So So So Irritated

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#1 Oct 13 - 12PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

So So So Irritated

I wish I could convey more thoroughly through my words how absolutely disgusted and fed up and angry and irritable I am with my life right now. I'm irritated with nearly everything up to and including my own children. I'm pissed at anything and everything that requires some sort of effort from me and I'm just getting thru the day in a bristly, don't-talk-to-me state of mind.

I get pissed at EVERYTHING that exN#1 schemes up and it's a substantial amount of scheming he's up to. He told the kids the other night that they should be embarassed of me. OF ME! Me who has started her life over at ground zero after the sinking of the stbxN-titanic...Me who has put together a new "home" with hand-me-downs and cast offs from others...Me who has sacrificed half of her youngest child's life to get hers back...Me who pays 90% of OUR GODDAMN CHILDREN'S EXPENSES because he is too f-ing lazy and busy taking care of OW and her demon spawn...Me who has to watch his fat ass at every single event of our children's as he makes a total spectacle of himself. He even held my kneepads hostage last night thinking it would keep me from going to my volleyball game. I'm so incredibly embarassed I was EVER EVER EVER his wife. BUT HOW MUCH MORE FREAKING ABUSE CAN HE POSSIBLY DISH OUT??????

I told the kids that I'm pissed at their dad this week, this week only and to totally ignore my rants/raves cause I'm entitled after the last year of TOTAL HORSE SHIT I've put up with from him. I'm sure I'm damaging them beyond repair.

I want to pull my skin off, step out of it and walk away from this shitting mess!!!!! I've begged God to set an end date to the pain and hijinks of this asshat and yet onward and upward he goes.

I need a kickboxing class so I can beat the tar out of something.

Oct 13 - 2PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi GG

Rant away here because, as you know, better out than in and it's part of the process. There is no trying to be logical where the P/Ns are concerned. Don't worry, your kids will know in the long term who has been there for them and who they will ultimately be embarrassed by. They always know who they can turn to when in "real" need. You have done marvellous things in the past year so you should be proud of yourself and warning the kids is a fantastic way of showing that you love them but you still have your own emotions and feelings. Wish I had thought of that when I was going through all the stuff. Good job girl. Huge hug. Dee x
Oct 13 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Thanks Dee

I'm working so hard in therapy to always be mindful of the kids despite what I'm going through. I appreciate your kudos as sometimes I feel like an awful mom for putting them through this hell.
Oct 13 - 1PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I just got agreement from

I just got agreement from exwn to modify visitation. I will always get my child straight from school, and so will the N. Hooray. No more having to go to her house to get kid and het hoovered over by the trash cans (she does this!!),no more her picking my kid up at my house, hooray! Point is Georgia Girl, this separation is a process, and good things are coming for you as the separation continues. Don't forget what you have accomplished so far. You have done alot. Are doing alot. And will continue on. Anger, hatred, irritation, despair, frusfuckingtration, it is all very normal. All signs you are healing. He is a boil on your ass, no more than that. The cone of silence and indifference must drop down and envelope you in protective safety whenever he is lurking. Energy sucking scum is what they are. And learning to protect our energy from the viperous empty ones is challenging. Know that healing is happening right now in your life. Venting here is so awesome, you can tell the truth, let it all out, and we understand and know your pain. I don't want to preach but not responding is the quickest way to freedom. He will tire of f'ing with you when you don't show him any reactive emotion. Don't give him any supply or satisfaction. Let him know nothing of what you are thinking. It is your turn to wear a mask, the mask of indifference. Someday soon the mask will have fallen off and you will realize he is powerless to rain (or reign over) your parade. Your free new life is unfolding right in front of you, breathe deep and know we won't bullshit you here. He will be deleted!!!!
Oct 13 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Good for you, DS!

I laughed out loud at your "hoovering by the trash cans" comment as it reminds me of stbxN sooo much...I'm thrilled to hear about your modification! I really appreciate your male perspective and I see a lot of sense in "He will tire of f'ing with you when you don't show him any reactive emotion". You are right on target there but he has been at it for over 18 months solid. In that time I've fought through postpartum depression, learned what a narc/psychopath is all about, left stbxN, lived in a shelter, rented my own place, gone to weekly therapy, grieved the loss of my dream and started to rebuild my life. ExN#1 hasn't missed a beat and just keeps filing lawsuits, abusing me & my kiddos, lying his ass off and making life a living hell. He shows no real sign of going away. I think at this point my biggest challenge will be not to speak of him at all in front of my older children (15,12,10) as I think they tell him 99% of what I say.
Oct 13 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Keep Getting It Out, GG!

You're entitled! Let the steam roll. We are here for you! It will pass and you will THRIVE! I cannot wait for that moment when you OWN IT! Your list of all you have done since the sorry loser D & D'd you is AWESOME! OWN IT! As Hunter says, F**k HIM! Hugs and good vibes from, (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO SPIN FOR A DISORDERED FREAK, FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANY ONE!

spinning

Oct 13 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Spinning

How do I "own it" as you say? I feel stuck despite working so hard on me...I'm right on the edge of something big but no clue how to get there. This level of anger is new though so I may be on to something there. Thanks for your support...I always enjoy your replies!
Oct 13 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Oh, boy.. Let asshaft take

Oh, boy.. Let asshaft take those lovely children for the weekend and you my friend take a credit card and go the the Spa.. Fuck it!! You deserve it! Hunter
Oct 13 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

LOL Hunter!

I sincerely wish I could afford to go to the spa...a massage would be amazing right now.