So Ashamed I feel suicidal :'( Please Help
So Ashamed I feel suicidal :'( Please Help
What I have gone through with my ex narc has led me down a path of unstable mental health. I have been diagnosed with ptsd.
A continuation of him coming in and out of my life for 2 years to many times to count. Leaving on a whim, out of the blue only to return a month or so later. Confused is an understatement. Every time he came back he insisted he had made a mistake and really did love me, and missed me.
The first time he left was because I fell pregnant (planned), but he changed his mind and decided he wasnt ready for a child. He told me I had to terminate but I couldnt because I didnt feel It was my right to play god since this baby was planned and I wanted it too. He bullied me after leaving telling me if I terminated he would come back. Unfortunately I miscarried a couple of weeks later. I called him up to tell him I needed to see him as I was devastated. He reluctantly agreed. I went around to his place and broke my heart, he picked up my shoes and threw them out of the front door and said get out, I cant cope with your emotion, and proceeded to shove me out of the door and slam it behind me. A month later he came back.
This happened again 12 mths later.Again I fell pregnant(with coil fitted).It was during a time I had accepted the crumbs of a casual relationship with him as he "didnt know what he wanted". This time he told me he didnt want to know at all. He said that if I terminate that if I told him when it was he would call me when I came out of the clinic to see how I was.unfortunately I miscarried again.
When I sit here and see this wrote in black and white, it horrifies me how someone can be so heartless. His excuse for treating me this way during the pregnancies was because "he was scared". I am only now feeling the pain of this abuse, I have denied it for so long and never even grieved the loss of my babies. Tonight the floodgates have opened and Im afraid it wont stop. I just want this pain to stop it is consuming me.
It's going to be ok
Sweet, precious girl....
Thank you
Thank you to all of you for
Our job is to grieve. That's
This
IB
I forgot to add
Please
Pumpkin
Hey there, I'm not sure what
Just remember this, In the dark