So Ashamed I feel suicidal :'( Please Help

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#1 Jan 25 - 1PM
Inthedark
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So Ashamed I feel suicidal :'( Please Help

What I have gone through with my ex narc has led me down a path of unstable mental health. I have been diagnosed with ptsd.
A continuation of him coming in and out of my life for 2 years to many times to count. Leaving on a whim, out of the blue only to return a month or so later. Confused is an understatement. Every time he came back he insisted he had made a mistake and really did love me, and missed me.
The first time he left was because I fell pregnant (planned), but he changed his mind and decided he wasnt ready for a child. He told me I had to terminate but I couldnt because I didnt feel It was my right to play god since this baby was planned and I wanted it too. He bullied me after leaving telling me if I terminated he would come back. Unfortunately I miscarried a couple of weeks later. I called him up to tell him I needed to see him as I was devastated. He reluctantly agreed. I went around to his place and broke my heart, he picked up my shoes and threw them out of the front door and said get out, I cant cope with your emotion, and proceeded to shove me out of the door and slam it behind me. A month later he came back.
This happened again 12 mths later.Again I fell pregnant(with coil fitted).It was during a time I had accepted the crumbs of a casual relationship with him as he "didnt know what he wanted". This time he told me he didnt want to know at all. He said that if I terminate that if I told him when it was he would call me when I came out of the clinic to see how I was.unfortunately I miscarried again.
When I sit here and see this wrote in black and white, it horrifies me how someone can be so heartless. His excuse for treating me this way during the pregnancies was because "he was scared". I am only now feeling the pain of this abuse, I have denied it for so long and never even grieved the loss of my babies. Tonight the floodgates have opened and Im afraid it wont stop. I just want this pain to stop it is consuming me.

Jan 26 - 12PM
Newlife2013
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It's going to be ok

Jan 26 - 8AM
sarahbear999
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Sweet, precious girl....

Jan 26 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
Inthedark
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Thank you

Jan 26 - 3AM
Inthedark
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Thank you to all of you for

Jan 25 - 10PM
Garden
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Our job is to grieve. That's

Jan 25 - 8PM
IncognitoBurrito
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This

Jan 25 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Sickofhim
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IB

Jan 25 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
IncognitoBurrito
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I forgot to add

Jan 25 - 3PM
Pumpkin
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Please

Pumpkin

Jan 25 - 2PM
Ottersley
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Hey there, I'm not sure what

Jan 25 - 2PM
thenewjane
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Just remember this, In the dark