, we cant help but look, it's morbid curiousity, as they call it. Just like when there is an accident on the side of the road, traffice slows down, and looks.........they can't help themselves, and neither can we. You look at these things on facebook because you can't help yourself. Get oof of facebook if thats what it takes to avoid these "triggers". Seeing the boat done and his new supply has to be so very painful for you and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Be the warrior that you have always been and "UNFRIEND" the bastard!!! And karma, don't be so sure. The karma train will run his ass over, just wait and see. GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. Just wait and see....... Smiles

#9 Jun 28 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

jagged

FB

I agree that FB only brings grief. I deleted him of my friends back in November, so i wouldn't have to see how he was faking himself to be, he used to write all this quotes like "in order to love you have to risk" or about how hard it was to become an Awake person BS and then there would be all this girls responses and comments like oh how nice, wise and sensitive guy he was...usually he would write this things next day after he dumped me and then he would be back to me after a couple of days, with all his roller coaster mood swings and passive aggressive behavour. I took him back everytime. Repressing my anger turning in to myself. About his friends almost none of his friends accepted my requests or asked me to be friends back in the days. I don't know what that was about probably the BS that he may have told them about me, but I didn't care then, didn't take it personally. He managed to gather 55 of my friends so he could still track me easily. I know he still has access to my Band page cause you can't blok people from seeing a page. So I know he still has a hold on what I do or think or write there. That makes me feel very counscius of what I show. I asked him to not "like" or comment in my page back in April cause it was driving me insane. He hasn't done it since. Most of my life I just had shit from men, first my parents and then a long list. I never gave in to the Victim perception of my self or in to self pity or retaliation but this time I had it, I gave everything, I fighted all my monsters(fears)in order not to project them on him and he just used me to squeeze my attention, support, radiance, love, sex, nurishment etc etc till I was a carcase. I couldn't believe he would be so evil, he used to tell me how evil he was and I would reassure him that that was not the case and when he would feel better would go off and try to replace me. How stupid and blind I have been... thanks Sparrow I know I should delete his BF from my friends but I feel almost paralised and drawned by the projections that N has put on me as the Evil revengeful woman he feared me to be. what can I do with my fire and outrage?? turning it in has only made me depressed. Love & kindness

#10 Jun 28 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

spinning

Dear, sweet jagged,

your posts break my heart. I feel the pain in them and the pain in your heart and soul. Here's the good news, though. Your strong warrior spirit is shining through. Your insight with regard to this very disordered experience is remarkable and it will get you through it! You may feel like you are wallowing in self-pity and depression but I am here to tell you YOU KNOW TOO MUCH and simply by LOOKING AT WHAT HAPPENED and not dodging the TRUTH is Huge! Good for you!!! Here's what I say about dealing with the anger. I know all about it because I still have it from time to time (I'm almost 8 months NC). This will sound simplistic but I took things that he left behind and destroyed them. I burned all photos of him. I scrawled nasty things over notes he wrote. I shouted to the walls at home, cursing and swearing like a sailor. I also wrote, wrote, wrote in my journal. You are an honest writer and a good writer with a talent for describing things...maybe you can write here! Write what a sick MF'er he is. All that phoney "you must risk to love" crap (VOMIT)! Keep focusing on that and GET IT OUT!! My heart breaks for you because I, too, never believed such evil existed. That a person could be so evil. Now, sadly, I know better. It is a lesson I could have lived without but it is a lesson that is making me stronger, bringing me back to my precious, light-filled core, to the spirit he tried to steal and kill but couldn't! Don't let him do that to you! He can't! If he could you wouldn't be here searching for clarity and strength! He will always always be the same. You WILL THRIVE! I promise that! Jagged, I hope this helped some. Another tip I would say is to exercise. I work out daily and in the spring added yoga three times a week in the evenings to help center me and to channel positive energy. I send you a big hug and good vibes for strength and clarity. Peace and love to you and all who stop here from, (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO EVER AGAIN. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION. THE PSYCHO FREAK IS DEAD TO ME. HE NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

spinning

#11 Jun 29 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

jagged

Dear (not spining)

Thanks for your beautiful words about me, the encouragement, the support, the understanding and the suggestions. I take it all in like a precious gift. Your empathy feels so nourishing x I do not feel confident about writing in english ( as I am Spanish) so your appreciation makes me realize that I am in a regressive state,PSTD, it's very much like how I used to feel about myself when I was 5!! That it's the benefit of dealing with somebody so disturbed, that strips one down to a kind of revision of old wounds. And I know that if those old wounds that say "you don't deserve to be loved", "you are not good enough to be seen for who you are", "you will be punish and end up alone if you say what you feel" "you have to take hard shit to be loved" etc if those believes wouldn't have been there deep down the N wouldn't have gone so far in his abuse. But I have been feeling so ashamed and responsible for those wounds (lost in CD) that I failed to acknowledge that his behaviour was shit, shit ,shit. Un-excusable. And that it's what I am doing now with the help of you beautiful ladies. I will carry on Vomiting with no guilt till there is no more to purge... I don't want to bypass any of my pain or anger. For I know now that if I want real healing I have to look after the wound not pretend that it's not there and hope that will heal by it self. Thanks from my heart Peace & love Monte

#12 Jun 28 - 5AM

Lobo555

It's so hard

Believe me, I know. CharlieSheenWinning has a new wife after years of telling me that he didn't want a "relationship" and that "love is a four-letter word." Now they frolic around town all lovey-dovey while I cry. Well, not really. I get out and stay busy and avoid their asses. But still, it' hurts -- and I want karma to kick their asses. But will I call him? Will I rant and rave at him for what a liar, loser, a-hole he is. No way. That's what he *wants* -- he wants women to be upset over him. He wants the attention. He wants me to see her and fly into a rage and throw wine in her face and weep because he never wanted me. Oh hell no, he will not get the satisfaction. Silence and indifference drives these types crazy. So, while I do my silent and indifferent thing to him, I'm doing the healing thing for me. I'm sticking close to here, researching on NPD, and doing things I like to do. Healing is taking forever, but in the long run, I'd rather do that right than to give him any supply -- negative or otherwise. {hugs}

#13 Jun 28 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

jagged

& painful

The sense of invisibility it's what hurts me more. It would be horrible if like you I would have to see them around. Must be so painful for you Lobo. But there is something in me that has always went silence and ostracise myself with all the injustice in me that no longer wants to hold all this in silence. I am not sure that silence does the work in this case, it just feels that it's very convenient for him not to have any reminder of the kind of asshole he is. I want to ruin his little victory like he's ruin my self and my life. Do I have the right o say this? Is it not taking responsibility for my part? I don't care any more I have been trying to be so fair and mature with others and own my shit. I had enough!!! I am not trying to justify breaking NC cause I am not going to do it (I hope) but the fact that he has discarded me so easily feels horrible, horrid, hell!! Sorry for my rant and thanks so so so much for this place and your support. bestest

#14 Jun 28 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

Lobo555

Don't be sorry at all!

This is the right place to rant! "I want to ruin his little victory like he's ruin my self and my life. Do I have the right o say this? Is it not taking responsibility for my part?" You have *every* right to say what you said. Saying it isn't absolving yourself of responsibilty. You were treated like shit and are *pissed*. Hell, we all were treated like shit and are pissed. I totally understand the rage. I had a dream I stabbed CharlieSheenWinning. Right in the heart. Twice. And when I woke up, I felt frightened by my anger, but it also felt good. I'd love to remind him what an arse he is, but he just won't get it no matter what I do or say. They just don't.

#15 Jun 28 - 4AM

Used

monte

hi monte....I dont advise breaking nc,for this reason...it wont change a thing...he wont change nothing can be achieved by this except more heartache for YOU, not him YOU...and it is you that must be looked after now...not him!!!!...and what he percieves you as ...WHO CARES.. its what you think..not him....

#16 Jun 28 - 4AM

jagged

I Want to call him

and tell him he is an asshole an abuser a con man with no integrity and no word, but I know he would just defend himself from my anger and push me in to limbo land again. But I need just a little bit of justice to be made!!

#17 Jun 28 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

Lobo555

The good thing is, these

The good thing is, these things usually take care of themselves. Narcs eventually expose themselves in one way or another. Just like you have learned he's disordered, others will, too. It's no secret that narcs are screwed up. Sure they put up a good front, but they can never keep it up. Cracks develop, and people see them for the selfish s.o.bs they really are. Plus, living in their headspace must really suck. Like Hunter said, it's all darkness. So, between their own errors in keeping up the front/letting the mask slip and their own screwed up natures, I think the narc gets all he deserves and more without anyone having to do a thing. They truly give *themselves* what they deserve! {hugs again}

#18 Jun 28 - 6AM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

Jagged

Im sure you do. I would love to do that as well. What is there to gain? As I suggested maybe go ahead and do it. You will, I guarantee , get Scrambled eggs, They twist and turn and by the time you hang up ,you feel like its your fault. Just remember who they are. They are sick disordered people who live in a world of darkness. Hunter

#19 Jun 28 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

jagged

thanks Hunter

Yes it's very difficult to remember how disordered he is when I feel like I am the one is disordered living a life of pain and darkness. I know scrambled eggs would do even worst that's what he did last time when i called him upon my band loss he said "well if you cared about your band you wouldn't have let me ruin it, would you?" So he twisted around to be my fault. Thanks Monte

#20 Jun 28 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

Used

jagged

please dont call him...it is so pointless...call a friend VENT ALL YOU LIKE...BUT DO NOT CALL HIM.

#21 Jun 28 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

jagged

Thanks I won't

call him but I feel that I cannot find peace without letting him know what he's done, I want to expose him in front of the whole world!!! thanks used Monte x

#22 Jun 28 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Done sourcing

The World doesn't give a crap

and some day neither will you. The world doesn't know what a shit he is, and doesn't care. He is a puke-narc, no integrity, lies, cheats, steals, uses, abuses, twists, and fill in the blanks. His is an empty life, lifeless and lonely, no matter what it appears. They are bored and crave attention, what better way to treat an addiction for attention than providing none. That is not only the healthy choice, but the most hurtful to a narc. So it fits spiritual law, best for you, best for the cosmos, and gives the narc the best opportunity to make a different decision, whether they do or don't is not of our concern, as we are done providing supply. The sooner we go nc and no response when they initiate contact the sooner we will get to the other side, but it doesn't feel like it when we are still in the tunnel of pain. Write, rant, read, post, scream, and do something nice for yourself everyday. I'm sitting right now in a starbucks wahtching all the folks having their lives, and treating myself to a venti iced coffee, life is good right now. I decided to come here and read and write with the narc survivors community. I am having fun. Be good and grow... Done Sourcing (Yep, I am)

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